Should I contact ex BPD/Bp etc

[WillG]

Hi,I broke up with my gf around 2 month ago. We been together for 8 months. She was very loving, usual stuff then overnight boom.leading up to this she had been asking why she felt so low etc. She has been through so much from a young age, abuse/family issues etc.
We live in different counties and from what she told me it seem to be the area she lived in and the fact she wasn't accepted by her family that triggered her down moods plus her baby had died at birth. Now I'm not used to a txt style relationship, although we saw each other weekly, it was constant txt when apart.
She kinda went at me for answers and I felt close enough I could talk freely... .so I gave her answers about perhaps she should move away from bad memories which is Infact what she had told me too to do...
Boom! I was using things she had told me against her was the jist I got. Next day she didn't wanna be in relationship and just be friends. Had to work on herself, still wanted to come down, cuddle have sex etc... .so I questioned why... I'm not a text person and before we'd use whatsapp so yeah it was 1 txt.So what seemed like 1 txt to me and something I could've said in under 30 secs was a 40 odd txt off whatsapp. so to her that was a tirade ... I mean whatever happened to talking on a phone. I noticed she had misunderstood so much of what I'd said prior to wanting to be friends it's unreal. We were really close, done the simple things , maybe she was getting overwhelmed I dunno...
Next I got a txt from her daughter to say she'd been taken to a psychiatric hospital but was allowed to leave for home and now having weekly counselling .over next few days we talked then she mentioned she'd been cutting herself and getting drunk daily... she'd also stopped her meds for ages... I asked why she hadn't taken them, I was instantly hated.
Constant f you! I hate you, don't talk to me again.i asked about the love and where it had gone and the reply was she doesn't have to tell me anything.
It then turns out after saying she was concentrating on herself,the father of her 15 year old daughter, who's never wanted to know her was on the scene helping with the kids, and she was helping him get off the booze... this is also the chap who beat her senseless.
I don't know if this is a reason too she had been drinking, all abit it odd.i asked was it now she was back with him we over? no he just helping out the answer.
So I dunno, I left it with the usual, that I love her, I'm always there n the light is on... reply was F off... .don't ever talk to me again.i hate you...
It's been a 28 days since we spoke last and she was like a monster.
Leading up to her wanting to be good friends, she'd say that I'd not seen the other side to her, she'd said she didn't want to hurt me. That what did I see in her.
She told me too she'd never felt love like what we had and that I'd been the only person she felt safe and at ease around. I knew about the illnesses but she was sure about the love... .She said she knew it was cos if we had a little tiff it hurt real bad.
Arguments we had were just txt misunderstandings, in person we always got on .well, got on 99%... it seems obvious I met her on a high now too.

So I'm asking, should I txt and say hope you ok etc or just leave things be... I've read many things, all situations different.
I mean did she crash? She had said to me days before to never ever leave her and to promise...
If I txt will it give more ammo? I was painted black...
Or does she want me to try?
So far I've handled things pretty well, but I love her to bits and part of me feels I should try.
I've not acted needy , nothing...
I think if she was with the ex she would've just said but again I dunno.
Thanks

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[Conundrum]

Hi, I'd take a breath. Pause relationship concerns, bc according to what you represent--your pwBPD is in the midst of a mental health crisis (cutting, alcohol, hospitalization). She does not sound capable at present of handling additional stress. Given those circumstances, what is best for all concerned?

[WillG]

Hi, I'd take a breath. Pause relationship concerns, bc according to what you represent--your pwBPD is in the midst of a mental health crisis (cutting, alcohol, hospitalization). She does not sound capable at present of handling additional stress. Given those circumstances, what is best for all concerned?

Is this the right one to reply on duh
Yes I do tend to agree and maybe as relationship goes it's the case. She was just a different person, the hate was unreal. All I asked was why not take the meds .
I miss her loads.i suppose I just wanna know is she ok.
Nobody aswell have ever said they've hated me .  I'm all about peace.so I suppose that sticks with repetitive thoughts in my head.on one hand I do say yes it's the illness but on the other I think maybe it's not and she really  does hate me
Hope she's ok and I hear from her again I've stopped myself all day from pressing send.no way do I wanna stress her.feels like it's been ages since we spoke.
Thanks for reply.

[Meili]

Dealing with people who suffer from BPD can be extremely confusing; to say the least!

All I asked was why not take the meds .

It is easy to see that in your mind that's all that you did. People with BPD (pwBPD) experience emotions at a much higher intensity than others however. So, asking her why not take the meds could have sparked any number of emotions in her that would easily reach the point of dysregulation. The most probably of these being shame. Shame is a major factor in the disorder from what I understand. Your asking her that might have caused her to feel shame. Because the emotions are so intense, they are hard, if not impossible, for pwBPD to self-soothe. As a result, rather than looking inward, they attack and project the feelings externally. This would explain the hate that you describe.

The best thing to do is not take moments like those personally. It is really hard to do, but it is doable. There is a lesson on surviving confrontation and disrespect in the sidebar on the right that might prove helpful to you.

I suppose that sticks with repetitive thoughts in my head.on one hand I do say yes it's the illness but on the other I think maybe it's not and she really  does hate me

The ruminating thoughts are also hard to handle if you do not get them under control. Finding something other than her and how she is doing to focus on will help greatly with that.

Also, it is possible that, in her mind, she both loves and hates you. Remember that to a pwBPD, emotions are extremely intense and change rapidly. In one instant she may very well feel intense love, and in the next intense hate. This is the roller coaster ride that you've probably been reading about as you research the topic.

[WillG]

Dealing with people who suffer from BPD can be extremely confusing; to say the least!

All I asked was why not take the meds .

It is easy to see that in your mind that's all that you did. People with BPD (pwBPD) experience emotions at a much higher intensity than others however. So, asking her why not take the meds could have sparked any number of emotions in her that would easily reach the point of dysregulation. The most probably of these being shame. Shame is a major factor in the disorder from what I understand. Your asking her that might have caused her to feel shame. Because the emotions are so intense, they are hard, if not impossible, for pwBPD to self-soothe. As a result, rather than looking inward, they attack and project the feelings externally. This would explain the hate that you describe.

The best thing to do is not take moments like those personally. It is really hard to do, but it is doable. There is a lesson on surviving confrontation and disrespect in the sidebar on the right that might prove helpful to you.

I suppose that sticks with repetitive thoughts in my head.on one hand I do say yes it's the illness but on the other I think maybe it's not and she really  does hate me

The ruminating thoughts are also hard to handle if you do not get them under control. Finding something other than her and how she is doing to focus on will help greatly with that.

Also, it is possible that, in her mind, she both loves and hates you. Remember that to a pwBPD, emotions are extremely intense and change rapidly. In one instant she may very well feel intense love, and in the next intense hate. This is the roller coaster ride that you've probably been reading about as you research the topic.

Thanks for reply, yeah it was a roller coaster... I see similar things on other threads... marriage /wanting kids in early days... in the high months we could actually talk and she handled things well... even felt better for talking.i never knew much about these disorders I'd read a little in early days cos she was honest and told me straight out.BUtthe conclusion a came to is that it wasn't fair to to judge as people who are classed the norm can have these traits.
It was when we hit the 6 month mark, she'd gone from doing nothing daily to working silly hours so she says I dunno cos we live apart... so her routine was mixed up too.
Daily everyday it was why she felt so low.i just thought I was saying the right things... and it's hard over txt, I'm a face to face person.
I just said positive things, but I do understand perhaps that was pressure... maybe I should've just listened but one day she really flipped and wanted answers.i was in a no win. I notice to a rational person the advice would be good, she'd Infact kinda said same things to me at one point... .it's the fact that she felt that what she had told me, the advice I was giving was using things she told me in confidence... .I agree about the shame, and looking back too again how things said in txt could come across in a different light. I tried to explain this,the fact she'd taken things wrong... just made it worse... I went from loved, then to a offer of friends with benefits whilst she worked on herself to boom hated... .
Worse thing perhaps I did was not listen and did txt for a few days just saying you've misunderstood. I notice when they say stop you must stop too.
Again I've not been in a situation like this, trying to understand a illness.i said could you drive a car from day 1 , surely it's about learning... I'd never seen her like this ... Last I saw her we really did have fantastic day...
In my life I was told to remove the toxic.things which triggered me to be down.i said this to her, she took it as her life was crap. as a put down.

Well I txt her anyway yesterday,I've got a conscience... I just said hope her and the kids are ok and that I'm thinking about her and the bathroom fell through .
Never got a reply. Maybe no f you is a plus, or maybe phone blocked or she just moved on. Maybe she just rock bottom, maybe she with someone elsse.

One thing I've noticed though, it seems if you treat these people like utter crap you win. I've never beat, sexually abused or verbally. Yet overnight the people who were hated appear to be painted white.people too Infact she had 7  year and 10 year relationships with... .I did say this to her as I said hate is a very strong word.im none of these things and a word like that is used under those traits... .
She actually said bruises heal ? But mine had been mental abuse, saying move, remove toxic, why no meds babe? Mental abuse? Or a excuse to run.

just hope she ok.i been ok but yesterday I was overwhelmed.for me I'm just not a person who'd forget and turn back on a person but I do understand it's the illness and not her ... .
Thanks for the link... .

[Meili]

Are you still wanting to try to salvage the relationship?

I ask because there are some very good things to work with/on in your last post. You can work on these things without her involvement, and then if/when you do have a chance to communicate with her you'll be better equipped to handle the situation.

[WillG]

Are you still wanting to try to salvage the relationship?

I ask because there are some very good things to work with/on in your last post. You can work on these things without her involvement, and then if/when you do have a chance to communicate with her you'll be better equipped to handle the situation.

Yes I'd love to salvage it, I'm a builder and love her very much. you're def right about the shame.

I gotta feeling I really won't hear again tbh, but as other threads show boom they can pop back... I read through our last txts and she was fine, said she be down soon as friend , then like I said, I just a asked why no meds... She said she didn't want to be a chemist no more... it had also been the anniversary of the daughter she lost just as she went downhill .

I dunno, back of my mind can't help thinking more to it but then again yes stress pressure etc... .very odd about the ex situation. She even kinda threatened me with him. The guy who beat her and she called a sperm doner, painted blacker than black yet she breaks to concentrate on herself and now supports him to get off alcohol whilst she too it turns out been drinking.

Yeah  please help with what I can work on if you've time many thanks.
I've read a lot and I do see my faults... but even if I could go back in time I think it would be something else... when the relationship started I read about the 6 month cycles too...
Well it's my birthday tomo, I don't expect her to remember but it be nice a txt...
Thankyou

[Meili]

Happy birthday!

The first steps to repairing these relationships is to repair ourselves. There was something about each of us that caused us to ignore the red flags and allowed us to be treated as we were, and still come back for more. While working on those things, we can (and should!) practice listening with empathy, not being invalidating, and working on our boundary control (see sidebar to the right of the page for quick links). All of this can be dealt with and practiced without the involvement of our pwBPD. We can (and should!) use the tools with everyone we meet.

[WillG]

Happy birthday!

The first steps to repairing these relationships is to repair ourselves. There was something about each of us that caused us to ignore the red flags and allowed us to be treated as we were, and still come back for more. While working on those things, we can (and should!) practice listening with empathy, not being invalidating, and working on our boundary control (see sidebar to the right of the page for quick links). All of this can be dealt with and practiced without the involvement of our pwBPD. We can (and should!) use the tools with everyone we meet.

Thanks for the b day wishes
Nah no reply nothing. I do know now the way I should've gone about things, but then again I actually said things what she would've and has given advice to me, and it's that which is puzzling. As for listening I tried, always just cuddled her when she was saying things... there were times in the last months she'd turn up and just cry and not talk... .but like I said a day came where she wanted answers. I had about 10 txts in row 1 morning wanting truths... .
So I did my best in txt to explain her situation, and maybe what's triggering her... (although I had no idea she wasn't on meds) also the fact she was given sertraline to try and after a week the change was full on... .so she stopped...
I just gave what I thought things I could say, I've noticed too after now even counselles would say the exact same thing about the toxic surroundings.
I had a txt saying she was testing me to see what I actually thought of her life? It was unreal. I just dunno how it comes across so bad but I suppose that's a disorder... she can say the same things to me but when I say them boom...
I tried to say if I thought so little why would I wanna be with her.
I found myself saying sorry for stuff I didn't wanna say sorry for... The messenger was shot...
Even after this she still came down, told me to promise never to leave her... nights before the concentrating on herself txt and friends bit it was the love you and promise etc
Tanks for the response, I do hope I can practice these things with her but if not it be good for myself.its a strange feeling when you think you're so close and boom.
The thing I ignored, is when she would say stop as in txt, I tried to defend myself. Tried to explain... .I just thought I could as she had said I was different .no needy talk no nothing just explanation that she'd got and taken things wrong... .

In any other relationship I've been in this wouldn't of happened, so I know it's a disorder but it doesn't stop me thinking there is more to it...
It's the hate word that gets to me.
It's the treating people who have done damage with worth yet me I'm up in smoke. Yeah it screws with yer mind.

Thank you Melli

[Meili]

Yeah, it all is really hard to grasp when your mind is looking at things through the lenses of logic and reason.

We have to be careful to just learn from the past and not beat ourselves up over how we did things. We all did the best that we could with the tools that we had available at the time.

I recently experienced something similar with my x. We have been trying to, as she put it, negotiate reconciliation. Things were going really well. Then, suddenly, she flipped out and started telling me how horrible and controlling I am. That was it, she was done; no more future together. So begins the stages of grief.

Fortunately, I have pretty much remained non-attached to her during all of this. If you can get to that point, it might help you greatly as you work on yourself. It will reduce the pain that your pwBPD can inflict on you in the future.

[WillG]

Yeah, it all is really hard to grasp when your mind is looking at things through the lenses of logic and reason.

We have to be careful to just learn from the past and not beat ourselves up over how we did things. We all did the best that we could with the tools that we had available at the time.

I recently experienced something similar with my x. We have been trying to, as she put it, negotiate reconciliation. Things were going really well. Then, suddenly, she flipped out and started telling me how horrible and controlling I am. That was it, she was done; no more future together. So begins the stages of grief.

Fortunately, I have pretty much remained non-attached to her during all of this. If you can get to that point, it might help you greatly as you work on yourself. It will reduce the pain that your pwBPD can inflict on you in the future.

Hi, sorry to hear about your situation too. You seem so strong minded, hope things work out for you. This really is a learning curve for me as it would be for anyone I guess... I really don't think a time machine would've made a difference as no doubt something else would be to blame. We were very close atleast I thought and it's that which scares them I guess... but I do see how things I'd said as much I see them as simple things could also bring shame.

I think I'm beating myself up bad now and it must stop but it just repetitive thoughts. It's shall I contact her constantly on mind but she will contact me I suppose if she wants to.i do have in back of mind too is this a test, and I should be chasing to show I wouldn't abandon but I'm kidding myself eh.

I haven't played the emotional needy nothing, just perhaps pain in the ass the first few days trying to defend. If I had listened and stopped txt would it of made diff... I dunno... .
Well I've not bothered her for a month apart from a short sweet txt other day just to hope she n kids ok... .
Yeah I was called a psychopath , nutter, all sorts... .just for saying you've misunderstood.JUst a complete different side to the girl I knew.

ThanksMelli

[Meili]

Thank you. When I started posting here I was a basket case emotionally. My entire world had been destroyed. Some very kind people took the time to talk to me and help me see things from a different perspective and then started to show me different ways of thinking. My entire world changed. After about six weeks, I felt strong enough to contact my x. We almost made it back together before she had a melt down again recently. This time I'm strong enough to handle her walking away in silence. While the rejection still hurts, my life and my future are no longer contingent on her choices and actions.

I must agree with you that the time machine wouldn't help atm. It may help to realize that she was not experiencing the relationship the same way that you were. There is a lesson on the 10 Beliefs that can you get stuck that might help with what you are experiencing.

Trying to understand the motivation of another person is nearly impossible, trying to do so with a pwBPD is futile at best. Yes, it may be a test, but it's just as likely that it is her telling you that she needs time and space to calm down and heal.

[WillG]

Thank you. When I started posting here I was a basket case emotionally. My entire world had been destroyed. Some very kind people took the time to talk to me and help me see things from a different perspective and then started to show me different ways of thinking. My entire world changed. After about six weeks, I felt strong enough to contact my x. We almost made it back together before she had a melt down again recently. This time I'm strong enough to handle her walking away in silence. While the rejection still hurts, my life and my future are no longer contingent on her choices and actions.

I must agree with you that the time machine wouldn't help atm. It may help to realize that she was not experiencing the relationship the same way that you were. There is a lesson on the 10 Beliefs that can you get stuck that might help with what you are experiencing.

Trying to understand the motivation of another person is nearly impossible, trying to do so with a pwBPD is futile at best. Yes, it may be a test, but it's just as likely that it is her telling you that she needs time and space to calm down and heal.

Yeah I feel pretty screwed up tbh. Thanks for chatting. Good for you you've got to a stage of being strong.
Yes to begin with she said she needed to find herself and she wanted to be (name) again. There's no doubt she hit meltdown, and obviously so drinking/cutting and saying nothing. Hope she returns, but time passes.
It's hard to come to terms with, it's like someone pressed a switch. perhaps it will turn back on eh.
i do wanna txt her and just say I understand and sorry I should've just listened. But I just don't wanna drag things up and if she is trying to get herself together it's not fair on her. Seems rather odd getting yourself together in the company of a ex who beat her to a pulp and is a alcoholic. Helping a person get off drink too whilst she's drowning herself in it I dunno... .
It's that where I just don't think I stand much hope.
I'm smoking for England at the mo , I really must relax...

Yes I will check the link, thanks

[Meili]

Focusing on someone who has more problems than herself might be a form of escapism for her. It may make her feel better about herself also. Just some thoughts. We'll never really know.

[WillG]

Focusing on someone who has more problems than herself might be a form of escapism for her. It may make her feel better about herself also. Just some thoughts. We'll never really know.

Aye maybe, it's just a hard one to understand. Like she said its her daughters dad I suppose , but still ... .

[WillG]

Focusing on someone who has more problems than herself might be a form of escapism for her. It may make her feel better about herself also. Just some thoughts. We'll never really know.

Well she txt me today out the blue.Tells me she Is having counselling etc and all ok but bad news her dad has cancer... we chatted and I left things... 5 hours later she starts texting me again, asks me how I am and what I been up to...
So I said,,, and I tried to make a joke about the shower, the fact that both of us in it had loosened the joins... At first I thought her response was her having a laugh... .then it came clear that even though I said both of us were in there lmao she seemed to take it as just her what the heck... started going on about her imperfections what the heck.
Nothing of the sort . I dunno... .that is extremely highly sensitive and completely taken a text wrong... .back to the drawing board .

[Meili]

Well, not completely back, you can gain some insight from her reaction. pwBPD can easily twist things that are harmless into some sort of slight against them. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily censor what you say, just that you can learn to handle responses afterward.

What do you think that she was telling you when she took the comment the wrong way?

[WillG]

Well, not completely back, you can gain some insight from her reaction. pwBPD can easily twist things that are harmless into some sort of slight against them. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily censor what you say, just that you can learn to handle responses afterward.

What do you think that she was telling you when she took the comment the wrong way?

I really don't know MElli ... .she txt saying it was the reason she stopped talking to me cos of my flippant remarks... .I guess in some way she took the shower remark as in she weighed a lot... but she doesn't and besides it was both of us in it together (the weight)... I was just trying to get her to laugh that's all... took it as I I blamed it on her fgs... .
So I've said I'm not going on about imperfections... .
She replied ok just now.
From kisses to nothing ... .
Gonna leave it for tonight and let her think .
I'll be honest, I'd just started to relax... .tension back .

[WillG]

Well, not completely back, you can gain some insight from her reaction. pwBPD can easily twist things that are harmless into some sort of slight against them. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily censor what you say, just that you can learn to handle responses afterward.

What do you think that she was telling you when she took the comment the wrong way?

I really don't know MElli ... .she txt saying it was the reason she stopped talking to me cos of my flippant remarks... .I guess in some way she took the shower remark as in she weighed a lot... but she doesn't and besides it was both of us in it together (the weight)... I was just trying to get her to laugh that's all... took it as I I blamed it on her fgs... .
So I've said I'm not going on about imperfections... .
She replied ok just now.
From kisses to nothing ... .
Gonna leave it for tonight and let her think .
I'll be honest, I'd just started to relax... .tension back .

We'll update, the site I met her on starts sending me alerts, she posting pictures on there... .weird how she chooses today after contacting me...
Bizarre

[WillG]

Well, not completely back, you can gain some insight from her reaction. pwBPD can easily twist things that are harmless into some sort of slight against them. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily censor what you say, just that you can learn to handle responses afterward.

What do you think that she was telling you when she took the comment the wrong way?

I really don't know MElli ... .she txt saying it was the reason she stopped talking to me cos of my flippant remarks... .I guess in some way she took the shower remark as in she weighed a lot... but she doesn't and besides it was both of us in it together (the weight)... I was just trying to get her to laugh that's all... took it as I I blamed it on her fgs... .
So I've said I'm not going on about imperfections... .
She replied ok just now.
From kisses to nothing ... .
Gonna leave it for tonight and let her think .
I'll be honest, I'd just started to relax... .tension back .

We'll update, the site I met her on starts sending me alerts, she posting pictures on there... .weird how she chooses today after contacting me...
Bizarre

Well it's actually made me quite ill tonight... to of caused that then alerts from a site saying she posting pics... feel like a sucker, like I've had a dyson run over me.
I mean, why on earth the contact today,why the going on a dating site within 10 minute of a txt yet again taken wrong.
One of my lasts txt months ago was I'd like to start off again,,, I start kidding myself that maybe she wants me to go on the site and play out some fairytale .
Total head f... .

[WillG]

Well, not completely back, you can gain some insight from her reaction. pwBPD can easily twist things that are harmless into some sort of slight against them. That doesn't mean that you should necessarily censor what you say, just that you can learn to handle responses afterward.

What do you think that she was telling you when she took the comment the wrong way?

I dunno what to do anymore. I feel drained. Just seems like it was sabotage. All nice then bang... .did the silly thing of txtin in the night and just asking does she want to meet up and relax n chill and go swimming or something... yeah I told her what she means to me... .
The reply was please don't txt me at all hours . Again something she'd do to me all night long yet my 2 txt just wrong... .
I just replied , will we see each other again? No reply...
Feels like I having games played, no hate, no never talk again, just silence... .
Very odd about the dating site upload just after a misunderstanding... .
Was that just to torture me or something I dunno... .
But I've asked a question and surely if you wanted nothing and never to see a person again you'd just say.
I kinda feel like a rat on a string... .

Thanks for any input