The xBPDgf that doesn't stop contacting you

[Throw me a bone]

I have posted a few times. I really want to get back with my ex, who is still with my replacement about 8 months now. Anyway, she keeps contacting me. Usually 1-2 times per fortnight. Usually random stuff... .asking for something, attacking me, asking how I'm going, etc. Why does she do it? What are her motives? I just don't get the craziness. She has moved on, she thinks I have moved on, what does she want? Any insight would be appreciated. I never contact her, I reply usually after a day or so but keep it as short as possible and then ignore.

[SheAskedForaBreak]

To maintain some kind of connection.  She isn't sold on the idea of the new guy.  the question you all of the rest of us have to ask is, "Why am I willing to accept this?"  That's where I'm at and it's a difficult question to answer.  Start looking inward before you focus too much attention on her and her need to maintain this attachment.

[True Grenadine]

Hi TMB,
I lean toward SAFBs comments and would suggest looking deeper into yourself ... .Perhaps explore why do you need the connection as well? Ive recentry split with my UBPD GF, I split over her horrific and abusive antics and her lack of dealing with her addiction to opiates... .

For me, I had to go NC and block her... .Every so often I unblock her and find that she still messages me either with hate speech, I love you or I'm mad at you stuff or random things... .I dont contact her back... .I just read her messages,,, get pissed or distant and go back to blocking her... .

I realized that my unblocking to read messages and then blocking was breaking my own rule of NC... .

NC is about the person needing space to heal, in my case it's me... .Not her.

I recommend reading up on co-dependency and NC. This site has some good articles. Also check a shrink for men... .The site is pointing to a male audience but it does provide  some insight on BPD and Narcissists regardless of gender... .

I hope the best and keep communicating with support groups... .

TG

[Throw me a bone]

Thank for the replies. I've figured that it's to maintain a connection and I have read how they can't detach/need the attachment. But to what end? What is the purpose? She was obviously doing this when she was to me and her ex's. But I can't understand the reasons. She never went back to any of her ex's, just kept moving forward to new conquests.

[VitaminC]

Hi Throw me a bone,

I never contact her, I reply usually after a day or so but keep it as short as possible and then ignore.

can you say more about this?  What is the effect on you? Does it give you some kind of hope that you may be able to get back together?

How are you doing in your own detachment - are you trying to detach or sort of waiting to see what will happen? That is a hard place to maintain - the no man's land of not daring to hope but still kind of open to the possibility. Is it something like that for you?

Detachment is a process, as have often been pointed out. It's also an activity. For most of us coming out of the complex relationships we've been in, it's not a natural segue from one way of being to another. Because of the chaotic nature of these relationships, and our own issues that brought us / kept us in those relationships, and the lack of what we normally understand as 'closure', the process can be difficult. But far from impossible, and filled with many great opportunities to get to know our own patterns better.

One of the hallmarks of BPD is a fear of losing an attachment. This might account for your ex's semi-regular messages.  There are different ways to maintain connection with others - and many reasons that we allow, sometimes even encourage, those connections, no matter how unhealthy they might be for us.

Are you more interested in her reasons for keeping the connection, such as it is, or your own openness to it?   Have you looked through the banner on the right here on this page? Which stage of detachment do you think you are at?

[Rayban]

Thank for the replies. I've figured that it's to maintain a connection and I have read how they can't detach/need the attachment. But to what end? What is the purpose? She was obviously doing this when she was to me and her ex's. But I can't understand the reasons. She never went back to any of her ex's, just kept moving forward to new conquests.

Hi TMAB,


I could relate to an ex keeping in contact with her exes. She did it while with me, and now she's trying while being with the replacement.  I must say that some of them smartly dissapeared from her. 

I think its for a variety of reasons including;  keeping an attachment, keep options open, someone there to talk to when lonely. 

I think ultimately they do it because the exes let them. It's an ego boost that exes are still willing to stay in touch. I've also read that pocessiveness is also a key factor.