Perhaps there is hope

[ArleighBurke]

I have been making an effort to "romance" my BPDwife the last 2 weeks - which she seems to be liking.

After the 1st week, she asked: ":)o I make you feel appriciated - for all the things you do?"

I stumbled - what to answer? Do I tell her "the truth" - or "pat her on the head"... .?

So I went in slowly... .
"I know you appriciate the things I do - but you may not always say it. Like when I came to your work this week with flowers and lunch - the huge smile on your face showed me that I touched you - that was great! I also know that you have many mixed emotions to things I do, and your brain works a million miles an hour - so I can do something for you - and by the time you can smile and open your mouth to speak, your heart and head could be in a completely different place."

We also talked in the same conversation about having to say 5 nice comments to make up for each bad comment (she disagreed - and told me it was 7!).

She seemed to take that conversation well.

And all this week she's been VERY appriciative. Saying thankyou at least once a day (sincerely) for anything she can find I do (picking up her meds, cooking, bringing home her favourite yoghut, organising the kids).

It's nice being the good guy for a change! I think the BIG change is that *I* am showing her love in *HER* language - it's taken me a while to find it.

Perhaps there is hope!

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[SettingBorders]

So nice, you are having these conversations and that she sees what you are doing for her! Seems like she is searching a way to express her appreciantion to you.

But it also sounds very exhausting. Will you really be able to go on like this on the long run? You're setting standards that way and any diminution of your efforts will seem to her like you don't love her (enough) anymore and she might demand you to do more again or fight with you about it. So, when you loose your strength, then communicate it clearly to her that it's not because of her, but because of some other stress you're having (at work, with kids, with your health or whatever).

My second concern is that she might feel pressure for not beeing able to return the love you give to her. So, try to give her an opportunity to do you something good. Tell her, what she can do, show her, appreciate it. Create a time when she can be active.

[Notwendy]

Being romantic is nice!

I also agree with setting borders about this becoming an expectation. I felt like I was putting a lot of effort into showing my H love and attention in the marriage ( with not as much in return from him- due to my own co-dependency and low self esteem, I didn't know how to ask for that). Then, we started to have a family. Thank goodness the pregnancies were healthy, but I didn't have much energy and I had a lot of nausea.

At the time, I expected that he would see the obvious- a wife that loved him, but just wasn't up to being as energetic about it. What I didn't know is how he saw it- he assumed I was withdrawing affection and attention on purpose. He then painted me black and rejected me in return. I didn't understand what was happening or that his actions were driven from a place of feeling hurt.

I think it is great to do nice and romantic things, and to show appreciation. Just be sure that these actions are genuine every day things and not ramping things up to achieve a goal. I suspect that these actions have meaning, but that the absence of them may also take on an unintended meaning. One day you may be tired from a long day at work, forget the flowers, not be up to paying attention to her, and while you may assume she could see that you still love her even if you didn't do these things, she may associate their absence with the idea that you don't love her.

[ArleighBurke]

All true concerns... .

I used to do romantic things only when seeking an outcome (sex!). And I used to be very codependant.

But for the last 3 yrs (after I found out about BPD) I have worked hard to lose my codependance, but at the same time I really stopped loving/chasing my wife. It would be very easy for us to just be room-mates - very considerate to each other, polite, but not 'together'. I'd like to prevent that. I'd like to try to keep a healthy romance going.

I know the odds are stacked against me. My wife is not very romantic - more a practical person. She doesn't want to go on dates with me. She doesn't want to socialise with friends. She has stated "I will NEVER feel love or closeness from sex" (but she still tries thankfully). She comes home with a headache most days, and is a work-a-holic.

But I can still make her feel loved. It's taken a while to really understand her love language - I knew it was gifts and words of affirmation - but it still has to be the "right" gifts and words... .

I do these things because that's who *I* want to be. *I* want to be the husband that loves his wife and shows that. I hope that she can feel it and I hope that she can love me back - but they are her choices.

And yes I know that too much is a problem. I'm aiming for 2 special  things per week at the moment. Perhaps that will drop to 1 in a few months - we'll see.

[waverider]

The important thing is whether it makes you feel good to do it, regardless of her reaction. As opposed to doing it to make her feel good. That will be the decider as to whether you can keep it up.

Roleplaying who you would like to be, rather than who you are, is one of the downfalls of pwBPD themselves.

Consistency like everything is the great consolidator, always be very wary of "honeymooning"

[Notwendy]

I used to do romantic things only when seeking an outcome (sex!). And I used to be very codependant.

I am so glad you are doing these romantic things just for the sake of them.


Consistency like everything is the great consolidator, always be very wary of "honeymooning"

This used to puzzle me. My H could be verbally cruel, ignore me, and then out of the blue be over the top romantic. Over time, I dislike either extreme. Just be consistent.

Likewise, the romance for the outcome/sex. It has an icky sensation- feels manipulative. Not that there is a problem with having sex with your spouse, but when someone is co-dependent, it feels manipulative in a sense. I've become a bit cynical now about that kind of romance. It doesn't feel natural like being romantic for the sake of that does. I can see how that makes your wife feel loved.