CONSTANT accusations

[josephrl82]

I have had to deal with cheating accusations on almost a daily basis.  Some of the accusations are completely out of this world wacky.  In the beginning I would beg her to forgive me and fight tooth and nail to prove my innocence.  I even went as far as taking, and passing, two polygraph tests, which did absolutely no good what so ever.
She has made some seriously disgusting accusations.  Some of the things I have been accused of make my stomach turn that she could seriously think I'm that disturbed of a human being.
Do they really believe the accusations that they place on their SO?  Or do they know that they are completely false, but cannot help themselves in making them?

[formflier]

Not much time... I'll give a quick response.

The "feel" like they are true at the moment they make them... .to their core.

As you found out... ."proving yourself innocent" does no good.  It actually makes it worse.

Once you understand that your "reaction/response" feeds or "snuffs out" this particular problem.

This is very different that saying this issue is "your fault". 

Can you give a word for word example of an accusation and your response.  We can help lay out a new strategy.

This can get much... .much better... .without your partners cooperation.

FF

[Lucky Jim]

In the beginning I would beg her to forgive me and fight tooth and nail to prove my innocence.  I even went as far as taking, and passing, two polygraph tests, which did absolutely no good what so ever.

Hey Joseph, Right, it's pointless to engage in this sort of debate, because it's impossible to "prove" a negative (that you haven't cheated) and it's more about her perception than the reality.  One could say that it's typical BPD insecure behavior due to fear of abandonment.  Suggest you decline to participate in responding to such allegations and, instead, just validate her insecure feelings.

LuckyJim

[Mutt]

One could say that it's typical BPD insecure behavior due to fear of abandonment.  Suggest you decline to participate in responding to such allegations and, instead, just validate her insecure feelings.

A pwBPD have an innate fear of rejection and anticipate that they will be rejected real or not, I'd like to add that a pwBPD don't trust themselves and others, you'r inadvertantly giving her attention by defending yourself, negative attention is still attention and re-enforces dysfunctional behavior.

A valuable tool to minimize and eliminate conflict is to not JADE, don't Justify Argue, Defend or Explain, my ex wife may believe that the sky is red and I could argue with her exhaustively that the sky is in fact blue, her reality is as real to her as my reality is to me, this is what she's accustomed to. I'd also like to add that another criteria for BPD are rigid thought patterns, we can get bogged down with trying to explain or defend against a pwBPD's magical thinking.

Also keep in mind that you don't to validate the invalid, validate something that is valid if it's there, with that in mind, I will say things once to my ex wife, maybe twice but if she keeps asking, I don't JADE and the conflict ends because it takes two and a boundary is that I don't participate, she can think what she wants to think, it doesn't change fact.

Don't "JADE" (justify, argue, defend, explain)

A 3 Minute Lesson on Ending Conflict