I need a reality check, please

[Hopeful83]

Guys I need to vent and I need a bit of a reality check, please.

Now I want to start this off by saying that on the whole, since this whole nightmare began, I have focused on me and getting myself better. When I think back to this time last year when the break-up first happened I can see the amazing progress I've made. I've learnt to put boundaries in place with people (just yesterday I got the opportunity to test this and I realise I've made massive strides in the right direction). I've learnt how to be my own best friend. I've learnt to handle my emotions better. I've learnt to distinguish between trustworthy people and those whom I should avoid. I've learnt to protect myself. I've dealt with my childhood demons. This is, of course, a work in progress and I'm still working towards bettering myself every single day.

However, I have to say, I have a lot of anger towards my ex, his now wife and his family now. The anger is a new thing - it's like the finality and the magnitude of what they did has dawned and I'm angry.

I try to refocus my attention every time I have thoughts about them onto things that will make my life better, but these last two days I've been struggling somewhat. I made the mistake of looking them up on Facebook the other day (I've only done this twice in a whole year) and seeing his mother all grins and smiles on their wedding day triggered me.

In short, I believe my ex and I broke up because a) he has strong BPD traits and b) his family wanted him to marry someone from his own culture. Within six weeks of me ending it he was engaged to someone else. He got married eight months later. I'm sure if he had a job at that point and was more financially secure they would have got married immediately in order to ensure I would never be in the picture again. This all came, like in many of these cases, out of the blue - just weeks before he was telling me I was the love of his life and he couldn't wait to spend the rest of his life with me. We were planning marriage, kids etc.

The reason I need a reality check is because I keep thinking that they're deliriously happy and that the mother is clearly enjoying the fact she got her own way. I *know* it shouldn't matter regardless, but right now I cannot help but think this way and it angers me further. And my logic tells me that the chances of him being any different with the new wife, and the chances of this being some sort of fairytale are slim. Here's why:

- His rages were the scariest thing I've had to deal with from another person. He would scream, yell in my face, push me down on the bed, swear at me. I don't see how he'll be able to hide this from the wife forever. The issue is deep and he made NO real effort to get help.
- He once slapped me, too. I believe this was just the beginning, however, thankfully we had broken up a few months later. I again believe this won't end here.
- During his rages, he frequently banged himself on the head. On a few occasions he tied a belt around his neck and I had fight with him to loosen the noose. I don't see how being with someone else will change this.
- The man was with me for three years, made endless promises. Told me he loved me every single day, that I was the love of his life, that he couldn't wait to grow old with me. Told my mum he wanted to marry me and I was the love of his life. It took this man just weeks to subsequently get engaged to someone else.
- Not only did it take him only six weeks to get engaged, he sent me a lovely final email in which he said he'd only been with me out of guilt and to prove to himself he could love someone more than this woman he was marrying. Well, I now know this was utter nonsense but it was incredibly painful at the time and it's sad to think he most probably believes most of what he wrote at that time. Now if someone can change their opinion on who the love of their life is over night once, I'm sure they can do it again.
- The man's moods depend on whatever his mother is telling him at the time. If she's happy with him (which never happens) he's happy. If she's disappointed in him (which is frequent) he goes into a depression. He has no sense of self, no backbone. I believe he took a lot of strength from me and part of me wonders where he's getting that now. Probably his mother again. I don't see this dynamic changing unless he finally sees his narc mother for what she is.
- The only thing I know about my replacement is that she broke his heart in school, constantly teased him - and now this is being billed as the love of the century. She had the gall to email me (I've never met this person in my life) back when this all happened to say how sorry she was. She sounded about as emotionally mature as a 12-year-old. Not sure how she'll handle him when his episodes start.
- He got engaged so quickly after we broke up, married not long after - I didn't think this was 'normal' behaviour. He never mourned 'us'... .just slipped into the next relationship and gave me zero regard. Didn't even pay me the money he owes me. Why do I still even mourn the loss of this guy?

Why am I listing this out? Well, it helps me to see that it's a bit illogical for me to think that they have something I should somehow envy. Sure they can post whatever they want on Facebook, can portray whatever they want to the world - but I know the truth, how this is a glorified arranged marriage and that he's unstable. And even if they have pockets of happiness or last, this isn't the type of relationship that would have made me happy in the long run - the guy is ABUSIVE. Why doesn't this register with me once and for all?

It's like some part of me still longs for him, when I know he's a damaged person who was only going to hurt me more the longer it lasted. And then there's that part of me that wonders if I'm the issue and now he's with the one who will help him and fix him and understand him - they're from the same culture after all.

The latter feeling is dissipating, but it's sad that I still somehow believe I've missed out on something and that I was the problem. Even when the list is right here for me to see.

Hopeful

[C.Stein]

I'll ask you the same questions I keep asking myself.

What is unresolved that is keeping you emotionally stuck?

[patientandclear]

The principle of scarcity may be elevating the value of this in your mind. He chose to marry someone else and he broke commitments to you. We could use that to diminish his "worth" or value but weirdly, people often do the reverse and value what they were denied.

It seems worthwhile to see if you can bring yourself to reassess why YOU were considering marriage with someone who treated you that way, before this other woman was ever in the picture. Why didn't you reject HIM?

[Cinlou]

Hopeful,

It's all smoke and mirrors. Please keep in mind what you "see" on FB is not what "is".  You described his rages.  This is a part of his personality and those rages will happen with this new wife.  Guaranteed.  My ex confessed to me later that he was secretly scared for my son and I to move in with him because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to hide his rages from us any longer.  And he was right! 

The rages are HIS problem and you did nothing to provoke or cause them and if they happened with you they will happen with her or any other woman he ends up with for that matter. Everyone can get angry but raging to the extremes your ex did goes beyond normal healthy emotional response.  Please keep this in mind.   

Your ex is now HER problem and guess what if he's not her problem now, it's just a matter of time before he is.  You deserve so much better than this.  You deserve to be loved and cherished.  You are 100% worth it.   You need to keep reminding yourself that every day until you fully believe it. 

[patientandclear]

The principle of scarcity may be elevating the value of this in your mind. He chose to marry someone else and he broke commitments to you. We could use that to diminish his "worth" or value but weirdly, people often do the reverse and value what they were denied.

It seems worthwhile to see if you can bring yourself to reassess why YOU were considering marriage with someone who treated you that way, before this other woman was ever in the picture. Why didn't you reject HIM?

And to be clear--I don't mean this as a critique, but as a re-framing exercise that may make his subsequent choices less impactful on you.

[Hopeful83]

I'll ask you the same questions I keep asking myself.

What is unresolved that is keeping you emotionally stuck?

The injustice and all the unanswered questions. I know now I was lied to about the break-up - what the reasons were, what the motives were. I know it won't change anything, and I know I need to let it go because unless people are willing to be authentic and honest you'll never get any straight answers, but alas it is what it is.

I've started writing my book. I'm hoping it will help in some way.

[Hopeful83]

It seems worthwhile to see if you can bring yourself to reassess why YOU were considering marriage with someone who treated you that way, before this other woman was ever in the picture. Why didn't you reject HIM?

Absolutely and no offence taken at all. I believed I loved him, although I think the underlying issue here is that I didn't believe I could attract anyone else, such was my self-worth. I have worked on this relentlessly since the break-up and funnily enough I started to really get over when I started to recognise this worth and thought to myself - how DARE they do something like that to me?

But I still have days of weakness, I suppose, hence why I feel this way right now.

Although I wasn't perfect, I wasn't abusive. I wasn't rageful. I didn't ruin his peace - if anything he said I brought him it (while he stole mine - the irony isn't lost on me). I know I deserve better, but when I fixate on the fact I'm alone and I miss having someone in my life, I think to them and think of how rosy things may be and it angers me.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

It's all smoke and mirrors. Please keep in mind what you "see" on FB is not what "is".  You described his rages.  This is a part of his personality and those rages will happen with this new wife.  Guaranteed.  My ex confessed to me later that he was secretly scared for my son and I to move in with him because he was afraid he wouldn't be able to hide his rages from us any longer.  And he was right!

Cinlou, thank you. Although logic tells me all this, sometimes it really helps to have someone from the outside remind you of the reality here! This wasn't your average breakup, this wasn't your average relationship, your average guy. So why I think he's walked into the sunset without consequence I do not know. If anything, after this utterly messed up scenario, it wouldn't surprise me if he's now worse.

I hope you and your son didn't have to suffer these rages for long. They're scary as an adult, i hate to think how it is for a child... .

The rages are HIS problem and you did nothing to provoke or cause them and if they happened with you they will happen with her or any other woman he ends up with for that matter. Everyone can get angry but raging to the extremes your ex did goes beyond normal healthy emotional response.  Please keep this in mind.

Yes, this wasn't healthy anger. This was full-blown rage. It was beyond healthy. Beyond any control. And scary. I think back to myself of the amount of times I was in tears because of him and I wonder why I still even think about all of this. It was horrendous, really.

Your ex is now HER problem and guess what if he's not her problem now, it's just a matter of time before he is.  You deserve so much better than this.  You deserve to be loved and cherished.  You are 100% worth it.   You need to keep reminding yourself that every day until you fully believe it. 

Thank you, again. I really need to read all of this and will keep reading it back to myself while I feel this way.

[C.Stein]

The injustice and all the unanswered questions. I know now I was lied to about the break-up - what the reasons were, what the motives were.

It would appear you and I ride in the same boat.  I think another reason for me is being ghosted, deleted, trashed.  The last time I saw my ex she did not even acknowledge we ever had a relationship or that she ever had any feelings for me.  She couldn't even return my hug.  The only thing she did acknowledge was that I was her friend.  No apology, no remorse, no regret for the things she had done that led us to the end ... .nothing.  There was and will never be any "closure" for me, or for you, and this has kept the wound open.  I suppose the lack of response to emails I have sent I can take as acceptance of their truth but it is not closure.

Can you see a way to give yourself some closure?

I know it won't change anything, and I know I need to let it go because unless people are willing to be authentic and honest you'll never get any straight answers, but alas it is what it is.

It sadly won't change anything and you are right.  If one cannot be authentic and honest to oneself how can you ever expect them to be authentic and honest to you?

I've started writing my book. I'm hoping it will help in some way.

I have also started to write the "final chapter" as I approach the time last year when it became clear to me I had been replaced months before being thrown away.  It was on that day when I hit rock bottom, the lowest point of my life, when all the emotions I had been burying for so long came back.  I also hope it will help and that it will truly be the final chapter.