Broke NC. Was surprised we actually spoke

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

I broke NC after four months. Nine months after the discard.

I sent a her a simple email that only asked "Why do you hate me?". Then she TEXTED me her reply. After about an hour of texting, we decided to speak on the phone. While the conversation wasn't great, it wasn't bad either. She did a lot of deflection and lying. It was surreal and strange to finally speak to her after all this time. Especially knowing what I now know about BPD. I felt like I knew when she was lying and when she wasn't. I could pick up on weird cues where she couldn't think of a cover story, so she would just completely avoid the subject. There was A LOT of that. I asked her if she was happy, and she very tamely said yes, but later cried about how 2016 has been terrible and she hates her life. Weird right? I felt like she just couldn't admit to me that she screwed up. She couldn't admit that she really isn't happy after we split up. She couldn't admit that my replacement cheats on her and treats her bad. All because she HAS to be right. She HAS to prove that she 'won'. Even though, she knows she didn't.

I feel like, I feel like I got what I needed out of the conversation. I FINALLY found closure. Or, something close to it. I don't feel depressed or anything like that today. Just weird, like I can't believe we finally spoke. There's a surreal feeling to it all. In the end, I felt like her and I were in a better place than we both had been the past 9 months. Not saying we're gonna be best pals, but that maybe, just maybe the childish games can finally stop. My fingers are crossed on that one.

Heck, I even sent a follow up text today, to make sure her and I were on the same page after last night's discussion. She agreed, wished me a good day and that was that. I deleted her phone number out of my phone, so I don't break contact again.

I feel good today. I finally received the closure I was looking for for nine months. The closure I hope all of us one day finds and I really hope this is the springboard into the next, better chapter of my life.

[Dhand77]

I broke NC after four months. Nine months after the discard.

I sent a her a simple email that only asked "Why do you hate me?". Then she TEXTED me her reply. After about an hour of texting, we decided to speak on the phone. While the conversation wasn't great, it wasn't bad either. She did a lot of deflection and lying. It was surreal and strange to finally speak to her after all this time. Especially knowing what I now know about BPD. I felt like I knew when she was lying and when she wasn't. I could pick up on weird cues where she couldn't think of a cover story, so she would just completely avoid the subject. There was A LOT of that. I asked her if she was happy, and she very tamely said yes, but later cried about how 2016 has been terrible and she hates her life. Weird right? I felt like she just couldn't admit to me that she screwed up. She couldn't admit that she really isn't happy after we split up. She couldn't admit that my replacement cheats on her and treats her bad. All because she HAS to be right. She HAS to prove that she 'won'. Even though, she knows she didn't.

I feel like, I feel like I got what I needed out of the conversation. I FINALLY found closure. Or, something close to it. I don't feel depressed or anything like that today. Just weird, like I can't believe we finally spoke. There's a surreal feeling to it all. In the end, I felt like her and I were in a better place than we both had been the past 9 months. Not saying we're gonna be best pals, but that maybe, just maybe the childish games can finally stop. My fingers are crossed on that one.

Heck, I even sent a follow up text today, to make sure her and I were on the same page after last night's discussion. She agreed, wished me a good day and that was that. I deleted her phone number out of my phone, so I don't break contact again.

I feel good today. I finally received the closure I was looking for for nine months. The closure I hope all of us one day finds and I really hope this is the springboard into the next, better chapter of my life.

[rfriesen]

I feel like, I feel like I got what I needed out of the conversation. I FINALLY found closure.

That's wonderful, Dhand!

Also a good reminder that we shouldn't think of these relationships and our exes in two-dimensional cookie-cutter terms. They're all different and follow different paths, even though there may be many similarities. I'm happy to hear you've found the closure you were looking for.

I don't feel depressed or anything like that today. Just weird, like I can't believe we finally spoke. There's a surreal feeling to it all.

Sounds like you're still processing it. Events can have a surreal feel to them when they don't seem to fit with the rest of our reality, or when the emotions they trigger in us don't fit easily with the rest of our emotional world. You sound surprised by how well the conversation went, so maybe your mind is still trying to reconcile how it actually went with what your expectations (conscious or subconscious) might have been.

In the end, I felt like her and I were in a better place than we both had been the past 9 months. Not saying we're gonna be best pals, but that maybe, just maybe the childish games can finally stop.

Can you say a little more about what you mean by this? What kinds of childish games? Are you hoping to be in contact with your ex moving forward, in a more mature way?

Heck, I even sent a follow up text today, to make sure her and I were on the same page after last night's discussion. She agreed, wished me a good day and that was that. I deleted her phone number out of my phone, so I don't break contact again.

What makes you want to be on the same page as your ex? Is that important to you moving forward? Do you think you'll want to know that you're still on the same page in a week or a month?

I feel good today. I finally received the closure I was looking for for nine months. The closure I hope all of us one day finds and I really hope this is the springboard into the next, better chapter of my life.

Can't ask for much more than that! Keep sharing your progress here

[Mars22]

Ahhh... a happy Ending.

Thank you for sharing. And good luck friend.

[trainwrecked1]

Congrats!  Closure from another person is always a good thing when that is your heart's desire.   

[Dhand77]

Can you say a little more about what you mean by this? What kinds of childish games? Are you hoping to be in contact with your ex moving forward, in a more mature way?

Heck, I even sent a follow up text today, to make sure her and I were on the same page after last night's discussion. She agreed, wished me a good day and that was that. I deleted her phone number out of my phone, so I don't break contact again.

What makes you want to be on the same page as your ex? Is that important to you moving forward? Do you think you'll want to know that you're still on the same page in a week or a month?

We both work in the same building, so a smear campaign soon followed. What I felt at the end of the conversation, was that we both built each other up into monsters in our heads. I made sure to let her know, that from this day forward, it stops. The vilification, the talking crap, the smearing, the acting like immature 12 year olds. The walking 3 blocks out of our way at lunch just to avoid each other. That all can stop. We aren't going to be friends, but we can at least walk by each other not curse each other under our breath and nod hello at one another.

For me, getting to that point, will lead me to the road to indifference. Sure, I miss her, but it certainly doesn't mean I want her back in my life or I ever want to feel the pain I went through again. She made a huge mistake losing me, and while she won't admit it to me, it was there in her words when we spoke. That's validating, in a lot of ways. I was discarded because of an imaginary future where I left her. Discarded and replaced over something imaginary. BPD is truly terrible.

[Anez]

Good stuff, dhand. That's great. How'd it feel at work today?

[Dhand77]

Good stuff, dhand. That's great. How'd it feel at work today?

It's been feeling better than it has been in months. But, I've yet to run into her since we had that conversation AND she deactivated her FB. So, I think something is going on in her head. But that's not my responsibility. I said the things and asked the questions that I waited 9 months for.

I've been seeing someone for about a month now. It's been progressing slowly and organically unlike the super intense start I had with my exBPDgf. I'm glad we had that convo, and that I feel like I can finally put this behind me. But it's sad. Her sense of abandonment legitimately 'killed' us. To hear her talk about this imaginary scenario where I eventually leave, and then talk about it is a fact, is what BPD is all about.

[Anez]

Yup, that is what BPD is all about.

I'm really happy for you, Dhand. I work with mine, as your know, and I know how much of a strain that can put on your day in and day out. I'm a year out from discard and there are definitely still some minor pulls and thoughts - like sometimes i'll see her from across the office and I'll just look at her and remember the times when we were so close and wonder how we are now at a point where we don't ever talk and it's just weird. but it's all a part of the process.

BPD is what it is and there's little we can do about execpt get through it, grow from it, and advance. Sounds like you're doing all of those things. Good for you, sir.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Dhand, Closure is rare so hats off to you.  One of the enigmas about BPD is that they act in ways that bring about the situation they are trying to avoid.  In other words, they do things that bring about the exact opposite of the result that they seek.  Seems strange, but that's my experience.  Anyway, glad you are on a better path.

LuckyJim

[joeramabeme]

One of the enigmas about BPD is that they act in ways that bring about the situation they are trying to avoid.  In other words, they do things that bring about the exact opposite of the result that they seek. 

Haven't heard that in awhile, Amen to that!

Dhand - !Congrats!