Recycled?

[obliv326]

So, a few months back I detailed my story. To sum up, basically I was in a relationship with someone I believe was a pwBPD. I didn't realize this until after I had gotten really frustrated and given her an ultimatum. I tried to salvage things, but it was too late. She initially seemed open to an eventual reconciliation, but some friends of mine called her out on the fact that she had immediately begun to act out sexually, and she went NC on me. That was May.

Since then, she's kind of been acting out sexually, but I haven't had contact with her since then other than her telling me that she would be going to an event I was also planning on attending.

Until yesterday, when she sent me a text telling me that I was still on her mind and she didn't want me to feel like I'd been forgotten.

My reaction is to thank her for her message, tell her it was really nice of her to have said that, and that it means a lot to me. I would say I'm doing well, I hope she is also. Maybe a joke?

Have I been recycled? How should I handle this? Any insight anyone can provide would be a huge help.

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[Turkish]

It doesn't sound like you're in any kind of relationship,  so I wouldn't call it a recycle.  It sounds like she's the one who went NC when she was caught.  She contacted you.  It sounds like you haven't responded yet.  I can't speak for her,  but I don't see this as a joke.  She probably feels that way,  mistakenly attributing her feelings to you.  Perhaps she's really saying "I hope you haven't for forgotten about me."

The rekindling of romance takes two.  What do you want here? 

[obliv326]

Hey

Thanks for the reply. To clarify, we were in a relationship. When I made the ultimatum it kind of broke apart. And yes, she went NC, but not because of anything I did.

I haven't responded yet. And by "Maybe a joke" I was saying that I might tell her a joke in my response. I don't think it's a joke to her.

I would kind of like to see what would happen now if we rekindled since I know a little bit better how to handle someone with BPD. I suppose I'm wondering how best to respond?

[Turkish]

Ah. Well,  many have observed that pwBPD don't handle sarcasm or even humor well.  You know her best though.  I think your response sounds fine.  It's kind,  validating and neutral. I've seen members go into past issues when responding to similar queries, and it tilts the convo negative right at the start.  It's better to open a dialog without presenting a target.

[Meili]

I agree with Turkish, I think that the response sounds fine and to leave the joke out.

It does not sound like you've been recycled yet. It sounds like she's just opening a dialog. You would have to respond to see where that goes. Do you think that you're strong enough in your self to handle it? I don't mean that to sound negative, but being in a relationship with a pwBPD takes a very strong sense of self to not get ground into nothingness.

[obliv326]

First, thank you both for responding. It was very helpful to have some feedback.

I actually did write her back about a week and a half ago. I did include a couple bad jokes, because that had been something she loved when we first started writing.

She responded almost immediately. She said she liked the jokes and I hit a smile from her. She told me she was doing well, about to start work and get a new place to live. She also said she was glad I wrote back.

This was better than I expected, actually. I wrote back and we exchanged a few very light texts, mostly talking about a couple movies coming out. I actually went to bed before her last one and responded last Monday.

She answered on Thursday. Again, it was all pretty surface talk, nothing at all deep or meaningful or dealing with the past. That was last Thursday. It will be a week since she responded, but I have no doubt that she will write again.

At this point, I'm kind of letting her decide when and where the conversation goes, and definitely not to force anything. I've even held off writing her since to share some things that I think she would find pretty cool because I don't want to give the impression that I'm either too eager, or that I want to step on her desire for space, which she hasn't completely removed. I would ask if you think this is a wise way to proceed? She might be expecting me to put in more effort, but I kind of figure I should assume that she still wants space until she says otherwise.

Also, one thing she put in the message that caused me to write this post is that she had been putting off writing it for awhile. This makes me think that talking to me is still kind of an emotional experience for her. I'm not sure whether sending her messages that she would find interesting and cool would help with that mind state, or if my writing would make it seem more like I'm pressing.

And to answer one question above... .Am I ready to be in a relationship with a PwBPD... .I think so. At least this time I know what I'm getting into, so it won't be so frustrating. Regardless, I do care about her very much, and I am pretty sure she feels the same, and I'd like to try.

[Meili]

Thanks for the update. It's good to hear that the communication went well.

I would ask if you think this is a wise way to proceed? She might be expecting me to put in more effort, but I kind of figure I should assume that she still wants space until she says otherwise.

I think that this is the best way to proceed, and agree that she'll let you know when less space is needed by her.

It's far too easy to get caught up in our own excitement and emotions and push for too much too soon. I'm extremely guilty of that behavior and it has been a painful less for me. Other people on these boards have destroyed their chances at saving the relationship by doing those things.

To be in a relationship with anyone, not just a pwBPD, To function as a healthy member of a society, we all have to learn to control our emotions and not give in to the impulses they create. For many of us, these quiet periods are a great chance to practice that control. It sounds like you are doing a great job of that! 

[obliv326]

Thank you very much Melli! Your input has been very helpful.

Learning control is tough, because I do find myself constantly excited to tell her about things that have happened or that I know she would find interesting. I just miss her a lot. But I also know that my control is what has allowed the doors of communication to open again. I'm sure if I'd reached out to her, it would have at the very least set things back, so I'm glad I held out and didn't give in to temptation.

One question... .Do you think it would do any good, when we do talk again, to mention that I don't care to rehash the past and go over all of that? Its been a week since I've heard from her, and I'm sure some of that is due to her having an emotional reaction to the idea of talking to me. Or should I just try and use our talks to show her that it doesn't have to be an ordeal to talk?

Thanks again. Your input has been a huge help.

[Meili]

It's recommended to not bring up the past. If she brings it up, listen with empathy and validate. Don't JADE!  This will show her that it doesn't have to be an ordeal to talk to you.

Having new and interesting things to talk about is always a good plan.

[obliv326]

Thanks! That's what I intend to do... .No JADE. I want her to be able to have fun with me when we talk... .

In the meantime, it's been two weeks since she's written. I'm trying to not get too worked up, since it was 4 months when we last talked before she messaged me. And the fact that she sent it at all is just a good thing. So I have to assume that I'm still on her mind. And according to some mutual friends, she's been acting out sexually pretty much since we broke up, and last week it seemed to maybe have reached a new peak, as she acted out publicly. I know that really has nothing to do with me, but it does suck since it seems like she's playing with every guy in the state except me... .

But I'm trying to just let that go and not worry about it. I'm sure she'll be in touch again, and it would seem that at some point I'll get a chance to be with her again.

In the meantime, I'm trying to improve myself and stay happy. But it's hard. I've missed her so much and it's all I can do to not text her. But I know it will be for the best to let her come back on her own.

At any rate, your advice has been really helpful! I appreciate it very much!

[Meili]

Do you think that it would help if you asked your mutual friends not to tell you things about her?

Well-meaning friends can inadvertently make things worse.

[obliv326]

It might help going forward. However, even knowing what I know now, it still stings a bit. It feels like every other guy can be trusted, but I'm some kind of pariah, so... .yeah.

[Meili]

That may be because the other guy can't/doesn't cause the same type(s) of emotional responses that you do. You probably have become a trigger for her.

[obliv326]

That was my concern. I suppose it does beg the question why she kept in touch with me for so long... .Pretty much everyday for months... .More importantly, how do I stop being a trigger? I'm assuming it's time, to let her undo that in her own mind, and then just not doing anything to trigger her when we do get in contact?

Also, her birthday is coming up, so I sent her something and a text wishing her a happy birthday. She wrote me back, thanked me very nicely, and told me she appreciated the smile because she needed it. That seems to indicate that something was wrong, so I asked if she were okay. She wrote back and told me that things were not going well. She's having stress on numerous fronts. We had a conversation via text that went on for a bit. I made sure to validate her feelings, and tried to offer some possible suggestion that might help. It seemed to go pretty well.

One of the things that hurt me the most is that she seemed to trust me, and I had seemed to lose that from her. Yesterday it felt like she felt she could trust and confide in m again, which made me feel very good.

I haven't heard from her yet today, which isn't a big deal. It takes her time to write back. Although after she reached out before, it had actually been about 3 weeks since we had talked.

My initial reaction is to just sit back and let her get back to me when she gets a chance to. I was wondering, though, if it would be damaging to just check up on her in a few days if I don't hear back? Nothing big... .Just a sort of "was worried about you and wanted to see how you're doing"... .

I don't want it to seem like I'm imposing or stepping on her toes. She did ask for space, and I have that to her. I don't know if her reaching out changed anything or not, but I went with the assumption that she still wants space until she makes it clear otherwise... .I doubt she'll come right out and say it.

And my hope was that, since yesterday seemed to be positive, I might be able to suggest taking her out for dinne for her birthday.

Anyway, I am always completely confused about how to react or what to do with her. I care for her so much and would love to try and make things work, but it's a completely foreign playbook. So any answers at all will be deeply appreciated

[Meili]

Yes, if she asked for space, give it to her until she shows you otherwise.

There are no hard and fast rules about when to contact and how much. Only you know her. Take for instance my x, she likes to be checked on. It makes her feel good and safer. There are others on here whose ex wants NC when they say NC.

As for how to not be a trigger, that seems to come from consistency over time.

[obliv326]

Okay... .So!

Late last night she wrote me back. She answered the last question I had posed to her, which was in response to her telling me that she had been having anxiety attacks and it had gotten so bad she had considered getting medication. I had asked what kind she had been considering, and encouraged her to absolutely get medicine if she needed it. I told her ther was no shame in that, and that she should do whatever she has to in order to get past this rough period. Invalidated the fact that she was feeling stress and that anyone would in her situation, but that it was going to change soon... .Indeed, part of her situation was financial, and she has actually already been offered a job. There was a delay in getting her started because it is with a school and they have to clear everyone. They were behind in that dept, but it was only a matter of time, so there was hope.

She wrote back, really briefly, saying that she was looking into anti anxiety medication, but had gotten news that day that her process was moving forward, and she was scheduled for a physical today.

I wrote her back this morning, and jokingly claimed credit for her good news. She wrote back, and was happy about the job fact... .But then told me that her car had broken a belt and she was now dealing with that, which was more stress.

So, what I've been doing today has been validation... .Acknowledging her level of stress, letting her know I sympathize and understand why she's stressed, and offer to help as much as possible. This was part of how we interacted before, and what I often do is try to be calm and clear, and let her know what she needs to do next. Sometimes when she's stressed she gets so overwhelmed that she doesn't think clearly about the situation at hand, and one of the things I think I did well before was to help her with that. Today she was worried about being able to get to her babysitting job this morning, and then to her physical. I validated her concern, and told her that it might be a good idea to call and let them know she had car trouble. Tell them she still planned to make her appt., but just make them aware of the problem. I also offered to get her an uber to get to where she needed to be, and to help her find a way to tow her car... .And I told her I would have been happy to come up and drive her if I weren't working today.

It seemed to work. She actually asked about what I was doing and we had a nice talk. It seemed to make her feel better for awhile. The she seemed to get overwhelmed again. I began validating and doing what I could to help.

She then said that she felt like she had strained her arms trying to push her car, and since she had to hold babies, she thought her arms would be sore, and she might have an assessment in her physical that could b affected. Again, I validated. I told her I hated that she was having to deal with all this and I was sorry she was so stressed out. She actually said her initial reaction was to think I was being sarcastic.

I assured her that I was absolutely sincere. I have her some ideas on how to maybe deal with her sore arms, and get through her physical. That was awhile ago, and she hasn't written back, but I'm sure she will.

Today has been the longest conversation we've had in months. This is very good and I feel pretty well about how I handled things. I'll keep validating and trying to be positive and help her through this.

I'm assuming that her willingness to share the fact that she's stressed, and to listen to the advice I'm giving her, is positive? I do worry a little about being someone who she only goes to to complain, and that everyone else gets her when she's in a better mood? I don't know if that's even a thing that PwBPD do?

I feel like I'm being given the chance to not be associated with triggers anymore? Maybe to be someone she trusts? It feels good... .Definitely different than before. I feel lucky today bc it seems like I'm getting a second chance. I'm going to handle this one with a great deal of care.