So, apparently I'm a really stupid codependent

[CoDep79]

My first wife was diagnosed with Bipolar and BPD.  We married young, things were good for several years, but eventually things got crazy and she was diagnosed with bipolar and then borderline.  I fought to make the relationship work for 12 years, but it ended in divorce.  I was totally the care-giving, self-sacrificing type during that relationship.   We now co-parent our 5-year-old daughter together.

So then I met the most wonderful, loving woman.  She seemed perfect and was great with my daughter.  She was a little impulsive, drank a lot, but was so sweet.  Totally missed the warning signs.  Now we are married for 2 years and I have full-blown BPD all in my face.  It sucks.  I really started to realize she had BPD when I noticed I kept becoming more codependent and was walking on eggshells all the time.  I was in denial until last week. 

I love her so much though.  I don't know what to do.  I don't want my daughter to grow up with not only a BPD mother, but a BPD step-mother and codependent father.  I want to be assertive and not let myself stay codependent, but I'm afraid to tell my wife that she has BPD.  Our couples therapist also thinks she has BPD, but I don't think she, the therapist, knows how to go about letting my wife know.  I'm a decently successful lawyer, but start struggling with focus at work when my relationship is in trouble.  I feel like I'm either going to have an emotional breakdown or something.

If anyone has some advise for this stupid codependent, I would really appreciate it.

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[ArleighBurke]

You've come to the right place!

Telling her she has BPD will not achieve anything - and most people say it'll probably make things worse.

You've identified that YOU are codependant and walk on eggshells. So let's work on that! Stopping these behaviours will help you to feel much better - then you can decide where to go from there. Have you read "Stop walking on eggshells" - it's an excellent book that'll help.

Have you also heard of the SET and DEAR conversation methods? Search this site for them. They are conversation frameworks to help you talk with her - to make HER feel heard, but to also be able to express yourself (and NOT walk on eggshells).

It takes emotional strength to stay with a BPD - but it's quite possible - many on this website are living it everyday.

It all starts with YOU. 

[isilme]

Hey - you're not stupid - you've just some new behaviors to learn (from one codependent to another)

I've been with H for 20 years.  Yes, I think he has BPD.  I will never tell him that, though.  It would just trigger him and shame him, and won't do anything to help.  Instead, I try to work on my actions that escalate things, and try to back off at times allowing him to have his emotions.  Just because he's upset doesn't mean I need to "fix" it. 

This is a good place to be - hope it at least lets you talk

[Meili]

I would like to join the others in saying that it's probably not the best plan to tell her that she has BPD.

But, as AB said, knowing that you are co-dependent gives you a great place to start to work on changing the relationship dynamic.

Has your therapist said that you may be co-dependent, or is that just something that you suspect?

[CoDep79]

ArleighBurke:  Thank you for your comments and advice.  I can tell there is a lot of love and support in this forum already.  I will not tell her about her BPD, even though I have a hard time in general not being open about what I think - which is probably not a good thing.  I'm currently reading "Stop walking on eggshells," and working on the DBT conversation mindfulness techniques you mentioned. 

isilme: You are awesome.  Thank you for the kind words and perspective.

Meili:  The codependency is something I suspected during my relationship with my first wife who was BPD and bipolar.  I started noticing it while I was getting my undergrad degree in psychology and learning the concept.  I have a tendency to self-sacrifice and get my feelings hurt when I'm not recognized; I sometimes enable, and can be quite needy when I feel like my needs are not being met.  Never diagnosed with anything, but that is because I'm ridiculously functional with my disfunctionality.   

I can already tell that getting on this message-board was a good idea.  Thank you all.

[Notwendy]

It took me a lot of work to deal with co-dependent tendencies. For me, personally, the most effective thing was doing the 12 steps with a sponsor. I attended several types of groups- including ACA to deal with family issues and coda.

Attending meetings is a start, but nothing worked as well, as quickly, for me as the work doing the steps with a sponsor and he continued support. It was like co-dependency boot camp and she was not easy on me. She turned the mirror on me and helped me see where my being co-dependent caused issues in my life, regardless of who else was dysfunctional.

Growing up with BPD mom and co-dependent dad, my role in the family was to be co-dependent. I didn't even know there was another way to relate to people. But I learned.

I don't think you are stupid. I commend you for not wanting your child to be raised with co-dependency. This was a motivator to be a better mother to my children. I don't blame my father, in his era, people didn't know any better. But they do now, and I think you're pretty wise to take the steps to work on this in yourself.

I think there are many ways to work on this. The 12 step groups are one way. i realize they are not for everyone- some people don't like them. I was afraid to show up in front of everyone. I didn't know what to think. Sometimes - it was not a comfortable process. But the day I could stand up for myself, even if I feared the response, and was able to stand up for myself in the middle of that, I knew it worked for me.

[Jessica84]

First things first, turn off that negative critical inner voice and tell yourself the truth: You are not stupid. Write yourself words of affirmation if it helps. Law school is not for the weak or stupid. Most lawyers I know are highly intelligent and good at problem-solving. They are also natural caretakers - they want to help people. After all, no one comes to a lawyer unless they need help. So your chosen profession makes perfect sense. We all struggle to concentrate at our jobs when our relationships are in trouble. It's only natural. BPD relationships can be very distracting and energy-draining.

I've also read that co-dependents and BPDs make natural companions so your chosen partners make sense as well. Co-dependents often get their needs met by helping others - they focus outwardly (people-pleasing) to avoid dealing with their own issues. BPDs tend to choose someone with this tendency because they need a lot of help, and compassion, and like the focus on them.

Point is, don't beat yourself up for being YOU. You are honest, smart, kind, compassionate, thoughtful, helpful. These are all GOOD traits! The trouble occurs when it becomes enabling (which hurts the very people you hope to help) or erodes your own boundaries (which hurts you). pwBPD are natural boundary-busters. It takes strength, patience and practice to enforce our boundaries and protect ourselves.

You can learn a lot here about rebuilding your self-esteem and setting boundaries. Coming here is a great start. You can turn that helpful nature of yours inward - by helping yourself FIRST (think of the oxygen mask on an airplane). As you become emotionally healthier, you will be in a far better position to help others, and also serve as a positive role model/example for your wife and daughter. The changes in you can also change some of the dysfunctional dynamics in your relationships. You can find joy once again in helping people - but without harming - we tend to do more damage when we do things for others out of fear, guilt or obligation (FOG). You can come out of that fog so don't despair. There is hope.

[waverider]

You will need to focus, as you have pointed out, on how you react and allow things to bother you. as opposed to how to 'fix" your wife. This you may never do, but by changing your part of the interaction you can shift the focus away from the toxicity directed at you, and it affect on you.

You will need strong boundaries and you will need to develop the self confidence to see the big picture past your wife's immediate reactions to your boundaries.

At the end of the day pwBPD think in absolutes (black and white). Strong boundaries are black and white, even if they may seem as unfair, ultimately once the pwBPDs reaction to them settle down they are more able to cope and respect you better than if your boundaries are weak or non existent, as that leaves them with no point of reference and even more unsettled.