He's contacted me again. I feel ill

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I found what I was looking for, and a bit more. Correspondence between him and his ex girlfriend with her telling him never to contact her again or she will call the police/his employer and that he needs the help of a psychiatrist.

Hi Larmoyant.

Contact with our exes is difficult, but it is an opportunity for us to build up our strength and gain confidence in ourselves.

I was struck by the quote above and I have a quick question for you:
What does the above say about who your ex is and how he operates/behaves with women?


Love
Lifewriter x

Hi Lifewriter, sorry it's me again. I just wanted to try to answer this question again. I think it indicates that he is abusive to women. She wrote this to him as he’d threatened her. She’d confided in him and he used it against her and threatened to expose her and she reacted by writing that to him. She was right. I’ve been on the receiving end of his threats too and remember being scared of what he was capable of just like she must have been. He is an abuser, but I struggle with my feelings for him when he’s nicer/kinder, I also struggle with compassion for him because of his personality disorder, and that maybe if I'd known more at the time I could have changed the outcome somehow, but I suspect not. I’ve seen him struggle and it makes me sad for him. I’m a bundle of conflicting feelings right now.

[Larmoyant]

I found what I was looking for, and a bit more. Correspondence between him and his ex girlfriend with her telling him never to contact her again or she will call the police/his employer and that he needs the help of a psychiatrist.

Hi Larmoyant.

Contact with our exes is difficult, but it is an opportunity for us to build up our strength and gain confidence in ourselves.

I was struck by the quote above and I have a quick question for you:
What does the above say about who your ex is and how he operates/behaves with women?


Love
Lifewriter x

Hi Lifewriter, sorry it's me again. I just wanted to try to answer this question again. I think it indicates that he is abusive to women. She wrote this to him as he’d threatened her. She’d confided in him and he used it against her and threatened to expose her and she reacted by writing that to him. She was right. I’ve been on the receiving end of his threats too and remember being scared of what he was capable of just like she must have been. He is an abuser, but I struggle with my feelings for him when he’s nicer/kinder, I also struggle with compassion for him because of his personality disorder, and that maybe if I'd known more at the time I could have changed the outcome somehow, but I suspect not. I’ve seen him struggle and it makes me sad for him. I’m a bundle of conflicting feelings right now.

[Stripey77]

Hi Lar - so do I, every day, but the sadness starts easing and you just have GOT to fill your time with as much as you can. That's what I'm doing. I am about 95% sure he'll talk to me again at some point, which is what I want rather than being totally ignored... .but in the meantime I am living my life as fully as possible. I've started a new pursuit that is taking up a lot of thinking time/air space, I work, I have a little craft hobby/business, I've started a new weight training regime at the gym, I go out and socialise as much as possible. Life has got  to go on. Slowly but surely, the brain space that was dedicated to thinking about this horror all day long - the pain of being cut off yet again, the ghosting -is being filled with other things. And this is all I can suggest you do too.

 

[Larmoyant]

You got that text about 12 hours ago, so how's it going?  How's your mindset this morning?  Have you found ground to put your feet on again?  And how can you use this experience?  What, if anything, do you need to do differently to manage your detachment, on the way to the empowered life you intend on living?  What if everything happens for a reason and it serves us?

FHTH, thank you for these questions. They have helped to balance my thoughts. I’ve had time to collect myself, and have found ground again.

I feel frustrated that he got to accuse me of sending and deleting nasty emails. It is an outright hurtful lie, said to either get my attention and/or maybe, and this is highly probable, he actually believes it. There is nothing I can do about his warped beliefs. I know the truth and unlike the past I no longer need to try to prove myself to a mentally disordered person.

I am content that I stated clearly and simply that I did not send or delete any nasty emails, that I was insecure in the relationship for good reason, likewise I was often anguished for good reason and that I have never blamed his innocent girls for anything.

I am fine that we talked about his arm and that I was caring about it. This is the person I am and I want to continue to be that person.

My compassion for him and need to understand seems to be stronger then my frustration/anger. This gets me into trouble. I’ve seen him sit there, holding his head in genuine puzzlement and sorrow.  I remember him looking incredibly vulnerable.Those moments were of course in between monstrous rages and devaluation, but I saw the struggle and pain and it is as real as his rages were, likewise the moments of love and kindness. It must be a very painful way to live. It is difficult for me to reconcile all of this.

So I asked myself what could be behind the compassion other than genuinely feeling terribly sad for him. There is a thought and a regret at the back of my mind that maybe I could have done better. That I could have been like the people on the other boards who are practising validation techniques, etc, to help the pwBPD. Except, I’m not able to be with someone who consistently keeps triggering my own issues and purposely, or so it seems, hurts me to the extent that my life is in ruins.

I am back to some sort of equilibrium. Hurting but dealing with it, taking it moment by moment. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I've read them all over and taken something from each one.

Stripey, thank you for your kindness and good advice. I'm sorry that you are hurting. Sorry for everyone here who is hurting. I’ve spent the day weeding and gardening which I’ve never done before to stay busy and focused pushing through the painful feelings and my garden is looking lovely. Although I've possibly pulled out flowers instead of weeds and vice versa, but still it looks nice!

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Lifewriter, sorry it's me again. I just wanted to try to answer this question again. I think it indicates that he is abusive to women... .He is an abuser, but I struggle with my feelings for him when he’s nicer/kinder, I also struggle with compassion for him because of his personality disorder, and that maybe if I'd known more at the time I could have changed the outcome somehow, but I suspect not. I’ve seen him struggle and it makes me sad for him. I’m a bundle of conflicting feelings right now.

Hi Larmoyant.

There's no need to apologise. We're here to support each other. I'm glad you took time to answer my question again. I was hoping that you would be able to see that your ex abuses women, not just you. Having said that, I completely understand you feeling as you do. Your heart is broken.

I've been attending a programme for abused women for the last few months. One of the things that I have learnt is that abusive men deliberately pepper their interactions with kindness, because, quite frankly, no woman is stupid enough to put up with someone who is always brutal. The kindness is how they trap us into the relationship, it is part of the pattern of abuse, part of the tactics for maintaining control. It is not the 'real him'. Note, that the compassion you feel for him is likely something he is consciously manipulating in you too. Mine admitted that he manipulates using his own weakness as a bargaining chip.

The bad news is that the likelihood of him being released into being the loving person you so miss is absolutely minute. I know you want the miracle, we all do. Most of us here want to get our significant others into therapy thinking that will improve our relationships enough to enable us to stay, but mine had over 2 years of therapy behind him but he still treated me badly when I didn't do what he wanted me to do. He learnt to talk the talk, but all that did was give him cleverer ways to be abusive towards me. You'll find his type (Mr Sensitive) in "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lundy Bancroft.

There's a couple of things I want to mention. No doubt others will chip in if I have got any of this wrong. However, it is my understanding that people with an actual diagnosis of BPD (rather than those who are subclinical) generally have psychosis not just relationship difficulties. Their sense of reality is impaired. The psychosis comes and goes. I believe drugs can help if the pwBPD is sufficiently self aware to know they have psychosis and is also able to self-regulate enough to take their medication. Mine never bothered with drugs, thought he was okay and didn't need them. But, he would mention seeing things that weren't there and he would have full on conversations with people when he was alone in a room. You have repeatedly posted here wanting clarification on what your fella meant by something he texted you because it made no actual sense. I suspect that's psychosis (check out 'word salad'.

When someone is in a state of psychosis, anything can happen. The psychosis is what makes an abusive man with BPD potentially one of the most dangerous and unpredictable men there are. It also makes them the least likely of all abusive men to be able to change (and very few men who go through good abuser programmes make any significant changes for the better). Please have a look at the posts of Cloudten. Her fella was working on himself, in therapy etc. She debated getting back together with him in her first ever post here:

Tonight, we are supposed to go to dinner and discuss getting back together. I am completely on the fence. I want a mature, secure relationship. I think he has grown and changed - but I do not think that he is capable of a mature relationship.  I do not believe he is capable of caring about someone more than himself. And I do not think he is capable of receiving love and relaxing and being emotionally comfortable in a relationship.

This is the outcome of the decision she made to get back together with him:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284408.msg12682713#msg12682713

However, she is now doing very well, without him. There is hope. You will not always be in such pain and such conflict. Larmoyant, please listen to your instincts. Allow yourself to grieve. Find support in the real world as well as the virtual world.

Love Lifewriter x

[fromheeltoheal]

FHTH, thank you for these questions. They have helped to balance my thoughts. I’ve had time to collect myself, and have found ground again.

I am back to some sort of equilibrium. Hurting but dealing with it, taking it moment by moment. Thank you to everyone who responded to my post. I've read them all over and taken something from each one.

Nice L!  And notice, it only took you a little over 2 days to get back to that, that's quick and good for you!  And if you continue the work you're doing, if you were to become triggered again, you'll get back to you even more quickly next time.  It's a process, and you likely see the progress too?

So I asked myself what could be behind the compassion other than genuinely feeling terribly sad for him. There is a thought and a regret at the back of my mind that maybe I could have done better. That I could have been like the people on the other boards who are practising validation techniques, etc, to help the pwBPD. Except, I’m not able to be with someone who consistently keeps triggering my own issues and purposely, or so it seems, hurts me to the extent that my life is in ruins.

Looking under the compassion for more is good introspection, and you've likely noticed that wondering if we could have done better, a little bit of self blame, is common around here, the what-ifs and if-onlys, appropriate for someone we're all-in emotionally with and want the best for, but unfortunately depleting when that someone has a personality disorder.  Your conclusion that you're not able, and don't want to be, in that is rational and centered.

[Sadly]

Well done Lar and thank you. Sometimes I come here to give and sometimes to take and always to read and learn. Today I came to take strength, I am crushed and lonely beyond measure right now. You gave me some strength so I give you my thanks.
Love from Sadly. x

[Dontknow88]

Hi amunt, I called it off 8 months ago, but he kept contacting me up until a month ago when he wrote to tell me that he has moved on. So I haven't heard from him for a month and thought he'd finally gone this time.

I'm wondering whether or not to respond. Not to defend myself. No point, but in an effort to perhaps get some sort of closure. I'm not sure. Confused.

Hello, sorry that you have to deal with this. I would leave it alone only answer if you want to be more confused and in more unreal "drama". No point to defend yourself. I've read somewhere that BPD people always want a connection good or bad, sadly he's trying to get the bad cause he knows good is far gone. Try your best not to answer

[strong9]

Hi amunt, I called it off 8 months ago, but he kept contacting me up until a month ago when he wrote to tell me that he has moved on. So I haven't heard from him for a month and thought he'd finally gone this time.

I'm wondering whether or not to respond. Not to defend myself. No point, but in an effort to perhaps get some sort of closure. I'm not sure. Confused.

Hello, sorry that you have to deal with this. I would leave it alone only answer if you want to be more confused and in more unreal "drama". No point to defend yourself. I've read somewhere that BPD people always want a connection good or bad, sadly he's trying to get the bad cause he knows good is far gone. Try your best not to answer

I echo this. My uBPDxw did some terrible things and then defended them by making up stuff about me. I took the high road and all got revealed.  Now she reaches out to try to have good contact (as the poor, sad and lonely victim) without any accountability (or even acknowledgment) for the past. The temerity never ceases to amaze me.

Try to look at it that way. Complete irrationality and drama. If you can step outside yourself and see the folly of it, it may help keep you strong.

[Dontknow88]

Hi amunt, I called it off 8 months ago, but he kept contacting me up until a month ago when he wrote to tell me that he has moved on. So I haven't heard from him for a month and thought he'd finally gone this time.

I'm wondering whether or not to respond. Not to defend myself. No point, but in an effort to perhaps get some sort of closure. I'm not sure. Confused.

Hello, sorry that you have to deal with this. I would leave it alone only answer if you want to be more confused and in more unreal "drama". No point to defend yourself. I've read somewhere that BPD people always want a connection good or bad, sadly he's trying to get the bad cause he knows good is far gone. Try your best not to answer

I echo this. My uBPDxw did some terrible things and then defended them by making up stuff about me. I took the high road and all got revealed.  Now she reaches out to try to have good contact (as the poor, sad and lonely victim) without any accountability (or even acknowledgment) for the past. The temerity never ceases to amaze me.

Try to look at it that way. Complete irrationality and drama. If you can step outside yourself and see the folly of it, it may help keep you strong.

Strong9 is right. My Bpdx told me just bad horrible things about his Ex (that left him) with what he put me threw I now see that she had a lot to deal with And  just had to leave the pointless drama and now she's in a happy long term marriage and he isn't. Trust us after a while people will see what's really going on madness!.

I know that sick feeling, it's horrible. Continue to do research and take it easy, you know you deserve better so let's focus on that!

[Larmoyant]

Just like to say thanks for your responses and I'm so grateful for having found this place. I dread to think what mess I'd be in if I hadn't found it.

Sadly, I hope you're ok? I often wonder how you are.

Lifewriter, I'm still scared to go back out into the world so it's difficult to seek real world support, but I did go out last Sunday and have invited some people over this week for lunch. I sound insane, but really this relationship has truly crushed me. So many losses, so much confusion, but I'm changing things now. Small step by small step.

LW, I'm interested in understanding the paranoia. His sense of reality was impaired and I’ve wondered how this fits in with BPD? He was very paranoid and I believe it may have something to do with intense fear of abandonment? He would ‘hear’ people say things, e.g. we were passing by a group of men once and he said he overheard them say they couldn’t talk to me because I had my boyfriend with me. He interrogated me about it, but I’d never seen those people before in my life.

He also saw phone numbers suddenly flashing on my phone even if the phone was off. One time he was renovating his house and asked a workman to help him move his oven into place, then suddenly called me into another room, closed the door and asked me if the man had been simulating sex (to attract me!) whilst pushing the oven. A couple of times he woke in the night and I heard him talking to himself in the hallway, and woke up once to find him rummaging through my bag. I still don’t know what he was looking for. Once, he went to the shops, but instead went around the back. I looked up to find him glaring at me from the garden window, scared me witless. I still don’t know what was going through his mind.

I wasn’t scared most of the time just concerned and tried to reassure him. I think one of the most hurtful memories I have, that is hard to get my head around, was waking up finding a pillow lodged between us, he then touched my foot and withdrew it as if he’d received an electric shock. This was after a lovely, intimate evening. Maybe that was fear of engulfment. It’s all so baffling and painful to recall.

I'm realising and accepting more and more that he is unwell. Makes me feel incredibly sad for him. I need to balance this sadness with memories of all the bad times, focus on my issues and how his behaviours triggered them, leading me to put up with terrible abuse. I think I'm starting to do that now, finding a true balance between my compassion and need for self-preservation.

[Sadly]

Hi Lar
Am where you are my friend, lost, devastated and learning.
Mine too had intense paranoia at times. I learnt to live my life in perpetual awareness of what might trigger it and avoidance tactics but sometimes like yours it just came out of the blue. I found this site over a year ago when researching paranoia, that's when everything fell into place. I wish I could deal with my emotions, that is the thing blocking my progress. I too have laid in bed and had the toe touch thing, it hurts so much doesn't it   . My latest heartbreak also came after a lovely weekend. It often does. They fear that genuine love and closeness. There is another recent post on here about them allowing us to see their vulnerability. Mine didn't often, only under influence of drugs. But when I do see it it's like a window to his confusion and sadness, no pretend, no play acting, it breaks my heart. That is what has kept me coming back for more. This time I threw him out. I am desperately trying to focus on compassion for me too. Let us try and be strong together.   x

[Larmoyant]

This time I threw him out. I am desperately trying to focus on compassion for me too. Let us try and be strong together.   x

Sadly, yes, let's be strong together. It's time to have compassion for ourselves. Put ourselves first. We can do it   

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Larmoyant.

Well done to you for the steps you are making towards building your own life. Sometimes, it can feel difficult to do anything at all, so beginning to socialise is real progress. However, don't spend so much time looking at the struggles that remain to be conquered that you forget to count the mountains already climbed. And you don't seem insane to me either, more cautious, hurt, vulnerable... .and there's no surprise there given your experiences.

I had a look on the UK NHS website and it says that one of the four categories of symptoms associated with BPD is cognitive or perceptual distortions, such as having brief or prolonged episodes of strange experiences like hearing voices outside your head (hallucinations) and distressing beliefs that no one can talk you out of, such as believing your family are secretly trying to kill you (ie paranoia).

I'm uncertain how delusions and hallucinations manifest, but it would make sense if they were generated by the brain in accordance with the person's worst fears or traumatic experiences. My ex often 'saw' spiders around him. His father used to taunt him with them. If the brain does generate relevant hallucinations and delusions, that would make make sense of the experiences you witnessed your ex having. Unfortunately for both of you, he was hearing those voices and seeing those phone numbers, but since he was psychotic at the time, no amount of reassurance on your part would make any difference. Your ex is very unwell. I know it's heartbreaking to see someone you love so ill. I know you want to help him. I've been there. It turns out neither of us has that power.

I'm not sure if this answers your question, but clearly you have had some scary and unnerving experiences with your ex. I found that I only accepted that my ex was very unwell during our last recycle, when I knew enough about BPD and Schema Therapy to be able to monitor the changes in his personna. It was bizarre to hear him having a conversation with a non-existent person in my kitchen and to watch his utter helplessness when he needed money. He had no idea how to go about getting it. He literally didn't know there was such a thing as cash points, he was that divorced from reality.

Thank God we are not suffering the way they are.

Love Lifewriter x