What did my ex receive in the relationship?

[joeramabeme]

This thought came to me in the context of; I still miss her, why isn't she missing me like I miss her.  In thinking through the emotional support that I received in the marriage, I wondered how she would answer the same question?  That is when it started to dawn on me; I truly don't know what she received from me. 

I don't mean receive in the context of 'gifts', I mean it more like; support, love, empathy, a shoulder to cry on.  I only remember her crying in front of me 3 or 4 times over 11 years.  It never dawned on me while in the marriage but I guess it does now that I wonder why she isn't missing me.

As I continued to think through it I started to think that it was probably safe for her to keep defenses up by always being in a position where she would be the giver.  (saying that feels contradictory in the context of my being a CareGiver).

I am not bashing myself here as a selfish person, though I suppose at some level I was needy and she willingly provided the support I was looking for - but, she never made herself vulnerable in the same way and I never picked up on that.

When she was leaving and looking for a new place to move into, I relayed to here in a heartfelt way, all of the ways that she and our marriage positively changed my life and her response was; you should hold onto those thoughts.  Hurt like hell but perhaps she was never as attached as I was and therefore, doesn't miss the marriage in the same way I do.

Perhaps my neediness and vulnerability was one of my personal traits that made the marriage sustainable for her - control through giving.

Anyone else?  Was your ex emotionally vulnerable?  Did they allow you to soothe them?

[bus boy]

 My xw never seemed to let herself get that close to me to soothe her. She always pretty much let me know the marriage meant nothing to her and made me feel the same way as well. She made it clear I was the last person she would ever lean on. She let me soothe her once when she had a miscarriage but she still managed to blame that on me as well.

[Jeff26]

A few months ago the whole not being vulnrable thing dawned on me.


It was something that, even months after the breakup, did not stick out to me.


But during the year and change that we were together, she really only cried infront of me less than a handful of times, and trust me, there were some tear worthy times during our relationship.

I remember trying to comfort her one of the times she was sobbing, she actually pushed me away from her. Really showing that the closeness was not appreciated in that vulnerable state.


She also didn't cuddle too much past the first few months of dating, and only once did she ever scratch or rub my back. I have back problems and made that clear to her, it seems so strange to me now that she never seemed interested in physically loving me except when kissing or having sex.

The sex wasn't they great either, I always felt like she thought it was a chore if it took longer than 10mins.