Partner angry because I didn't comfort her properly

[matilda19]

I am a little confused at the moment and needed some clarity. So in the past few days my girlfriends grandfather has passed away. It is terribly sad news. Now unfortunately my girlfriend and I are not together at the moment due to travelling for work so we are doing a long distance thing. I even feel stupid posting this but sitting here in the hotel room alone with no one to reach out to I am just confused as to what to do.

Now she had Skyped with her mother and her family just now and then immediately afterwards asked to Skype with me. So I answered and of course she was crying so I started by saying "I am sorry. I wish I could be there for her. I am sad for her and her family" and she just starts yelling "Say something. Say something" to which I respond similarly and then she hangs up. I get a message instantly telling me that I just sat there staring at her for the duration and saying anything and how is this anyway to comfort a partner. Is this gaslighting? I literally did speak. I 100% spoke. But she is now calling me a liar. Claiming that I didn't say anything to her and she is saying that I am socially retarded for not being there for her and comforting her.

I made the stupid mistake of defending my behaviour because I was confused and I did actually speak in that instant. I really should have just shut my mouth. But I apologised profusely before deciding to stick up for myself. Did I do it wrong? How else could I have comforted her? I haven't exactly been exposed to this situation many times. She said she can't wait until my grandfather dies so that she can show me how it feels. I repsonded by saying how deeply sad I was and how I would give anything to be there for her right now to which she responded that "that is how a stranger would act". I am not sure. I feel stupid for fighting about this. I also feel like a failure for not being there for her as she needed me. I am perplexed. Did I behave improperly? Should I have been more supportive? I am not sure what happened. I feel like a massive dick now!

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[livednlearned]

Hi matilda19,

It's hard to be going through something emotional with a partner so far away. It sounds like she was already emotionally aroused and maybe dysregulated when the call started? Maybe her screen froze -- it can often happen with Skype.

Either way, whether it was technology or her own intense emotional dysregulation, it's possible that there is nothing you could've done or said to soothe her.

Something else I learned this summer is that my BPD loved one gets upset when I do not mirror the intensity of her emotions. I tend to comfort by being calm and supportive, and there were many times she wanted me to feel outrage or sadness. I've even had to learn to be more expressive in my facial expressions with her, a way to validate how she is feeling. Otherwise, she tends to dial up her own emotions, maybe out of frustration, feeling like no one understands how she feels?

It could be the same with your GF, that she wanted to have her own emotional intensity mirrored back, and it either wasn't for tech reasons, or your response was perceived as too measured given her own emotion state.

Maybe accept that nothing you say or do right now will pass the test? She is upset and probably dysregulated, and needs time to soothe herself and dial down the emotional intensity she's experiencing. I would continue to validate her (Of course you are upset! I would too, given what you are going through, etc.).

[SettingBorders]

Any chance there was a problem with the connection in skype?

No, you did nothing wrong and you have been suportive enough, when you had the chance. But now, as she still needs your love and understanding, try everything you can to finish these arguements about if you were doing enough. The more you argue about it, the more she will believe that she was right. And the less she is having a chance to recover and heal from the loss.

I'd say: stop JADE'ing. Don't react on her baits. Focus on listening to her feelings about her grandfather. If she won't stop blaming you, then tell her, you'll talk later on skype as the current discussion won't help her with her grief.

[Jessica84]

This very much sounds like a technical issue - it's not that you didn't comfort her properly, it's that (to her) you didn't validate her at all -- because the feed was interrupted and she couldn't hear you.

Many times I've lost a signal on my phone at the worst possible moment, causing my BF to think I went silent or hung up on him. In a dysregulated state, he refused to believe me. He'd say "I don't believe in coincidences" - implying that I did hang up on him but blamed it on bad phone reception. I'd get so mad and defensive - "it's not my fault the call dropped!" That never worked out well.

SET worked a lot better. Sympathy = I'm sorry we had a bad connection. I really wanted to hear what you had to say and support you with all you are going through. Empathy = I can see how frustrating that would be. I would feel pretty bad too if I thought you were ignoring or hung up on me. Truth = That was unfortunate timing. You are important to me. I'm here for you and listening if you feel like sharing with me again?

Or sometimes I would state it once, simply, and without getting flustered: "Sorry, we must've had a bad connection. I'm here for you."