Overwhelmed by soon-to-be SIL with suspected BPD

[agatha139]

Hi everyone - first time posting here. My fiancé didn't share with me that his sister likely has BPD (not formally diagnosed, but identified by a family therapist) until a few weeks ago (over 5 months into our engagement). From my research in the past few weeks, I think it's likely that she does.

On the one hand, I'm relieved to finally understand some of her behavior towards her brother and towards me, and I'm hopeful that I can learn how to relate to her better. However, understanding more about my future SIL and the dynamic she and my fiancé had growing up has also drawn attention to issues I see in our relationship (the way we handle conflict together, small issues suddenly becoming huge ones). I have tried to mention these in a gentle way to my fiancé, asking if growing up in an emotionally unstable environment with his sister maybe had an impact on him, and he immediately got defensive, saying that he didn't want to define his sister in those terms and asking me sarcastically if I wanted to  explore wounds from his childhood.

I'm obviously not experienced with any of this, but his reaction concerned me. It feels like there is a lot that is still unresolved and that he may be in denial over his sister's current needs (he just keeps saying she's better now) and the hurt of growing up in that environment (I found out today that he had to moderate arguments between his parents and sister when he was just a child!). There is so much that seems to relate to conflict and intimacy issues that we have, but I feel so lost about how to approach this in a way that is constructive and won't make him feel like I'm attacking him or his sister.

Anyone have any suggestions or insight? Thanks (in advance) 

[Turkish]

Hello  agatha139,

Is interesting that your fiance shared this.  It's more typical in families with a pwBPD  (person with BPD) to hide or deny.  When you opened up communication,  however,  it sounds like it went into denial.  I only grew up with a BPD mother,  and had no siblings,  but I can imagine how defensive I would feel of I were to start being questioned about my dysfunctional childhood if I were not ready.  Was she the scapegoat,  or the Golden Child, or was it the reverse?  She was likely one or the other,  and though it's possible that he was neither,  he had to grow up in a home with the dysfunction of witnessing this,  resulting in his own pain which he hasn't fully dealt with.  We see this on the Parenting Board: multiple siblings ok,  but one who is BPD. Parents not abusive or neglectful.  What's your view of their family dynamic? 

You can't make him deal with that,  but you can certainly support him in other ways.  

This is the board to talk about your new family,  and how to cope,  but I'd invite you to explore the lessons on the Improving Board. You can learn about BPD, and Lesson 3 has very useful communication tools which can help reduce conflict.  While they were developed by leading experts in the disorder,  they work to help improve relationships with anybody.  I've come to use them with others as well.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0



Turkish

[agatha139]

Thanks for your feedback and insight.

My fiancé only mentioned the information at the end of a days-long argument we had about some unreasonable demands I felt his sister was making on him (combined with the fact that she has ignored me since we got engaged) and my confusion over the extreme guilt he seemed to be feeling. I think you're right that he went back into denial after mentioning it. Maybe I wanted to engage with the subject too quickly? It was like a lightbulb turning on for me when it came to some of our relationship issues, but perhaps I pushed too much in wanting to talk more about it before he was ready.

Growing up, I gather that his sister was the scapegoat and my fiancé was the golden child (which may be why he struggled for years with addiction but he has told me that his parents denied it for a long time... .the addiction is another situation that has affected his family dynamic). From what I hear of the interactions with his immediate family, there may also be enmeshment/codependency issues that aren't resolved.

I'll check out those resources. I'm struggling right now to know how to support his healing process and develop positive relationships with his family, especially his sister - although recognizing that she has BPD allows me not to take her actions toward me personally. It's hard for me not to want to bring up the subject with my fiancé, but I want to be sensitive to what he's dealing with. Any suggestions on broaching the subject with him? And for reaching out to his sister? I don't even know if I should reach out to her or if it would be better for her if I respected her distance. I feel out of my depth because I've never encountered this before - and  I don't want to seem like I'm criticizing him or his sister (which I think is how he felt the last time we talked about it).

[Turkish]

I'd learn and practice the communication tools,  on your fiancé first.  They can help you in your primary relationship. I sense that you may want to fix things quickly, or at least set that path, and this is understandable given an impending marriage. These are decades long patterns of behavior and ways of thought, however, and this takes time.  His revelation of his sister's BPD is a good opening,  and it needs to be built upon slowly.  Scan the resources (I know it's a lot of material).

What has he been doing regarding a healing process, any therapy? 

[agatha139]

These tools are so helpful. They've brought up a question in my mind, though - is there a way of repairing the damage from the previous discussions about my fi's sister? In our last discussion, after it emerged that she is likely a pwBPD, he said something about how I've always had a problem with his sister and never tried to understand her. I can only think I've communicated badly, because I don't dislike his sister at all, I just couldn't understand why this sweet, loving person that I met when we were dating would rage at him over the phone and produce such anger and guilt in him.

You're right that I'm concerned about the timing given our upcoming wedding - I'm grateful for the reminder of how long this healing process can be. My fiancé saw a counselor for awhile in his recovery process, and we saw our pastor briefly for premarital counseling, but I don't think he has really pursued any healing from his experiences growing up. I don't know if that is something he wants to do, or will want to do in the future. I know that I can't push him to process all this, but I don't know what to do if he continues to deny it.

[Fie]

Hello Agatha  

Congrats on the upcoming wedding !
Kuddos to you for being so sweet and understanding with both your financé and your SIL. The world needs more people like that ! Be careful not to loose yourself in the process though.

I was raised by a borderline mum, and I have a borderline grandma. I suffered a lot from my upbringing and the whole dysfunctional mess has always been and is still denied by everyone (except me). Being a child of BPD does have big consequences, and unfortunately, as long as the whole dynamics are not fully understood and worked through, those consequences also work through in our most intimate relationships. The people we are closest with are often our best mirror, and old family dynamics are often repeated in the new family. Unfortunately, I speak out of experience here.

I can see you are being very supportive, and that's wonderful. We are often not aware of everything we have in our emotional backpack, especially when our childhood has been traumatic in some sense. Don't forget however to take care of yourself. You might also ask yourself the question if for you personally it could be a good idea to postpone the actual wedding until calmer waters have been reached / until you have a better perspective if you can deal with all of this - especially since you cannot force your fiancé to deal with everything and certainly not all at once. There is nothing wrong with a little self care here.

Take care !

[agatha139]

Fie - your kind advice was exactly what I needed to hear. I have felt very anxious the last couple of weeks because I don't know how to be a healthy emotional support without feeling overwhelmed by my own emotions. I am seriously considering postponing the wedding until things are calmer and I know if this is  something that I can handle. I'm very grateful for your willingness to share your own experiences/journey - it reassures me that stopping to question my own emotional strength is valid and important.

Can I ask - what do you do about other family members who deny those dysfunctional experiences? Do you try to discuss it, or is it better not to? That must have been very hard for you to work through all of that on your own.

[Naughty Nibbler]

HI agatha139:  

Fie brings up some good points. We can't change someone, only the way we interact and react.  

Although counseling with a pastor is good, a pastor isn't equipped to deal with personality disorders.  You might consider a few counseling sessions with a psychologist for yourself, to help you work through any doubts.  It would be great, if your fiance would join you for a couple of sessions.  

You have to go into a marriage expecting that what you see now is what you will see later.  Even if people have successful therapy, there can be points where a "tune-up" is helpful.  I'm think a pending marriage is a time when even mentally healthy individuals seek some counseling. It helps to have a neutral party point out some issues that you aren't acknowledging.

If you can't discuss your fiance's sister without him getting defensive, you might always be walking on eggshells. Might he get angry with you in the future and always take his sister's side in matters?  If you and your fiance could talk frankly and bond together with boundaries and communication techniques to use with his sister, then you might have a more successful relationship.  

Discussing BPD with his sister is something that is generally ill advised.

[agatha139]

Thanks for being so welcoming and supportive. I actually talked to a T today, giving her a few more details, and she reassured me that I was not overreacting and advised me to remain loving and supportive, but also to remember to protect my emotions. And she suggested I read Walking on Eggshells and I Hate You, But Don't Leave Me. Any other suggestions of things I could read to better understand my fi and his sister?

Right now, we seem to be in a cycle where he says he's open to talk about anything... .but then we start talking and he keeps saying that I've always had a problem with his sister and that I'm always trying to protect myself from her... .which I think may be me overreacting because I don't sense him trying to protect our relationship from her negative emotions.

Argh. I feel so out of my depth.

Oh... .anyone know anything about cognitive dissonance? I read on another board something that sounded like it could be what he is experiencing. This woman was describing how her son cut himself off after marrying a woman wBPD who had volatile interactions with his family. Anyway, a commenter suggested that maybe her son was dealing with cognitive dissonance - that he loved his wife and didn't want to see her as someone with an illness, but that being around his family consistently reminded him of the reality... .and the discomfort of handling both became too much to deal with. I don't know if that's what's happening here, but it sounds very much like my fi who said yesterday that he doesn't want to see his sister that way or think about that possibly having a traumatic impact on his childhood.

[Naughty Nibbler]

agatha139:
It's good to hear that you had a therapy session. 

Right now, we seem to be in a cycle where he says he's open to talk about anything... .but then we start talking and he keeps saying that I've always had a problem with his sister and that I'm always trying to protect myself from her... .which I think may be me overreacting because I don't sense him trying to protect our relationship from her negative emotions.

Is it possible that your fiance is being defensive in regard to his sister, or in a bit of denial?  Probably best to stick with current situations/behaviors and not try to go back to what happened in the past (childhood)

If he stays defensive of his sister, your reality may continue to be unacknowledged by him. 

The "Stop Walking on Eggshells" has a workbook that you can buy as well.  Another possible book is:
"The Essential Family Guide to Borderline Personality Disorder"
New Tools and Techniques to Stop Walking on Eggshells
By Randi Kreger

LINK TO BOOK REVIEW SECTION ON THIS WEBSITE
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=33.0

The article at the link below might answer your question about cognitive dissonance:
https://www.verywell.com/what-is-cognitive-dissonance-2795012

[Turkish]

If you're going to spend money,  the Essential Family Guide is a better,  updated version of SWOE.

As in all situations like this where we call you a "secondary non" it's a fine line to walk between supporting and enabling.  Harder still if you may be the target of the pwBPD. My thoughts are that while you can use the tools to improve the relationship with her,  his relationship with her is his to solve,  being his journey.  Take a look here and dig into the link at the end about triangulation. Tell us what you think.  

Good Triangulation vs Bad Triangulation

T

[Notwendy]

However, understanding more about my future SIL and the dynamic she and my fiancé had growing up has also drawn attention to issues I see in our relationship (the way we handle conflict together, small issues suddenly becoming huge ones).

This is an astute observation.

I think you are aware that dysfunctional family dynamics can affect all members of a family- some more than others.

Families also cope with this in different ways.

My mother is severe on the BPD spectrum. I have been open about it, but speaking about her in my own FOO is a family taboo.

My H's family appeared "normal" to me in comparison. There was one sibling with issues but that was explained as depression over a spouse's illness. Seemed understandable at the time, but over the years, I have observed dysfunction in this sibling and some other family members as well.

Conflict resolution has been an ongoing issue along with both of us bringing dysfunctional traits and relationship skills to the marriage. I was eager to work on my FOO issues. I also was eager for him to work on his FOO issues, but he remains reluctant to do so.

One pattern I have noticed is that my H can choose to say something negative about his family, but if I do, he gets upset. He has a strong sense of family loyalty and sees this as being disloyal to them. He has been motivated to work on what he sees as "our issues"- and is dedicated to me and the kids, but personal counseling, dealing with his family and his own issues isn't his interest.

We have been married for many years and have older ( teen ) kids. I think that many aspects of our marriage are good, and we have also had our interpersonal difficulties. Working on my own co-dependency has resulted in improvements in the marriage. For one- I leave his family issues to him to deal with as he chooses- and there have been some revelations on his part that all isn't perfect- but he does remain reluctant.

I will share some personal feelings from growing up with BPD mom and in relationships.

I feared I was defective and that nobody would love me if they knew about her. I felt that if I talked about her, I was both being disloyal and feared I would be rejected if people knew about her. Your H may fear rejection if you knew about his sister.

Having a relative with BPD does not mean the family members have it as well. I am not my mother, and your H isn't his sister. Yet growing up in such a family, we can learn coping mechanisms that worked in that family but can cause issues in later relationships, and we also have the capacity to unlearn them- and learn better ones.

We are attracted to- and attract - people that match us in some way emotionally. Your fiance may have brought some dysfunctional relationship skills to the relationship- but also you likely did too. Any issues between you are a combination of this. Other family members may have serious dysfunction- which can be a clue to the issues- but the problem at hand is not them, but the two of you.

The partner with the insight and willingness to change may appear to be doing the relationship work- but the relationship can improve non the less.

I don't think there are any people who don't have a dysfunctional family member somewhere, and that every couple will likely have some issues to deal with in some way, some may be more challenging than others. Yet, I would encourage you to take the focus off the sister for the moment and on to the two of you- and also on to you. The patterns of communication and conflict resolution have a greater impact on your marriage than the sister does.

As for you- one thing you mentioned is that you are considering postponing the wedding. This is a significant statement because, to me, it indicates some uncertainty on your part. In all of this, the most important relationship is with yourself- and I would encourage you to soul search this uncertainty. Sure, marriage is a big step- and it is understandable that some people could feel jitters at times. There are no perfect people- all will marry with some quirks and issues to some extent. Yet, if you truly are hesitant, in your heart, then be true to yourself.