Numb

[Larmoyant]

It was a long, drawn out breakup. I ended it 8 months back, but he wouldn’t let up and I kept responding. Not in the way he wanted because I needed something to change or else I had to get away. The relationship has all but destroyed me.

His contact slowly dwindled. In our last text conversation he said goodbye and told me he had moved on. Said he was sorry, more than I’ll ever know. I asked him what he was sorry for, but he never replied.

That was four weeks ago. I sensed something was different, although I half expected something more, but it seems he means it this time. He’s moved on.

Yet, another month of my life has gone by and I’m still broken, still scared to pick up the first piece and start living again. I want to start living again. My problem now is that I don’t know what I feel. I’ve gone sort of numb and can’t access my feelings. I feel as if I want to sob, but it won’t come out.

Is this normal? Am I normal? Am I going to be broken forever?

[fromheeltoheal]

Is this normal? Am I normal? Am I going to be broken forever?

It is normal, you're normal, and you won't be broken forever, in fact we're never broken, we just run disempowering patterns now and then.

I can relate to numb L.  I was at a place where I was no longer living in the past and hadn't really designed a future yet, and was stuck in the present in a limbo, having not re-inhabited my body yet.  One way out is to create a compelling vision for your future, one that is so bright it pulls you towards it, and then take one step in that direction.  And then another.  And you'll be going on faith at first, but after a while you'll notice progress, which builds momentum, and you will wake up into yourself again.  Once I did that, the simple things like taking my dogs to the park or going grocery shopping all became brighter and something I valued a great deal; we value things more when we lose them and then get them back.

So what does your bright future look like L?

[patientandclear]

I can relate to the numb. If you can find it in yourself to embrace the current feelings as the state of mind that makes sense for the time being, but also, remain open to it changing, the numb will eventually resolve. I say this having played that out several times over the past 5 years of BPD drama. I've had several stretches of 8-15 month NC and toward the end each time I was no longer numb (I think I know exactly what you mean by that, BTW).

Unfortunately each time my BPD person showed up with some compelling story about why I should re-engage with him, which stripped away the numb and required that I slog my way back through it each time. That's a different issue. But if I'd just kept going, I think the numbness would long since have faded.

 

[eprogeny]

Yes, it's normal. Every single one of us, here, can attest to how normal it is.

Yes, you are normal. Don't doubt that for a moment.  Any normal person - anyone who did not enter adulthood with a fractured sense of self, would feel exactly as you do after this experience.  I know I certainly have felt exactly as you do right now.  You are not alone.

No, you will not be broken forever.  You won't even be broken for as long as you think you will be.  If you are able to spend the time here, or on other sites, talking to a therapist, talking with friends... .and looking for that thing that will give you the relief you need, you will find it. 

And when you do, you will begin to see that the only thing you lost - the only thing that was broken - was something that needed to heal.  And, like a bone that re-broken in order to set properly, that part of you that hurts so much right now will end up making you stronger.

He’s moved on.

Maybe. Maybe not.  But you will, and that is what matters.

Yet, another month of my life has gone by and I’m still broken, still scared to pick up the first piece and start living again. I want to start living again. My problem now is that I don’t know what I feel. I’ve gone sort of numb and can’t access my feelings. I feel as if I want to sob, but it won’t come out.

I can 100% relate to this. There is a sort of incredulity that sets on you when it first really becomes clear that this time really is or might be the last time.  And it's scary, and painful, to experience it. 

I'm so very sorry you are hurting.  I really am.  It's so hard to see others in pain, but I know for me that it has helped to spend the time reading the stories of others - to offer encouragement, and to share my own pain.  Something about it has helped me, and I hope will help you.

You say you ended it 8 months ago but that you kept responding to his overtures.  I am glad you were able to see you needed out of it - and that you took steps to get away from it.  Thinking back to 8 months ago - what made you decide to keep responding to him?  What kind of change were you hoping he would make?

[uniquename]

Numb is normal. One thing that has helped me is listening to music that expresses my feelings. It helps me to cry. It's often hard though to get there.

[Larmoyant]

I can relate to numb L.  I was at a place where I was no longer living in the past and hadn't really designed a future yet, and was stuck in the present in a limbo, having not re-inhabited my body yet

.

Yes, this is what it feels like. During the break-up I used the analogy that I’m sitting on a fence too scared to jump over (to get away). Now I feel as if I have jumped over, but now too terrified to move another step. The world feels unsafe to me. I’ve internalised all those negative things he said, compounded by me joining in because I’m so upset that I let the relationship ruin all those wonderful opportunities I had. I feel like a failure and so disappointed in myself. Let so many people down.

FHTH, is this the disempowering pattern I’m running? I want to change it, but I don’t know how. I’m frightened.

So what does your bright future look like L?

.

I tried answering your question. I’d like to be researching and writing. I’d like to have a goal, a purpose, a job. Some friends. A dog to love. Yoga. Dressing up and going out sometimes. Dancing. Reading and enjoying a book again. All day if I want. Having people over for Sunday lunch. In the garden. Have my boys be proud of me. No yearning (this is dissipating). No pain. To believe I’m worthwhile again.

PC, yes, maybe it makes sense that I feel this way right now. Maybe it’s a transition stage after all the heightened emotions? I’ve taken note of your words because as silly as this sounds I don’t think he’s necessarily gone. Maybe I’m wrong, and maybe I'm just conditioned to think this given the history, but at least I’m not waiting for his calls like I used to. I leave my mobile behind when I go walking now and also have let it run out of credit. I would never have let that happen last month just in case he rang. I think this is progress.

Incidently, it’s interesting and a little baffling that he decided to tell me that he’s moving on months after I ended it? He obviously didn’t believe me. I haven't even seen him in 6 months.  

PC, are you still in contact with your ex?

eprogeny, I just feel quietly broken, sluggish and ruined, but I want to help myself. I’ll keep looking for the thing that will relieve me. It has to be somewhere right?

. I can 100% relate to this. There is a sort of incredulity that sets on you when it first really becomes clear that this time really is or might be the last time.  And it's scary, and painful, to experience it.

.

This describes what I’m feeling very well.  It makes me curious to know whether he’s feeling it too.

Thinking back to 8 months ago - what made you decide to keep responding to him?  What kind of change were you hoping he would make?

.

Trauma bonds I think. I kept hanging onto hope. Also, I’d already lost so much (job, career) because of the relationship that I was scared to lose any more. Then my mum became ill. Really, I kept hoping that he’d stop for a moment, listen to what I was trying to say. Meet me half-way at least so we could make changes to make it work. Instead, he threatened to start dating others, subsequently did, but refused to be straight about it. I agreed to talk with him several times, but he kept sabotaging it then accused me of doing the same. Only it wasn’t me. It all became clearer as I learned more about BPD. Intellectually I get it, but it still confuses me emotionally. I really loved him, but he was destroying me. It’s all so sad and such a waste.

Uniquename, this would definitely work I’m sure, but I’m scared to listen to music (what’s with being so scared all the time!). He used to send me songs all the time, sad, break-up songs and I couldn’t bear to listen to them right now. It’s as if he knew the relationship was doomed from the start.

[Leonis]

I've definitely felt numb after finally coming to terms with the relationship ending.

It's a step towards recovery. Just let your ex go, or you'll end up in an even more complicated situation.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes, this is what it feels like. During the break-up I used the analogy that I’m sitting on a fence too scared to jump over (to get away). Now I feel as if I have jumped over, but now too terrified to move another step. The world feels unsafe to me. I’ve internalised all those negative things he said, compounded by me joining in because I’m so upset that I let the relationship ruin all those wonderful opportunities I had. I feel like a failure and so disappointed in myself. Let so many people down.

FHTH, is this the disempowering pattern I’m running? I want to change it, but I don’t know how. I’m frightened.

Yes, that is the disempowering pattern.  He said negative things to you for his own reasons, and really you internalized them by choice, it may not have felt like it at the time, but you could have said "excuse me, that's not true, and please do not ever talk to me like that again" but you didn't, and neither did I in my relationship, because we're susceptible to crap when we're under stress, and being in a relationship with a borderline is certainly going to expose us to crap.  So it's part of taking your power back to question what he told you, focus on what's real and what you know is true about yourself, and condition that by looking for new references to support it, time and time again.

So what does your bright future look like L?

.
I tried answering your question. I’d like to be researching and writing. I’d like to have a goal, a purpose, a job. Some friends. A dog to love. Yoga. Dressing up and going out sometimes. Dancing. Reading and enjoying a book again. All day if I want. Having people over for Sunday lunch. In the garden. Have my boys be proud of me. No yearning (this is dissipating). No pain. To believe I’m worthwhile again.

That sounds like a cool life, and you've already gotten clear on it, good for you.  And courage is not the absence of fear, it's action in the face of fear.  So one way that works is to fully associate emotionally with that future and take one step in that direction.  And then another.  You could do some yoga right now.  You could put on some music and dance around right now.  You could invite someone over for lunch this Sunday, nothing fancy, sandwiches and conversation.  It's about living that life with intention, because you say so, and you will not sacrifice your awesome future anymore, you'll make as much of it your present as you can right now, and build from there.  All it takes is a decision, and courage is not something we get, it's something we do; a decision to live that life without compromise will inspire you to create the courage, because you won't have a choice. 

[Larmoyant]

FHTH, thanks so much for this. It's helped me and today I've made the decision to get out more and stop hiding from the world. Learning about BPD 'is' helping me take my power back. More and more I’m understanding where he was coming from which helps me unload much of it. Still, there’s that horrible little voice questioning me if some of it was true. I need to push those thoughts away. I like the idea of focusing on what’s real and what I know is true about me. I am ok. A good person. Not fake!

As for telling him not to talk to me like that there were times I did just that, only that was a recipe for sure disaster. I was emotionally annihilated most of the time. He was very strong and overall I was often quite shocked by the things he said. Fight, freeze or flight. The whole relationship seemed like a huge battle for me to hold my head above water. Almost like a fight for my self-esteem to remain intact. As the relationship went on it became harder and harder to fight the increasing negativity. I really am glad I found the strength to get out now before I was a lost cause.

I’ve made a decision today to start moving forwards and have accepted an invite out this Saturday. This time I am going to make it.

[fromheeltoheal]

I’ve made a decision today to start moving forwards and have accepted an invite out this Saturday. This time I am going to make it.

Yes!  There's some certainty.  There's power in certainty.  And enjoy the heck out of that outing, like it's part of your bright future, because it is.

[lovenature]

I’ve internalised all those negative things he said, compounded by me joining in because I’m so upset that I let the relationship ruin all those wonderful opportunities I had. I feel like a failure and so disappointed in myself. Let so many people down.

You internalized the negative things he said because of who he was to you combined with how you feel about yourself, I did the same thing; think about how you would feel if a total stranger said the same things to you (someone without a serious mental illness).

You were exposed to a disorder that exists to deny itself; we can't fault ourselves for wanting wonderful opportunities for ourselves and loved ones.

You are not a failure, you have been involved with BPD; it has been said that there are professionals that refuse to treat PWBPD because they don't think they can help them. Even therapists that do treat them often need therapists of their own to keep them grounded in reality.

Take it one day at a time L, always be realistic, and think of the progress you have made-even though it is very hard to see when you are going through recovery.