Letting her be her...

[formflier]

This post is a bit of a vent... .due to a lot of odd behavior... .nothing abusive, but very confusing.

Being very obvious about only allowing me to kiss her cheek... no lips.  (I've not asked... .)

Being very obvious about not wanting to talk to me, but wanting me to listen to her read a gospel primer to me.  I asked how her day was.  "I don't feel like talking, I just want to read" 

Then for a 5-10 minute car ride it is a steady read out loud from her book.  Kinda like reading "at" me with a odd (harsh) tone.

We did our errand and when getting back in car I tried some more relational talk.  I asked her what part of the book was important to her... .resonated.

"I don't want to be rude... .but I really don't feel like talking."  (cue story time... .)

5-10 minutes of harsh outloud reading on way home.

We get home and she then asks if we can talk.  I say sure... .can I have 3 minutes to scan and email something.  She says sure.  I do that and tell her I'm ready.

Yep... .you guessed it.

She doesn't want to talk.  I pressed a bit and said I was ready... .but not in a hurry.  Could we talk in few minutes.  She said sure.

I'm in her waiting... .and typing.  It's been 15 minutes. 

Whatever... .

FF

[KateCat]

Is your solo appointment with the psychologist today? That's got to be a cause for anxiety in your wife.

So I think you're doing well by letting her be her at this time.

[formflier]

That could be it... .

Normally it is on Tuesday... .this week moved to Thursday because of P's schedule.

So... .we all go in to family dinner and wife is basically talking really loud the entire dinner (or "low yelling".

Well... .I said little... .one of the kids piped up and tried to get a word in edgewise with a loud voice (much lower than mommy's voice).

My wife yelled at the kids about "not having to yell during dinner... ."... .being respectful and all that.

I'm going to steer clear and see if there is anything to validate... .likely this will blow over soon... .whatever "this" is.

FF

[Notwendy]

Well, she is who she is, so you have to let her be her! She can't be anyone else.

I have some family members who are introverts. Sometimes they just have to recharge. They don't want to talk - and so, they need space. I can get into that place too- where I just need to be left alone.

I can imagine, with 8 kids, that getting some space isn't easy. Also consider that your wife spends her days with young children, then comes home to her own family.

Part of getting time to myself is to take a bath. If anyone tried to talk to me during that time, I would be really irritable. My H would take this personally as I think he thought we could have some time together. But for me it was a necessary recharge- I needed to be alone. Then, I would be available to interact with others. Although this hurt his feelings at first- and I don't think he really likes this, he has learned that this alone time is necessary for me.

Your wife's responses seem to be an honest description of her needing some space- she didn't want to talk, didn't want to interact. That is who she is, and there isn't really anything wrong with it. People sometimes need space. She has difficulty modulating emotions, and so perhaps this is how she deals with feeling overwhelmed.

When she gets like this, is there a way to give her some space? Perhaps instead of a restaurant, bring in some take out, so she isn't at the table in a restaurant with everyone. She could eat in her room if she wants, while you eat with the kids.

Also consider, she's at the age where estrogen is dropping. This can affect mood. Even women without BPD struggle with it. Sometimes you just have to stay out of our way 

[ArleighBurke]

I believe one of the suggested techniques is to reflect back to her what you see. So to say: "I'm getting the feeling that you want to be left alone, that perhaps you'd like your own space for while - which is OK. Do I have it right?"

It's labelling HER emotion for her, if she can't identify it herself.

I'm also stuck where you are: in the restaurant when she tells off your kid for talking too loud, do you "let it slide", or do you "address it". I think for too often I let things slide: comments, narky remarks. But i think it'd make things better (over the long term) if I actually had and enforced a boundary over it. Certainly other sites I go on (not for BPD) talk about "commanding respect" by NOT allowing these small episodes of disrespect to go unnoticed. Picking her up on it doesn't need to be a major event, but just something to tell her that it's not OK. I'm not sure how yet... .

[formflier]

The "problem" with bringing up an issue like talking too loud is that if they are very emotional, all they will hear is an accusation.

Many times I will "join in" a correction given to a child and try and "ease" the correction or show how it applies to everyone.

If my wife chooses to then apply that to her own life... .wonderful.  If not... .just as wonderful.  She has made her choice and I have not "accused"

When I say things about "providing" structure and then letting her decide to live in that structure or not... .this would be along the same lines.

Structure would be:  We don't yell at each other inside the house (even when happy).  Or something along the lines of "inside" voices versus "outside" voices.  (I know this sounds "parental"... .remember I have 8 kids).  Kids look to their parents as role models, so if we don't model it... .not likely going to happen.  If we are "teaching" it and then my wife doesn't model it... .that's on her.  If kids ask her uncomfortable questions... .that is up to her to solve.

The tricky part is to ask her about how she models what she teaches.  Best to keep your opinions to yourself and listen to them, listen for things to validate.

There is also wisdom in "picking your battles".  So... .I'm generally against the attitude of "challenge them on every little bit of disrespect" that some other places teach.  For me... .that would be exhausting.

FF