Cut her out again, feel bad but know it's for the best

[paperlung]

Went NC on ex back in March who was already my ex when I went NC. Did it because I knew I couldn't be her friend. I still loved her, and even though I didn't want to be with her, it would cause me a lot of stress, jealously, anxiety to see her dating so I moved on.

Near the end of August I found out she was living in the psych ward through an email she sent to me. That got me feeling sorry for her, and I remember even telling myself during NC that the only way I'd ever break NC was if she was in the hospital for something serious. Well, I broke NC and visited her. I wanted to give her some support in there because she doesn't get any from her family, it's really quite sad. I have a lot of empathy for her.

Anyways, I saw her a handful of times while she was in there, and when she got released, a saw her a few more times after that as well. But tonight I put a stop to it. It was hard, and I feel bad, but I know I can't be close with this woman. Even though I love her... .I already know she's dating again. She asked to date me casually because she said she wasn't looking for a relationship with anybody right now... .but yeah, no thanks. I don't want to get emotionally invested just to have her run off on me once more.

[Larmoyant]

paperlung, I can relate. I have a lot of empathy for my ex too, but could not be a friend to him. The stress, jealousy and anxiety of seeing him date others would be too much to bear especially after all the damage that’s been done anyway. I think you have made a wise decision. We need to take care of our hearts. No risking any more pain. It seems to get harder to get back up each time. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi paperlung,

Wow, that's hard. I admire you for showing up for your ex. That takes compassion and strength to do. I can really understand your conflicted feelings about stopping seeing her. I'm sure I'd feel the same. Living with BPD can be so difficult and it's very sad to see people we love struggling so much. The desire to be there for them is really strong.

But as they say, you have to put your own oxygen mask on first, before you can be of any help to someone else. You know what you can handle as far as contact with her goes, so it sounds like your decision is the right one for you. It has evoked some uncomfortable emotions, but that is really understandable.

Since she is dating, at least you know that she has some kind of support in her life, i.e., she is not completely alone. 

heartandwhole

[paperlung]

Thanks for the replies, guys.

It's so hard loving someone like this. I wish I could keep seeing her because we get a long so well and I enjoy my time with her, but I know how bad/pointless it would be for me to let my guard down if I were to just see/date her casually. There's already feelings there, and knowing she would also be seeing and sleeping with other guys, one of which she might decide to get into a relationship with eventually... .just no.

It's funny, when I went to go visit her in the hospital, a nurse saw us together, and later that nurse asked my ex if I was her brother or boyfriend. My ex told nurse I was her ex-boyfriend, and the nurse said to my ex, "Oh, planning to recycle?" I guess the nurse was aware, haha.

She always contacts me when things a bad. I told her this time to not message me if she was in a pinch/crisis (that's how she hooks me) and she said I would never hear from her again. We'll see about that.

[True Grenadine]

Hi PL,
I hear what you are saying... .My exBPD GF still reaches out to me when feeling lonely... .I realized that I can no longer be in contact but it's hard as I still love her.

Moving on requires for me to let go 100% and go NC. Ive tried to go NC a few times but failed each time. I'm walking into one more go around at NC and plan to block her in all aspects including social media. I have no choice... .

This go around is a bit easier as I've been working on myself and moved through a few lingering co dependent issues that I have/had... .I realized over the past two months that my CD allowed me to ignore my own boundaries and subject myself to her verbal and emotional abuse and blinded me to the lies and manipulation brought on by her ten year option addiction that was out of her control.

I said no more... .And I draw the line.

Good luck
TG