First time posting, so I don't know all the acronyms yet, but have been reading on here for about 2 weeks. After searching what I went through I think my ex is uBPD but not sure, below is my story and I'm looking for advice on what to do. Might be the longest post ever but my situation (like most I imagine) is extremely complicated, we had a 10 year relationship with a 1-1/2 year break in the middle. Reading my story could be entertaining, but make some popcorn first. Thank you for your time.
My relationship ended about 7 months ago, I will call her Amy, and I'm just trying to figure out what happened. We met 10 years ago and she had a bf at the time. We got to know each other over about 2 month. We worked together and I always rode my bike, she started offering me rides home and I accepted. After 2 months Amy invited herself over one evening to hang out with me and my roommates. By the end of the evening Amy wanted to stay the night, told her she couldn't as she had a bf. This went on for hours. She ended up staying (after trying to give her a ride or call a cab numerous times) and we had sex. After that she was with me every day, I kept bringing up her bf asking when she was going to end it, she kept telling me 'I will.' It took over a month, and during this time she would have sex (no condom, yes I was an idiot) with me then go stay at his place. Looking back I feel like poop for doing this, she didn't have a problem at all, and she made me feel so in love with her. The 'I love you's'
, started right away, even before she left her bf. Within 2 months (1 after breaking up with her bf) Amy moved in with me, we never even talked about it, she was just living there one day
. She wanted to go to the court house and get married within the first 3 months. Looking back, and I asked her about this recently, she didn't have a single friend when we started dating
, even though she was in her last year at college. She told me all her high school friends stopped being friends with her because one Amy's friends bf's tried having sex with her, his story was the opposite. We were madly in love, I had been in relationships before but this was different, I had never felt love like this before. She would always tell me how great I was how all she needed was 'Me and you in a cardboard box under a bridge, I don't care as long as I have you.' Early on Amy told me about being raped multiple times over a long period of time when she was younger by her best friends father. She said she had never told anyone but me, because I made her feel safe. That until me, she had promised herself to never fall in love because she was scarred of getting hurt by men. But with me she did, for the first time, and she couldn't believe how in love she was. She also never had therapy about this, her parents just moved away and ignored it.
This went on for a few years, and we moved into a place on our own. I had a son (previous rs, who I had most of the time, and she became like a step mother and seemed to love him to bits, and him to her. I helped her through grad school, paying all the bills etc. Things started to change, she was becoming more distant but I figured it was the long hours and stress of grad school. During this time I had a falling out with a close male friend. She knew him but they never hung out outside of me or spoke on the phone. Part of the falling out was that he slept with a mutual friend of ours gf while the friend was out of town. When I talked to him about how this was wrong we argued and basically he cut me off. I shared all of this with Amy and how we were no longer friends and the reasons why. No more than a week later she is talking with him on the phone and I come to find out they had been going out at night to the bars to drink, just the two of them. I confronted her about this, and she couldn't understand why I had a problem with it. 'He's my friend too.' No, he's not, and never was. She down played it, and turned it on me as I was the one with the problem. I let her know that she could be his friend or be my bf. The relationship continued but slowly broke down as now I started seeing how she needed male attention for validation
. The only friends she had were my friends, and most of them, especially women, didn't care for her that much but I was still in love. Things kept going down hill, and my sister, who lives across the country, came to town and stayed with us for a few weeks. This was her first time meeting Amy. My sis didn't take a liking to her, and noticed things I never did. How my gf always seemed to have a minor medical issue / was sick, and how she treated my son totally different depending if I was around or not. She complained to my sis that I never bought her flowers with my sis reminding her I just bought some the week before. She finished grad school and moved back home (my home city as well) and I ended the relationship with her. It wasn't working and we kept fighting over nothing. She cried and begged to get me back, even calling and crying to my sister, but I didn't go back. I became much happier and started finding myself again, as I was absorbed with her when we were together. The best way to describe it is that she fused herself into me. My life became her life, my house became hers, my friends, my son, my everything, became her everything
. Amy had non of that when I met her.
I met someone new at a wedding 6 months after our breakup, I'll call her Beth. She was a best friend to a great female friend of mine (the bride). She lived on the other side of the country but we started dating, taking it slow. Spoke and Skyped a lot before meeting up for the first time after the wedding. We started visiting each other every 3-4 weeks, I'd fly to her, then her to me. She was great in every way except one. If I could make a list of everything I would want in a future wife, Beth had it all, and the ex, Amy, didn't. The problem was, even with this, I didn't feel the pull toward Beth. We took our time with the 'I love you' and took time with everything else, it was a 180 from the experience before. I liked Beth more, I liked her friends (she had friends) more, her family, our time, her interests, my friends and family adored her. She was madly in love with me. The problem was, her love was healthy, and I didn't know what that felt like. It didn't feel like she was in love with me, even though she was. I wasn't pulled toward her. Everything was perfect and I truly loves spending time with her, but it wasn't the same. Beth was her own person with her own life and interests so she didn't fuse herself to me like Amy had. Because of this, it didn't seem like love, even though it was.
Amy started worming her way back into my life. She started to call, text, and email me. She started telling me about all these guys she was spending time with. 'I have dance classes with this one, drink with that one, play soccer with these ones.' She was trying to make me jealous. The way she talked about them, I would tell her they wanted to sleep with her and she would get mad, 'can't men like me for who I am, and not want to sleep with me?' She would alway call me a few weeks later 'I can't believe what happened, I drank with him all night, walked him to his apartment at 3AM, he invited me up, I went, then he tried to have sex!' At which point I said 'told you so'. This happened multiple times. I always believed her, until now looking back, that she was just naive. Now I know she needs men to want her to feel her whole. Amy and I started spending time together even though I was still dating Beth. Right when we started spending more time together she let me know she had met someone else while I was out of town, had sex the first night they met and felt like he was the one. I was crushed. I promised to break it off with Beth if we could work it out, she rejected me. I begged, I cried, nothing worked, until I stopped and walked away. Then she came to me, begging me. I ended it with Beth, Amy broke it off with the new guy, this all after 4 months.
We were back to being madly in love, over the top magical, heroin addict type love. We were infatuated once again. We started living together again. We bought a house together and everything was great. The house was only bought in her name so we could buy another in my name to fix up and rent. The first house was also a fixer and I put a ton of money, time, and energy into fixing it up. The mother of son and her husband ended up moving in. Yes, weird dynamic but we all get along and it was good for my son. A year after we bought the house things started to change. She started to become distant and cold. She even changed toward the others living with us. She was selfish and forgetful, not caring about anyone but herself. I'm a social person with friends who I like spending time with but she never wanted to hang out. She still didn't really have any friends and wanted us to always stay in and spend time together, just us. I would invite friends over for dinner, but whenever I would go out and try to get her to come, she rarely ever did. She was a home body.
During this year 2 strange things happened. She came home one day, 9 months after we bought the house, and told me how her friends husband had been texting her wanting to have sex with her. Her friend was out of town. This was a friend from high school, who's friendship had ended before because the same friends bf was trying to have sex with her. She is married to a different man now. Amy and her had just started to reconnect and had been spending time at her friends a few weekends, this was years after the first time. Amy was crying when telling me about it, how she couldn't believe it and how she couldn't tell her friend because of what had happened before. I was supportive and never even thought of asking to see the text messages. I was in love remember. The next weekend she tells me she is leaving to go to her friends house. I ask if the husband will be there and she tells me he will. I let her know I am uncomfortable with her going out there, being around a married man who expressed his desire to sleep with her, and how I find it odd she doesn't have a problem going after she broke down about it less than a week before. Amy says everything is fine, and though I was uncomfortable, I'm not controlling, and she went. A month later she informs me we are spending a family weekend at the beach with them and their kids. I let her know I didn't want to go, I felt uncomfortable and didn't understand why she wanted to go. Why she wanted me to spend a weekend being forced to be friendly to who had tried to cheat on his wife with her. She beat me into submission, and we went. Not the best weekend of my life, but I trudged through it. Another time, months later, and 2 months before she left me, she was out of town on a work retreat. The night we got home she told me how a married man who works with her had tried to sleep with her while on the retreat. The group was drinking at night and she announced she was heading to bed. The man asked to walk her to her room and she agreed. Once they got to her door he put his arms around her and started trying to kiss her (her story). She wanted my advice on what to do, should she tell HR? Not say a thing? She ended up telling HR and he was fired. This again, is how she carries herself around men. I know men can be aggressive and am the first to defend a women when it comes to men pushing themselves on someone. But many times I spoke with her about how she carries herself around men and how it puts out the wrong idea. Even I could see it, and so could my friends. She would always come across as a women who was interested, it's hard to explain. When I would talk to her about it she would always get defensive, 'why should I have to change, I'm doing nothing wrong', 'I just see the best in people and I am a very friendly person.' She was also overly concerned about her body, almost spending 10K on surgery, lying to me about it, and me finally talking her out of it.
About 7 months ago she started not coming home until 1 - 2 in the morning, even during the week. When I asked what she was doing, she said she was out drinking with friends from work / sports team. I tried talking with her about it, but she acted like me trying to talk about it was a problem. This lasted about a month until I saw an emil from a guy on her sports team asking if anyone could give her a ride, and she wrote back VERY flirty that she could. I confronted her, but didn't bring up the email. I asked if she was don't with our relationship, she answered 'I don't know.' Amy said she wanted to stay with a friend for a week and if I would go to couples counseling with her. I said I would love to go, and I didn't want her to move out for a week but if she needed space I would go. I stayed trying to talk her out of it at first but finally left thinking it was for the best, to give her some space.
The week turned into 2 then a month. She kept telling me she just needed time, and kept pushing out the date. I finally asked about the guy in the email, if there was anything going on. She flipped out 'I can't believe you would think that, I'm not that type of girl, how dare you!' The whole time I was being loving and supportive, I never got mad, or upset. I thought proving my love would be enough. About 2 months into the breakup she sends me an email telling me I have demons inside myself, and how I was a monster. How emotionally abusive I was. Before we broke up she said she was starting to volunteer at a women's shelter, at this point I don't think she ever volunteers but was going so someone could buy into her lies and tell her what she wanted to hear, that I was abusing her. I asked her how I was abusive and she could only come up with, one time at dinner with my friends she started sharing personal info about someone who wasn't there, that I told her in confidence, and I squeezed her leg under the table to get her to stop talking. I also criticized her driving a few times, 'made fun of her laugh' which I thought was an inside joke, I did it in a loving way and we would both laugh about it. She also told me I convinced her that men only liked her so they could sleep with her. I never all men, I did tell her that about a number of men when she would talk to me about them, and in the end every one of them did try to bed her. That was about it with my 'abuse' and 'demons.' She was so convincing that I tried for over a month to convince my therapist I was abusive. I had been seeing a therapist from right after the breakup. My therapist tried to tell me all the things were normal parts of a relationship but I wouldn't believe her. I talked with the mother of me child (we are good friends) and told her I was an abuser and apologized to her for abusing her years earlier when we were together. She laughed at me, and told me I was never abusive, that I was a good, kind, caring person. I didn't want to believe her either. I started telling friends and family that I was an abuser, that I thought I might have a mental disorder. I was loosing my mind. This went on for a month. Until Amy send me an email (a response to many from my apologizing about all my abusive ways, and how much I loved her, etc.) telling me I wasn't an abuser, and had never abused her. ?
Over these months every time I would back away and stop emailing, texting, or calling, she would start pulling me back it. 'I love you', 'maybe we can work it out.' I would start engaging more, and she would back off. 4 months into the break up she went out of state to volunteer for a week and adopting a family and having them move in with her. I found out later that the sports guy (guy #1) volunteered at this place twice a year. They had been sleeping together starting right after (or before?) the breakup. He had a long term gf who found out they were "talking" but didn't know they were sleeping together. His gf told him that he could talk with Amy or be in a rs with her. He broke it off with Amy and she was devastated, even more than the end of us. I know all this because my son (and his mom and step dad) were still living there. Crazy, I know. Amy did the volunteering and adopting of the family to win the guy away from his gf, I guess? Right after she got back, and being rejected by guy #1 she fell in love with guy #2, who she met the day after she broke up with me (according to her). When we broke up she said she needed to be alone, to find herself, that she had lost herself in me, she woke up one day and didn't even know who she was. She was planning a month long backpacking trip. The day before Amy left she sent me an email telling me about guy #2. She had never admitted it before, and at this point still didn't know about guy #1, remember, she had denied it when I asked her about it. In the email she said she was madly in love with him and was going to spend the rest of her life with him. That she still loved me, still wanted me to be her family and best friend. Wanted me and the new love of her life to be friends, wanted us all to hang out together. Her trip only lasted 4 days, because she missed him too much. 4 days in (I figured she would be gone a month) I got a FB friend request from her. I wasn't on FB during our relationship and had just signed up. She also text me right when she got back letting me know she was back early. She bragged that she hitch hiked the 5 hour ride back with 2 random guys.
The push pull continued with me. I would still get the I love yous, but we can never be together again. I was still trying to work things out. The more I tried, the more distant she got, I would pull away, she would start coming after me. She started trying to make plans with me (6 months after bu) wanting to spend time together. We made a plan for the weekend, and she tried to change the time the night before. I told her I couldn't change the time and we should just reschedule. The next morning she started texting non stop starting about 6AM. She could change the time to this. me - sorry already made plans. What about changing the time to later - sorry. How about we have breakfast then bike ride later? - sorry. This went on and on. Later in the morning I went to the house to get me son, she got in a fight with me about it. How dare I not let her change plans, how dare I stop being her doormat. She was so angry. I told her it wasn't a big deal and we could reschedule, she changed plans and they didn't work for me. She ended up collapsing on the floor crying like a child, wailing out 'go away, just go away', all over breakfast. By this point I felt like she had been playing games, and I knew I should just leave even with her crying, but I couldn't, I still loved her. I got down on the ground, wrapped my arms around her and held her. She put her head on my shoulder and just cried. I did end of leaving. After breakfast I came back and we talked. I asked if there was any chance for us and she said 'never say never but not likely' then went on about how great guy #2 was and how she was in love. I asked if she planned on marrying and having kids with him. She said no, she wouldn't marry or have kids with him. This is a woman who wanted marriage and kids with me more than anything. After this I tried to cut her off but got sucked back in, more push pull. The week after the breakfast bungle was crazy. She asked if I wanted to be her running partner, just the two of us, once a week. We were texting and talking way more. Then one night we were talking on the phone, I asked about her bf breaking up with his gf for Amy. Her response, that wasn't him, that was the first guy. This was the first time I knew about guy #1! I was blown away. I asked who guy #1 was, she told me it was the guy she was flirting with in the email, the guy I asked her about and she told me I was crazy to even think that. She didn't see what the big deal was 'it was just casual sex.' He had a long term gf! You tried to break them up! I lost me ___ a little, I called her a lier, because she did, I told her guy #2 (love of her life) was a doormat, how was he okay with her still spending time with guy #1? (guy #1 got kick off, or left the sports team over it all) How was he okay with you telling me, your ex of 10 years, you still love me? You still want to spend alone time with me? Her response 'because he's not you, he understands me, he knows everything and he is okay with it.' ___ is crazy making. She hung up on me. This was the first time over these 6 months that I showed any negative emotion. Before this I was nothing but love, kindness and understanding. I immediately started texting the I'm sorry, I shouldn't have been so mean, etc. She responded with how I was a cruel and unhealthy person, and I went back to being emotionally abusive. The next day she text me that she was done giving me chances and she would never talk with me again.
About money. About 4 months after the breakup I started realizing it might be over for good, and also to push to see how serious Amy was about us being done, I asked about how we would deal with money from the house. She agreed that I deserved money. Once again, I spend lots of time, skill and money (over 10K) fixing the house up. I have the tools and skills to do the work on my own. The house was in her name only, but I had found it and made phone calls, etc. to buy it. She kept telling me she needed more time to figure it out, I would get money but for me to wait a bit. This dragged on, until I sent an email (6 months post breakup) telling her we needed to sort in out and it needed to happen now, she couldn't keep ignoring it. The email was nice but to the point, I didn't include any 'I love you' or affection, just all business, but not rude or pushy. She responded by accusing me of being abusive again, telling me she was changing her whole day to spend on the phone with banks because I needed it to happen now. Amy wasn't happy. A week or so later she agreed to give me 2 checks, 1 for 10K and 1 for 20K, the latter was post dated 2 month. She didn't have the money. Out of the 40K credit line, which she applied to before she left me (she never told me about the 40K credit line, even when I asked her about it, she lied to my face saying she never got it, and later denied the lie and said she had told me) she had already spend 30K of it in the few months post breakup. She only had the money for the first check but told me she would have the money in time for the date of the second check. She spent the money on trips, spending sprees, etc. Weeks after I get the checks, and I start coming out of the fog, I email a closure letter, very kind, loving, etc. Thank I will always love her, and thank her for all she did, that I didn't hold anything against her and I understood, wishing her a good life, I also asked about money for the house, just wanted to check in now that it was over and emotions had time to calm down. If she felt 30K was good for me after all I had done, after we both looked at the house as ours, the house we would build a family in and grow old together. The house was worth 150K more than we bought it for. She responded by letting me know she had canceled the checks and needed a few days to figure it out. That was 2 weeks ago. She emailed a few days ago asking if she could come to my sons soccer game, but didn't bring up the money. She came to the game, we were friendly, had a few laughs, but never brought up the money. She told my son she would be at all his games. We gave each other a big hug before she left and that is where I am at now. In terms of my son (pre-teen) most people in my life think I need to cut her out. I am conflicted on this. All the people close to me thinks she has never really cared about him. I can't believe or come to terms with this. My son in no longer living with Amy, but the 4 months he was living at her house part time after Amy kicked me out, Amy would just ignore him, make plans with him and cancel to spend time drinking with her friends or boyfriend, and not really give 2 ___z. Speaking of her 'friends' all of a sudden she has a ton of friends, where before she had none and was a home body, how she's out all the time, hanging out, going to bars, etc. And now all these friends, always talking about all 'the guys' etc. All her new hobbies are guy #1 & #2's hobbies. She acts different, and seems different, and is in to totally different things, drastically. She also tells me how happy she finally is, how happy and great her life is, etc.
I apologize again about the biblical post. Curious how to deal with the money, still want to find a day to make it work (thinking of going NC until she ends her current relationship, maybe will never happen, but need to sort out the $ first. Even though I am still in love with her and want her back I realize it's not healthy and she isn't coming back), and decide what role she will play in my sons life moving forward. Thank you so much for your time if anyone responds. It felt good just venting it all out.
