Texts me a few hours later at work saying she moved out and I never saw her again

[pjstock42]

4 months in while at a bar, she randomly blurted out "I'm going to marry you, *my name*!"

2nd time we ever hung out, she told me about how she was "raped" (this turned out to be a lie) and how she was institutionalized after trying to commit suicide in the past. Again, this was within the first few hours of ever talking to her.

Near the end, I drove her to the train station because she was "going to a dinner party with friends". She said she would text me by a certain time, this time passed and I sat there like an idiot waiting for another 2 hours for her to finally text me as she wouldn't respond / pick up the phone. Got mad at me for calmly mentioning that I thought it was disrespectful to leave me sitting there waiting for her. Turns out I was driving her around so she could go cheat on me with an ex boyfriend.

And, of course, the discard itself. Leaving for work in the morning, telling me how much she loves me and can't wait to do whatever with me later. Texts me a few hours later at work saying she moved out and I never saw her again.

Man, sometimes when I write this stuff out and read through it, I can't believe these things really happened in my life.

[Pretty Woman]

Pj, I am sorry that happened to you.  That's pretty much what happened to me. First date I got her life story complete with rape, abortion, former drug use, gambling addiction, childhood abuse.

The partner prior to me was a "sex addicted prison psychologist" she has a RO on... .

Three months in she is calling this woman to help fix an electrical breaker in my house.

A month into our relationship she started talking about her BF ex in Minnesota who she eventually left me for... .only to return three weeks later. This woman came to town and I actually let them hang out thinking this was a friend. I found a letter later along with a wedding ring. This woman though she was saving my ex from me.

I started to realize many people I thought were her friends were really old lovers, supply she was trying to snag. I too, was finally discarded being called "my best friend"... .

She never spoke to me again, smeared my reputation... .left with our dog.

Yeah it hurts.

It's hard to have loved someone and you realize it didn't exist... .your whole relationship... well at least not to your partner.

She is going on a year and a half with my replacement. They moved in together in July. We had already been through at least six breakups by this time. It's hard, sometimes I think maybe this will work out for her. Then I think of exes I knew personally... .she cheated on all of us. I'm silly to think she miraculously changed overnight.

[richardson]

Same exact discard here.  Made love Sunday night.  Monday morning.  She was telling me I was the only guy ever she liked to sleep close to... .

I went to work and two hours later  she called saying she moved all her things out and it is over. 

[pjstock42]

The OP in this thread was actually a reply to a different thread about red flags, wondering why this is now somehow it's own thread?

[Anez]

Mine brought stuff to my place - shampoo, etc. - and asked if it was cool for her to leave that at my place for the next time she came over. I said of course and gave her a hug. She never spent another night at my place.

But I do get to see her every day at work! Though that has gotten easier to deal with as time has gone. We don't talk at all anymore besides the occasional hello if we pass in the hall, which is hardly ever.

[hurting300]

4 months in while at a bar, she randomly blurted out "I'm going to marry you, *my name*!"

2nd time we ever hung out, she told me about how she was "raped" (this turned out to be a lie) and how she was institutionalized after trying to commit suicide in the past. Again, this was within the first few hours of ever talking to her.

Near the end, I drove her to the train station because she was "going to a dinner party with friends". She said she would text me by a certain time, this time passed and I sat there like an idiot waiting for another 2 hours for her to finally text me as she wouldn't respond / pick up the phone. Got mad at me for calmly mentioning that I thought it was disrespectful to leave me sitting there waiting for her. Turns out I was driving her around so she could go cheat on me with an ex boyfriend.

And, of course, the discard itself. Leaving for work in the morning, telling me how much she loves me and can't wait to do whatever with me later. Texts me a few hours later at work saying she moved out and I never saw her again.

Man, sometimes when I write this stuff out and read through it, I can't believe these things really happened in my life.

Omg... .This post made me tear up. What happened too you happen to me as well. Except my ex didn't tell me she was leaving. She just disappeared. She told me she was raped on our second date. Wow. I'm in shock.

[Confused108]

Wow! I am so very sorry you went thru this. I was told about similar things with my ex. The difrence is my ex was my childhood friend and Normal at that time. I was told after she found me on Facebook that she was molested by her brother
And his friend. Then she was raped by her ex boyfriend. Then she deleted Her brother and that ex boyfriend off Facebook to add to the illusion. My ex told me how much she loved me and how thank God she was so busy at work otherwise she would be climbing walls missing me... .sure ! That night over a small disagreement I was told she needed space . Didn't hear from her for 2 whole days! Then on the 2nd night she sent me an email at 130 am. Telling me how hard she felt it was to communicate with me. Sure it was . Just another lie. I then asked her don't you love me? Her response ... .No and I don't know why I ever said that to you in the 1st place. So after my discard guess who she put back on Facebook? Yep that molesting brother and her raping ex boyfriend. All lies btw and I didn't put 2 and 2 together until I was discarded and came here.

[Confused108]

Oh and I forgot to mention before that after talking with my ex last year right away she wanted to get married and also told me she was in and out of mental institutions while living in Canada. I do know that she was put in one here in NY as a 14 yo girl. That was after my mother broke us up. But now in Canada I don't buy it.

[stimpy]

Man, sometimes when I write this stuff out and read through it, I can't believe these things really happened in my life.

I was thinking just this the other day, when you look back, it is hard t believe. I now realise that I dated a woman, who was quite happy to try and destroy me. I'm just glad I refused the recycle attempts... .but man it is still hard to believe.

As for the events you mention, yes you're not alone.

Mine was

First meeting - hates her evil mother

First date - says she hates her job and wants to work in an undertakers.

Second date - was beaten by her first husband, had her wrist broken by a boyfriend

Fourth date - tells me she was forced to sleep with her mentally disabled brother who is now dead.

4 months later, on her birthday, send me a text at midday saying she was thinking of me.

6 hours after that, just before I was going over to hers with all her birthday presents, get a text saying she never wants to see me again.

Then spends the next year stalking me... .

She was hot, and charming and funny, and... .I fell for her pity play! Now of course I'm kicking myself for ignoring the red flags... .

Yeah, you couldn't make it up!

[JQ]

Hey Group,

I've noticed something in common with all of your post but no one has put 2 + 2 together. Anyone? ... .Anyone? ... .Bueller?    It's the classic Push / Pull behavior that happens when your respective BPD has overwhelming feelings or fears of engulfment so they push you away ... .then once you are out of the picture they have extreme feelings of Abandonment so they try to pull you back in.

None of us are immune to it including me ... .the only difference is how MANY times you allow this to happen before you take care of YOU & set those boundaries we talk about so much. When you set those boundaries YOU set them for YOU and not for your exBPD.  When you set those boundaries you set the NC  ... .when you set the NC then you are allowing YOURSELF to take care of YOU and eliminating the recycle that you, me and all who have a exBPD tends to do until WE put a stop to it ... .

J

[Visitor]

I got all this rape story pretty early on too.

Can somebody please tell me why they are so keen to tell us this so early and why some of them, or maybe even most of them, lie about it?

[stimpy]

I got all this rape story pretty early on too.

Can somebody please tell me why they are so keen to tell us this so early and why some of them, or maybe even most of them, lie about it?

I never got the chance to ask my ex, so I don't know from personal experience. But from what I've researched it's a technique to pull you in... .either by

- playing the victim so that you want to be the "knight in shining armour" to "save" them.

- to make you feel special by revealing such personal information so early on, so pulling you in.

- to make you reciprocate, tell them personal stuff, that can then be used against you.

Also, I think it is a way of hiding their true selves. The person you get to know isn't truly them, it is what has happened to them. So I think it is also a type of barrier to conceal who they actually are.

[Confused108]

Saying something horrific has happened to them for example: I was raped is a  tactic they use to rope us in. So we feel bad for them... .we want to save them... .etc.  This is what I was told . Of course for some  it's not even true. Disgusting plain and simple. One thing is for sure ... .you can't belive the Lord's Prayer outta their mouths! Period!

[rfriesen]

It might be worth noting that portraying oneself as vulnerable early on is hardly unique to pwBPD. In fact, the one woman I dated who exhibited traits of BPD (and the reason I'm on this site) did not put forward those kinds of vulnerability stories. But I have been with a handful of other women who have told me very early on that they had been raped in the past or about abortions they've had to have. I'll always believe the person who tells me, unless/until I have good reason to doubt, but I have to say I've sometimes been thrown by the casual, almost glib, way I've been told by a few of them. As if they were letting me know, "that's just the way the world is, people are bad." And, yes, that sets us up to be the "rescuer", the guy who will always be good to her. Which is fine, if she really is being open and letting you know she's carrying some pain/vulnerability, so long as it doesn't get manipulative -- I've been with a couple of women who (from my perspective) sent out clearly conflicting messages as to whether they wanted me to be a "bad boy" and aggressive sexually or whether they needed someone who was very gentle. I don't blame them for it, since I don't know what motivated it or what conflicts they themselves felt internally (even though I did try to have those discussions), but it always felt manipulative to me, and I never stayed in relationships like that.

If someone has been sexually assaulted, then it's certainly their choice whether and when to tell a partner. But I feel it warrants a serious discussion, not what feel like head games. I don't like head games and I've always thought I was pretty good at spotting them and setting boundaries ... .until my BPD ex, that is. She actually never talked too much about her exes, didn't portray herself as a victim, and in fact initially portrayed herself as pretty thick-skinned and always the heart-breaker in past relationships. She set me up to be "the one who would last", the one who could connect with her and hold onto her, where everyone else had failed. I still flinch thinking of how hard I bought into that self-image.

She did play the victim, but not in the context of anything others had done. Rather, it was always raging or sobbing because of some way I had "let her down". Usually it was her extreme jealousy. I never cheated on her and never even thought of it -- but my ex has serious trust issues because she's always cheated on her partners, as she herself would yell at me ... .as though her confession were an accusation against me! She would yell things like, "You can't bulls**t a bulls**tter! And I know all the tricks in the book, because I've used them all!" She would say that kind of thing if I objected, for instance, to her wanting to comb through my cell phone for evidence of whatever she thought I was doing. By the end of the relationship, she insisted that my phone always be out on the table, visible at all times. Almost like a ritual, if we sat down at a restaurant or anywhere else, we placed our phones down side-by-side. It's sick, really, to be in a relationship where trust has sunk to that level.

And it's strange to think about in the context of this thread. She didn't portray herself as the victim of things others had done to her. Instead, she would portray herself as the victim of something she thought I had done, and she would base her accusation on this terrific insight from she supposedly had from all the times she had victimised others. And her pain and vulnerability were so raw and intense that I would focus on that, instead of confronting the content of her accusations ... .so that I always ended up comforting her whenever she raged and accused me of things I hadn't done!

In any case, I believe her pain and sense of vulnerability were genuine, so I tried to help. But it all became so twisted.

What's the takeaway from this thread so far? For me, it's a red flag if you find yourself acting apologetic or comforting your partner for something you're not guilty of. In any relationship -- but in BPD relationships more than others -- we can find ourselves set up to play an impossible role. We often embrace that role early on because it places us up on a pedestal, as "the one" our partner has always been looking for, and it can set us up for a real teardown. It's fine to comfort your partner if they're hurting, but we need to be clear about what we accept responsibility/guilt for. With my ex, even if the accusations weren't true, by the end I found myself feeling constantly guilty and worried about setting her off again. That's no way to live.

[Visitor]

Well it seems rfriesen that I got the double whammy, as on top of the (double) rape stories I got the abortion story too. Apparently she was forced to do this against her will. She also had two failed suicide "attempts".

(Jesus putting this in black and white really hits it home)

BPD rape stories seem to be VERY common but just like mine they never seem to go to the police or tell anybody about it (except us).

It all seems a recipe for a false rape claim for some poor unfortunate soul down the line.

It's all just so so sickening  to me.

[Confused108]

Yep I totally forgot about that one. My ex had asked me how I felt about her having an abortion. I said well it's your body your choice. Then it came out she had one at 19yo. Then weeks later she would bring it up again how I felt about woman getting abortions? I was like I told you already.  So happened the guy at the time who was her boyfriend my friend knew. So I asked him was it true? He said she was a pathological liar and it never happened. He also told me she was "nuts" . Well ... .I know that now!

[hurting300]

The very first thing my ex told me is she was raped twice in her life. No I do not believe her.

[Herodias]

"
4 months in while at a bar, she randomly blurted out "I'm going to marry you, *my name*!"

2nd time we ever hung out, she told me about how she was "raped" (this turned out to be a lie) and how she was institutionalized after trying to commit suicide in the past. Again, this was within the first few hours of ever talking to her."                       Well, this was all said to me as well! His Mother even thinks the rapes were a lie! I think we have the big red flags since so many of had heard the same stories! I read these are what abusers and manipulators tell you in the beginning to see if they can get sympathy from you. If you fall for it they know how to hook you from there. Trick is, normal people don't blurt those things out so fast. Next time someone tells you those stories, tell them you are sorry to hear that and then move on!

[JRT]

Similar discard on this end: after a VERY trouble free 2 year relationship and engagement, she sold her redundant stuff and moved in. Three weeks in, we ordered our wedding rings. Three days after that, she discarded me via text when I went out of town for work. She blocked me and even had her family and friends block me on social media! I never heard from her again... .