Can someone have a perfect relationship with a "borderline" partner?

[Depression = 72% of members]

I make this POLL because my ex after 6 months is still with the new guy , she called him the perfect man and she called
her the perfect woman.
They are still in honeymoon, plus she is already pregnant and they are alredy engaged.

It work so good and perfect for them. After all maybe some Borderlines can find their perfect match and be happy in a relationship
they just need the "perfect" man for them, good guy with people pleaser character  

[amunt]

I make this POLL because my ex after 6 months is still with the new guy , she called him the perfect man and she called
her the perfect woman.
They are still in honeymoon, plus she is already pregnant and they are alredy engaged.

It work so good and perfect for them. After all maybe some Borderlines can find their perfect match and be happy in a relationship
they just need the "perfect" man for them, good guy with people pleaser character  

[Hlinthewiking]

People pleaser? I did everything she wanted, the how she wanted, the way she wanted and it was still not enough, because she was blaming me for her own problems and projecting on me all the time.

Do you know what it is like to get on your knees in tears and tell her that she's the love of your life and that you would die for her and she would either not even blink and simply don't believe you or she would believe you now, but 5min later tell you she doesn't feel loved and it's your fault.

If a BPD relationship should work it's def not in that way, pleasing them is impossible, I guess the only thing I didn't try is to be an a-hole and use her low self esteem to lean on me.

BPD is not about linear logic, is all about emotions and they usually don't correspond with what happens in reality.

EDIT: I would vote on maybe, but not with the claim of people pleaser. I guess the best way a BPD relationship works is when they give up on blaming others and start fearing loneliness or actually working their issues.

You're ex is still on idealization, things are happening too fast and there's always something new before things could stabilize. Odds are they will crash and burn very hard after all this, specially since it's going so well. The higher you go, the bigger the fall.

[Infern0]

It's possible someone could do a better job than me.

I think that person would have to have a very healthy self esteem, a lot of emotional control, lot of patience, not be needing validation etc.

It's kind of a catch 22 though because that person probably wouldn't get involved with a borderline.

But if they wanted to try I guess someone like that would do better than me.

In the end though, I think the BPD would bring the relationship down.

[heartandwhole]

Hi amunt,

I don't think there is such a thing as a perfect relationship, BPD or not. But I think I understand what you are asking here.

In my understanding, it takes a lot of emotional strength, compassion, and self awareness to be in a relationship with someone with BPD, depending on how extreme the symptoms show up. We have an excellent article on this subject here:

What Does it Take to Be in a Relationship

I wouldn't put too much stock in appearances, generally. I have learned that things are almost always more complicated and different than they seem from the outside.

How do you feel about this, amunt? How are you doing in your detachment?

heartandwhole

[amunt]

I still love her but i dont want her back and i am free now, move on going to dates with girls etc.
I just monitor her situation with the new guy and learn news from mutual friends... .
They will marry soon, this was a move i didnt expected

The new guy is a people pleaser type, very good guy just 21 years old and this is his first relationship ever.
He is focused on her all the time, he dont even go out with his friends anymore... .

p.s.  Bad boys dont work with borderlines, i was bad boy most of the time.
I respected her but i wasnt the people pleaser type and i had my rules in the relationship.

[amunt]

It's possible someone could do a better job than me.

I think that person would have to have a very healthy self esteem, a lot of emotional control, lot of patience, not be needing validation etc.

It's kind of a catch 22 though because that person probably wouldn't get involved with a borderline.

But if they wanted to try I guess someone like that would do better than me.

In the end though, I think the BPD would bring the relationship down.

Bad boys dont work with them for sure, actually doctors claim that Bad Boys (i mean the guys who have rules and not people pleasers) last average 18 months
 and  good guys last as far as 15 years with borderlines.
How much your relationship last with her? Thanks for your help 

[enlighten me]

Never take anything at face value. My exgf was posting lovey dovey things up until a couple of weeks before she split from her last boyfriend. Was posting lovey dovey things for the boyfriend before whilst cheating with her landlord.

Best not to even concern yourself if a relationship appears to be lasting longer. He may be a pushover and accept her behaviour but be miserable.

Eventually the only thing that wins is the dissorder unless they get help for it and stick to it.

[TheRiddler]

Bad boys dont work with them for sure, actually doctors claim that Bad Boys (i mean the guys who have rules and not people pleasers) last average 18 months
 and  good guys last as far as 15 years with borderlines.

I'm curious, where did you hear this?  And since when does having boundaries make you "bad"?

[amunt]

Bad boys dont work with them for sure, actually doctors claim that Bad Boys (i mean the guys who have rules and not people pleasers) last average 18 months
 and  good guys last as far as 15 years with borderlines.

I'm curious, where did you hear this?  And since when does having boundaries make you "bad"?

I read it here in the forum , cant find it right now.
It look bad to them

[fromheeltoheal]

I still love her but i dont want her back and i am free now, move on going to dates with girls etc.
I just monitor her situation with the new guy and learn news from mutual friends... .
They will marry soon, this was a move i didnt expected

Are you really free emotionally amunt?  It's common here to wonder if a "replacement" is doing a better job than we did at being in a relationship with our ex, and folks will look at timelines and compare it to their own, and conclude that the replacement is "better" than they are because the relationship seems to be working longer, at least as viewed from the outside, which doesn't feel good, but it's natural to do that and maybe go back to a place of wondering and self doubt.  

It's helpful at times like that to remember how you were probably considered "perfect" in the beginning too, and also remember the reasons the relationship ended and what behaviors you might have tolerated that were unacceptable, now that you look at it.  And that shifts the focus from the ex to us, what we're going to make it mean, and what we can learn from it.

The new guy is a people pleaser type, very good guy just 21 years old and this is his first relationship ever.
He is focused on her all the time, he dont even go out with his friends anymore... .

p.s.  Bad boys dont work with borderlines, i was bad boy most of the time.
I respected her but i wasnt the people pleaser type and i had my rules in the relationship.

"Bad boy" has a few definitions, but if you read that article heartandwhole linked for you, someone who sets and enforces boundaries, provides routine and structure, and doesn't put up with any crap but is also committed and empathetic is the type of person it takes to be in a successful relationship with a borderline, in fact the borderline appreciates the structure and it can be a soothing environment, for the borderline anyway, it takes an emotionally strong person with realistic expectations for the partner to stay in that.

And knowing that makes you wonder how things will evolve with a young people pleaser who is being isolated from others.  Of course it would be great if it works out and they create a healthy family together, although we've seen this story more than a few times, and as the disorder works through its phases there might just be significant trouble in paradise.

[Pretty Woman]

All the patience, kindness and love in the world won't control a BPD from projecting, gas lighting and leaving you.

I think the only way you could have a successful relationship with a BPD is to be a bonafide mind reader and stay ten steps ahead of them. It's impossible to know all their triggers.

By the time I figured out what BPD was I was already in the devaluation stage. Land of no return.

I agree with the other posters here. We are all different so I may have triggered my ex worse than my replacement, that's totally possible. I'm also not a passive person. I did have strength in areas where others may just cave to her. In many ways I feel like she tried to completely break me (it was a challenge) and realized she couldn't.

She just moved in with my replacement in July, after a year of dating. She was so volatile I couldn't imagine ever living with her. This new person is saving society a lot of grief if it's working for them.

[bus boy]

My NPD/BPD xw knew my replacement for 2 years before they started a r/s. He's freshly divorced. They have been dating for 15 months. He was living with her in no time. I feel she took her time to study him. We were having sex right up until the final ruthless discard. She is in total control, it's her house he lived in. She can the nicest person you ever met but her niceness always has a price tag. If it were a normal r/s I wouldn't be getting the finger, my friend who knows my replacement for years is now getting the finger, xw BF wouldn't be getting involved in things in my sons life that are not the business of the BF. I have no history what so ever of my xw's past, only I was the worse person she ever met. I can't make any reference on her r/s's only that I can see how she is manuplateing her BF so it's probably a matter of time for him to.

[Turkish]

As others have said, it takes a certain type of person to stay in a r/s with a pwBPD. There are also other motives to consider: an alignment of emotional maturity, children, and similar external factors.

We've seen members here who are detaching from 20-30 year marriages. On the Coping and Healing Board, we have many adult children of pwBPD whose parents have been married for decades. Only the children may see the real dynamic in those relationships, it being hidden effectively behind closed doors. Never underestimate someone's ability (nor assume their motivations) of painting the picture of a fairly normal r/s on the outside.

No one except a few close friends knew just how dysfunctional my BPD mother was, not even the CPS guy who eventually caught up to us when I was 13 due to our living situation (I was silent about the abuse as I figured I could endure 5 more years until I was free). My Ex to her now H, Sept 2013: "every day that goes by is one more day that we can be together forever." Sept 2015: her severe depression and regret. She to him in early 2016: "I don't know what I was thinking when I got together with you!" This last month, she finally assaulted him and is lucky she didn't land in jail. He still thinks he is mostly responsible for that. Two months ago, I saw him about two weeks after he ended up cuffed and on the ground by the cops after she called 911 on his brother. He looked none the worse for the wear. Normality.

More power to him. If being in the one-down position means that their marriage lasts, then it is what it is. All I know is that I will never be in a r/s with someone like her again.

[FannyB]

Hi Amunt

If I'd have died 4 months in I would have thought I'd left the love of my life behind and my ex would have been bemoaning the loss of her 'soulmate'.   Fast forward another 4 months and it had all turned to s**t.

The key word is sustainability. If you're wondering if your ex has found the perfect man for her, then check out their status in 10 years time. If you've diagnosed her correctly then the odds are against them still being together.


Fanny

[Pretty Woman]

Fanny is right.

Every partner is the "love of their life". I was told I was "the one" many times only to be left for "the one that got away" her "best friend".

You want to know where that person is now? They got dumped for me and then I got dumped for the new, "Love of my life".

It's an endless fairytale in their minds. That's all it is to them. Prince/Princess Charming changes in each chapter... .but it's the same story... .kinda like watching a movie remade over and over... .

we all know how it ends.

[SoMadSoSad]

I believe there is someone out there for everyone... .even a borderline. My replacement is the perfect example. It won't be a fairytale relationship but they will be together for the long haul and will be generally happy.

[amunt]

I still love her but i dont want her back and i am free now, move on going to dates with girls etc.
I just monitor her situation with the new guy and learn news from mutual friends... .
They will marry soon, this was a move i didnt expected

Are you really free emotionally amunt?  It's common here to wonder if a "replacement" is doing a better job than we did at being in a relationship with our ex, and folks will look at timelines and compare it to their own, and conclude that the replacement is "better" than they are because the relationship seems to be working longer, at least as viewed from the outside, which doesn't feel good, but it's natural to do that and maybe go back to a place of wondering and self doubt.  

It's helpful at times like that to remember how you were probably considered "perfect" in the beginning too, and also remember the reasons the relationship ended and what behaviors you might have tolerated that were unacceptable, now that you look at it.  And that shifts the focus from the ex to us, what we're going to make it mean, and what we can learn from it.

The new guy is a people pleaser type, very good guy just 21 years old and this is his first relationship ever.
He is focused on her all the time, he dont even go out with his friends anymore... .

p.s.  Bad boys dont work with borderlines, i was bad boy most of the time.
I respected her but i wasnt the people pleaser type and i had my rules in the relationship.

"Bad boy" has a few definitions, but if you read that article heartandwhole linked for you, someone who sets and enforces boundaries, provides routine and structure, and doesn't put up with any crap but is also committed and empathetic is the type of person it takes to be in a successful relationship with a borderline, in fact the borderline appreciates the structure and it can be a soothing environment, for the borderline anyway, it takes an emotionally strong person with realistic expectations for the partner to stay in that.

And knowing that makes you wonder how things will evolve with a young people pleaser who is being isolated from others.  Of course it would be great if it works out and they create a healthy family together, although we've seen this story more than a few times, and as the disorder works through its phases there might just be significant trouble in paradise.

"someone who sets and enforces boundaries, provides routine and structure, and doesn't put up with any crap but is also committed and empathetic is the type of person it takes to be in a successful relationship with a borderline"

I was that guy, this didnt work either. I reached the max 18 months with her and boom

[kentavr3]

it depends what you call relationship? I would say about them (Cluster B): 1.never enough. 2. they see every time the shining armor knight. But you are already "BadMan".3 If a new partner can recreate dominating abusive childhood relationship where cluster B person grew up.
But looks like you didn't. It is hard to understand their complicated disorder.
Now about US. We all feel taste and rejection of the intensive relationships. The have extreme taste, but don't last long, because it is a lie. It hurts a lot.

[fromheeltoheal]

"someone who sets and enforces boundaries, provides routine and structure, and doesn't put up with any crap but is also committed and empathetic is the type of person it takes to be in a successful relationship with a borderline"

I was that guy, this didnt work either. I reached the max 18 months with her and boom

That doesn't mean it will work and last, it's just the personality type that can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who exhibits significant traits of the disorder.  You mention she left you for another man after a 2 year relationship amunt; did you see the progression of a relationship with a borderline described here happening?

[amunt]

"We are all different so I may have triggered my ex worse"


You heard this from her? My ex told me exactly that many times,
that i triggered her worse self ... .

Its like all of us had the same ex , its so funny  

[fromheeltoheal]

Where would you say you are in the detachment and grieving process amunt?  Have you looked at the stages of detachment over there --------->

[TheSinister]

Simply speaking the answer is  NO.
It's simple logic you can phrase it backwards like:  a woman who can have a long lasting healthy and happy r/s do not suffer from a disorder named BPD which is a serious illness that one of its main symptoms is not having the ability to have a long lasting /healthy r/s.

It's just part of the whole siren package  a required feature.  

But all this is academic, I can tell you from a 5 years on and off intense r/s with a BPD that it doesn't matter if you are either type of partner it is doomed to crash for one reason or another, If you will do your best to please her need you will get the "I do not have enough space" dynamic and if you will be busy with yourself or at work you will get the " You don't care about me, you have other stuff more important Etc."

It doesn't matter what you do, it doesn't really matter, they can't handle the things that comes with  r/s things  like stability, loyalty, honesty they can't handle the boredom that comes with it as well, so when they will (and they will... .) devalue their partner  they will take his present attitude towards them and turn it against him, You can not escape that faith, otherwise this wasn't a girl with BPD or she just miraculously was cured thanks to a dream new partner with the perfect bag of traits.

One other important thing that should be said here: we can't really choose how we act or what persona to put on in a long term r/s, We are who we are and we can't hide it or act different for a long period of time without perceived as a fraud.

 

[amunt]

Its already 6 months of NC , i can live my own life and plan my future with a new girl.
Thanks to this board i learned that i am lucky to not marry that chick, thanks everyone here

[Hlinthewiking]

Its like all of us had the same ex , its so funny  

I probably woke up my neighbors laughing so loud at this, so true  .

I guess BPDs are like hot potatoes , you want them, but if you hold on for too long you will get badly burnt.

[kentavr3]

extract from a book The Siren's dance:
"I couldn't understand it. Short transplanting myself into her body, what would it ever take fr her to hold me inside of her? she told me that she felt the feeling when we made love, but that the further I moved away from her the duller  the feeling became. I felt that I had given everything I could, and the paradox became clear to me then: The more I gave, the more she wanted because I could never quite give enough. There was always that little bit more. In order to give more I would have to be strong. yet the more I gave, the more pathetic and weak I became. It could never work."
 Can't add anything to this. Such exact words.

[Woods77]

I'm sure we all feel guilt and wonder could I have done a better job, what if, if only... .

But, a relationship isn't a job. The whole point of a relationship is between two people, not one person saving another. It's not meant to be a battlefield.

If your ex is not in any specialised therapy then it is a fact that her relationship will be dysfunctional. Because unless she is working at improving BPD, by its nature it's triggered by a relationship.

It will never be perfect even if she is getting married with kids, sadly these things are impulsive, it's not normal to have kids and get married within 6 months. It's impulsive.

I think we do need to look at our own role in the relationship but not at a 'could I have done more?' but how can I stop this happening again? Like yourself first, be ok being on your own first. Do not rush into any new relationships or if you do find yourself in one, take it very, very slow.

[amunt]

It will never be perfect even if she is getting married with kids, sadly these things are impulsive, it's not normal to have kids and get married within 6 months. It's impulsive.

Hope you are right, but from outside everything look like i was the one to blame

[fromheeltoheal]

Hope you are right, but from outside everything look like i was the one to blame

Because for a borderline it has to.  BPD is a shame-based disorder, so admission of any responsibility would trigger intense feelings of shame that couldn't be soothed, borderlines have a lot of trouble soothing emotions, that are always intense, so making everything someone else's fault is a handy way to deal with it.  The only control we have over it is whether we accept that blame or not; you know the truth amunt, go with that.

[Cleanglass]

You already answered your own question. They are in the honeymoon phase.

I have a friend who's been with her boyfriend for 10 years and they've only just got married last month. They are an extremely happy couple who found no rush in marrying.

6 months is fast. The other guy probably hasn't even seen the other side of your BPD ex yet. Consider yourself lucky if you weren't married to her because marriage isn't just a pretty wedding. It's a legal document. If she's smart enough to cover her tracks (which most of them are) then she'll clean up nicely with this guy.

Or feel sorry for him if they don't break up.

I can't think of anything worse than staying with my ex and they have done half the things I've read on this forum.

[amunt]

Thanks for the answers guys