Networking with BPD partner

[foodlover]

I just don't know what to do. My type of work isn't just punching a time card, doing my thing for 8 hours and clocking out. I have to travel, network and find new clients. Often times I have to meet all kinds of new people both men and women but its still majority men. Often times you have to go to events that don't earn money but usually gets a new client that could bring in lots of money. My UBPD SO just cant accept. When I tell her I have to go to an event around 5:30pm it always sinks into misunderstandings and jealous reactions. It starts with the questions. Oh the questions. She can ask questions for HOURS.

Her: Why do you have to go to this? Why do they have food and drinks? Who is going to be there so important that you have to go? Why is it after work hours. You should be home not out socializing. Talking to people isn't working. Its not making you any money. Its not work. Its playing. Why do you need to go if you have plenty of work right now? What if there are girls there? What if they want to talk to you about something other than work? What if they ask you to grab dinner with them? What if they try to touch you?

I try so hard to help her understand this is just how you run a business. I try to reassure her when it comes to other women that I would never let any female do that. I also offer to bring her with me. I always tell her I would be proud to have her there and I would love her to go.

Her: You don't really want me to go. I don't want to go anyways. I don't want you to ignore me or leave me in the corner when you talk to a bunch of people I don't know. I don't want you showing off how important you are or talk to females in front of me.

I ask her what can we do? How can we make this work.

Her: You don't need to do these things. Its just an excuse to get away and socialize. You have a website. That's how you get clients and you have work now. No need to go out trying to get more.

She just cant understand that I have had a website for years and never once got a job from it. All my clients come from personally meeting them at events like this.

The part that kills me is we can go on for hours where I try to comfort her and assure her worries but in the end she gets tired, shuts down and pushes me away. She may not talk the rest of the night or she will go to bed early with her face in the corner lying there all depressed. Sometimes sulking or crying. I feel terrible but at the same time its been months since I went to an even trying to get new clients and my work is running dry. I need new clients to sustain but Im afraid of what it will do to her.

I don't know what to do honestly. I feel like a jerk saying "get over it" and just letting her cry and act depressed. At the same time I'm letting her control me to the point Im going to go broke or have to get a new career trying to "Please" her.

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[livednlearned]

Hi foodlover,

She sounds anxious and afraid, both to let you go with you, and to be left alone. Much of her behavior and words sound like a person who feels terribly inadequate and scared.

How does she respond when you validate those feelings?

It might help to offer her structure and routine, let her know with advance warning that you have an event. Tell her when you find out, then tell her the day before, the morning of, and again in advance before it starts. Give her a choice to attend, and be clear that you want her to come and are ok if she decides to stay home. Reassure her that you will be home and talk about what you two can do together when you're back together.

Asking you so many questions is about her anxiety, there will never be enough answers to satisfy her. Sometimes, it helps to focus on the structure and routine around your behavior. Pad it with validation so she knows you accept her feelings. And then stick to your event. Don't justify, argue, defend, explain (JADE) because it will feel to her like you aren't acknowledging how she feels, and that is what is driving her actions and making her emotionally aroused.

If she brings up her fears re: other women, say your piece once and tell her you've said all there is to say on the topic. Validate her and repeat the same phrase if you need to.

How do you think that might work with her?

[foodlover]

I don't know if it is fear or control. She tunes out any validation. Its so hard to validate too. Its hard to know what I can validate when most of what she is worried about is speculation about things I have never or never will do. To validate is to confirm, acknowledge someone's truth, approve etc... .How can I validate without throwing myself under the bus and saying "Oh yes I am sorry I am that horrible guy and it makes sense you feel so upset because if I go to this event I will just end up sleeping with a female I meet there". Nothing about validation makes sense.

I do let her know in advance. A week, days, the day before, the day of and I continue to offer her to come with me. I have been avoiding going because she disregulates the whole week. This week has been a mess. She picks fights over EVERYTHING. Last night she got so angry because she was in the bathroom and I was in another room while she asked me a question. I didn't hear her so I asked... .what did you say? She stormed out of the bathroom in a rage saying I never listen to her and I don't care. We argued about that for a while. Thinking logically I said "how can I hear what your saying when I am cleaning from dinner in the kitchen and your 2 rooms away with the door closed?" Anyone would think that's just normal and nothing to get upset about. She just kept saying I don't care about what she says and she means nothing to me.

I got so angry defending myself over nothing. So ridiculous. But this is the SCARY part. She does this sometimes and it freaks me out. The more upset I got and the more I defended myself it looked as though she was actually enjoying it. She started smirking and laughing. Then she started talking in a baby voice and asking "Is (my name) angry? Oh look at you so mad". She said this with a baby voice and laughed after. Then left the house and slammed the door.

I was absolutely raging at that point. All I can think is WOW what is she. Is she possessed by a demon or something?

She came back a few hours later and apologized and hugged me acting sweet but not even 2 minutes later started talking about me saying the things I did wrong. Started saying I need to control my anger and how I need to see someone because she is scared of me. WHAT? Seriously?

When I tried to explain that everything was going fine until she started a fight with me because I didn't hear her she started saying that she was just trying to tell me how she felt and I got mad at her for no reason. None of its true. She was very upset as soon as she came out of the bathroom and chastising me before I even said one word. I wasn't mad. Just telling her the truth that I was in another room and she started yelling. Yes I started yelling after but this whole thing is twisted to turn around on me like I started the fight and she is the victim. Now she is saying... .I will forgive you for acting out but try to be better next time. WHAT? This is nuts!

[livednlearned]

Nothing about validation makes sense.

Validation is a skill. It took me a while to figure it out, how to validate the valid, so to speak. You are not validating what she is saying, you are validating the feeling. Find something in it that you can empathize with. "It can feel scary to trust. It can be hard to be alone. I have felt that way, too."

You can add other things to help her remember she handled this ok before in the past, and that she has choices. "I am going to the event and I will be back in 2 hours. If you want to come with me, we can stay close. If you chose to stay home, that's ok too. Remember how it worked last time I did this? Everything worked out ok and we had a nice time after I got home."

That kind of thing.

Anyone would think that's just normal and nothing to get upset about. She just kept saying I don't care about what she says and she means nothing to me.

She feels really inadequate and insecure, and is prone to extreme sensitivity and then moods that are hard to control. She struggles to trust, herself the most.

I got so angry defending myself over nothing. So ridiculous. But this is the SCARY part. She does this sometimes and it freaks me out. The more upset I got and the more I defended myself it looked as though she was actually enjoying it.

She sees that you can feel the way she feels, it's a way to get validation. Sometimes, with my BPD loved one, I have found it helps to show more emotion. When my facial expression is neutral and my tone is calm, she interprets it as I am not interested, not listening, not caring.

She started smirking and laughing. Then she started talking in a baby voice and asking "Is (my name) angry? Oh look at you so mad". She said this with a baby voice and laughed after. Then left the house and slammed the door.

It sounds like she may be acting out a punitive parent. When your role changed, hers did too.

I was absolutely raging at that point. All I can think is WOW what is she. Is she possessed by a demon or something?

She is working out unfinished business through her interactions with close others, like you. Some describe this as a type of dissociation, where you are the screen and she is projecting these dynamics onto you and the relationship. We all do this to some extent.

When I tried to explain that everything was going fine until she started a fight with me because I didn't hear her she started saying that she was just trying to tell me how she felt and I got mad at her for no reason.

It is more than just learning to validate, it's about creating a validating environment. She feels inadequate, insecure, unlovable, she struggles to trust others, herself the most. Her moods rocket quickly and it is hard for her to examine anything below the highest emotional watermark. There is definitely more responsibility as her partner to be the emotional leader.