Grieving the Death of My 20-Plus Year Marriage

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

This is my first blog / post on any sharing site.  Have read so many of the life stories posted here, figured it was time I shared some of mine. 

Blindsided by so much during the later years in marriage, I am trying to find peace in knowing the pathology that existed is gone.  My husband took a  personality test and it came back what his Counselor expected, borderline, among other personalty dis-order traits and depression.

My college best friend became my husband in 1995.  He moved out 4-weeks ago.  Emotionally I am a mess, the volatility in the house is gone, no more walking on egg shells, I can sleep (sorta), still not great but I can sleep at least he is not waking me up in the middle of the night asking me why I am not holding him, no more being in trouble, in trouble for not initiating holding his hand and stopping everything that I am doing to run and greet him at the door, no more needing to say thank you for every task he did, not worried about spending time with my friends and our own daughters, no more death threats, no more threats in general, no more your not giving me what I need, no more you don't love me, no more thinking about how every word coming out of my mouth was going to sound to him.  It's like he is just a ghost here.  Said he never needed friends, just me, what is going on?  Said his whole life has been an act and who he has been is not really who he is?  Who then did I marry? 

Feeling pretty empty, but living so unhealthily for years has taken its toll on me mentally and physically.  Sure for the past few years I quietly anticipated this time would come, yet somehow I never expected to feel so sad.  I miss him and the things we enjoyed fishing, golfing, him cooking for me, going to dinner, to a movie.  The usual becomes the unusual and even though this is a better place, it angers me to know his choices almost 7-years ago put us / me and our daughters in this broken place.  Yes he cheated on me with a woman who still works for him.  Saved her job years later, makes sure she gets paid well and I think may end up with her.  A year or so before cheated on me he said he was losing himself.  He told me one Christmas Day Eve that our marriage was over and that he just needed to find a house for me and the girls and to figure out how he would take care of us financially.  I about wanted to die.  At the time, we had sold our house, we were in temporary living, and working on designing our new home, lot purchased in cash and ready to go.  He was closing a deal at work (selling the majority of the company), lots of late hours, it was going to be great for 2-owners who promised to pay him a closing bonus, which he learned was not going to happen, rather he would have to write them a big check to become partner. This is when life cliff dived, although life with my spouse was NEVER easy.  I will always love him,  I think I will always grieve the life I hoped we would have had, past, present and future. One of the smartest men I will ever meet, but the underlying illness surged and took him away.  There are so many things he said and did that are not post-able here.  Three days after he moved out, he is already buying a house, closing on it next week, spending and running.  A fantastic provider who I hope finds real happiness for himself.  He told me he has hated himself since he was 10 and never loved by his parents.  He said he married me hoping I would change to give him what he needed. 

Last comments are I have 2-beautiful daughters, I fought to save my family, my marriage for 3-years after he cheated trying to be perfect for him to make him happy and in the end I was exhausted, he was not happy and the light bulb went off when he said he took himself to the Dr. to get on meds to find out why he was so miserable with himself and so unhappy.  He has been on so many meds, as was initially diagnosed bipolar, but no meds worked, then borderline was the change in diagnosis which explained, I think why previous meds did not work.  I have my faith and believe God gave me peace in knowing in the end it was not me.  I am not perfect, we can all be better spouses, but we cannot no fix the unfixable.  My spouse saw me as the reason for his unhappiness (blame target) and his entire fix, I cannot be both.  It was always others that he blamed for his unhappiness.

Looking forward to getting myself back and praying that this soft landing continues for me and my daughters.  Thanks for listening... .

[Northshore]

This is my first blog / post on any sharing site.  Have read so many of the life stories posted here, figured it was time I shared some of mine. 

Blindsided by so much during the later years in marriage, I am trying to find peace in knowing the pathology that existed is gone.  My husband took a  personality test and it came back what his Counselor expected, borderline, among other personalty dis-order traits and depression.

My college best friend became my husband in 1995.  He moved out 4-weeks ago.  Emotionally I am a mess, the volatility in the house is gone, no more walking on egg shells, I can sleep (sorta), still not great but I can sleep at least he is not waking me up in the middle of the night asking me why I am not holding him, no more being in trouble, in trouble for not initiating holding his hand and stopping everything that I am doing to run and greet him at the door, no more needing to say thank you for every task he did, not worried about spending time with my friends and our own daughters, no more death threats, no more threats in general, no more your not giving me what I need, no more you don't love me, no more thinking about how every word coming out of my mouth was going to sound to him.  It's like he is just a ghost here.  Said he never needed friends, just me, what is going on?  Said his whole life has been an act and who he has been is not really who he is?  Who then did I marry? 

Feeling pretty empty, but living so unhealthily for years has taken its toll on me mentally and physically.  Sure for the past few years I quietly anticipated this time would come, yet somehow I never expected to feel so sad.  I miss him and the things we enjoyed fishing, golfing, him cooking for me, going to dinner, to a movie.  The usual becomes the unusual and even though this is a better place, it angers me to know his choices almost 7-years ago put us / me and our daughters in this broken place.  Yes he cheated on me with a woman who still works for him.  Saved her job years later, makes sure she gets paid well and I think may end up with her.  A year or so before cheated on me he said he was losing himself.  He told me one Christmas Day Eve that our marriage was over and that he just needed to find a house for me and the girls and to figure out how he would take care of us financially.  I about wanted to die.  At the time, we had sold our house, we were in temporary living, and working on designing our new home, lot purchased in cash and ready to go.  He was closing a deal at work (selling the majority of the company), lots of late hours, it was going to be great for 2-owners who promised to pay him a closing bonus, which he learned was not going to happen, rather he would have to write them a big check to become partner. This is when life cliff dived, although life with my spouse was NEVER easy.  I will always love him,  I think I will always grieve the life I hoped we would have had, past, present and future. One of the smartest men I will ever meet, but the underlying illness surged and took him away.  There are so many things he said and did that are not post-able here.  Three days after he moved out, he is already buying a house, closing on it next week, spending and running.  A fantastic provider who I hope finds real happiness for himself.  He told me he has hated himself since he was 10 and never loved by his parents.  He said he married me hoping I would change to give him what he needed. 

Last comments are I have 2-beautiful daughters, I fought to save my family, my marriage for 3-years after he cheated trying to be perfect for him to make him happy and in the end I was exhausted, he was not happy and the light bulb went off when he said he took himself to the Dr. to get on meds to find out why he was so miserable with himself and so unhappy.  He has been on so many meds, as was initially diagnosed bipolar, but no meds worked, then borderline was the change in diagnosis which explained, I think why previous meds did not work.  I have my faith and believe God gave me peace in knowing in the end it was not me.  I am not perfect, we can all be better spouses, but we cannot no fix the unfixable.  My spouse saw me as the reason for his unhappiness (blame target) and his entire fix, I cannot be both.  It was always others that he blamed for his unhappiness.

Looking forward to getting myself back and praying that this soft landing continues for me and my daughters.  Thanks for listening... .

[hergestridge]

It was 20 years for me also. It's a long time. Your story resonates with me. The calm and relief after the breakup but also the sorrow of the "good times". What I gradually came to understand was that the "good times" during all those years was in fact the happy day I had and I associated them with the person I was with. But basically I was happy when she let me be and then BAM there were the accusations and the negativity again. That's how abuse works. Eventually you feel that the height of happiness is being left alone.

[amunt]

In a no way a borderline can stay in a relationship for so long, most of them stay max 2 years

[heartandwhole]

Hi Northshore,



My heart goes out to you. I can feel the sadness in your post. I felt that way, too, after the end of my relationship with pwBPD. I'm sorry that you have to go through this. Twenty years is a long time and a significant portion of your life. I hope you will be gentle with yourself as you grieve this loss. After my breakup with someone with BPD, I felt like I was grieving many losses—most likely from my childhood—not just the end of a relationship. It was very difficult, but today I am actually grateful for having grown and learned from the experience.

You've found a great place for support here. Members have been through similar experiences, and understand what you are going through. The site also has tons of resources and tools to help make things better. And things really DO get better, Northshore. You are not alone in this, and there is hope for a much brighter future. 

How old are your daughters and how are they coping with things right now? Do you have supportive friends and/or family? Have you seen a therapist yourself? My therapist really helped me understand and work through my feelings after the breakup.

Keep writing, Northshore, and let us know how we can best support you. That's why we're here.

heartandwhole

[heartandwhole]

In a no way a borderline can stay in a relationship for so long, most of them stay max 2 years

Hi amunt,

A person with BPD is an individual, with his/her own unique personality, and can remain in a long term relationship. I can think of several examples right here on this site. That doesn't rule out times of instability, impulsiveness, etc. The duration and quality of any relationship depends on many, many factors that can't be generalized merely because one parter is diagnosed or exhibits traits of a disorder.

heartandwhole

[Sadly]

Hi
I have been with mine for 2 years however previous to that he was with his partner for 21 years and has a 19 year old son. Some say they get better with age but in my case I think he is getting worse. I don't think there is a definitive time.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Northshore

Welcome to BPD family.  Glad you made your first post - a very big step in the healing process.

20 years is a very long time, divorce after that long even without BPD is difficult.  Sounds as if you have made some progress in understanding the disorder.  It is completely understandable about wanting to preserve the dreams of the past, present and future.  I tried to do this with my marriage of 11 years and was not successful.  A hallmark of the disorder is that the fear of abandonment actually creates the circumstances that lead to that outcome.  The harder we try and prevent this, the more real it becomes.  It really is an exhausting cycle of overcoming the difficulties of a disorder that the person with cannot see. 

Where do you stand now?   Are you in contact with your ex?  How are the children and do you have a support network to utilize.

Best, JRB

[StayStrongNow]

Northshore, I thank you so much for your post. First, I am so sorry that this happened to you. On the other hand I think you already have acquired a great understanding of your situation.

You eloquently described what I can relate to with my 10 year marriage with my ustbxBPDw. My story is different but you describe the BPD traits that are identical as mine. My story is in the link below.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=298560.msg12799713#msg12799713

You started by stating what you will not have to deal with anymore. Personally I think this is a great thing.

And the following quote is huge to understand:

He said he married me hoping I would change to give him what he needed.  

We can't change ourselves, a pwBPD or anyone else for that matter to make other people happy, it needs to come from within the person's own soul.

Thank you again for your post, in my opinion you are on a great path already to move on. But I can sympathize with your hurt, it does hurt but this season will pass.

Please keep posting Northshore your post helped me too.

[Herodias]

Thank you for sharing your story and welcome... .sorry you are in this situation. I can relate to you in some ways as well... .I was with mine for half the time you were. What stood out was all of the trademarks of BPD. Buying a home and some jobs  can be difficult for them to maintain. Mine had many affairs at work as he move up the ladder. It was Christmas when it all came to a halt for me too. He had a woman in my bed, so I could not forgive that. He told me all the same stories your told you. Mine got violent with me too though... .We did not have kids, I had a miscarriage and chose not to have any more with him. ... .he just had a baby with another one of his affairs though... .I feel sorry for the child that he has. It sounds like yours wasn't as bad as mine, but they don't like themselves and they lead other lives while with us... .that is what he meant by he is not the man you think he is... .Plus, they try and be what they think we want them to be and they maintain it as long as possible. I will tell you that you have been a wonderful wife, they have to be getting allot from us to last that long. Maybe we were just sacrificing ourselves, but I am sure you believed you married for better or worse as I did and we accepted all that came our way. You can only do so much. Try and have a peaceful life now. It will be very difficult. At least you have your family to keep you busy and distracted. Get out and get around normal people when you can... .He may try and come back... .Mine did, even after he got this current one pregnant, before we got divorced. Don't fall for it. The mask has fallen, you will be in worse shape if you go back... .It is your turn to make yourself happy. You will have lots of ups and downs... .You have to learn to live normal again. It is more difficult than you know... .Learn all that you can to help you... .I wish you all the best. xo

[Northshore]

It means so much that each of you took the time to reply to my post.

This struggle we face, have faced, continue to face is truly challenging.  My girls see other father figures and wish their Dad was like them.  My older daughter, 18 only recently said it is going to take a long time for her to forgive him, but there is progress in that thought.  She does not feel like she had much of a Dad, especially these last few years and with all the focus on his struggles and our failing marriage awkward, pouty, irritable sulky behavior which hit a peak over the summer, overshadowed her college departure.  So much change and transition all at once with him leaving the house a week after we moved her into her dorm room.  My 17 year old is blinded by his spoiling her with sushi dinners and the like.  He charged her into our panty about 2 years ago when she called up to him to ask him for help in unloading groceries.  When he grocery shopped we were expected to help, she called up to him, she did not know he was sleeping and literally ran her into the pantry and held his fist in her face.  I don't remember but she tells me I was throwing food at him to back away from her.  He wrote he a letter apologizing.  She has moved on  from that memory and realizes that was not normal but feels bad for him because he has few to no friends, and knows he will baby her if she gives him the right attention.  I have never encouraged the kids to ever choose sides and always tell them he loves them and I do see with me out of the picture that love-hate piece that fueled him (exhausted) me is removed, he is trying with them.  Although he may cut and run at any time, I don't see that happening. I think with this new house he will use it to attract them, already talking about buying a hot tub.  They like things and he is good about buying them things.  As long as he is taking care of them, I know they will want him in their lives. 

I will post more later, just need to try and get rid of some of my anger, it is really killing me and I think I have lost half of my hair in the past few months from all the elevated stress.