In need of help (tips and tricks) to help my wife

[councilkid]

Hello,
My wife has had a Personality disorder all her life. It seems that it has gotten a lot worse lately. She keeps accusing me of cheating and other horrible things. She shouts at me, throws things and even gets physical. I have tried multiple times to proof to her that I am faithful, yet she still gets upset almost on a daily basis. I kindly ask your help for tips and tricks to calm her down and reassure her that I am only hers. Her anger outbursts are really hard for me to handle. I try to keep calm and show empathy and understanding. Please help me.
Thanks!

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[ArleighBurke]

Hello and welcome!

There is hope!
I suspect that you are committing the same mistake as almost EVERYONE does - you are talking to her about LOGIC without hearing her EMOTION.

When a BPD tells you something, they are telling you how they FEEL. This often has nothing to do with reality, so "proving" that her feelings are wrong or unjustified just enrages her.

Imagine trying bungy jumping. You *know* that you will be fine, but every ounce of your body is SCREAMING self protection at you. You FEEL like you are going to die. Pointing out to your body that you are tied in safely, that 1,000 others have all done this - does NOTHING to make you feel less scared.

So you need to just HEAR her emotion. You say you try to "prove to her", but you also show "empathy and understanding". Can you detail how a typical conversation goes? It sounds like you may be missing the  validation part... .(Do you know about the Validation conversation technique... .?)

[councilkid]

Thank you so much for your reply. It was the best answer I could have hoped for. I started studying up on the Validation conversation technique.
The last days were really hard. Every time I come home from work my wife accuses me that I cheat on her. When she finds a phone number on her phone or an app she doesn't know how it got there she becomes full of rage. This has happened on a daily basis for about a week now. I try to explain that I would never do that and that I don't even have the chance for this. Logical arguments just don't do it. Then I ask her why she feels this way and the answer is that her feelings are never wrong.
I would be very grateful for more tips and tricks of how I can discharge this loaded atmosphere. Thank you.

[ArleighBurke]

So a validating response to "you're cheating on me" starts with:
I'm so sorry I make you feel that way. It would be horrible to think that your partner was cheating on you - that must be gut renching. I'm not cheating on you - and I wouldn't. How can I help you feel better?

This is the SET method - Sympathy, empathy, then truth.

Of course the first few times you try this you'll probably get anger, or more abuse. That's normal. TRY to understand this is about HER and not you. TRY to understand that her anger/abuse is not actually directed at you - even though its you she's yelling at.

You want to understand her feelings. The reasons for her feelings are NOT what she says - you are not cheating so this doesn't cuse her feelings of cheating. But either way she FEELS like you're cheating. So talk about her FEELINGS - not the causes.

If she goes into your phone and finds a phone number:
It must be horrible for you to feel like I'm cheating on you. Not being able to trust me - that would drive me wild too. I can see you are very worried about us and our relationship. I'm not cheating on you - and I wouldn't.

Address her FEELINGS - not her logic.

[councilkid]

Thank you so much. I will apply this technique today as soon as I get home from work. You have really given me hope and strength again.