I left, again...is it normal to feel relieved?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

...

I know I did the only thing I could do at the time. I left, and filed. He's wanting me back, and I have not halted the divorce. Why would I? I'm not seeing any real change... .

How do you know he wants you back?  What does he say?  What do you say in response?

FF

[formflier]

...

I know I did the only thing I could do at the time. I left, and filed. He's wanting me back, and I have not halted the divorce. Why would I? I'm not seeing any real change... .

How do you know he wants you back?  What does he say?  What do you say in response?

FF

[Ceruleanblue]

He has times or "moments" where he has wanted me back. The first being when he begged me to meet him after I moved and went NC. I reluctantly met him at a restaurant, and he cried off an on during dinner, and asked for the infamous "list". That was the first time. Later, it's been sporadic, with him bouncing between "fine, divorce me" to "get out"(I moved back in due because I couldn't afford to commute it), but then we had four really great days. The good days were actually immediately following him getting some divorce papers in the mail. It's so baffling.

He said he just "chose" to get over it and not react. Uhm, if he knows he can do it, why doesn't he use these skills more? We had four of our best days since we married, followed by him pushing me away, reacting badly, and generally acting butt hurt that I've filed. His pride is hurt, I'm sure, he feels control slipping away, and he's slipped back into blaming and negative mode(towards me only of course, per usual).

He's mostly worried about what he's going to lose in the divorce. Not as much worry about actually losing someone that put up with all this nonsense, and loved him despite it. He's an angry, rageful, bitter, totally dominant, controlling man, but I always forgave, and had empathy for how hurt he must be to behave in this way. I never thought I deserved how he treated me, but I do think me empathy for him kept me stuck.

So yeah, I think he has moments where he wants the marriage because he says things like "we are working on it", but then he goes back to feeling rejected(which is ironic, as he spend years threatening me an emotionally abusing me with divorce threats) by the fact I filed. I thought I was saving myself from all this chaos, drama, blame and emotional dysregulation and narcissism, but HE views it as rejecting or abandoning. I left to stand up for myself, because I always knew I deserved so much better, and because I thought it was what he wanted.

I should have knows no matter what I did: stay or go, it would be the wrong thing according to him. It's such a baffling thing the way his thinking is just backwards and not based on much reality.

[Notwendy]

Hi response to the divorce papers isn't surprising if you understand that BPD is part stunted emotional growth.

A young child can misbehave, but they eventually learn how to behave. So, a child hits his sibling. The parent takes a favorite toy away. The child pleads to get it back promises to behave to get the toy back. He wants the toy! But he hasn't learned the lesson- do not hit your sibling. So, he behaves for a bit, and gets the toy back. His incentive to behave is now gone. He got the toy. Then, he smacks his sibling again.

A parent may start with this, but the goal isn't to teach the child how to get and keep a toy. It is how to relate to his sibling. If the child is able to process the issue more ( as he matures) he learns that to hit his sibling hurts the sibling. He can connect to this. He eventually learns to not hit his sibling because he knows it isn't right- toy or no toy.

I think that the ability of a disordered person to attain this is variable. They can have issues with impulsiveness, denial, - things that get in the way of their learning. If they find a partner who enables their behavior, this can halt their learning as well.

Your H did what he knew had worked in the past. Someone gets angry at him or leaves. He wants the person back. He knows how to be charming, so he does it and when it works the motivation isn't there anymore. Why doesn't he use these skills more often? Because the motivation isn't there. Yes, you wish for him to be "that guy" but for that to happen, he has to want to be "that guy" because he is internally motivated.

How do you know the difference? Change takes time, and truly changed behaviors are sustained with or without a reward. A kid who truly has learned not to hit his sibling and  doesn't want to hit his sibling, won't hit the sibling with or without a toy.

[patientandclear]

CB: it seems like it's got to be a very confusing situation for your H (and at some level for you). You've filed for divorce but you've moved back in. You remain focused in detail on his reactions to you and what you've done, and whether his reactions do and don't change. You're functioning in many respects as partners. This does not really sound like the path of someone who is done or is choosing to end a marriage. It sounds like saying you are ending a marriage and watching to see what effect that has.

Those are two very different projects with respect to detachment and getting the benefits that eventually come from separation and healing. What's your path here?

[KateCat]

Ceruleanblue,

Do you have the financial stability to be able to make this decision with a clear head? I recall that "you" is also your son, your daughter and your cat. Earlier this year, I believe, your son was living with your parents, and you, your daughter and your cat were living with your husband.

Is it in part the challenge of that situation that seems to be resonating as confusion in your recent posts?

I think patientandclear makes an important point about the benefits that eventually come from separating and healing. In your case it seems that many might benefit from a clear decision on your part.

[Ceruleanblue]

Well, here is where things stand. I've filed, I'm going through with the divorce, and I now have a job. All things I felt I had to do. I'm super sad about the divorce, but I don't know what else to do. It IS confusing because he says he wants to "work on us", but he doesn't make any changes, and he's right back to his erratic, selfish, controlling behaviors. At least, he's trying, but he doesn't have much "power" now, as I'm not dependent on him, really. I mean, I'm here, it's convenient, but I also have somewhere else to go to if he gets super ugly again.

He knows the divorce is going through. I didn't want it, but I saw it as necessary. I could not, just absolutely could not tolerate the emotional torture of being threatened with divorce all the time. It really messed with my head. His moods change like the wind, from moment to moment some days. Sometimes I get a couple good days, but that is rare. Mostly, I get the bad stuff.

I don't think all of this is as confusing to him as it is to me. I've always known what I wanted: a committed marriage to a friend and lover. Even with his BPD/NPD behaviors, I didn't want to leave, but his behaviors and the abuse became really awful. What's weird, is I was probably happier married than he was. I worked hard at being happy, and don't depend on him for my sole source of happiness. I actually like who I am, and how I treat others.

He has told me that he understands why I filed: because he'd threatened me for so long, and I really did think I was giving him what he wanted. I really did it for ME though. I deserve so much more than I'd been getting in this marriage. I still think we had so much going for us, but if HE can't see it, and if he's going to keep being and seeing me in such a negative light, there's not much I can do about that.

My job is here, and my commute would be long. I don't know how long I'll be here. It could be a year, it could be I leave at any moment(if he becomes enraged or scary again). In a way, I think if we are divorced, he'll have lost a lot of power. At least the power to threaten divorce.

I actually think he has moments of wanting me gone, followed by moments of getting scared about me divorcing him. At least his actions and reactions show that. I just miss the stable, kind man I dated. I realize it was mostly an act, but I still miss that man. I also realize that that man is gone for me.

In a way, divorce scares me, but it just might also set me free.

[formflier]

In a way, I think if we are divorced, he'll have lost a lot of power. At least the power to threaten divorce.
 
In a way, divorce scares me, but it just might also set me free.

Hey... .how could divorce NOT set your free? 

Why would you care about how much power he has?

What type of relationship do you think you will have post divorce?

FF