Feeling down after split

[Woods77]

I split with my partner but we still have to live together for a bit. She's getting therapy and she's much better since we split as I guess the main trigger has gone. She's gone from being suicudal to being independent and able to go out on her own again, look after herself.

Meanwhile I'm a wreck. I'm reading a book about codependency and feel i have it but I stopped reading as overall I feel very upset.

I've now got to move house and I don't know where. I had a new job lined up but they pulled out.

 I miss her and have ups and downs, I know we had to split (I did it) and she's doing much better (she tries very hard with therapy, although we split just after started to get better)

I'm so glad she is doing better but I feel incredibly sad at times plus I'm at home with no job. I work part time and now have money worries.

In future do you think if after lots of therapy would it be unwise to try again? I do have a lot of bad memories of suicude attempts, hospitals, doctors, broken objects (never any physical) verbal abuse etc. But I still love her deeply  

[heartandwhole]

Hi Woods77,

I'm sorry that you are feeling down. I can very much relate to your feelings. Breakups like these take so much out of us. I remember feeling really low and apathetic about life after mine. You are not alone. 

With regard to your question about trying again: I think that with lots of therapy (for both partners) and patience and hard work, anything is possible. But I wouldn't recommend making a big decision like that in your current state of mind/heart.

I encourage you to do all you can to feel better about yourself and your own life right now. Grieve the loss of the relationship. Work toward getting your own life in order and then you can see how you feel about things. I know it's easier said than done.

You say you love her deeply. I believe you, and you know, you can love her as much as you do AND know that it's not right for you to be with her.    Can you allow yourself to feel all your feelings without having to act on them?

Hang in there, Woods. Are you also seeing a therapist? It helped me a lot after my breakup.

heartandwhole

[Woods77]

Thanks for your kind words. Yes you're right I do love her but know it's wrong. I want her to be better so I will not suggest getting back. But we are going to stay friends. I'm not sure what will happen in future as we are moving out to separate places.

I do need therapy it seems and I'm trying to pluck up the courage but I need to pay for it really where I live so I'm waiting a bit until more money.

I guess I need to think more for myself. I look into the future and just see loneliness and I'm nearly 40 and think I want a family, I feel that chance has gone now and I'll never have kids. Makes me sad.

[C.Stein]

I split with my partner but we still have to live together for a bit. She's getting therapy and she's much better since we split as I guess the main trigger has gone. She's gone from being suicudal to being independent and able to go out on her own again, look after herself.

The trigger here is likely emotional intimacy.  Once you remove the emotional risk things will appear to "get better".

In future do you think if after lots of therapy would it be unwise to try again?

This is not a question you should be asking yourself at this point IMO.  I know it is hard not to think about the what if but right now you need to be thinking about yourself and what you need to do in order to make yourself whole again.

I do have a lot of bad memories of suicude attempts, hospitals, doctors, broken objects (never any physical) verbal abuse etc. But I still love her deeply  

And what if all these issues return if you were to try again?  How would you handle it?  Could you handle it?

[heartandwhole]

I'm nearly 40 and think I want a family, I feel that chance has gone now and I'll never have kids. Makes me sad.

I hear you, Woods. I feel sad sometimes, too, that the time has passed for me to have children.   I know it doesn't feel like it now, but you DO have time. Life often has so many surprises for us. If you can, try not to project what's happening now into your future. It's important to feel your feelings and let them have some space, but what you are feeling today doesn't have to be what you will be feeling in a year or a month.

Is there one small action you could take today or tomorrow that will bring you some much needed joy or a break from thoughts about your situation, Woods?

heartandwhole

[Woods77]

Thanks everyone.

Right now no I don't think I could handle it again. I guess I need to try concentrate more on me.

I'm gonna go out for a walk to try help.

Thanks for listening and helping everyone