Where I am in detachment

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi all,

I made it one week without checking my BPD ex's facebook but did today. I'll think about what prompted me to check, and also check in on what it teaches me about where I am in my detachment (thanks heeltoheal for prompting us to check on that).

First, some numbers. It's been 3 months since we broke up and about 6 weeks since she imposed NC. She only broke it once a few weeks ago, briefly, to let me know that she wanted to return my lawn mower. I was out of town and responded with a quick short message back which she didn't reply to. She got into a new relationship quickly after our break up (two weeks or so?) and moved in with her in early August (coinciding with her going NC). I haven't been in our town so that has probably facilitated us not being in contact, though perhaps she wouldn't have contacted me anyway. I've been good about not contacting her directly, though I still struggle not to check her facebook (and have done so probably once a week or so). In general I'm doing much better-- sleeping and eating better, the intrusive thoughts about the trainwreck of our breakup are still there but much reduced, and also slowly getting back to work. The other thing going on with me is that I'm helping my very sick (probably dying) mother so that's a big emotional load too.

Anyway, so in terms of my thinking. My T asked me to think about what the content of my intrusive thoughts are... .they might point to what I'm having trouble integrating about the experience. It's hard to catch them to give them a name, but I think this comes close:

* Some of them are thoughts in which I am talking to her, mad at how she treated me. These mostly come in phrases like "you were reckless with yourself and reckless with me" and also ones that are more direct like "I hate you" or "I don't like you" or "it was a nightmare."

* Some of them are thinking about what she is doing, what things are going on in her town and if she is enjoying them (e.g. full moon, music festival, etc). In particular I'm thinking about if she is enjoying them with her new partner (I feel bad that I don't want her to be   

Anyway, it is these latter thoughts that prompted me to check her facebook. Sure enough, she posted a very happy looking picture with her new girlfriend saying that she was "feeling happy" and going to a bar and then "home, sweet sweet home." My mind rolled into high gear, taking up this information from this post:

* they've lived together for 6 weeks and have been together for 3 months and they sure do seem happy. Is this still the honeymoon period? Or are they going to have a much better time of it then we did?
* she's drinking still

I think I can get used to her new reality but my mind is definitely still attached. I wonder if thinking about her in a new happy relationship and trying to imagine them with loving kindness (faking it til I make it) will help me detach.

[kc sunshine]

Hi all,

I made it one week without checking my BPD ex's facebook but did today. I'll think about what prompted me to check, and also check in on what it teaches me about where I am in my detachment (thanks heeltoheal for prompting us to check on that).

First, some numbers. It's been 3 months since we broke up and about 6 weeks since she imposed NC. She only broke it once a few weeks ago, briefly, to let me know that she wanted to return my lawn mower. I was out of town and responded with a quick short message back which she didn't reply to. She got into a new relationship quickly after our break up (two weeks or so?) and moved in with her in early August (coinciding with her going NC). I haven't been in our town so that has probably facilitated us not being in contact, though perhaps she wouldn't have contacted me anyway. I've been good about not contacting her directly, though I still struggle not to check her facebook (and have done so probably once a week or so). In general I'm doing much better-- sleeping and eating better, the intrusive thoughts about the trainwreck of our breakup are still there but much reduced, and also slowly getting back to work. The other thing going on with me is that I'm helping my very sick (probably dying) mother so that's a big emotional load too.

Anyway, so in terms of my thinking. My T asked me to think about what the content of my intrusive thoughts are... .they might point to what I'm having trouble integrating about the experience. It's hard to catch them to give them a name, but I think this comes close:

* Some of them are thoughts in which I am talking to her, mad at how she treated me. These mostly come in phrases like "you were reckless with yourself and reckless with me" and also ones that are more direct like "I hate you" or "I don't like you" or "it was a nightmare."

* Some of them are thinking about what she is doing, what things are going on in her town and if she is enjoying them (e.g. full moon, music festival, etc). In particular I'm thinking about if she is enjoying them with her new partner (I feel bad that I don't want her to be   

Anyway, it is these latter thoughts that prompted me to check her facebook. Sure enough, she posted a very happy looking picture with her new girlfriend saying that she was "feeling happy" and going to a bar and then "home, sweet sweet home." My mind rolled into high gear, taking up this information from this post:

* they've lived together for 6 weeks and have been together for 3 months and they sure do seem happy. Is this still the honeymoon period? Or are they going to have a much better time of it then we did?
* she's drinking still

I think I can get used to her new reality but my mind is definitely still attached. I wonder if thinking about her in a new happy relationship and trying to imagine them with loving kindness (faking it til I make it) will help me detach.

[kc sunshine]

Now I'm resisting the urge to look again (the thoughts that are tempting me to do so are "you already looked, might as well look again )). Instead I'm going to get out of the house.

Oh man, what an uphill road it is.

How long were your honeymoon phases with your exes? For those that lived with them, did you have a "move in" honeymoon phase?

[UnforgivenII]

It will end. It does not matter how long it takes. It depends on how much of a doormat is the replacement.

[JerryRG]

For what it's worth, my exgf has been with her bf for about 10 months now. He's been in jail for "beating her" kicked out numerous times, broken into her apartment building just to get to her front door to beg her to let him in. (I know several people who live in the same building).

She don't wear the engagement ring, claims she lost it, ah yeah, he's lost his apartment, I'm thinking he's going broke trying to please her and her unemployment.

He was kicked out of sister in laws house for being abusive, (they fight 10 times worse than we ever did, her words not mine)

Yep, trouble in paradise and her typical behaviours will drive any sane man completely mad and they will leave. Any sane man would give her 10 min then run the other way. So her bf nor I were healthy to begin with.

She's tried the recycle thing 4 times, triangulating and all that. I basically told her I wouldn't spit on her if she were on fire. (Boundery)

I also told her I gave her many chances to get help and get well and she's still right where I left her last fall. She made this mess and I'm done trying to help her.

[JerryRG]

Self love and self respect  kc sunshine

Nothing good comes from spying on the exes. I did it right after we split and I have this stupid photographic memory so every picture is still there in my head.

It's all fake anyway, my exgf is miserable and is the same as she always was, perhaps worse.

It used to be simple aches and pains and now it's life threatening illnesses, she's ramping it up. Her pastor told me last week, if she had a tiny fraction of the pretend illnesses she would have died a long time ago.

Yet she continues to sell it to us? With a straight face.

[kc sunshine]

Thanks so much gang. So hard to imagine them living together and at the same time I feel so bad for not being at peace with their happiness. Double whammy.

In addition to being focused on my own life and being really present for it, I'll know I'm detached when I can be really happy for her happinesses. Not there yet on either front.

[JerryRG]

Self love, don't force yourself to be anywhere other than where you're at. We all heal differently and at our own pace. Each relationship was similar but not identical and we all have some foo things and for me I'm learning my parents were extremly narcissist. I have a lot of healing from that as well.

I try to take the best care of myself I can, love myself, enjoy doing things I like.

There's so many reasons to be our best, once we heal we attract healthy people. It does work.

Just takes time

[kc sunshine]

That sounds hopeful JerryRG, and what a good Rx.

Right now the after effects of snooping aren't good: their picture is in my mind and my self-thoughts aren't very positive (she's bounced back so well and is doing so well and I'm... .not). Ugh.

Also, I'm back to running through in my mind how I could have prevented the breakup. Dang.

[JerryRG]

I'm going to write a pros and cons list today, last time I did this there was one entry under "pros" and I could write for hours on the cons of being with my ex just one more time.

It's easy for me to forget the past and my special ability to live in denial combine to keep myself stuck in the past, there's always things we could have done better, but would it really make any difference? My exgf just changed the rules and moved the goal line so it was a no win situation, she's just too sick to even realize how sick she is, I certainly didn't know how sick I was and how much worse I had become being with her.

My family said they didn't even recognize me anymore, I wasn't the person they always knew.

I almost died and there were times I begged to die, that does not make any sense and completely contrary to what life is all about, we are not put on this planet to suffer.

I became incrementally more and more sick and like a good friend pointed out, we don't realize just how bad things are until we start feeling better, then we look at the situation clearly and make choices based on reality, I still love my exgf, god knows why, I just wanted her to be happy and it almost cost me my life. I'm not God, I cannot save her, I will not try anymore.

She has to find her own way, or die, only 1 in 10 addicts recover and though it's a sad statistic I can't change it. My choice it to live sober, happy, joyous and free. Once I tasted the freedom of peace I wont go back for good, I may visit but I'm never making that my home again.

[lostnlonelydee]

I wrote in another thread about NC and fb, and I'm by no means healed, but going FULL NC, as in having nothing to remind me of her, no snooping on social media, nothing at all, definitely has helped a lot in my experience. It was really difficult in the beginning, but you will get there. I closed up my fb profile so only friends can see it, and told myself "she's not looking at your profile, so stop looking at hers".

As I say, I'm not fully healed, I'm still having bad days and thoughts 4 months after it happened, still very hurt by being betrayed by my best friend and lover (can't use the word partner, because she wasn't). Still angry at times, but I'd bet you anything I'd be in a much worse place right now if I was still checking her fb/insta, looking for clues to the truth, seeing her trying to get validation from her gang of social media fluffers who want a go at getting in her pants. Slowly but surely she's less and less in my head, I spend less and less time thinking about how I screwed up, and what if that and what if this... .

I guess everyone is different, but I'd still be fixated on her if I hadn't made the decision to cut her out completely. Its sad, I miss her terribly at times and wish I'd hear from her, but I do feel hope again that I can recover and become who I was before she drained my soul... .I doubt I would have had the space in my head to start processing this crap if I could still see her face when I opened fb. Truth is I could go and search her name this second and see it, but knowing that I've developed the strength to resist that urge is empowering

[kc sunshine]

Yes, facebook has definitely been a nemesis in the detachment process. I wish I could block her without defriending her.

I wrote in another thread about NC and fb, and I'm by no means healed, but going FULL NC, as in having nothing to remind me of her, no snooping on social media, nothing at all, definitely has helped a lot in my experience. It was really difficult in the beginning, but you will get there. I closed up my fb profile so only friends can see it, and told myself "she's not looking at your profile, so stop looking at hers".

As I say, I'm not fully healed, I'm still having bad days and thoughts 4 months after it happened, still very hurt by being betrayed by my best friend and lover (can't use the word partner, because she wasn't). Still angry at times, but I'd bet you anything I'd be in a much worse place right now if I was still checking her fb/insta, looking for clues to the truth, seeing her trying to get validation from her gang of social media fluffers who want a go at getting in her pants. Slowly but surely she's less and less in my head, I spend less and less time thinking about how I screwed up, and what if that and what if this... .

I guess everyone is different, but I'd still be fixated on her if I hadn't made the decision to cut her out completely. Its sad, I miss her terribly at times and wish I'd hear from her, but I do feel hope again that I can recover and become who I was before she drained my soul... .I doubt I would have had the space in my head to start processing this crap if I could still see her face when I opened fb. Truth is I could go and search her name this second and see it, but knowing that I've developed the strength to resist that urge is empowering

[schwing]

Hi KC Sunshine,

* Some of them are thoughts in which I am talking to her, mad at how she treated me. These mostly come in phrases like "you were reckless with yourself and reckless with me" and also ones that are more direct like "I hate you" or "I don't like you" or "it was a nightmare."

Consider that the manner in which your BPD relationship ended, you may still be processing the abandonment trauma. From Susan Anderson's book The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, there are five stages of healing (similar to the five stages of grief... .a process which you are also likely to be going through).

(1) Shattering - this stage speaks for itself
(2) Withdrawal (like a drug)
(3) Internalizing (your anger)
(4) Rage (externalizing your anger)
(5) Lifting

The acronym is SWIRL.

Seems to me that when you have thoughts of expressing your anger towards your ex, this is an example of you externalizing your anger.

The motivation is that you want your pain heard and validated (which we do here).  But you want it to be heard by your ex - which I'm sorry to say, she is probably unlikely (and unable) to do. Her "memory" of how things ended in the relationship is vastly different from your memory.

And I think it is a good process to find healthy ways to express this anger.  The anger doesn't need to be expressed to her for it to be expressed.

* Some of them are thinking about what she is doing, what things are going on in her town and if she is enjoying them (e.g. full moon, music festival, etc). In particular I'm thinking about if she is enjoying them with her new partner (I feel bad that I don't want her to be  

Considering how much time and energy we put our minds onto our BPD loved ones during the relationship, it is no wonder why in the aftermath, we are still in the habit of doing so.  Also, I found that after my BPD relationship ended, I spent a lot of time thinking about my BPD ex as a means of avoiding to face my own immediate pain and feelings.

When you find yourself pondering over what she might be doing, see if you can quiet your mind sufficiently to see if there is not some other feeling/emotion that is a catalyst for these thoughts.

Are you angry about what she might be doing?
Does it feel unfair that she seems to be moving on with her life so easily, yet you are still in the process of detachment?
Are you questioning your own process? Do you feel defective because you cannot move on so easily as she seems to be able to do?

* they've lived together for 6 weeks and have been together for 3 months and they sure do seem happy. Is this still the honeymoon period? Or are they going to have a much better time of it then we did?  
* she's drinking still  

I could answer this question, but I don't think any information about how your ex might be doing with your replacement will serve you in any way.

But I will say that unless you believe that she can spontaneously cure herself of BPD (which she cannot), it is only a matter a time before her disordered behaviors will kick in. Her borderline behaviors are directly related to the level of intimacy and familiarity she develops with your replacement (or anyone). So the longer she spends with the replacement, the more she will go through her process (again).

And it also means the less familiar she is with your replacement, the less disordered feelings she needs to deal with -- this is how the "honeymoon" stage is even possible.

Then again, how long did she repeat the cycle with you? She may only go through one recycle with your replacement. Or she may go through more than she did with you.

How long did it take before you started posting your troubles onto facebook?  :)id you ever?  Chances are none of the bad things will be posted on facebook.  :)on't bother looking.

I think I can get used to her new reality but my mind is definitely still attached. I wonder if thinking about her in a new happy relationship and trying to imagine them with loving kindness (faking it til I make it) will help me detach.

You do not need to "get used to her new reality." You need to get her reality completely out of your consciousness. I wonder if perhaps you are having trouble with the "withdrawal" stage?

I don't think imagining her in a happy stage will help you detach because it will mean that she could have been happy with you and this sounds more like bargaining.

I think *accepting* that she has this disorder, will motivate you to no longer get on the roller coaster ride because the ride does not change, only the passengers do.

Best wishes,

Schwing

[Sadly]

I have closed my Facebook account. I really truly don't want to see or hear anything. I don't like social media anyway, I find it intrusive and time wasting to the extreme. Of course I miss keeping up with family members etc, we are all scattered around the country so that part was nice but to be honest I don't miss the rest of it. X