Need help and support to get through dysregulation

[Lily_Stargazer]

Hi all, 

I've been in a relationship with a man for 7 years, and I strongly believe he has BPD.  When things are good, they are great.  But unfortunately, in times of stress and conflict, he gets dysregulated, pushes me away, and gives me the silent treatment/paints me black. 

We went through a really bad spell about 4 years ago, after an explosive argument about something really dumb.  He was severely dysregulated, did not speak to me for 2 months (even though we were living in the same house), and after 2 months of sleeping on the couch, he said he just wanted to be roommates.  So we did the roommate thing for a while, and then gradually rebuilt a friendship and a relationship.  He didn't want to talk about the issues or go for therapy - said he didn't want to dredge up the past - so we just sort of forgave and forgot and moved forward.

We moved to a new state 2 years ago, and I thought it would be a great new beginning.  It was, at first.  I was finishing up school and planning to start a business, and he had started a new job.  Unfortunately, a lot of things have not gone as expected.  We've had financial struggles, I was in a car accident (which I am still recovering from), he developed neck issues (multiple herniations causing him severe pain), and my mom passed away.  (All in the span of a year, yes, it's been a lot to handle!)  He was convinced he would be pulled out of work for neck surgery, so we were very stressed about how we would pay our bills.  We both need to contribute financially to get the bills paid, I can't afford to support us on my own.  He did find out he's not a candidate for surgery and was told he has to "live with the pain" so that has been very difficult for him.

We were both out of work for a while this past winter, which caused a lot of stress between us, and I know I haven't handled things in the best way - I've had a lot to deal with with losing my mom, spending time with my dad in Chicago, and dealing with my own physical issues.  I know I need to work on my own issues with anxiety, as being calm is essential both for my own physical recovery and for effectively dealing with him. 

Over the past several months, with everything going on, stress and tension has been building, and he became verbally abusive in the spring.  I went back to work, which I thought he would be happy about, but every time he talked to me, it was to snap and me or yell/rage about something.  He blamed his severe neck pain.  (Meanwhile, he talks to his friends online when he is playing video games, and sounds perfectly fine - is he putting on an act for them?) 

All of this stress eventually culminated in him pushing me away a couple months ago and saying he wanted to break up and just be roommates.  So, essentially a repeat of what happened 4 years ago.  That is where we are right now.  I've tried to reach out to friends and family for advice, but no one in my life has any idea how to deal with BPD as they don't understand how it works.  I want to get to a point of at least being friends with him again, as right now he is very dysregulated and giving me the silent treatment most of the time.  He spends most of his time either working, or in his room playing video games and watching TV.  When I try to talk to him, he doesn't want to talk, says he is tired and wants to be left alone.  I think I made things more difficult back in June when he was freaking out about possibly having surgery and being out of work - I told him his venting was stressing me out - so now I feel like he took that to heart and doesn't want to open up to me. 

This isn't just about me and him - we have a dog together - she is like our child.  Those of you who have furbabies will understand.  The three of us are a family, and I need to take her into consideration too.  I love her more than life itself, and spending time with her is helping me get through this.

Essentially, I am looking for advice right now on how to stop the dysregulation.  I feel like lately, talking to him doesn't really help, and sometimes makes it worse.  he is in a place where he doesn't really want to talk, he wants to be left alone.  I want to make this work, and I am willing to give him space because I have plenty of work to do on myself right now.  I'm sleeping in another room at the other end of the house, and working on relaxation, meditation, yoga, and have plans to start my business after I've recovered physically.  But in the meantime, how do I deal with/stop the dysregulation and at least get to the point of speaking to each other again?  Right now it's pretty awkward and I have a tendency to get anxious around him, so I am working on being that calm presence that I know he needs (we both need).  I don't think he even realizes he has BPD - how do you explain to someone with BPD that they have BPD?  How can I get to the point of explaining it to him (I'm not sure he'd even listen if I tried to talk to him about it?) 

I feel that we are both very empathic and feel each other's emotions very strongly.  When he is stressed, I get stressed, and perpetuates a vicious cycle.  So I am working on being the calm in the midst of the storm.  I am also working on not being clingy, as I know I have a tendency to do so, and I know clinginess can drive a person away.  He has mentioned in the past that I suffocate him.  I think I try so desperately to make things work that maybe I try too hard.  (Maybe I need to "work smarter, not harder!"  Any other suggestions for getting through this and helping him calm down and stabilize?  I'd love to hear from others who successfully got through a period of dysregulation and were able to explain to their partner that they have BPD and need help.

Thanks!

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi Lily_Stargazer,

You sound very intuitive and insightful, and seem to know what needs to happen. Change is hard   

I understand the anxiety that goes with these relationships, feeling eggshells under our feet makes it hard to overcome anxious behaviors. Who wouldn't feel the same way?

Maybe accept for now that he cannot talk about his feelings or what he wants/doesn't want. His feelings and behaviors may be a mystery to him, and they wear him out with their intensity.

One thing I'm wondering about is whether the "calm" demeanor is what he wants. I read in a book (Valerie Porr's book?) that people with BPD tend to view neutral facial expressions and neutral voices in ways that tend negative. I have a relatively neutral resting face and with my BPD person, I had to adjust and start being a bit more animated.

I guess because a lack of affect can seem as though we do not acknowledge their own emotion state? My BPD person went through a dysregulation about me in particular, interpreting my lack of response as a sign I didn't like her, at least as I understand it. Not sure if this might be happening in your situation, it's something to consider if he is very perceptive (people with BPD seem to be).

[Lily_Stargazer]

Hi Lily_Stargazer,

You sound very intuitive and insightful, and seem to know what needs to happen. Change is hard  

I understand the anxiety that goes with these relationships, feeling eggshells under our feet makes it hard to overcome anxious behaviors. Who wouldn't feel the same way?

Maybe accept for now that he cannot talk about his feelings or what he wants/doesn't want. His feelings and behaviors may be a mystery to him, and they wear him out with their intensity.

One thing I'm wondering about is whether the "calm" demeanor is what he wants. I read in a book (Valerie Porr's book?) that people with BPD tend to view neutral facial expressions and neutral voices in ways that tend negative. I have a relatively neutral resting face and with my BPD person, I had to adjust and start being a bit more animated.

I guess because a lack of affect can seem as though we do not acknowledge their own emotion state? My BPD person went through a dysregulation about me in particular, interpreting my lack of response as a sign I didn't like her, at least as I understand it. Not sure if this might be happening in your situation, it's something to consider if he is very perceptive (people with BPD seem to be).

Livednlearned,

Thank you so much for your response.  Any ideas for conveying to him that he has BPD, or that I believe he does?  I do have a copy of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" - was thinking of leaving it sitting out where he might see it.  But I'm also concerned it would upset him or set him off - or that maybe he would think that *I* have BPD!  Not sure what to do here.  I'm hoping to give it a little time and that he'll calm down and we'll start communicating a little bit, but I'm not really sure what to expect right now... .

I hadn't thought about being more animated.  Something I could work on... .being more animated without being anxious.  I do tell him that I care.  I show it in numerous ways by doing things around the house, taking care of the dog, etc.

It is very difficult right now, with the lack of communication.  I say hi to him when he comes home from work, and he doesn't even respond.  I ask him how his day was... .nothing.  I know, it's the silent treatment... .I've read all about it, but it still hurts nonetheless.

A point I didn't mention in my original post, but... .he has a habit of going on dating sites.  He tends to do it whenever things are difficult between us, or when we're separated and living as roommates.  I have no idea if he intends to act on anything, or if he just chats with other women for validation... .but I am worried that now that we are technically separated, that he will start seeing other women.  When I agreed to the roommate situation, I mentioned that I thought we should focus on ourselves - that I didn't think we should see other people.  He said (with regard to seeing other people), "I'm not going to have time for that."  He said he would be busy with work and with his business.  But I still see him jumping on dating sites sometimes (I can see into his room from the kitchen).  He doesn't tell me where he's going when he goes out... .so this aspect of it is causing me a great deal of anxiety.  I tried mentioning to him again recently that I wanted us to refrain from seeing other people, and he got irritated and didn't want to talk.  So I feel like talking about it isn't helping... .should I just let it go and let him do whatever he wants, since we are technically not together at the moment?  I am definitely busy working on myself... .but... .things will be more difficult to repair in the future if he's been with other women.

I don't want to drive myself crazy wondering where he is whenever he's not home.  I know he's busy with work and is going to be having meetings to do with his business - he told me so much.  Any advice?  I just want to be at peace and not be driving myself crazy with this part of it... .I know if I want to make this work, I need to assume the role of emotional caretaker and be emotionally strong and secure in myself.  I guess the issue is that I know that in my head, but actually doing it is difficult.  I wish I had someone I could talk to in real life about this - I don't think there are any support groups in my area.  I think I'm really going to need the support of the people on this board to get through this.  I'm so glad this board exists... .I think I need to stay involved on here and keep my head in the right place  

[Lily_Stargazer]

Responding to my own post, as I thought of one more thing to add:

Is it necessary to inform a person with traits of BPD that they have a PD?  Is it possible to work through things without officially going for therapy and getting a diagnosis?  We've been through stuff like this before and managed to rebuild things before. Just curious if there is anyone out there who managed to successfully improve their relationship without an official diagnosis. 

Also, I may have been jumping to conclusions about the dating sites - I thought he was on one the other day, but I looked again and I think it was a forum for something to do with his business.  I guess it's hard to tell from a distance.  I know he's been on them in the past so I constantly have that fear in the back of my mind.  I think I am driving myself crazy here 

[livednlearned]

Any ideas for conveying to him that he has BPD, or that I believe he does?

Even with good intentions, telling someone you think they have a major (stigmatizing) mental illness is not likely to go over well, especially because pwBPD tend to have what experts call "anosognosia," which is when a person who suffers from the disorder has low self-awareness about it.

The other part, the harder part in many ways, is that we often want our partners to get help so they will fix themselves, with us there helping them. With BPD, the way that works best is for us to focus on our own well-being first, then our loved one, sort of the opposite of what we want to do, which is for them to fix themselves.

I do have a copy of the book "Stop Walking on Eggshells" - was thinking of leaving it sitting out where he might see it.  But I'm also concerned it would upset him or set him off - or that maybe he would think that *I* have BPD!  Not sure what to do here.  I'm hoping to give it a little time and that he'll calm down and we'll start communicating a little bit, but I'm not really sure what to expect right now... .

I found it helped to read what I could about BPD. Loving Someone with BPD (Shari Manning), and Valerie Porr's book were very helpful. I had to read them a few times. And then I read two memoirs by people who suffer from BPD, and that helped me get into a compassionate frame of mind when I felt frustrated. It seems counter-intuitive, but when you change how you feel, how you behave, it can change how he responds to you.

I hadn't thought about being more animated.  Something I could work on... .being more animated without being anxious.  I do tell him that I care.  I show it in numerous ways by doing things around the house, taking care of the dog, etc.

It's hard to reflect his emotion state when he isn't talking to you   When my BPD loved one goes into silent treatment, I use that time to crank up my own self-care. Not only am I important, I am essential to the health of the relationship, because my pwBPD does not have the skills to keep us stable. So my priorities are me first (hardest thing I've ever had to do), then everyone else next.

I also learned during silent treatments to not baby my pwBPD. It can feel like you have no faith in their abilities and they suffer from above-average feelings of inadequacy and incompetence. One of the most helpful things I've learned is to ask validating questions that do two things: 1. acknowledge how she feels (even if what she thinks is off) and 2. demonstrates my implicit faith that she is accountable and responsible for solving her own problems.

Here's an excerpt: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=273415.msg12586025#msg12586025

It is very difficult right now, with the lack of communication.  I say hi to him when he comes home from work, and he doesn't even respond.  I ask him how his day was... .nothing.  I know, it's the silent treatment... .I've read all about it, but it still hurts nonetheless.

It's the worst! I remember someone saying here that it is the worst form of verbal abuse, and it sure feels that way. My T says it's because we are being erased, and being made to feel invisible, like we don't matter and aren't worth even talking to. Super painful if you grew up in a home where this kind of thing happened to.

should I just let it go and let him do whatever he wants, since we are technically not together at the moment?  

He is likely getting the reaction he wants from you, and he may be perceiving your lack of values/boundaries as a sign of weakness. It's like a young child defying a parent in plain view, wanting your love and acting out at the same time, knowing he can do as he pleases. It sounds like you are not okay with his behavior, and are afraid to protect your own feelings.

I know that in my head, but actually doing it is difficult.

This is so true. It is very easy to see what needs to change in others, and very hard to admit the same to ourselves, much less make changes. Be gentle with yourself. You are worthy and lovable and doing your best while working to do better.  

LnL

[Jessica84]

Ugh. I'm so sorry. You have a long history together so I hope his dysreg phase passes soon. 

Sometimes, it's a matter of waiting them out. You sound very patient, but I can imagine how draining it must be. Keep giving him time/space to self-soothe, while you work on you.

Sorry you are enduring the ST and now him checking out dating sites. This would bother me too, even if we weren't technically "together". You still live together. Has he indicated wanting to move?

He could be doing this for a number of reasons - checking out other options on a dating site could be his way of regulating himself, easing his fears of being alone in case you abandon him... .or for validation or a confidence boost... .or he could be feeling engulfed in some way... .or it could be to punish you and make you feel uneasy or jealous. Hard to say.

Whatever his reasons, let him be. Stay busy and focused on yourself. Try to calm your inner fears and anxieties. If he picks up on your anxiety, he may continue - either because it gives him the benefit of upsetting you (justifying his ST), or it's his impaired way of coping emotionally. Try not to let his behaviors bother you. Remind yourself this is about him, not you. Be strong. Know that you will survive whatever happens.  Above all, be kind to yourself.