BPD SPOUSE

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Good morning everyone ,I'm new to this but I been married to my BPD wife for 2 yrs and together 3and a half years.When its good its wonderful but when its bad its a living hell,we are now  separating and I'm feeling real bad right now and I don't why and I'm more concern with her than myself,but in my heart I know this is best and Iknow through all the storms nothing changes it only gets worse and worse, and as a man I feel ashame to have allowed someone  toabuse and belittle me for so long and know its nothing you can do to fix it nothing.I need help what can you recommend? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

[lind67]

Good morning everyone ,I'm new to this but I been married to my BPD wife for 2 yrs and together 3and a half years.When its good its wonderful but when its bad its a living hell,we are now  separating and I'm feeling real bad right now and I don't why and I'm more concern with her than myself,but in my heart I know this is best and Iknow through all the storms nothing changes it only gets worse and worse, and as a man I feel ashame to have allowed someone  toabuse and belittle me for so long and know its nothing you can do to fix it nothing.I need help what can you recommend? I would not wish this on my worst enemy.

[Ceruleanblue]

I just left my BPD husband. You'll read stories on here of people that have spouses that do manage their BPD issues, and some marriages do survive it. I'm always left thinking though that maybe their spouse's BPD isn't as severe, or maybe their partner isn't as mired down in denial, and actually wants a better life for themselves. Both of those, my BPD/NPD husband lacks. I actually think he may be a sociopath. It's that bad.

What I came to realize though was that I couldn't live this way for years. He showed no signs when we were dating. He's fully able to hide his "traits" when he so chooses. To me, this makes his behaviors a choice. Also, if he did just "slip" and have meltdown, wouldn't a good person apologize, or be sorry after? I don't get that part either, making me further realize that he IS this way because he gets something out of it, and because he's choosing to be this way.

I decided I gave it my all, and that this wasn't the deal we struck when we decided to marry. I thought I was getting a laid back, easygoing, slow to anger(in fact, he didn't really show anger prior to our marriage), super communicative, supportive man. What I got was a rage-a-holic, an abuser, a threatener, and negative, moody, bitter man.

I work on having some boundaries, worked on not being codepenent, and finally had the strength to see it for the losing battle it was. I've used the tools here, had tons of therapy, read tons of books, and nothing I ever did made even a small dent in how he treated me, or how unstable he was emotionally.

I'd suggest therapy for YOU. It gave me the strength to leave, and we also saw my therapist for couples therapy(I do not recommend marriage therapy with someone with BPD, unless they have it under control, and can accept some responsibility and not just play the blame game). Therapy for me has been amazing. She tried to get through to him, even offered to see him alone for his anger, but he refused. She said he's "unmotivated" to change, and that there was no more need for us to do couples therapy, but that as long as I'm with him, I'd need therapy.

Also, spend as much time with family and friends as you can. BPDh isolated me, and he didn't want to spend time with MY family, only his. Now that we are separated, I get to see MY family again, and I'm still sickened by his need to carve my family out, but subject me to his hateful daughters that make it clear they don't want me around. I wasn't even invited to things at their house, only BPDh was. I will not miss that craziness.

Family, therapy and this site will get you through this. Lots of us here are in the same boat.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey lind67, Welcome!  You have come to the right place.  Many of us have been down this path before you, so you are not alone.  It's painful, no doubt, and the stress is at times immense.  Nevertheless, you seem to have a handle on your situation.  Many of us guys suffered abuse from our BPD SO's, so don't beat yourself up.  The place to start, I suggest, is by taking care of yourself for a change.

LuckyJim

[VitaminC]

Hi lind67,

to BPD Family. I'm glad you found us and sorry you are going through this. You will find many helpful resources here and many members who are going through or have gone through very similar things and will help with support and understanding.

Have you had a chance to look around at some of the articles and tools available here? A good place to start is in the banner on the right of this page - all the text is clickable and will bring you to more information. The 'Suggested Reading' is also a really good place to start.

Are there children in your relationship? When you say you are separating - are you having to move out or is your wife planning to?  What are the practicalities and how are you approaching that?

... .we are now  separating and I'm feeling real bad right now and I don't why and I'm more concern with her than myself,but in my heart I know this is best

It's natural to feel bad. Why are you more concerned for your wife? In what way? Have you family or friends for support?

Tell us more of your story, lind. We are listening.

[lind67]

Hi lind67,

to BPD Family. I'm glad you found us and sorry you are going through this. You will find many helpful resources here and many members who are going through or have gone through very similar things and will help with support and understanding.

Have you had a chance to look around at some of the articles and tools available here? A good place to start is in the banner on the right of this page - all the text is clickable and will bring you to more information. The 'Suggested Reading' is also a really good place to start.

Are there children in your relationship? When you say you are separating - are you having to move out or is your wife planning to?  What are the practicalities and how are you approaching that?

... .we are now  separating and I'm feeling real bad right now and I don't why and I'm more concern with her than myself,but in my heart I know this is best

It's natural to feel bad. Why are you more concerned for your wife? In what way? Have you family or friends for support?

Tell us more of your story, lind. We are listening.
I'm 48 and she is 51yrs old she is a therapist and she has some family trauma  involving her mom and they don't talk now. I'm still in the house and move out in a few days but while we are at home together she ignores me but when I leave for work the text messages start telling me how everything is my fault and Im a horrible man,loser etc. no kids involved,she is addicted to craiglist casual encounters. Its like I still feel like I can help her and fix her and I need to stay and but I know I have to go cause she has gotten violent and has no insight into her behavior.

[lind67]

Hi lind67,

to BPD Family. I'm glad you found us and sorry you are going through this. You will find many helpful resources here and many members who are going through or have gone through very similar things and will help with support and understanding.

Have you had a chance to look around at some of the articles and tools available here? A good place to start is in the banner on the right of this page - all the text is clickable and will bring you to more information. The 'Suggested Reading' is also a really good place to start.

Are there children in your relationship? When you say you are separating - are you having to move out or is your wife planning to?  What are the practicalities and how are you approaching that?

... .we are now  separating and I'm feeling real bad right now and I don't why and I'm more concern with her than myself,but in my heart I know this is best

It's natural to feel bad. Why are you more concerned for your wife? In what way? Have you family or friends for support?

Tell us more of your story, lind. We are listening.
I'm 48 and she is 51yrs old she is a therapist and she has some family trauma  involving her mom and they don't talk now. I'm still in the house and move out in a few days but while we are at home together she ignores me but when I leave for work the text messages start telling me how everything is my fault and Im a horrible man,loser etc. no kids involved,she is addicted to craiglist casual encounters. Its like I still feel like I can help her and fix her and I need to stay and but I know I have to go cause she has gotten violent and has no insight into her behavior.
Also seeking help for myself with a therapist and also I'm looking for co dependence help for me .

[lind67]

I'm 48 and she is 51yrs old she is a therapist and she has some family trauma  involving her mom and they don't talk now. I'm still in the house and move out in a few days but while we are at home together she ignores me but when I leave for work the text messages start telling me how everything is my fault and Im a horrible man,loser etc. no kids involved,she is addicted to craiglist casual encounters. Its like I still feel like I can help her and fix her and I need to stay and but I know I have to go cause she has gotten violent and has no insight into her behavior.Also seeking help for myself with a therapist and also I'm looking for co dependence help for me

[VitaminC]

Sounds like you are definitely taking steps and trying to identify what has been happening. The feeling of being somehow responsible for someone else and 'fixing' them don't just stop because you remove yourself.

You might find this article helpful at this point:
https://bpdfamily.com/content/codependency-codependent-relationships

What needs did this relationship fill in you, do you think?