So Tired

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It's been 2 months since I've seen her or heard her voice.

I don't feel any better. People keep asking me why I'm not over it yet, incredulously, as though you just "get over" something like this. Today I came home from work sick, and I just wanted her to be here so badly. I wanted to come home and find her sitting on the couch, snuggle up with her and put on a movie like we used to.

Getting through each day is so exhausting. Stay busy, keep the thoughts out, try to occupy the mind with something else, try to fall asleep and stay asleep until morning... .hope she doesn't show up in my dreams. It's so tiring. It doesn't seem like a way to live. I wish I could see a light at the end but I just don't. I love her and miss her so much and I just can't figure out why she doesn't feel the same.

[JJacks0]

It's been 2 months since I've seen her or heard her voice.

I don't feel any better. People keep asking me why I'm not over it yet, incredulously, as though you just "get over" something like this. Today I came home from work sick, and I just wanted her to be here so badly. I wanted to come home and find her sitting on the couch, snuggle up with her and put on a movie like we used to.

Getting through each day is so exhausting. Stay busy, keep the thoughts out, try to occupy the mind with something else, try to fall asleep and stay asleep until morning... .hope she doesn't show up in my dreams. It's so tiring. It doesn't seem like a way to live. I wish I could see a light at the end but I just don't. I love her and miss her so much and I just can't figure out why she doesn't feel the same.

[JJacks0]

I know I shouldn't analyze social media.

But I see a post on her Facebook that's like, "Great seeing you out Thursday night <3" from some person I've never met.
And a bunch of pictures from her "country vacation" that she's on now. Of course she looks great.
And happy. And all these people are "liking" the pictures - people I don't know and people that she *used* to know and stopped talking to once we started dating.

This just looks like confirmation that she's completely unaffected by the loss of me.
I won't ever hear from her again.

[patientandclear]

My sense is that that is both true and untrue.  Yes, they may go about their lives appearing unaffected.  Mechanisms are likely at work that assist in making that feel like the right choice.  And yet ... .a lot of that stuff is pretty superficial.  I look happy in photos too.  Looking in from the outside, you'd think my life was remarkably full and together and happy.  I'm super sad much of the time though.  I just don't make that evident.

My ex goes about his life, he does activities, pursues new interests, meets new people.  And.  He carries a deep loneliness with him.  When he periodically gets in touch with me, there's this feeling of deep thirst for real connection.  He is fundamentally alone.  His impulses and relationship practices guarantee it, though it is periodically obscured by the appearance of and hope for meaningful connection.

He chooses that because, it seems, he keeps thinking it may play out differently.  But it keeps not playing out differently.

So he is both engaged and active and interested and entertained at some level, and, at a deeper level, worried and lonely.  Both are true, as best I can tell. Could be the case with your ex as well.

[JJacks0]

That's a good point. I guess I look happy in photos too, although I'm quite the opposite.

But as you said, your ex gets in touch from time to time. Mine does not. This is a large part of what makes me think she is content without me. If she were lonely/searching for a connection, she knows right where I am and that the door is still open.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hey JJacks-

It's been 2 months since I've seen her or heard her voice.

I don't feel any better. People keep asking me why I'm not over it yet, incredulously, as though you just "get over" something like this.

I'm sorry you're in that place, I was drunk all the time at 2 months out, not recommended, but these things take time.  You don't get over a 7 year relationship in a short time; it takes what it takes, but what if you set your sights on a year?  That would probably be more realistic, and the best thing you can do is take very good care of yourself, eat right, sleep enough, exercise some, spend time with supportive people, but not talking about her.

And of course cyberstalking doesn't help, and even though we're tempted, focus on how you feel after you see some smiling picture of her or someone's positive comment; if you focus on how that makes you feel it might dissuade you from looking. 

And the cool thing about setting some date in the future as a goal, it shifts your focus from the past to the future, an necessary step in detaching, and while you're at it, also start shifting the focus from her to you.  Grieving and processing emotions are necessary steps, and they may not feel good, but if you have a goal in mind as you go through them it makes it easier to stay on track.  The only way out is through.  And take care of you!

[patientandclear]

That's a good point. I guess I look happy in photos too, although I'm quite the opposite.

But as you said, your ex gets in touch from time to time. Mine does not. This is a large part of what makes me think she is content without me. If she were lonely/searching for a connection, she knows right where I am and that the door is still open.

He gets in touch every ten months or so. When he does it does me no good as nothing has changed.

[JJacks0]

Wow. That's quite the pattern. What makes him contact you generally?

[Larmoyant]

My ex gets in touch too and all it's done is prolong the misery. It's been 8 months since the break-up and nothing good has come from it. It seems to me as if the pull/push game is continuing despite the relationship being over. He pops up giving the impression he wants to get back with me only to wish me "all the best". He uses this to say goodbye,again and again, just as he did in the relationship. I wished I'd ripped the band-aid straight off. This is self-inflicted torture. I'm sorry you're hurting JJacksO.

[petedrexler]

JJacks0:

So sorry you're feeling this way. I can sure relate. I agree with fromheeltoheal: there's nothing at the end of Facebook other than a rabbit hole. I know it's difficult. You and I are on a similar chronology, and each day is a different emotional experience. A week ago I was feeling great. Now, not so much. My exBPDgf is constantly on my mind, and it drives me nuts. I know she's with other men. blah blah blah.

I like fromheeltoheal's suggestion to look forward. I'm trying to do that. Again, some days it's impossible. I'm frustrated and angry that this break up has been so difficult. But that's just my reality. So many things in my life are better now that she's out of it. Having said that, I still miss her (as you miss yours).

Hang in there.

Pete

[JJacks0]

Thanks heeltoheal.

I have to admit I've been drinking much more too. It's something I used to do occasionally, but not like this. I miss just being content at home with her. I don't like the way I am right now.

I appreciate your advice - I'm set to graduate in May and at that point (assuming nothing changes) I really think I might move out of state. Not necessarily to run away, but just to have a change of scenery, meet new people, and be somewhere where I'm not constantly reminded of her. It's impossible to go anywhere here without triggering some sort of memory with her. So that is a future goal of mine. It makes me really sad to think about doing these things without her... .we had always planned on doing them together. But it seems like one of the only ways to get by.

[JJacks0]

Thank you Pete and Larmoyant, for your responses. I'm sorry to hear about what you're both going through.

I have been reading your other posts, Larmoyant, and I know you were finally starting to feel better before this latest contact.

Do you know why he keeps trying to reengage you? Is it a recycle attempt or an exertion of control to see if you're still there? Do you think if you didn't respond he would cease to try? Forgive me if you've already explained this, I can't recall the specifics. At any rate, I hope you're feeling better again soon.

I saw a graphic the other day that showed a heart rate and said, "Healing Isn't Linear." So true.

[patientandclear]

Wow. That's quite the pattern. What makes him contact you generally?

He sort of loves me More to the point, he knows I care about him.

Said another way: we have a lovely relationship if you don't look at the terms and definitions. We get along great. I know his stuff and he knows mine. I believe he gets sad and lonely when his other plans for life happiness fall through and other would-be partners prove no more able to avoid triggering his crappy feelings than their predecessors. At those times I am an appealing and comforting idea. And so, he checks in. And we check to see if there is any way we can be in one another's lives in a meaningful way. And because of our respective fears and apprehensions, or because I have a boundary that he reacts negatively to, one of us rapidly concludes that we can't. And another ten months go by. And ... .

[JJacks0]

Ah, got it. I wonder if that will ever happen with my ex or if she'll just block me from her memory and pedal onward.

[patientandclear]

I suspect that depends on her preferred coping mechanisms.  My ex compartmentalizes and projects and denies in the short term.  In the long term the loss feelings re-surface and he gets something out of trying to get reassurance that he still matters to the people he left behind.  That is his idiosyncracy.  Others may be able to continue to stuff away those old feelings and the knowledge of loss indefinitely.  I don't think it's about the importance of the loss one way or the other.  The most important losses may be those most deeply buried in the psyche.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm set to graduate in May and at that point (assuming nothing changes) I really think I might move out of state. Not necessarily to run away, but just to have a change of scenery, meet new people, and be somewhere where I'm not constantly reminded of her.  It's impossible to go anywhere here without triggering some sort of memory with her.

Yes, wiping the slate clean and starting over can feel good.  And also, May is 8 months from now, coming up on that year we mentioned, and another tack could be to go to all of the places that remind you of her intentionally and make new memories, a part of taking your power back, and chances are you won't feel the same way in May as you do now, since memories of her will fade as you put new ones on top of them, and with time.  The best thing to do is what you say is best and what feels right at the time, although something to consider yes?

[JJacks0]

And also, May is 8 months from now, coming up on that year we mentioned, and another tack could be to go to all of the places that remind you of her intentionally and make new memories, a part of taking your power back, and chances are you won't feel the same way in May as you do now, since memories of her will fade as you put new ones on top of them, and with time. 

This is something I was thinking about the other day. I think I need to try to desensitize myself to some of these things.
When I wait for the bus on campus, I stand directly across the street from the apartment we lived in together last. That's hard to look at, so I try to face the other way. Sometimes I think I need to just stare at it until the feeling is gone, if possible. Similar situations arise all over the city. Over 7 years, we lived in 3 different apartments together within a particular area, and frequented all the places nearby together. Unfortunately, I still live in that part of town so it's impossible to avoid those triggers.

Last night I read some old email interactions between us - that messed me up a bit. But I think I'll start a new thread for that.

[JJacks0]

I suspect that depends on her preferred coping mechanisms.  My ex compartmentalizes and projects and denies in the short term.  In the long term the loss feelings re-surface and he gets something out of trying to get reassurance that he still matters to the people he left behind.  That is his idiosyncracy.  Others may be able to continue to stuff away those old feelings and the knowledge of loss indefinitely.  I don't think it's about the importance of the loss one way or the other.  The most important losses may be those most deeply buried in the psyche.

Not so secretly, I'm hoping to hear from her. But I have a nagging feeling that I won't. I think that if her mother hadn't passed away this would all have played out very differently, but that loss has changed her so much that I can't predict her behavior anymore. In the past, we would occasionally have a small separation - no more than a weekend typically. And we would remain in contact the entire time. Now I haven't heard from her in months. Our last interaction was cold, she seemed to just flip a switch and become detached, almost on command. I wish I knew how to do that.

I know how important I was to her. I don't mean that in a narcissistic way, but I was her first relationship and it lasted 7 years. We lived together nearly the entire time and we loved each other so much. I believe that after losing her mother, she was so afraid that I would be the next loss, that she just solidified it. She had reason to believe I would be, because I was hesitant to move forward and wanted more time as I was going through some things myself. So she took matters into her own hands. I know she didn't actually want this outcome, but this puts her in control. She made numerous comments about wanting to be in control. This must be her coping mechanism - burying emotion and putting on a mask to appear unaffected. I know her well enough to know her true nature, and that if she let herself feel, she would still love me and miss me. It is my belief that avoidance and burying feelings are her coping mechanisms.

[JJacks0]

Cyberstalking definitely does not help.

I just realized that she was at my place of work while I was working, (I bartend events) with another girl.
Looks like she might be seeing this girl now.

How they move on so fast blows my f------ mind. Here I am unable to look at anything that reminds me of her without crying, thinking about her 24/7, and she's able to be in the same place as me at the same time, with someone else, and have fun.

I feel incredibly set back today. And on one hand I wish I didn't look, but another part of me hangs on to stubborn hope when I don't. Sometimes I need to see this to actually understand that it's over. She's gone.

[patientandclear]

From her perspective, if she can enjoy herself with someone else in your vicinity, that would be some evidence that she did not mess up.  That confidence is unlikely to hold up over time, but perhaps you can see how appealing it would be for that to be true (that everything is good despite the demise if your r/ship) and how enthusiastic she might get for the time being about that idea.

I recall my ex telling me "I always knew you were out there somewhere, and so I was willing to be by myself until I found you." This was when we had been dating about 3 weeks, mind you.  (We'd known each other a long time and worked closely together so this did not seem utterly crazy to me.)

He had NOT been "by himself," he had been serially professing love to other women.  But as he looked back, it all fell into place.  No WONDER he left those other women!  It was because they weren't me.  I was The One.

(So seductive.  I loved hearing this.)

Now, he is likely feeling that about someone else.  It's a very convenient mechanism to temporarily erase all the guilt and regret and horror at the damage done and the chances wasted and the hurt inflicted.

There is a logic to this behavior.  As I know you know.

[JJacks0]

I can see how that would be appealing to her. But I don't actually understand how she's capable of doing it. When just 2 months ago she was still talking to me about making it work with us... .how do you detach so much and so quickly that you don't even feel anything when you're in the same place as me? We had a r/s & lived together for 7 years that SHE wanted to save as well. We had planned a future together. But what gets me most is that I didn't even do anything to hurt her. Say I cheated on her or did something horrific... .even then I would expect a person to grieve the r/s. They might say F that person, they did something terrible to me... .but they'd still grieve the loss of the person, the r/s, and the time they shared, right? I didn't even bring her any harm and she's seemingly able to just move right along without processing any loss.

I understand that it's a defense mechanism of sorts, but I have never experienced anything like that.

[Sadly]

Hi J
I don't think any of us have experienced anything like it until we get BPDded for the first time. There is no logic. I don't have clever words to describe the magnitude of their illness. I do know the mind is a powerful thing. They cannot feel normal loss like we do, they cannot grieve as we do, their mind won't allow it. I know I struggle to get my head around it too and I have decided I cannot understand it, it just is. Sometimes I wish I could be like that too, so I didn't feel the hurt and loss and grief, but I have seen into the awful confused dark sadness in my ex once or twice before he was able to pull his blanket over it and believe me I would rather be me in my lonely sadness knowing I will recover one day than inside his head. I hope I am making sense.   x

[patientandclear]

No--it's so far outside of most of our personal experience, it is very hard to process.

Two things: it appears that pwBPD may compartmentalize to an extreme degree, so much so that it resembles distinct personalities. Have you read Jeffrey Young's pieces on schema therapy as BPD treatment? Incredibly illuminating.

Also, remember that her reactions are not necessarily even about you, but reactions to experiences long ago with others, and what she now anticipates will happen with you or others with whom she's been close.  True, you didn't do anything to warrant the reaction--but someone else close to the pwBPD did. For all intents and purposes, they are still protecting themselves from that. It may literally have zero to do with you.