Beyond Saving?

[JJacks0]

Although my ex made it clear months ago that she did not see a future for us anymore, I held on to stubborn hope. I've continued to post on this board from time to time, with the intention of learning more about BPD, my role in the r/s, and what I could do going forward if the opportunity presented itself.

Last night I decided to read some emails that we had sent each other in 2013. My intent was to try to put the pieces together a bit. We were together for 7 years, and with all of the moving and roller coaster chaos that we went through, sometimes looking back can be a blur. I've been guilty of wearing rose-tinted glasses and forgetting how frequently I was unhappy. In 2013 I suggested that we live separately for a while. I had just discovered BPD (she is diagnosed w/ Bipolar) and her rages had been absolutely out of control. I was really at a breaking point, and she was admittedly at rock bottom. She was going to stay with her parents while in a DBT program, and then when it felt like things were more stable, she'd move back in with me. Well she ended up dropping out of the program and moving back in with me within a month or two I'd say (we didn't break up and were in constant communication/seeing each other regardless). The emails that I found were from the time in which she was actually staying with her parents. They were heartbreaking.

She wrote me poems about how much she loved me and how I would always be the one for her since I stayed with her through it all.
She wrote me a lengthy email about how it "hit her like a ton of bricks" when she saw me crying on the floor, and how the worst thing she's ever done in her life was to hurt me and cause me sadness.
She vowed that she would do everything she could to fix things.
She told me that I was the only thing that mattered to her, but that she doubted I'd believe that based on her actions. She told me that she knew she was running out of chances and that she feared she may have already.
She told me that her biggest fear was losing me and that she knew she was pushing me closer to leaving each time she hurt me.

Reading this broke my heart.
I also found an email that I sent her explaining how I had discovered DBT workbooks online. I sent her links for free print outs. I promised I would wait for her.

Finally, I found an email that she sent me explaining some of the things that had upset her that I'd said/done. It was very honest, and very sad. Reading in hindsight, I see it much differently.
I'd like to think I still responded well, although I know I could have done better if I knew as much as I do now. I was relieved to see that I spoke to her gently and did actually validate her. However, I did JADE at times. I found a very sweet email that I sent to her immediately after that one as well, that made me feel a lot better about the way I spoke to her. I told her how much I loved her, how I wanted to stay, and desperately wanted to make things work with her. I told her that I didn't hold on to any anger over things that have happened and I still thought of her the way I always have. I told her that I wanted to spend more time with her, that she was still my favorite person and best friend, who I always wanted to be around. I have struggled with a lot of guilt in the aftermath, recalling arguments where I sunk so low and shouted right back at her. At times we both turned into monsters, and for that I really have not forgiven myself. This past June was the last real email I sent her. I used to make her cards periodically and write all the little reasons why I love her on them. Each time I would write entirely new things, to show how many reasons there were. I did this in the last email I sent her a few months ago. She used to love it and hang them up in the house. So if nothing else, I guess I can find some small amount of solace knowing that everything I've written her has been so full of love. Even in the "angriest" of emails I sent her, I constantly told her how much she meant to me. Reading these were so bittersweet. I felt better knowing that I had shown her compassion, but it is heart wrenching to compare it to where we are, three years later.

"Please don't leave me." "I'll wait for you." And here we are, apart. No contact in 2 months.

That brings me to what I discovered today. Admittedly, I have looked at posts on her social media. Today I discovered that she was at my workplace (I bartend events), with someone else, while I was working (unbeknownst to me at the time). The event brings in upwards of 1000 people, so I did not see her. It was clear from the photo that she had intentionally gone to an area far away from where I was bartending. I am 100% certain that she knew I was there - I have worked every event there for the past 2 years. For her to not say hello is a bit crushing. More crushing is the realization that she may have been with a new romantic interest. This person has been "liking" all of her photos, and appears to be interested. On one hand, I know I shouldn't be looking... .on the other, I know that I will remain eternally hopeful until I see her with someone else. I don't know what I'll do then, but I certainly hope Xanax is nearby.

I hate to say this, and I know it will disappoint those who have been supporting me here... .
but I'm realizing that much of my desire to improve myself has been centered around her. Until I saw her so seemingly happy and well-adjusted without me, I really thought she would be back and I would have so many new things to show her. Now it isn't looking very promising. She appears to be enamored with her new single life, free to do whatever she pleases. The irony is that she always could have been doing this (for the most part). I always encouraged her to see friends and get involved in things, but she centered her life around me. She actually told me one of the last times we spoke, that if she were to be with me, she'd ignore everything else in her life. I don't know what I could have done about that. I've never advocated for that at all. All I've ever really wanted was to make this work.

Apologies for the ridiculously long post. I just feel so especially lost right now, and I don't know where to go from here.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

I hate to say this, and I know it will disappoint those who have been supporting me here... .
but I'm realizing that much of my desire to improve myself has been centered around her.

It is good you realize this now.  So how can you start improving yourself for you, for your own betterment?

[Meili]

I hate to say this, and I know it will disappoint those who have been supporting me here... .
but I'm realizing that much of my desire to improve myself has been centered around her. Until I saw her so seemingly happy and well-adjusted without me, I really thought she would be back and I would have so many new things to show her. Now it isn't looking very promising. She appears to be enamored with her new single life, free to do whatever she pleases. The irony is that she always could have been doing this (for the most part). I always encouraged her to see friends and get involved in things, but she centered her life around me. She actually told me one of the last times we spoke, that if she were to be with me, she'd ignore everything else in her life. I don't know what I could have done about that. I've never advocated for that at all. All I've ever really wanted was to make this work.

I am experiencing the same thing, save and except I'm working on me for me.

When my x and I were together, we were enmeshed. I encouraged her to have her own friends and do things on her own. She didn't and ignored everything else in her life. Now that we are no longer a couple, she is enjoying her freedom. In fact, her freedom is the very reason that she does not want to reconcile. She is afraid that we will become engulfed again.

Like you, I am not sure where to go at this point, or what to do. I know that my only real option is to give her as much time and space that she needs to find what makes her happy; whether that be with me or elsewhere. Doing anything other than that is trying to control the situation. Healthy relationships are not built on control.

As C.Stein pointed out, realizing that your working on improving yourself has been centered around her is good. Now you can change that.

[JJacks0]

Thank you both.

Meili, I'm sorry to hear you're experiencing that as well. It's so frustrating because you and I know that it's possible to have a balance. In fact, it's all I've ever wanted. I'd love it if we had a nice balance between our time with each other and our own personal lives... .or I'd have no problem spending more time with her family and friends or having her spend more time with mine, if that made her happy. I'm incredibly open to compromise. But for whatever reason, she believes she can't have that.

While we were together I continued to see my family and friends. I always invited her and many times she would join me. Ultimately she ended up irritated that we were spending more time with my people than hers. To which I suggested... .get in touch with yours. Do more to stay in contact. I'd love to have them over sometime. I knew that if she had a healthier life outside of me it would allow me to have that as well. She wouldn't be envious or jealous that I was seeing my friends without her because she would have friends to see as well.

But that's not how things went. For a period of time, earlier in our r/s she did start spending a lot of time with coworkers. However... .she would lie to me about what time she was done with work and pretend to have gotten out much later so she could hang out with them secretly. She admitted later that she didn't want me to come with because she wanted to have her own thing, something that was just hers. I can appreciate that, but the habitual lying led to a major trust issue. Then one day I caught her "sexting" a coworker. That was the nail in the coffin, and I never really trusted her with those people again. She used that against me afterwards, claiming that I was trying to control her. I had no problem with her hanging out with other people. I was just uncomfortable with her hanging out with people who she a)always had to lie about and b) sent inappropriate messages to. I felt like that was pretty understandable.

Now, since I never wavered on my end and continued to see friends/family all along... .
I am devastated without her. All I feel is my loss since I have not gained anything from our separation.
She on the other hand, has lost me but gained friends, freedom, and a life that she *could* have had with me, but chose not to. It's very frustrating. I bet you can relate.
So the trouble now is finding something that makes me happy. Easy for her, with all her newfound relationships, but difficult for me when I have gained nothing, only lost.

[Meili]

Yes, I can relate... .completely relate.

Is it possible for you to change your perspective on the fact that you haven't gained anything though?

Haven't you gained some insight into things like:

• how you communicate with others
• your contributions to the problems in the relationship
• how you respond to situations
• your own self-worth
• how strong you really are as a person

Sure, neither of us has obtained our respective goals of saving the relationships. But, that doesn't have to define whether or not we've actually gained or lost. Success and failure are merely defined by perspective.

[C.Stein]

Easy for her, with all her newfound relationships, but difficult for me when I have gained nothing, only lost.

I can understand how you can get caught in the trap of comparing gain and loss.  You may have lost her but consider in that loss what you have gained now that you are no longer subjected to the FOG.  I know for myself while I do feel like I lost her the fact of the matter is I never had her to begin with.  Sure we were together, shared a dream of a future together, but I was in love with someone who I believed she could be and wanted to be, not the woman she was.  As much as she expressed a desire to be more than the sum of her past actions she was incapable of moving forward in this respect.  She was and will continue to be controlled by her "dark side" (as she put it) no matter how hard she tries to hide it from those closest to her and more importantly herself.  

So what did I really lose here?  I lost something that was not real to begin with.  For all the promises she made, all the reassurances and enthusiasm she had for a future together with me, her actions compromised it all.  Almost from day one she compromised my trust in her and continue to compromise it throughout our relationship.  I allowed it to continue but at a very high cost to my own emotional well being.  The more emotionally connected I became with her the more the fear and anxiety I felt because of this compromised trust.

So at the very least I have gained some peace of mind in that I am no longer subjected to fear and anxiety of wondering when the other shoe was going to drop, or if she was lying to me about something, or what she was doing behind my back.  The negative physical impacts of being in a relationship with her have also subsided which is a big gain.  I have also started to regain myself, which is something I unfortunately lost a large part of when I was with her.

I am sure there are other things I have gained or regained as a result of her leaving my life.  That doesn't diminish the feelings of loss but it does help to show me what I allowed myself to give her and/or let her take from me while I was with her.  So I have also gained some insight.