Gathering the Facts / Grounding Tools

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Since it can be so hard to figure out what is going on in the usually chaotic relationships we find or found ourselves in - I am thinking about methods that we can use to help us in getting the facts straight for ourselves.

The idea is to see what methods people have found useful in helping them to see the facts a little more clearly and how doing that has helped in either managing the relationship or detaching from it.  

It's about how we can come closer to understanding what the objective truth of the situation is and what our own emotional truth might be. Facing the facts is a process.  Weaving the newly noticed ones into our interpretations of what's happening in the relationship and for us personally is, I would say, the goal of understanding the relationship dynamic and of our own detaching, healing, and self-analysis.

Putting the facts somewhere where they can be assessed more impartially - just in black and white - is helpful because our memories are selective and not always reliable.    

[VitaminC]

Since it can be so hard to figure out what is going on in the usually chaotic relationships we find or found ourselves in - I am thinking about methods that we can use to help us in getting the facts straight for ourselves.

The idea is to see what methods people have found useful in helping them to see the facts a little more clearly and how doing that has helped in either managing the relationship or detaching from it.  

It's about how we can come closer to understanding what the objective truth of the situation is and what our own emotional truth might be. Facing the facts is a process.  Weaving the newly noticed ones into our interpretations of what's happening in the relationship and for us personally is, I would say, the goal of understanding the relationship dynamic and of our own detaching, healing, and self-analysis.

Putting the facts somewhere where they can be assessed more impartially - just in black and white - is helpful because our memories are selective and not always reliable.    

[heartandwhole]

Hi Vitamin C 

I think for me the process of facing the facts started in my written communication (email) with pwBPD. There it was, in black and white, what he said, what I said, what happened next. Later, when I felt detached, I was able to look back and see even more clearly not only what HE had been doing, but what I did and how I reacted to his increasingly unbalanced behavior.

When I fell into a pretty deep hole after the breakup, I started seeing a therapist, who walked with me through the doubts, confusion, pain, and helped me let go of the fantasy of a workable relationship with pwBPD.

In addition, participating on this site has taught me so much, and given me the opportunity to recover and share and contribute within a safe and inspiring community. The diversity of members' experiences and wisdom is simply invaluable, in my opinion. I think it's so important to have an outside perspective, because it allows me a new way of thinking about what I'm doing or experiencing.

I'd say that all those things helped me face the facts and get through to the other side of the most heart-wrenching romantic relationship and difficult breakup I had ever experienced.

Not sure if this is what you were looking for in this discussion? If not, let me know and I'll take another shot. 

heartandwhole

[pjstock42]

Outside of this board, I've really been going through this whole process on my own.

I'm an introverted person so I only have a few close friends, I talked to them (on the phone) when things had just happened and they were supportive but it didn't go much farther past that. I met my BPD ex 2 days after moving to this new city and isolated my free time to spending it with her so never gave myself the chance to make friends in this area unfortunately.

I did do some writing (pen and paper) at the advice of some on this board and that helped during some difficult times. Even though I have had to face most of this on my own and have had long stretches of solitude and isolation, this board has made me feel like I'm not alone so I'm incredibly grateful for it. The advice and personal accounts of users here helped me to not fight back when I was painted to black via email and also helped me to institute full NC almost immediately + keep it up for over 2 months.

[VitaminC]

Your contributions are always valuable and what anyone would be looking for, heartandwhole. Thank you.

I've just updated the poll to add the tracking of emails / sms messages, as that's a good way to begin to look for "evidence".

I'm interested in just simply how we can help ourselves to calm down and see what's really going on. And how that can also help us in the healing process afterwards - when we are doubting, confused, suffused with wonderful memories that create longing, or terrible ones that create anger or regrets/guilt.  

The reason for all this, in my view, is that we don't see the evidence clearly.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines evidence : “The available body of facts or information indicating whether a belief or proposition is true or valid:”  

One common view is that we 1) perceive the facts and then 2) come to a conclusion = know a thing.  Most philosophers and scientists will say that is not how it works at all. They say, that we always believe something first and then seek out the evidence to support that belief. So we could actually believe just about anything; it's all interpretation, at the end of the day.  

This poll about the methods we have or can use is a way to figure out if the common view does not actually help us more than we think. If we see 20 incidents that, objectively speaking, show that we were being disregarded when we needed to be heard, for example, then maybe we put the thing together in a different way.

I'm expressing myself badly. Hopefully someone less verbose will come in and rescue me from all my word noodling.

I found that it was hard for me personally to get at the "facts", because I always looked for the grain of truth in my BPD's response. So I needed a lot of facts, a mountain of it, before I could see that, although I played a big part, sometimes things were just damn wrong and unfair and my feelings of being disregarded were justified.

Thank you,  pjstock, for your response too!

[VitaminC]

I want to add that this is NOT about blaming anyone - not the BPD and not ourselves.

It's completely about separating what is happening from how it makes us feel. Because only when we have a little more clarity there, can we begin to make decisions and work towards whatever understanding we need - of the pwBPD, the relationship, ourselves.

And we end with ourselves - which is also where it begins

[C.Stein]

I did a lot of writing, but the one thing that keeps it all separated for me is being honest with myself and avoiding the mental traps ... .and there are many.  This helps keep me tethered to reality, even though at times that tether is stretched to the breaking point.

[gotbushels]

Hi VitaminC 

I found these useful: therapist, interacting on forum, and writing in private journals. After receiving mainly vacant conversations and blank stares from friends, there's something curative from hearing someone else who's been through the same abuse say things like "think carefully before you get married". It feels more like they're in the pits with you instead of being in the spectator chair.

I think for most people, if you tell them you've been physically intimidated by a partner will think "Hum. How do I respond to that."