Panicky. Tomorrow would have been our day.

[Hlinthewiking]

It's starting to become a routine, every month when it gets close to the 23rd day, which was the day we met, I start to panic and miss her desperately.

I just replied to a topic asking about physical abuse stating some of my past and even knowing that I still miss her more then anything.

The only person I felt somewhat connected to since we broke up, stood me up in the day that we planned to go out and slept with another man... .

Last week or so I made a list of about 20 qualities I wanted in a partner, kind of like that list from Mary Poppins, there was only 3 of the 20 items my exBPDgf didn't have... .Which was empathy, respect and emotional stability.

I feel like I made a deal with the devil asking for the perfect woman, but when he did there was a catch... .

I was searching for a picture when I was among friends this weekend and saw an old picture of myself and my exBPDgf, my heart skipped a beat and I tried not to show, but it stayed in my head until now. This is so unfair, I wouldn't have traded her for any woman in the world, I would have died for her and I'm sure she loved me too.

[Moselle]

The only person I felt somewhat connected to since we broke up, stood me up in the day that we planned to go out and slept with another man... .

Hlinthewiking, sorry it's getting tough for you. I had a similar experience where I was still attracted to women who were dysfunctional, after my BPD ex.

Why do you think you had a connection?

[elfyguy]

Hi Hlinthewiking,

What were the 17 on the list?

[Hlinthewiking]

  Moselle

Thank you.

I'm not very sure, I know I like shorter girls that look delicate and sweet and despite she wasn't as attractive as I usually aim for and very different from my exBPDgf, I felt attracted to her on our first date, I guess is what people call "chemistry". I took it easy and tried to keep my expectations to what was happening in reality and not in my idealization. I decided it was worth investing because I noticed she was not Cluster B for sure*, but I always felt something off about her, she was afraid of everything and very anxious, she was very hard to read because she makes faces that don't seem to represent her feelings. The day she did those things to me was the only time she did something bad, but it was like she went completely crazy.

I think she has attachment issues, she had a problematic childhood, she was adopted and before 2 years old she didn't get close to any of the other kids. She told me she didn't like when people didn't like her.

*She is very anxious, didn't seem to be dramatic and accepted feedback, appeared to be empathic, she seemed to retribute my affections, if I hugged her, she would hug me back. I'd have put her on Cluster C.

  elfyguy
I got to be honest, I think half of it were physical/sexual, that's the part that I miss the most. But the rest were things like interests as in music/movies, playfulness... .My exBPDgf was liked the same things I did, we were very similar, even on the traumas. In idealization my exBPDgf was a joy, she was funny and made jokes and pranks on me ;( I miss that. I used to say that she was 3 different people and I only loved one of them, there was the woman I loved who was loving, knew how to make me happy and had the most beautiful smile in the world, then there was the dissociative depressed girl that could stare at a wall for hours and feel nothing but the void inside her, finally there was the hurtful little girl that blamed me for all her wrong doings.

I broke down today driving home thinking of her, because I honestly don't think she will ever be happy if she doesn't change. I wish she could be with me and be happy, but the thought that I couldn't stand the abuse much longer makes me feel like I doomed her to oblivion. This kind of information isn't much available in my country and she doesn't even speak English, I really wanted to help her but she wouldn't accept her condition, she would agree with the symptoms, but she said that was the way she had to protect herself and she didn't want to change.

[elfyguy]

Hey  Hlinthewiking,

For me, my ex was a lot like my mother: smothering, kind, loving and a people-pleaser(not the BPD part). A few times I had a Freudian slip and called my ex my mother and my mother my ex - not one of my best moments  my ex actually did the same with me and her father. When you mentioned her smile, it seems like there's something more to her than just her looks.

Why are you trying so hard to change her, even if it's making you suffer in the process?  

[Hlinthewiking]

  elfyguy

That's definitely not my case, I don't have the best relationship with my mother or my father, but in fact she treated me somewhat like I treat my mother, I just don't abuse my mother physically or verbally, but I avoid contact (as in my replies goes towards "leave me alone, I don't want to talk right now" and I'm not very nice to her unfortunately.

Since we aren't together anymore there isn't much I can do. But the reason I wanted to change her was because I saw her suffering, behind the abuse she was in so much pain, the only reason she attacked me was because she decided to blame me for all her feelings. When she was at home alone she would tell me about her feeling of emptiness and the void, I also feel this way, I know exactly how she feels, but I didn't feel like that with her, I only feel complete in a relationship. I was literally scared at her dissociation episodes or whatever people wanna call it, she became almost catatonic, it was scary, I couldn't snap her out of it and when she came out of it she would always attack me.

I just wanted to change her so she would stop suffering so much. If she went thru therapy and maybe took medication, I think she could improve a lot.

[Moselle]

Hlinthewiking,

There is dynamic which develops where the borderline needs someone to offload the pain and intensity onto.
 
 A 'Caretaker' takes on this role and they often feel like it is their mission to help.

Can I suggest a book. It is high instructive by Fjelstad. It's the best book I've read on recovering from this.

https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist

[elfyguy]

Hlinthewiking, I also have the caretaker personality. For me, I grew up as people-pleaser and perfectionist traits.
I used to want to help everyone but I've realised, emotionally, that suffering can be a force for good. I needed that suffering my ex gave me when she finally ended it.
I had to feel that pain to finally understand and have a glimpse of who I am. You're trying to help her, and I'm guessing people in general, but sometimes what you're doing is just enabling their neurosis. I would've gone back to her if I had the chance during the emotionally difficult times. I was even willing to marry her. The pain was so intense that I was willing to give up everything for her. I am so happy she found someone new and didn't give in to my plea. This is why I look at some members and see them going back. I wouldn't go back, but that's because I HAD to feel that pain and reflect over it.

Do you focus so much on people or your ex that you lose yourself and how you're feeling in the moment?