Here we go again .. I need help

[wanttobehappy]

Hello everybody, I found this board today and I am express how much relief it gives me.
I am here today not to get judged ( I am aware how everyone here is polite and very understanding),
Here is my story, forgive me english isn't my first language  ;
I am currently living with my boyfriend (in a house share) he has not been diagnosed with BPD, however after coming across the list of behaviours, I now understand why my boyfriend (or should i say ex now) reacts the way he does. I feel so deeply sorry for him, that he goes through this all the time. I however can't mention this to him because I know it will deeply hurt him. I also want to add that I am a co-dependant and I can't handle when he pulls back , I become too needy and insecure. I start to feel like I will be alone for the rest of life and that I need him to make me happy =( I know this is really unhealthy of me.

Now that I am done giving with the back story, I will tell you what happened a week ago leading up to our fight. I recently got back from visiting my family for a month (we were long distant and I closed the distant by moving to UK for Uni, to close the distance between us) The week since I got back was AMAZING he was loving, caring and the sex was amazing. Everything was going well until Friday. We were having a great Friday (he got paid) and we went out for food and drinks (drinks kept coming one by one) he even splurged on to buy an expensive gift. By the end of the day when we got back he already seemed a bit pissed off (could be the drinks, sometimes they get to him) when we came back home the door to our room was open (a bit of a backstory- our house mate is broke and this is the second time our door was open like that, we always make sure to check before we leave) he intently got angry and was furious. He knocked the door of our house mate and asked him if he did it, to which even the house mate got angry and they had a heated argument then the house mate decided to cut it off and shut the door. After this my boyfriend was really angry and went to the car with his drinks, I obviously went behind him, but he didn't open the door to the car. I decided to give him some time and return back, he was accusing me for not standing up for him in the fight (I don't like to get into fight but I did support and back him up). When I called the landlord for it and made him aware about everything, my boyfriend calmed down and let me in the car. We were talking for the rest of the night and suddenly he said lets go get more drinks. At this point even I was drunk, it was a bad idea but I said sure this is going to be the last. On the way there he asked me 'do you want to smoke weed ?' (he was previously smoking for his depression, not any more) I said NO multiple times because I know it's not a good idea and told him you worked so hard to quit it, we should not go back to it. He kept insisting me like he was testing me but then I was too drunk and thought he really needed it to calm down, and I agreed. Worst decision I made, because right away that he pushed me away saying "haha, you think I will smoke ! I cant believe you would let me go back to that ! You don't love at all" at this point I was extremely confused and felt deep hurt, It felt like he was testing me and convincing me to get a 'yes' as an answer =c
I walked away and slept in a separate room for the night, next day I tried to talk to him but since I am co-dependant and I don't how to deal with his BPD, he said I can stay in the room and started saying we breaking up to which my reaction was being too clingy. That night he decided to go out and I went to bed, woke up it was 5 am and he wasn't home. Being the clingy person I am, I tried to call him many times and he finally picked and said I am coming home. When he got home, my head was FILLED with my own insecurities about him having a nice night out and leaving me behind. On impulse I finished the drink he was carrying in his hand and he got really angry at me for it. We started to argue back and forth. I started to apologize for drinking his drink without asking, I trust him he was with a bunch of guys talking all night. In my heart I just wanted him back and wanted him to stop pushing me away, reminiscing about our honeymoon phase. Asking him whether he loves me or not, it got out of hand. I know I SHOULD HAVE WALKED AWAY but i just couldn't I wanted to fix thing THEN AND THERE =c which I know is unrealistic ! So he finally asked me to leave the room angrily, before it get worse I decided to move to the downstairs room and take my stuff. This all happened this morning around 5 am. I realised there is NO POINT, of me stressing over this and being too attached to him ( I know it comes with being a co-dependent).

I realised I need to pull back (wish I had found this forum before) what I learned about his disorder in 6 hours of reading through posts and researching, it has really opened my eyes. My question is I don't want to break up or end this relationship, I know how much he does love me but this disorder also does make him pull away from time to time. Which being a co-dependent I cant take too well ! I become clingy, I resort to JADE (just learned it today, wish I knew about it yesterday) I just try everything to try and "FIX" but now I am aware no matter what I do it's not going to change him mind at that state of mind! He is probably feeling a 100% worse than me, I love him very much and he is the only person I am learned to love and care for 4 years now. He said he is breaking up and wanted me to move down (which I decided to do, because I wanted to get out of the madness). Can somebody give me any advice ? currently he is very angry and I was wondering should I stay no contact for some time.

I also decided I needed to spend some time alone and get myself back to who I really am, a loving, happy person. Joined the gym today and starting classes tomorrow. I went to a coffee shop today and spent some time on  my own, so I can gather myself back up. I don't want to come out as the clingy ex :c and this point I don't know what to do, any suggestions ?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[livednlearned]

Hi wanttobehappy,

Welcome and hello  

You have awareness about what it means to be codependent, and that helps. Pinpointing your own behaviors directs you toward greater health, which will have a positive effect on him, too.

People with BPD tend to feel inadequate, so when we overstep and fix or rescue them from their problems, it sends the message that we don't think they're capable. At the same time, the emotional dysregulation can make it hard for them to problem-solve. It's up to us to be the emotional leaders and learn new skills to keep things from escalating.

A lot of these skills aren't intuitive and are learned. You're in the right place to learn these skills, we're all walking alongside each other, practicing and getting better and stabilizing our relationships.

Right now, he has asked for space, and it's probably wise. He doesn't have the skills to reassure you while he takes this time, but he does recognize it's something he needs. Respect him right now and focus on doing things to help you cope with your own abandonment depression -- these are the protest behaviors that surface whenever you feel him pulling away. I know it's hard, but try to sit with the sadness and fear and learn to accept it without acting impulsively to repair the relationship. It rarely works 

LnL