Wondering if its over forever after nearly 4 months apart

[.95.]

Its now been nearly 4 months since my Bpd ex broke up with me and honestly it hasn't gotten any easier. I still miss her lots and wonder if theres any chance she could come back but honestly that seems less and less likely as time goes on although with a BPD it could be the opposite.
She has supposedly been seeing someone else now for about 2 months but she could easily be lying although i wonder what reason she would have to lie about it. We were together for almost a year and for about 11 months she made me out to be the best boyfriend in the world with things she said (soulmate, best friend etc) and she also claimed i was her first serious relationship and the first person she really loved although I'm not sure i believe that now I've done all my research on her condition post breakup. Then the next two weeks were extremely confusing for me as she got distant and didn't want to see me as much, but then the last two weeks we were together seemed to be okay again, she seemed happier and we were seeing each other as normal and she sounded like she was planning for the future (looking at holidays for us and asking me to book a few days off around my birthday which was about 2 weeks later). But she then abruptly broke up with me saying she a relationship was the worst thing for her right now and things like that which obviously i was really sad about but she was desperate to keep me in her life which i agreed to as i hoped it would lead to us getting back together. But then 2 weeks after she broke up with me she changed again and said it would be best if we both had a fresh start and moved forward (i had been telling her i missed her and things like that with mixed response). I think this is when she met the guy she is now seeing so obviously didn't need me anymore.
About 2 months after we broke up she messaged me asking for a chat which i agreed to and she asked me if id moved on to which i didn't really answer and asked why she wanted to know. She then said it didn't matter so i asked her if she'd moved on to which she didn't give an answer and said it dint matter. I then thought she was trying to start up a convo about possibly getting back together so i spent ages trying to get that out of her but we ended up arguing and that was that for that day. So about two days later i texted her agin just apologising for coming across as rude and stuff but i also just came out with the question 'do you want to start seeing me again' because i felt like we had been directly avoiding that question in the days previous to that. She then said that we were completely different and not right for each other which was confusing because that was the first time she'd said that, when we first broke up she had said that it was nothing to do with me and that she still loved me but it was something she needed to do for herself. So we then argued over the next few messages which in hindsight was pointless as everything to her that had happened probably seemed normal to her.
The conversation ended with her saying i was the biggest mistake of her life. 2 weeks later she messaged me again apologising for what she said which i accepted. Having no contact is kind of difficult as she owes me money which she has constantly said she will pay back and i trust her with that but obviously its not ideal.
In truth i still care about her more than the money, i recognise that she's not necessarily the best person for me as our relationship was stressful but there were also lots of good times and i feel so ignorant not to have done more research on her condition while we were together because in fairness to her she told me about it at the start of the relationship. I am hoping she comes back but obviously i can't put my life on hold for her so I'm just trying to better myself for now. She was my first girlfriend so obviously i have no experience of a normal relationship as of yet but i do feel like I was really good for her and I've learnt so much since we broke up. Ive read about so many breakup/makeup cycles on this website but its been almost 4 months since our breakup and while we have spoken fairly regularly throughout that (half out of necessity) there has been nothing to suggest a makeup as of yet which obviously might not happen as everyone is different.

[Panda39]

.95.

I'm sorry your break up has been so painful.  Unfortunately, none of us can predict what your ex is going to do.  Can I suggest that you focus on you... .your processing the break up... .your grief... .your healing.  You can't control your ex but you can control what you do next.  Take things one day at a time and take care of you.

It looks like you've been on this site a little while so forgive me if I'm telling you something you already know, but I wanted to point you to the box on the right -->

Everything in the box is a link to further information check out the lessons and the five stages of detachment.  Hopefully the information will be helpful.

Hang in there,
Panda39

[Herodias]

Whatever she is doing, she is not treating you with any respect or compassion. She is not a healthy person... .is that really what you want? Because you cannot love someone into being healthy. She could be seeing someone else and leaving you dangling out there in case it doesn't work out... .she could be testing you by abandoning you to see if you will accept the bad treatment. Who knows... .what matters is what are you doing to help yourself. These situations are awful... .but if I would have known what I know now and had more self esteem, I would not have lived a tortured life for 10 years... .I promise you it gets better if you detach and think more of yourself. Find something to do with yourself and get around healthy people. I just heard that it is better to be around people who have something to lose than those who do not. People who have nothing to lose don't care as much. You said she owes you money... .this may make sense to you. I was always the bank too. I gave and he took... .all that he could until I wasn't going to do it anymore. Then off he went to someone else that could do for him in a different way... .just to try and make it seem like it was all me... .It's what they do. Take care of you... .the rest will come.

[rfriesen]

Hi 95,

Good to hear an update from you, though I'm sorry to hear you're hurting today. It's normal to miss your ex after sharing many good times, especially as you say she was your first girlfriend.

It sounds like you tried hard to have an open and meaningful conversation with her after your break-up, but that there was a lack of trust or in any case an inability to reach any resolution.

I am hoping she comes back but obviously i can't put my life on hold for her so I'm just trying to better myself for now.

This shows self-awareness and is not a terrible place to be at this stage. If I understand you correctly, you still miss your ex a lot and don't feel ready or able to let go of the hope that you'll get back together. It takes honesty and courage to admit that to yourself. Maybe you're conflicted and not sure what you want, as you also recognise that she wasn't "necessarily the best person" for you and that the relationship was stressful. So you're able to notice and acknowledge both sides of your conflicting emotions. It might not feel very good right now, but that takes courage. You're not lying to yourself and pretending that you have all the answers right now. Being honest with yourself and having the courage to explore those conflicting emotions will help you move forward in time, I guarantee you.

You mention you're trying to better yourself for now. What things are you doing for yourself? In what ways are you moving on with your life without your ex? Do you mean in terms of work, or studies, or socialising, or hobbies? Can you say a little more?

And what do you hope for, concretely, when you find yourself hoping for your ex to come back? How do you picture a fulfilling, happy relationship?

[elfyguy]

Hi 95

Why do borderlines date certain types of people? They date certain types of people because people who are emotionally connected and stable don't just notice the red flags but they feel bad when the borderline does something hurtful. Us nons are in too deep with our needs to notice just how much the pwBPD is hurting us. Ask yourself, if she was an acquaintance, would you put up with her actions? Would you still be friends with her? Or if you were an outside observer, what would you say?

[.95.]

Whatever she is doing, she is not treating you with any respect or compassion. She is not a healthy person... .is that really what you want? Because you cannot love someone into being healthy. She could be seeing someone else and leaving you dangling out there in case it doesn't work out... .she could be testing you by abandoning you to see if you will accept the bad treatment. Who knows... .what matters is what are you doing to help yourself. These situations are awful... .but if I would have known what I know now and had more self esteem, I would not have lived a tortured life for 10 years... .I promise you it gets better if you detach and think more of yourself. Find something to do with yourself and get around healthy people. I just heard that it is better to be around people who have something to lose than those who do not. People who have nothing to lose don't care as much. You said she owes you money... .this may make sense to you. I was always the bank too. I gave and he took... .all that he could until I wasn't going to do it anymore. Then off he went to someone else that could do for him in a different way... .just to try and make it seem like it was all me... .It's what they do. Take care of you... .the rest will come.

She does at least acknowledge that she's got it and she told me quite early on in the relationship. She normally saw someone every two weeks who prescribed her tablets etc but towards the end of our relationship she quit that and started counselling instead. I just can't get her out of my head, sometimes i just randomly wonder how it all went wrong with everything she said to me (soulmates, best friend, first love etc) and i believed every word, and for it to go from that for 90% of the relationship to being distant and then breaking up suddenly with me is just such a tough pill to swallow as i really did do everything i could to make sure she was happy and not stressed ever which seemed to be a losing battle sometimes. Like i say she was my first girlfriend so i have no-one to compare her to or anything. Ive tried and failed to get answers but its hopeless really as her perspective of the whole thing will have been completely normal to her but i can't help but feel that she'll come back as i was really good to her and  we went on holiday together and had many good times.

[.95.]

Hi 95,

Good to hear an update from you, though I'm sorry to hear you're hurting today. It's normal to miss your ex after sharing many good times, especially as you say she was your first girlfriend.

It sounds like you tried hard to have an open and meaningful conversation with her after your break-up, but that there was a lack of trust or in any case an inability to reach any resolution.

This shows self-awareness and is not a terrible place to be at this stage. If I understand you correctly, you still miss your ex a lot and don't feel ready or able to let go of the hope that you'll get back together. It takes honesty and courage to admit that to yourself. Maybe you're conflicted and not sure what you want, as you also recognise that she wasn't "necessarily the best person" for you and that the relationship was stressful. So you're able to notice and acknowledge both sides of your conflicting emotions. It might not feel very good right now, but that takes courage. You're not lying to yourself and pretending that you have all the answers right now. Being honest with yourself and having the courage to explore those conflicting emotions will help you move forward in time, I guarantee you.

You mention you're trying to better yourself for now. What things are you doing for yourself? In what ways are you moving on with your life without your ex? Do you mean in terms of work, or studies, or socialising, or hobbies? Can you say a little more?

And what do you hope for, concretely, when you find yourself hoping for your ex to come back? How do you picture a fulfilling, happy relationship?

I do still miss her a lot and its annoying as i know that it would not necesssarily be in my best interest if she came back but i just don't feel able to move on to possibly start talking to another girl or whatever as i just know she'll then probably try and come back which will put me in a horrible situation. I think the best way to describe the relationship is that it was probably the best and worst relationship I'm ever going to have! Its just a horrible dilemma to be in as i love her very much but i know its never going to be the relationship i want it to be and i can't really blame me or her for that.
In terms of focusing on myself I'm doing gym work and also trying very hard to get a new job but nothing stops me from thinking about her constantly. I can just imagine her coming back and if I'm being honest i don't think id be able to turn her down as of right now as I'm just missing her so much but we got on so well and were genuinely like best friends as well.

[.95.]

Hi 95

Why do borderlines date certain types of people? They date certain types of people because people who are emotionally connected and stable don't just notice the red flags but they feel bad when the borderline does something hurtful. Us nons are in too deep with our needs to notice just how much the pwBPD is hurting us. Ask yourself, if she was an acquaintance, would you put up with her actions? Would you still be friends with her? Or if you were an outside observer, what would you say?

I genuinely did fall for her and everything she said to me which i think maybe made me quite comfortable for most of the relationship and i think thats why i was so shocked when she suddenly got distant and then broke up with me. I honestly have got a lot of respect and sympathy for her and she does get treatment. There was a lot of chaos in the relationship it was never anything to so with me so i just sort of went along with it but sometimes thinking that this cant be how a relationship is supposed to go. I just wish id done all of this research while we were together so i could have been better informed on everything.