close to breakup

[Depression = 72% of members]

I am new to this, and for 8 months I have been seeing a counselor after my wife and I had a massive fight where accusations of violent abuse led us to seek help. I have been in therapy now for weekly session (as much as I can), while she goes for sporadic sessions where she feels that I have the problem, when in fact, even my therapy is about dealing with her.

recently (3 days ago) we had an argument over cleaning the microwave... .and since then she's been spiraling out of control, suggesting that we end the marriage, while also regularly bringing up almost every example from the past to say I am still temperamental and never able to change and that she has nothing left for me

the fact is, almost every occasion of moodiness or fight comes as the result of her making strong accusations and "attacks"... .I have resorted to recording some of the outbursts because she doesn't seem to realise when she is attacking.

I don't know what to do... .and hope for some advice and help. I do love her, and want to maintain our marriage, we have excellent happy times but are very poor at managing small disputes which often blow out of proportion - storm in a teacup for most, but her reactions are very strong and I struggle with that.

[longshot666]

I am new to this, and for 8 months I have been seeing a counselor after my wife and I had a massive fight where accusations of violent abuse led us to seek help. I have been in therapy now for weekly session (as much as I can), while she goes for sporadic sessions where she feels that I have the problem, when in fact, even my therapy is about dealing with her.

recently (3 days ago) we had an argument over cleaning the microwave... .and since then she's been spiraling out of control, suggesting that we end the marriage, while also regularly bringing up almost every example from the past to say I am still temperamental and never able to change and that she has nothing left for me

the fact is, almost every occasion of moodiness or fight comes as the result of her making strong accusations and "attacks"... .I have resorted to recording some of the outbursts because she doesn't seem to realise when she is attacking.

I don't know what to do... .and hope for some advice and help. I do love her, and want to maintain our marriage, we have excellent happy times but are very poor at managing small disputes which often blow out of proportion - storm in a teacup for most, but her reactions are very strong and I struggle with that.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Meili]

The strong emotions are very difficult to deal with and can cause all sorts of damage to not only the relationship, but to you. The good news is that there may be a way to ease the intensity and frequency of the outbursts.

The first thing that you need to do is stop the bleeding. There is a link to an article on ending conflict in the sidebar to the right of this page. It is a good place to start.

Learning new communication skills will be a big help in easing the tension that you're experiencing.

Can you tell us a little about how you respond to her when she becomes emotionally aroused?

[VitaminC]

I do love her, and want to maintain our marriage, we have excellent happy times but are very poor at managing small disputes which often blow out of proportion - storm in a teacup for most, but her reactions are very strong and I struggle with that.

Hi longshot,

I'd like to join Meili in welcoming you. You will find a lot of practical tips and insights from members to help you manage the relationship with your wife. The one on Ending Conflict that Meili referred to is definitely a good start. It's here: https://bpdfamily.com/content/ending-conflict

It's good that you're seeing a counselor. Are you finding that helpful? How long are you together and have things always been as they are now or are there periods with a different dynamic?  Are there any particular triggers for either of you that you've identified?

Keep posting and telling us more. It's good to have you here. Take care of yourself.

[longshot666]

thanks for the support, I have found several articles of use, and I do believe its a question of perseverance... .while staying supportive and reassuring her that I am committed - even when she is pushing for a split... .found that it helps... .and add rational thinking for when she has calmed... .appreciate all the advice and agree, its not easy, but i shall commit to investing myself to grow us.