Drama and another CPS call

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Ok you guys. Please help keep me sane. I'm pregnant and hormonal and about to hulk out over here.

Today was a total mess. uBPDbm had an extinction burst and is now threatening to withhold visitation this weekend. Oh, and it's (mine and DH's) S's first birthday this weekend, which we told uBPDbm about months ago. So basically she's trying to prevent SD11 from celebrating her brother's birthday.

SD11 has had a few issues with her ears lately. We took her 6 weeks ago to the pediatrician and got medicine for it (swimmers ear). 2 weeks ago she complained her ear hurt but we were out of town. We gave her some home remedies. When we got home, SD11 said it felt better and she didn't want to go to the doctor. Then it was uBPDbm's visitation for 5 days. We saw SD11 again on Monday. We asked if her ear hurt at all at her mom's and she said no. This morning there was liquid draining from her ears.

uBPDbm picked SD11 up from school today. First we got a message saying that we were neglectful because we packed SD11's lunch in a plastic grocery bag instead of a lunch box (we've already sent 3 lunch boxes over to uBPDbm's and only got 1 back). Then uBPDbm started demanding SD11's medical insurance information because of her ears. We said go to the pediatrician, they have it all on file. DH also offered several times to take her. But uBPDbm refused, kept demanding the card and threatening to call CPS for neglect. Well I guess she got everyone so worked up that the nurse called CPS.

And, like I said, uBPDbm is withholding visitation claiming medical neglect and so SD11 will talk to CPS at uBPDbm's apartment.

Ok, if you haven't heard my many many complaints, we are currently in year two of a CE. DH and I are going to sit down and draft a letter to the psychologist. Any suggestions on what to write?

[Thunderstruck]

Ok you guys. Please help keep me sane. I'm pregnant and hormonal and about to hulk out over here.

Today was a total mess. uBPDbm had an extinction burst and is now threatening to withhold visitation this weekend. Oh, and it's (mine and DH's) S's first birthday this weekend, which we told uBPDbm about months ago. So basically she's trying to prevent SD11 from celebrating her brother's birthday.

SD11 has had a few issues with her ears lately. We took her 6 weeks ago to the pediatrician and got medicine for it (swimmers ear). 2 weeks ago she complained her ear hurt but we were out of town. We gave her some home remedies. When we got home, SD11 said it felt better and she didn't want to go to the doctor. Then it was uBPDbm's visitation for 5 days. We saw SD11 again on Monday. We asked if her ear hurt at all at her mom's and she said no. This morning there was liquid draining from her ears.

uBPDbm picked SD11 up from school today. First we got a message saying that we were neglectful because we packed SD11's lunch in a plastic grocery bag instead of a lunch box (we've already sent 3 lunch boxes over to uBPDbm's and only got 1 back). Then uBPDbm started demanding SD11's medical insurance information because of her ears. We said go to the pediatrician, they have it all on file. DH also offered several times to take her. But uBPDbm refused, kept demanding the card and threatening to call CPS for neglect. Well I guess she got everyone so worked up that the nurse called CPS.

And, like I said, uBPDbm is withholding visitation claiming medical neglect and so SD11 will talk to CPS at uBPDbm's apartment.

Ok, if you haven't heard my many many complaints, we are currently in year two of a CE. DH and I are going to sit down and draft a letter to the psychologist. Any suggestions on what to write?

[david]

I put my kids lunch in a grocery bag all the time. I told them it was because it is more ecological because we are using the bag twice. They thought it was a great idea. I've been doing that for at least three years now.

I guess you can just state the facts in chronological order.

My take is she is angry about S's first birthday and is doing whatever she can to be a part of it. My ex has ruined our son's birthdays several times. I had three protection orders filed against me and two were because of her meltdowns on one of our boys birthdays.

[sanemom]

My first thought was "why did you tell her about the birthday?"  LOL... .I know, we keep thinking we can coparent like rational people, but it isn't gonna happen.

I am so done with your CE--I guess just write it in chronological order (the offers to take her to the doc, etc.).  What a mess.

[david]

sanemom makes a good point, you really don't need to give so much information. My ex finds out what the boys and I did only if they tell her and that is usually after the fact. I volunteer nothing. It does make things easier since it gives less ammo to ex to cause chaos.
I get emails from their mom about all kinds of things I don't need to know. I don't reply or do anything about it. I view it as her way of trying to engage.

[Thunderstruck]

My first thought was "why did you tell her about the birthday?"  LOL... .I know, we keep thinking we can coparent like rational people, but it isn't gonna happen.

I am so done with your CE--I guess just write it in chronological order (the offers to take her to the doc, etc.).  What a mess.

Well... .
1) I guarantee you 100% that regardless of whether we told her or not, she knew. S's birthday is on a Saturday which falls on our visitation weekend. Yeah, no doubt as to when the party will be here. SD knew it was S's birthday. Plus uBPDbm likes to play stalker detective. She knew.
2) If we are upfront about our plans then we can say she is intentionally being malicious. If we try to hide it and they get ruined anyway (see #1 above) then uBPDbm can just say "Ohhhhh I didn't know... ." and it's on us.
3) Our temp order states that we need uBPDbm's or the court's permission to leave the state (our celebration this weekend is out of state). However, neither sides have been following this rule. We have been giving "Notice of trip"s whenever we leave the state.

[Thunderstruck]

We sent a loong email to the CE spelling out what had happened and highlighting that we attempted to propose solutions to the problem (of uBPDbm losing the insurance card) but being met with demands and threats. We told the CE that we believe this to be intentional, as the last big flare up also happened before we were due to take a trip out of state (to see DH's dying father). The last one resulted in uBPDbm keeping SD and preventing us from going on the trip. We are hoping that by sending this email out today (CC'ing our L and uBPDbm) that she will back down from her threats and follow through with visitation. We'll see. The last time this happened we sent an email and had SD in hand two hours later (after two days of withheld visitation).

In any case, I hope this reignites the fire under the CE because HELLO! We are still here and having major issues that can't be resolved because our hands are tied waiting for you!

[david]

Sounds like your plan is solid. Hopefully, sending it out to several parties gives uBPDm time to change her mind.

[Ulysses]

Hi Thunderstruck,

I'm sorry to hear about the issues you're facing, especially since you're pregnant.  You sound really stressed about your SD's mother's behavior.  I have a couple of thoughts I wanted to share with you.

First, I remember some emotional swings during certain times in my pregnancies (a few caused by interactions with my now exH, to be sure, but others caused by things that normally I could handle in stride).  I want to encourage you to consider that the most important thing right now is your health (physical and mental).  While your S's BD party and your SD's attendance is also important, I think it pales in comparison to your health right now.  Are you practicing extra self-care (I know, not easy with a baby and a pre-teen and all the other things you're dealing with)?

We talk about radical acceptance frequently on this site.  I'm sure you've had to accept a lot of truths about your SD's mother and the conflict-filled relationship between your H and his exwife.  It also sounds like you're familiar with her patterns of behavior and can at least predict a couple of possible outcomes.  Personally I find this helps me - it takes away some of the stress when I can think about possible outcomes based on exH's past behavior.  Even if I don't like the outcome, I can prepare myself to deal with it.  And it helps me to remind myself that accepting his limitations is healthier on my body (heart rate, blood pressure) than wishing he were different (constantly working on that, actually). 

Regarding the ear infection, those can come on suddenly, as most doctors know.  I hope she's feeling better.  Having a sick child can be stressful, especially when so much is out of our control as parents, for instance when we send our children to the other parent's house.  Of course the ear problems aren't anyone's fault, I just mean that this added bit of stress sounds difficult for the mother to handle (and obviously can be twisted by her to be used against her exH).

Regarding the insurance card, how many times has the mother lost the insurance card?  If it's only once or twice, perhaps your husband can get a replacement.  While it's more work for him, certainly it's not unusual for people to lose things, and that might go a ways toward reducing conflict.  Maybe the mother can photocopy the card if she tends to lose things, or your husband can scan her a copy of his card?

3) Our temp order states that we need uBPDbm's or the court's permission to leave the state (our celebration this weekend is out of state). However, neither sides have been following this rule. We have been giving "Notice of trip"s whenever we leave the state.

Is this something that your husband and ex-wife have tacitly agreed on?  Or is it something that can come back to bite you?  I'm sorry if I missed an earlier discussion about this particular point.

Take care of yourself, and give lots of love to your little one as he hits this milestone of one year!

[Thunderstruck]

First, I remember some emotional swings during certain times in my pregnancies (a few caused by interactions with my now exH, to be sure, but others caused by things that normally I could handle in stride).  I want to encourage you to consider that the most important thing right now is your health (physical and mental).  While your S's BD party and your SD's attendance is also important, I think it pales in comparison to your health right now.  Are you practicing extra self-care (I know, not easy with a baby and a pre-teen and all the other things you're dealing with)?

Thank you for your concern! Yes, our lives are very hectic. I wish I could get outside and walk more, but I live near a zika prone area and I'm too afraid to go outside! Eek! S is my happy. He is such a sweet little nugget.   And I am soaking in all the positive moments with SD that we can get. She is doing amazing this year in school and we are just so proud of her.

As you mentioned, I have had to just come to the point of "radical acceptance". We cannot control what uBPDbm will do (they were never married, btw   we can only control ourselves and try not to make things worse. My mantra very often is "uBPDbm is going to do what she is going to do no matter what we say anyway". All we can do is accept that our plans might not always work out perfectly, but this behavior is putting us right where we want to be... .on the path from 50/50 to primary (we currently have 50/50 in the temp order, seeking primary pending this CE).  
 

Regarding the ear infection, those can come on suddenly, as most doctors know.  I hope she's feeling better.  Having a sick child can be stressful, especially when so much is out of our control as parents, for instance when we send our children to the other parent's house.  Of course the ear problems aren't anyone's fault, I just mean that this added bit of stress sounds difficult for the mother to handle (and obviously can be twisted by her to be used against her exH).

Regarding the insurance card, how many times has the mother lost the insurance card?  If it's only once or twice, perhaps your husband can get a replacement.  While it's more work for him, certainly it's not unusual for people to lose things, and that might go a ways toward reducing conflict.  Maybe the mother can photocopy the card if she tends to lose things, or your husband can scan her a copy of his card?

I'm feeling very guilty about the ear infection... .I feel like we let SD down. I think we acted appropriately for the situation, but I am sick to think of uBPDbm making a small ear infection (if that's what it even was, we haven't received any information) and overblowing into a medical neglect scenario. That must be so scary for SD. And it's hard for us to gauge exactly how severe the situation is.

We (DH, me, S, SD) are all on my insurance, so I can go get her another card. I guess yesterday was the first time uBPDbm has tried to use it so up until then we had no idea she had lost it (she hasn't taken SD to a doctor's appointment in two years). Ok, there. I requested her a new card. Easy peasy.

3) Our temp order states that we need uBPDbm's or the court's permission to leave the state (our celebration this weekend is out of state). However, neither sides have been following this rule. We have been giving "Notice of trip"s whenever we leave the state.

Is this something that your husband and ex-wife have tacitly agreed on?  Or is it something that can come back to bite you?  I'm sorry if I missed an earlier discussion about this particular point.

Ooo tacitly, good word! Yes I suppose it has tacitly been agreed on. I believe this provision was added to the temp CO to deter parents from fleeing with children during a custody dispute (parental kidnapping). However our temp CO has been in place for two years and asking permission is just not practical. We have been out of the state probably a dozen times with SD and have never once asked permission (we just notify uBPDbm of the trip a few days prior). uBPDbm has left the state with SD once and did not ask our permission either.

[HopefulDad]

Threaten to file a contempt of court charge if the visitation order is not honored.  Then follow through should she violate the order.

I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to ignoring the custody order.

[david]

My ex "lost" our boys insurance card several times. I finally scanned it and sent it via email. Front and back. I told her she could take the scan and save it on her smart phone. This way she will always have it. She never asked for a card after that. When I get a new one I send her a card and also another scan.

HopefulDad has a good idea. My ex was always afraid of contempt changes. It only happened three or four times. I think she got it after that.

Our oldest was sick a few years back and I sent ex an email explaining he was ill, all his symptoms, and that he was in bed. I told her if he didn't feel better the next day I was going to make a doc appointment in the morning and email her the time. I was supposed to drop him off at her place that day but didn't. She threatened me with a contempt charge. I replied by repeating everything again. I received a call from the police a few hours later asking me what was going on. I explained everything to him. He understood and just suggested I keep her informed. I would have done that anyway. She never showed up at the doc appointment. I really wanted her to file a contempt charge for that incident but she knew better. I would have loved to hear the judge yell at her for being a complete a** especially since she didn't show up at the doc appointment. On top of it all, ex is a registered nurse. I found the entire incident amusing. I would not have been able to do that the first few years.

The only thing that bothers me now is what she is doing to our boys. They see what is going on and they are getting pushed further and further away by her own actions.

[Thunderstruck]

The threat of contempt has been made. uBPDbm is still withholding visitation. She is emboldened by the CPS investigation (she feels like DH is going to get in trouble).
Funny thing is... .

CPS stopped by and spoke with DH yesterday. They said they do not see any findings for medical neglect. They believe the root of the issue is an inability to coparent. The CPS investigator said that she believes that SD11 was being coached because hers and uBPDbm's answers matched verbatim. Oh, and apparently this is our 8th CPS investigation (one more punch on the card and the 10th one is free!). 10 is actually considered high risk. SD11 is going to have to see a medical team since the allegation is medical neglect, but I am thinking she won't be speaking to nurse-types but a child psychologist instead. The investigator said that she may be mandating services which would include a therapist to come to the school and meet with SD11 (yessssssss!).

DH talked to the CE's office yesterday. They said the report was finished   BUT the CE will want to include these new developments into her report. I'm guessing she will want to wait until the CPS investigation is completed so this will be yet another 3 month delay... .  

[ForeverDad]

Actually, this is not "year two of a CE", it's year three since two full years have passed.

I'm thinking she demanded the insurance card so she could take SD to an urgent care or hospital emergency room, anywhere as long as not the pediatrician's office so personnel would be unfamiliar with the history of parenting conflict and might log mother's history claims as facts.

I too would have recommended:

• Inform her that you would file for "Contempt of Court" if she failed to make the exchange.  Current medical issue does not merit ignoring the parenting schedule.
• If she does not show up or allow access at the exchange location within a reasonable time window — my court in the past has listed a half hour exchange window before a person was considered late — then call the police in an attempt to either obtain compliance or document her failure to exchange.  Make sure the officer files a report or record of the failure or noncompliance so you can obtain it later for documentation in court.

• Let Go of the emotions of having a failed exchange and sabotaged weekend.  It is what it is, you did what you could.

• First thing Monday morning have lawyer file Contempt of Court motion in court.  This case has been limping along for two years.  If mother doesn't know what constitutes valid basis to ignore the court ordered parenting schedule by now, then court needs to have that brought to its attention.

[flourdust]

DH talked to the CE's office yesterday. They said the report was finished   BUT the CE will want to include these new developments into her report. I'm guessing she will want to wait until the CPS investigation is completed so this will be yet another 3 month delay... .  

If I were you, I would just demand the report at this time. With continuing unmanaged engagement with DH's ex, there will always be "new developments." There will probably be new developments by the time the CE is finished including the current developments in her report. And so on.

This, of course, makes the assumption that the CE is telling the truth that the report is finished.

Seriously, I know you guys have been afraid to piss off this CE, but at this point, what do you have to lose? If you don't like the report, your lawyer can argue that it's a) ancient news and b) created so unprofessionally as to be useless. The flip side is that the other side's attorney can argue the same thing.

[HopefulDad]

The threat of contempt has been made. uBPDbm is still withholding visitation. She is emboldened by the CPS investigation (she feels like DH is going to get in trouble).
Funny thing is... .

CPS stopped by and spoke with DH yesterday. They said they do not see any findings for medical neglect. They believe the root of the issue is an inability to coparent. ... .

On the bolded: Good!  Now follow through.

On the italicized: Of course she's emboldened.  She genuinely thinks there is merit to her claim and that the judge will agree with her.  It's part of her disordered thought process.  As misguided as she is, she really does think she's doing what's in the best interest of her child.

On the underlined: This is good.  So when you have the contempt of court hearing, it's important to point out that her poor judgment in reading a situation is no basis to violate a court order.  Hammer this point home.  The judge will more than likely agree with you.  And while you're at it, ask the court to sanction her for your legal fees for this contempt charge.

[Ulysses]

Thunderstruck,

I think Forever Dad has some really sound advice about letting go of the emotions, but following through with the consequences (e.g. filing for contempt on Monday).  It's like working with a child. 

About 18 months ago my lawyer told my ex's lawyer that if he made any further medical appointments without letting me know (per our parenting plan), she would file for contempt.  I didn't even know what that was, or that it was an option.  He stopped doing it.  I hope it's that easy for you this time.

Regarding the ear infection (or whatever it is), don't beat yourself up about it.  If you made a mistake about it, mistakes happen.

Sounds like her actions with CPS might backfire if they are saying they think it's a case of inability to coparent.  Can you get that in writing/confirm via email with the person you spoke with that they said that?

Sorry to hear about the Zika warning - just one more stress you don't need.

[Thunderstruck]

I spent awhile thinking about the contempt motion... .I know that uBPDbm will try to say she was just trying to protect SD11. I found a way to phrase our complaint to take the wind out of those sails. uBPDbm withheld medical information. We should have been given it so we could have consulted with the diagnosing physician and/or her pediatrician. Then we could have made the decision to postpone our trip or trade weekends. That decision was made unilaterally by uBPDbm.

DH got a response from the CE this morning: "Thank you both for the updates. I will review and include relevant information in the evaluation report. No additional information is needed unless specifically requested."

[Nope]

DH got a response from the CE this morning: "Thank you both for the updates. I will review and include relevant information in the evaluation report. No additional information is needed unless specifically requested."

My take on translating this: She is actually done. She gets it. If you keep giving her more information you'll slow your own process because it can be argued later that she did not consider all information that she was given if you keep telling her new things and she doesn't specifically address what you are now saying in her report. I'd direct the L to have her release the report. You may find it isn't even worth having the contempt fight and instead throwing all of your energy into getting a date and preparing for a full custody hearing. But you won't know what direction to take until you have a copy of the report in your hand.

[Thunderstruck]

My take on translating this: She is actually done. She gets it. If you keep giving her more information you'll slow your own process because it can be argued later that she did not consider all information that she was given if you keep telling her new things and she doesn't specifically address what you are now saying in her report. I'd direct the L to have her release the report. You may find it isn't even worth having the contempt fight and instead throwing all of your energy into getting a date and preparing for a full custody hearing. But you won't know what direction to take until you have a copy of the report in your hand.

I'm thinking the same thing.

We just got off the phone with our L. He spoke with the CE who said these new developments will not change her opinions, but she does need a few days to incorporate the fact that she received these documents into her report. L is confident we will have the report within a week.

We are going to go ahead and file the motion for contempt but hold off on a hearing. When we receive the report, if it is strongly enough in our favor then we will use everything together to file for an emergency/expedited hearing to change custody (prior to having to go through mediation/trial/etc).

[bravhart1]

All this over an ear infection?

Please see from an outsiders point of view, that it's not like SD was screaming in pain pleading for a DR and you and DH told her to sit down and shut up. Where is the abuse?

She called CPS over a minor ear infection of AN 11 YEAR OLD! It's not like she can't speak for herself. (Insert Eye roll emoji here)
This to me is abuse of a system that was designed to intercede for minors placed in abusive situations in which the reporter feels it has no power to intercede. She had all the opportunity to call you and you are reasonable people, as well as take her D to the dr. If she needed to. Where is the "harm" she needed help from CPS with?

I think the CE is using this as further excuse to delay a report, but who knows. I hope for your sake she does it.

Take care of that baby, both of them and know that SD's mom is BS.

[ForeverDad]

One would also expect D11 is of a maturity that she can reach out to the school nurse, school health aid and/or the school counselor.  It's not like she was locked in the basement for a week.