Need Help

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

My BF broke up with me because I told him i was going to be gone most of last weekend to prepare for my mothers 60th birthday party. He didn't have the courtesy to contact me Friday to tell me was going to be home and be with his friend. (im fine with that as long he would tell me) but he never does, or only does sometimes and it drives me nuts because I've told him time and time again there needs to be communication. the next day he calls me and i asked what he did, he said he had a couple of beers with his friend and that we didn't have plans anyway. i told him yea we didn't have plans cus you cry broke but you're quick to go and spend money on beers and ciggs with your friends instead of saving it. he took that as i called him "broke" and cursed me out and broke up with me didn't answer my calls and was ignoring me . i left him a vm telling him if he disappears that whole weekend it would be over and he ignored it. so basically we are broken up. now i am so pissed he wont be attending my mothers bday party because i know people are going to ask and i just don't want to explain anything. i don't know what to do because i can almost guarantee he will try and come back in a week or 2 weeks. i have to set a boundary but i don't know how. do i tell him he better go or do i leave it alone?

[j9]

My BF broke up with me because I told him i was going to be gone most of last weekend to prepare for my mothers 60th birthday party. He didn't have the courtesy to contact me Friday to tell me was going to be home and be with his friend. (im fine with that as long he would tell me) but he never does, or only does sometimes and it drives me nuts because I've told him time and time again there needs to be communication. the next day he calls me and i asked what he did, he said he had a couple of beers with his friend and that we didn't have plans anyway. i told him yea we didn't have plans cus you cry broke but you're quick to go and spend money on beers and ciggs with your friends instead of saving it. he took that as i called him "broke" and cursed me out and broke up with me didn't answer my calls and was ignoring me . i left him a vm telling him if he disappears that whole weekend it would be over and he ignored it. so basically we are broken up. now i am so pissed he wont be attending my mothers bday party because i know people are going to ask and i just don't want to explain anything. i don't know what to do because i can almost guarantee he will try and come back in a week or 2 weeks. i have to set a boundary but i don't know how. do i tell him he better go or do i leave it alone?

[thisagain]

Hi J9,

Did either of you explicitly break up with the other? It looks like you left a voicemail saying if you don't hear from him it's over, and you haven't heard from him. But I wouldn't expect that to be a clean, simple end to the relationship. Do you want it to be over? Or are you hoping he'll come back in a week or two?

I know how frustrating it is when their excuses for not spending time with you aren't consistent (like telling you he can't afford plans with you). But a lot of conflict can come from trying to second-guess or control their little daily choices. As long as you have boundaries to protect your truly important core values, it's usually best to let them do their thing.

I think it might benefit your "deciding" process to look more at the big picture. How do you feel when he doesn't tell you his plans, spends money to hang out with friends but not with you, misses events like your mom's birthday, etc? If those are the "trees," what does the "forest" look like? It's really important to pause and connect with the underlying emotion for you.