How do you think this email would be read by my wife

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

So, there is something that my wife is really anxious about.  Likely it has to do with legal matters and her "switching sides" when she contacted "the other side". 

Lately, whenever we try to discuss things... .she brings up the trial (which is likely NOT to happen... .but another story).  Usually it's in a blaming way as in blaming me for the situation.  I've been taking a break (leaving) conversations when this happens with the promise that I will return later and continue on the original subject.  Also that if there is a need to discuss legal matters we can do that separately.

FF


Below is what I sent:


It would mean a lot to me, if you would only bring up a potential trail (or any other aspect of our legal situation) only when we are on the subject of talking about that particular legal issue.  Mixing issues (trial and dental in this case) is very confusing to me and makes it hard to concentrate on the issue at hand (dental scheduling). 

I realize that you may be fine switching subjects, but understand that I am not.  I would see this as a huge act of service to me and demonstration of love if you could respect my desires about legal discussions.

Love,

FF

[formflier]

So, there is something that my wife is really anxious about.  Likely it has to do with legal matters and her "switching sides" when she contacted "the other side". 

Lately, whenever we try to discuss things... .she brings up the trial (which is likely NOT to happen... .but another story).  Usually it's in a blaming way as in blaming me for the situation.  I've been taking a break (leaving) conversations when this happens with the promise that I will return later and continue on the original subject.  Also that if there is a need to discuss legal matters we can do that separately.

FF


Below is what I sent:


It would mean a lot to me, if you would only bring up a potential trail (or any other aspect of our legal situation) only when we are on the subject of talking about that particular legal issue.  Mixing issues (trial and dental in this case) is very confusing to me and makes it hard to concentrate on the issue at hand (dental scheduling). 

I realize that you may be fine switching subjects, but understand that I am not.  I would see this as a huge act of service to me and demonstration of love if you could respect my desires about legal discussions.

Love,

FF

[KateCat]

I think I probably don't understand in what way your wife is a party to this lawsuit. . . . Is it at all possible simply to decline to discuss the legal action with her from this point on, or is her active participation a component of the action?

[byfaith]

Hey FF,

IMO you have presented your case in a very diplomatic way, not shutting her down as far as discussing the legal issues. You just prefer to not mingle the discussion with other topics.

Hopefully when she reads it she is in a state of mind that will allow her to understand where you are coming from.

To answer your question, I would hope she views it as you not shutting her out but asking her to be be sensitive to your view point.

As we know these things can go either way

BF

[formflier]

I think I probably don't understand in what way your wife is a party to this lawsuit. . . . Is it at all possible simply to decline to discuss the legal action with her from this point on, or is her active participation a component of the action?

She is not involved... .at all.  Zip zero nada.

She involved herself by calling several parties on the other side and asking a bunch of questions and giving them some whacky information.  Basically... .she thought I was lying... .my attorney was lying (about what we still don't know) and so in her moment of stress... .she decided the best course of action was to call the people that "really know"

She does blame me for the situation. 

So... .the most recent context where she "inserted" it in a blaming way was by saying that I "had to" change a bunch of dental appointments because she was saving the days off for the trial. 

The subject that was contentious was dental appointments... .she was making various claims... .I was lost and trying to catch up.

FF

[KateCat]

Got mentally ill, sabotaging spouse? Got lawsuit?  Not so unusual when you share your life with an individual who tends inevitably to be an "adverse party."

I suppose if I were flailing about in this position, I might try to reassure my family member that only about 5% of civil suits actually go to trial. But even then . . . it's not hard to have sympathy with your wife's present anxieties. She knows what's up. She knows she's implicated. And her questions about whether the psychologist can testify in court are a good indication.

It's too bad that the court case is happening at this time. I hope it's not the thing that drives your wife away from sessions with the psychologist. And I feel it's a fine thing that you are demonstrating as much calm at this time as you possibly can.

[formflier]

I have call into lawyer.

My goal is to be able to have lawyer call and be on speakerphone during tomorrow's session with the P and my wife... with me there.

What I believe he can say is that there is about zero chance of my wife being asked... .let alone being "forced" to testify... .or testify "against me"... .or "for me".  She's not involved.

Also want him to mention that there is no chance of P being forced to testify, to be followed by and understanding by all that P sessions are able stabilizing the family with no fear of any of it being dragged into court.

Or something like that... .

The legal case is a bit complicated... .there is potential that "my side" may file several actions or contest certain issues.  In my wildest dreams... .I have no idea how my wife could get pulled into this.

Sigh...

I should shop this for a book contract... .I mean... .you can't make this stuff up.

FF

[KateCat]

Are you meeting solo with the psychologist today? So that you can discuss this first?

This is tough stuff.

[formflier]

 
Solo meeting yesterday.  Phone call done with lawyer and then quick phone call with P to make sure we are all on same page.

Good news... .L has no idea how wife or P would ever get involved even if someone was trying to get them involved.

He will be able to clearly articulate that there is no pathway for either of them via state law.

Plus... .neither of them have any conceivable information that would be relevant.

FF

[Fian]

FF in regards to your letter.  I don't see it being received well by her.  I don't think your letter explained well enough why you can't talk about dental and the lawsuit at the same time.  It seems the real trigger here is that she is blaming you for the lawsuit, and choosing various ways to "dig" at you by working it into other conversations.  If the real issue is the blaming, then I think the letter should be rewritten with that in mind.

To put this another way, is it fair to say that when she brings up the lawsuit, it prevents the discussion on dental, because you feel you have to shift your focus to defend on the lawsuit accusation (or leave if the conversation gets heated)?

[formflier]

Yes... .I feel blamed as she will twist information.

I do not defend I enforce my boundary to not mix issues and participate in blame.

FF