Trying to stay sane

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So, after a 2.5 year relationship my boyfriend dumped me via email.  I think he's pbd, he once said he may be.  I struggled to understand why, the reasons were that he doesn't 'believe' in me (I don't do things his way) and we/I am toxic.  He barely will communicate. If/when he does he's cold and acts in control.  It's very hurtful ;Very little closure.  I get sad and reach out and I get angry.  He told me that I am abusive.  Basically, my anger isn't tolerated, nor my sadness- he thinks that's manipulative.  He said if I contact him again he will put a restraining order against me. I said they won't grant it- they said they will at least temporarily.

Sure I've been upset and angry but not abusive.  I feel that my self esteem is squashed.  To think someone loves you ... then they hate you is hard to accept.  How do you feel whole again after this? I feel so hurt.

[Triedandblue]

So, after a 2.5 year relationship my boyfriend dumped me via email.  I think he's pbd, he once said he may be.  I struggled to understand why, the reasons were that he doesn't 'believe' in me (I don't do things his way) and we/I am toxic.  He barely will communicate. If/when he does he's cold and acts in control.  It's very hurtful ;Very little closure.  I get sad and reach out and I get angry.  He told me that I am abusive.  Basically, my anger isn't tolerated, nor my sadness- he thinks that's manipulative.  He said if I contact him again he will put a restraining order against me. I said they won't grant it- they said they will at least temporarily.

Sure I've been upset and angry but not abusive.  I feel that my self esteem is squashed.  To think someone loves you ... then they hate you is hard to accept.  How do you feel whole again after this? I feel so hurt.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi Triedandblue-

And welcome to

I'm sorry you're going through that, it's very painful and confusing, although unfortunately it's not unique around here, we've all been there and we understand.

How do you feel whole again after this?

By working through the process of emotional detachment, which includes grieving the loss of the relationship, processing everything you're feeling, learning and growing, and life on the other side will be much, much better.  But first, one day at a time.

Can you tell us some more of your story, and please ask as many questions as you have and we'll do our best to support you.

Here's an article, one of many, that may help right now Surviving a breakup

[SheAskedForaBreak]

I'm so sorry for your loss and to hear of an experience that so closely mirrors my own.  It hurts so badly to just watch someone coldly and calmly walk away after all the I love you and promises made about a future they helped us envision.  Hang in there, we are all here for you.

[Triedandblue]

Thank you, I realize that I need to focus on the future and I have lost loved ones- I understand grief.  I think the hardest part is that I was once confident and secure in myself but I question myself now.  There was so much negativity directed at me, for strange things.  Not having my eyebrows waxed perfectly- . It really confused me and now I need to find my way back.  It leaves me feeling foolish.

[lostnlonelydee]

Hey Triedandblue,

I'm sorry to hear about your experience going through this break up. I can 100% identify with your feelings of your self esteem being crushed. I was also told we are toxic by text message, begged for some sort of closure or even a real discussion after a 3 year r/s, but it was refused. I was crushed further when I later found out about another guy she was supposedly involved with. My anger was also an issue in the r/s, but reflecting back, that anger was there for a reason. I was pushed to the point of tears or screaming on many occasions and I'm sure it was the same for you.

I'm closing in on 4 months out now, and the first 3 seemed like absolute hell some/most days. The biggest obstacle has been getting over the feeling of still loving someone who treated me badly, missing my best friend who suddenly doesn't give a damn, and hanging onto words she said before/during the breakup. Someone told me yesterday, you can love someone and not like them, and that is starting to make sense.

Things that helped me; No contact at all, as in no checking up on social media, get rid of photos/gifts, no reminders, and no reaching out. Reading a lot more about BPD on this site and others, and learning about my own issues in the relationship (not necessarily what she claimed when she was done with me) has helped me find some form of closure. I still miss her, but it does seem to fade just a little bit with every day that goes by. Start writing in a journal if you don't already. Exercise, results after consistent hard work in the gym helps with the self esteem a bit. I also found a therapist I can open up with, although expensive its been worth the money. Accept that you were involved in a 'loaded' relationship, so things may take longer that you expect them to. Be patient with yourself and be kind to yourself. Meet new people, do new things, it can be a nice reminder that you're worth something when random people you don't know want to spend time with you. Also accept that you are going to have bad days... .They can come out of no where, but let yourself feel that pain and let it go when you are ready.

I'm not back to the person I was before her, not by a long way, but I can remember who that person was, and its now a goal to get back to that place. I'm probably not the best person to be giving advice, I'm still injured, but I'm making progress and today is a lot better than it was a month ago. Know that there are lots of people on here that know exactly where you're coming from, so don't be afraid to reach out. You'll make it, don't expect it to happen over night, rushing it doesn't work, but time is the one thing that works if you focus on yourself.

[Triedandblue]

Dee,

Your reply does help.  You're correct, I was so hurt and so angry I acted out of character and that brings me shame.  Shame that my ex was very happy to point out to me.  He made me feel like I was the toxic person, like I wasn't good enough.  I feel that he likely does have anew person. The most difficult thing is feeling totally discarded, like trash.  I've always been able to be friends in some way withprevious ex's but this is the first time I think it's not at all possible-that hurts the most.  I thought of him as my best friend.  I'm sure it gets easier but as of now I'm focused on hating him- very much not like me. I don't know another way.  If I try to be compassionate I start feeling bad for him, his background, then I start wanting to reach out.  I can never ever do that though.  It's difficult.  He has made me so untrusting that I feel paranoid- like he would even infiltrate this site, keep tabs on my phone, etc.  the bottom line is-he really messed me up.  I do appreciate the positive words and for now my focus is on accepting that he never loved me at all. 

[lostnlonelydee]

I definitely HATED mine for a long time... .I will say though that in the long run you'll want to try and let go of that instead of wasting your energy hating which is likely to keep you attached anyhow. I also found myself feeling sorry for her, thinking about her terrible experiences growing up, how she was neglected by her self obsessed ***hole parents. But the truth is we are all responsible for our actions now, blaming the past is just another way she will stay stuck in place. Also it might help to realise that a lot of what he's said to you is likely projection, a screwed up way he's learned to protect himself from looking at his own issues.

I also said to myself "she probably never loved me". But I think she did, in the way that she could, not in a way I deserved though. I wouldn't be surprised if that would apply to your situation too.

[Triedandblue]

I know everything you say is true.  I even realize how the hate will hurt me the most in the end.  When I'm in a good place I can look back and see a bunch of red flags.  When I get past this dark, nasty feeling I will have a better way of protecting myself.  In my future when I see someone snap, or tell of abusive childhood, or be so inflexible I can see it for what it is and run- not even walk - away. I understand the point of life is about learning & growing but at this time I just hate this feeling.  To add to the issue I'm awaiting knee surgery so excersise isn't really an option.

[lostnlonelydee]

You'll get there, so will I That's a pity about the knee, if the dr says you can I'd suggest even a walking routine before your surgery. Outside/Nature = good feelings.