There is never going to be a chance at reconciliation. I see this now

[Mars22]

... not sure where to begin. And excuse me for being all over the boards in my mind. But, i need to get this out.

I have not talked to my ex in close to 6 months NC.

Yesterday i see her at a bar we met at, a bar that i avoided until now because football season is here and i have many friends who all go there. She knows I’m going to be there on Sundays... there should have been no shock to see me.

First off, before she even walks into the bar, she sends her best girlfriends boyfriend over to me out of nowhere (who I met only briefly socially when my ex and i were together,) to tell the that... ’ J is gonna be in the bar and that I should stay away from her and not to talk to her when she comes in the bar. And I must always be 10 ft away from her. Is this crazy ?  I’m told this prior to her entrance into the bar?

Needless to say, this type of behavior did not sit well with me. So, yes... i went over to her after about 45 minutes, walked up and said gently and kindly... “Hey how have you been... ?”...

So now, the guy who promoted me about not going over there starts getting aggressive... She doesn’t even look at me, says “I can’t be here right now ” and walks briskly way and go hides in the bathroom! Meanwhile I’m left being aggressively lectured by a guy I barely now telling me to go away and that my ex doesn’t want to talk to me. Kept telling me to go away! Of course, i was calm did not engage his behavior. It almost feels like now he caused the problem. Had he not gotten aggressive with me and yelled at me, perhaps she could have least tried to talk if it was calmer moment ?

One of my wife friends finally came over to get me... and it settled down. I kept my cool the whole time.

Then, both her girlfriend and the guy went in the bathroom to get her to tell that ... it was clear and that I’m away and was gone.

— What’s with the drama people?

This is the way it is? I’ve spent 6 months, avoiding her, going to therapy, bettering myself and she is having people come up to me to tell to me to stay away before she even sees me? This girl is 35 years old. And honestly, if I just saw her in there and wasn’t prompted to stay away... I’m feeling like wouldn’t have approached her… maybe give it a few more times to see other in public at the bar seems like a better plan.

Why couldn’t she just be at the bar a not make big deal outta this?

Actually, i guess I know why… as I’ve been learning about it this half a year now! It just hurts that now i see first hand. There is never going to be a chance at reconciliation.

6 months of obsession about being a better when see her and, BAM!... she runs away from me.

[Pretty Woman]

Because it's not you. I hope you see that now. There is nothing wrong with a lil self improvement... .we could all use that... .however she cannot control you.

The bar is a public place. She does not own said bar. She is welcome to leave if she would like. You did nothing wrong.

Don't try to rationalize with the irrational and their enablers. You are best to simply ignore, refuse to engage... .
let them look like the idiots they are.

 

[Mars22]

... And now I notice today that our last official connection we had was photography site... She has unfollowed me.

That was out last bit of attachment so to speak... that was our last connection with each other to be able to peek in each others lives...

... .not anymore. I guess its a statement.  So i returned in kind and unfollowed her back.

I feel sad and anxious about my decision but, it needed to be done i guess .

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mars, Agree w/Pretty Woman: don't get into it with her.  :)on't play her game, because it's a Lose/Lose proposition.  Agree w/you: time to let go of the reconciliation fantasy and get on with yer life.  As awkward as this encounter may have been, maybe it was also a good lesson, right?  You can ignore her next time.

LuckyJim

[myself]

You see with healthier eyes, she showed clearly where she comes from.

Those last things we change/let go of are some of the deepest.
They're also some of the moments where we most believe in ourselves.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

This would have left me humiliated.  The pre-confrontation confrontation by the male friend was unnecessary.  I feel like it showed some courage to approach her, I couldn't have done that.  I've been through something like this before and it left me feeling lost.  I fantasized a lot about telling my ex off or punching the guy out who was acting tough with me. 

I'm a little older than her.  If she navigates relationships like this it won't get easier to have a good life.  Forget the diagnosis, look at her behavior.  It really tells the whole story.

[Mars22]

Well - i had bit of weakness and sent this email last night on Facebook. Part of me regrets it but, at the same time feel I'm upset... The pain she caused was private and now I feel it was made public...

I know she won't reply but, this feels like the closure i need. To stand my ground given all she;s put me through. Once and for all. It feels like she still needs to continue to cause me pain.

I know she does not have the capacity to  even begun to feel what I wrote yet, it needed to be said... .for me more perhaps.



 Here's what i wrote:


J - again, please read this in quiet soft tone. I am not angry, I'm upset.

So.
... .can we please put an end to this already?

Are you so blind to the facts after all this time that you can't seem to realize the pain you've caused me as well? Why are you the one always in such pain? I'm a human being too and feel our loss of the relationships death... .And I'm well moving on too.

It feels a bit unfair for you to send JK into my personal life and act as if i treated unfairly during our relationship? He suddenly claims to know intimate details about me and my actions ? Really? Why is that his business?

What happened between me and you deserves to remain between me and you - nobody else. Why must you drag my name through this horrible process with people who want to judge me? That's unfair?

Regardless of what you believe of me and my character, I'm a kind and generous person with flaws like the rest of us. I tried my best to make you happy and I was left feeling like nothing more than a doormat for you after your 5 year relationship with J went bust.  Yeah,  I was a rebound. Sad reality for me see now.

For 6 months now I kept my distance from you and respected your space and i never reached out and/or bothered you once it was clear you don't want me your life. But this weekends drama was my line.

I'm am so ready to meet you privately so we can act like two, loving people who actually once cared about each other so we can put YOUR apparent  issues with me to rest. Did you ever care about me? Cause you actions continue to speak otherwise. And I know, that meeting will never happen. So be it.

JK talks about respecting boundaries (and I will J -- I don't need to be told) ... Well, if I respect your boundaries than please respect mine. Please stop pitting your friends and lovers against me which causes more problems for both of us. Especially emotionally.

JK got aggressive this weekend, not me. I came over with compassion and love.

Enough is enough.

I will always love you and will find compassion for you as the years pass. Maybe if you give me that same opportunity and respect, you just might feel better about all this nonsense and begin to treat me with some dignity. I deserve that.

It only gets better if we want it do. For the last time - I'm so sorry. I really am. Please stop treating me like I'm a crazyman and making feel worse than i already do about all this. Ok?

We are both better people J.

Peace,
- M

[Pretty Woman]

You just violated her boundaries by sending her an email. She has told you to leave her alone and yet you persist.  She's told you she doesn't want to see/speak to you, she's sent people over to you in public places to ask you to leave.
Why are you doing this to yourself?

I'm not saying this to upset you. Ive been here. I've done this.  All you are doing is giving her ammo to come back at you with a restraining order. Now she has this email she can waive around saying, "see, he won't leave me alone!" She also has her enablers such as bar dude as witnesses.

That is what borderlines do. Once you are devalued its gloves off. They believe what they are saying. Any love you thought you had in this union, they are not taking into consideration... .only that very moment. It's almost like am amnesia in some ways.
No response is best response. You are trying to negotiate with an emotional terrorist. If she were a rational person that could handle a rational conversation you wouldn't be in this predicament.
She's not rational. This is not your fault, but it's not your responsibility to try to change her mind and at this point she views you as her enemy and a threat.

Don't beat yourself up, yet don't feed into her psychosis. I get it, I know it's hard and you have much support here on this site!

Keep posting and try not to give her what she really wants: attention. At this stage it only fuels her "storytelling" about how awful you are, even though you aren't. Don't try to correct anything. Walk away.  

My BPD ex broke up with me 13 times. I put up with this 13x. I watched her parade new lovers in front of me, smear me to mutual friends, gaslight me and threaten RO's. I became conditioned to thinking she would always come back... .
Until she didn't.
Once she found a secure replacement I was public enemy #1. I wanted everyone to know she was crazy and I wasn't. Truth is, I fueled her shi-ty behavior by staying. I feel the need to explain myself to everyone including her, I wanted them to see I was a good person and not the monster she was making me out to be.

Thing is this: there will be people who believe you and people who won't. Don't expect HER "" friends to believe you nor care about your feelings. What they know is a distorted view of you courtesy of her. The more you react the more that fuels her distortion. When you ignore you take that power away. She will have to find another target to focus on.

I know this sucks and it's so hurtful. Just keep this in mind: the person you loved only existed that way to you. It was a false face she put up and once her mask slipped... .that was the REAL her. She will be this way with others and there will be more broken hearts after you.

Take this time to fix you, work on you and find your own bliss. She will keep causing mayhem. You, my friend have a unique opportunity... .you can get on with your life... .she's stuck and always will be. It's not your responsibility to help her and she clearly doesn't want it.

PW
 

[prettykitty]

Wait... .are you married?  You said one of your wife's friends came to get you at the bar, so I am a little confused.

But anyway... .
They go on a smear campaign, and there isn't anything you can do about it.  It will provoke you, and it will frustrate you, but if you do anything, you risk looking crazy and then they can justify the things they said about you.  She probably has told this guy a tale that makes her feel better and fools him.  He'll think he's some hot shot protecting her from a crazy ex, and she gets to shift blame and not face any responsibility.  But if you react the way she would like you to react, you risk playing right into it. Best to just stay calm and be like, "Who's coming into the bar?  Oh, I have no problem with her.  I'll stay away, and please ask her to stay away from me, too.  Thank you and good luck."  I know that is hard to do.  I would want to know why my ex is saying things about me that aren't true.  But we don't ever get to know why. 

I'm sure my ex will tell new girls, new friends, mutual friends that I was crazy-- that he wanted to work on us, but I wanted to throw us away.  He'll make himself out to be the good guy who put up with my craziness.  yes,I did go a little crazy, but it was because of his horrible behavior and treatment of me, his double-standard, his accusations, his hypocrisy, his gaslighting.  If I let it get to me and provoke me, I risk me having a bad reaction while he remains calm.  It was so easy for him to fight like crazy with me in private and then walk into the other room and act like nothing was going on and all was good and he was the life of the party.  It was hard for me to shift and act as if we were the happy couple when he just ripped my world apart with crazy accusations.  I'm sure people noticed that something was off with me, but he was fine. So they probably start to think I have a problem, and later when he does the smear campaign and tells people I was crazy and he was so good to me, they might believe him because they will remember seeing him so happy and nice while I was acting so odd.

We don't ever get closure with these people, either.  Trying to meet as adults to talk and express feelings and have a considerate break up can't happen.  It's unfortunate, but you just gotta mae your own closure and accept that they will just think and do what they think and do. 

[Mars22]

oops... .prettykitty... I transposed those words... * my friends wife... *... not mine. I'm single.


So, believe me guys, I realize the error of sending that email given all we know about pwBPD traits. But, ya know what - It happened and for some odd reason, I feel an odd sense of relief about things. And feel some odd sense of closure... .like i said my piece finally after all these months. Was it selfish? It sure was.

Sending somebody to do your bidding; having somebody come up to me ( for the 2nd time I might add) to tell me to stay away, at not treat with respect is WAY over my boundaries. Fair is Fair. And so she now has learned what that feels like. Because everything else up to this point has been her dictating to me her desire... all be it through silent treatment and NOW, through somebody else.

Had this guy came up to me and with respect, brought me aside and respectfully asked me to not to speak with her, that she was still having trouble with all this - Like a gentleman.? Then yes, I would have gladly given her the space she was requesting (as I've been doing since the breakup). And honestly, as I was going to do anyway.

She wants to be respected, well so do I. She wants me to respect her boundaries, well so do I. So if you're not going to talk to me. Respect my boundaries by leaving me alone and not having somebody get in my face for you. Its down right cowardice. Give me the dignity and respect I deserve.

And thats it guys. No more. I see now first hand the juvenile BS I dealt with during the r/s and that its STILL being forced upon me when my sincere intentions are try and move on and not make it weird. I don't need anymore of this high school drama or her dark and negative energy.

I feel now, I've finally established my boundary so I can go into a place i enjoy and NOT be made to feel like I'm the one with the problem, and I'm the monster. This is her drama, and her issue with me, not my issue with her. Good Riddance.

[trainwrecked1]

I feel now, I've finally established my boundary so I can go into a place i enjoy and NOT be made to feel like I'm the one with the problem, and I'm the monster. This is her drama, and her issue with me, not my issue with her. Good Riddance.

If she decides to come back to your hang out spot, turn to where you can't see her and enjoy your time.  Nothing worse than having to see someone who doesn't want to see you or worse... .she brings her new guy and then you feel pain.  Have you consider going to another spot for a few weeks, just until things cool down for you?

[Mars22]

Yes of course, there's always the awkwardness of the new guy. I'm sure we will position ourselves accordingly. And I will be needing to learn restraint and not look. And its funny you say that trainwreck. I think i may be not going this Sunday. Give this a couple weeks breath... we'll see.

[Mars22]

I've had time to cool down and regret sending the email...

All I can do now is hope for the best for her... In retrospect, I think I needed to send the email to be able to move on. Sadly, it had to happen but I see the error I made.

I'm going to work towards being a better person about all this. Its been so hard.

Thanks for your advice everybody.

[Moving_On_Up]

Don't be too hard on yourself, Mars22.  I've had more moments of weakness than I'd like to admit.  I'm sure a lot of us have.

[amunt]

Mars22 you really want back a crazy witch?
If you want revenge find a new girl