Need help with my feelings

[coworkerfriend]

Hi - I have been with my pwBPD for 6 years now - I found this board 4 years ago and it literally has been a lifesaver for me. Since we own a business and are personally involved, BPD presents itself in so many different situations.  He is extremely self aware and through therapy, he has made some significant changes in his behavior.  Personally, I have also made a ton of changes in my behavior and our life together has improved.  With that being said, there are constant triggers and challenges in our day to day life. 

In the past, when he would get upset, he would rage and yell - direct all his anger on me.  Over the course of the past few years, I remove myself from that situation and the raging has diminished.  He has developed a"new" behavior that when he dysregulates is to go to bed and refuse to eat or drink anything.  I continue to offer food - make dinner etc and he refuses to eat.  About a month ago, he didn't eat or drink anything for 3 days.  When he finally asked me for help, I was there for him.  I made him breakfast and he went out to do yard work.  It was really hot that day and around 4pm, he came in for water.  He was sitting in his chair, went to get up and he blacked out and fainted.  It scared me - he came to after a few minutes and when he hit his head, he suffered a mild concussion.  I know it scared him too - we talked a lot about it and he said he wasn't going to make himself sick anymore. 

Things this past month have been ok - a few episodes here and there when he went to bed and refused to get up.  Those lasted less than 8 hours.  Yesterday, he did yard work all day.  I spent the day doing errands and chores around the house.  At 6pm, he found that my daughter had left something in her pocket in the laundry and he flipped out.  He went straight to bed - refused dinner and I left.  We live in separate houses for the sake of our children (both from a previous marriage).  Around 8pm, I went to his house and brought him chicken and veggies I had made for dinner.  He yelled at me that he isn't eating and he is depressed.  I got mad and I left. 

I was talking to a friend last night and she said I shouldn't have gotten mad.  That he is ill and I have to realize that.  Of course I know he is ill.  But I said to her I have feelings too.  He completely overreacted and ruined the rest of our day together.  Now he texted me that he is in bed and refusing to get up.  I didn't respond to the text.  But I am mad and upset.  I am really upset - I can not sit back and watch him make himself sick. 

I guess what I am struggling with is how I can deal with my own feelings and deal with his dyregulations. I am hurt and mad.  But in the next breath, I realize that he is ill and he can't help himself.  But he can help himself and he is the only person who can change this.  The emotional manipulation is so obvious but I feel like I always fall back into the same bad habits/patterns of trying to fix it.  I can't watch him make himself sick again.  It really scared me when he fainted - I don't want to keep going through that.

I don't really know how to sort myself out - I don't know what I should do. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[C.Stein]

I don't really know how to sort myself out - I don't know what I should do.

When my ex did stuff like this I just left her alone.  I'd check up on her via text/phone on occasion, but whatever self-imposed crisis she was currently suffering from was her burden to bear, not mine.  If you look at it like a child trying to get your attention then it is much easier to remain detached from the drama.

[coworkerfriend]

I do leave him alone -I used to check on him, play into the drama.   I always thought, he is an adult.  He will eat/drink and get over it.  After the last incident, I don't trust him to do that.  I am finding myself getting increasingly angry and upset at his behavior.  I am having a hard time just ignoring it in my head. 

He is like a child - he totally behaves like one during these episodes.  He ends up going to bed at least once a week over some created drama.

Logically, I know what is going on.  Emotionally, I still get stuck tangled up in his chaos.  I don't want to deal with that. 

[Fie]

Hello Coworkerfriend  

I relate to what you are saying, I have lived something similar. I remember so well how I hated those self created dramas after which my ex went to bed angrily. Reading your story makes me have to catch my breath.

I understand your fear for what he might do to himself. I guess that's also why you get angry. Fear is a very passive emotion. Anger is a more active one, one that makes you act.

You say you leave him alone when he does those things, yet you don't trust him to take enough care of himself. I personally think you should try to see that yes, he acts like a baby, but he is not one.  Since he's an adult, he has the right to completely choose for himself if he cares for himself - or not. If he wants to kill himself by not eating / drinking, just to make you care for him all of the time, than that's his choice.
When I was younger, my then best friend tried to trick me into a relationship with him by threatening me with suicide. I still remember feeling terribly bad over that, and guilty.
If something similar would happen now, I would tell him to go ahead with it if that's what he really wants. Everyone is responsible for him/herself, not for others - except for their children.
If your BPD wants to stop eating, he should go ahead with it, and I really think you should let him.  Even if in the end, it would result in something really bad.

It might also be worthwhile to consider your own role in this. While you are recognizing that he's acting like a baby, your behavior (worrying and wanting to help) is enabling it. You are rewarding him being childish.
I also wonder why you are offering him food all of the time ? He's big enough to make his own, I would say ? You could consider cooking for him, if this is something you don't mind doing, but insisting he eats it is something else. My daughter is 8. When I have made lunch or dinner, I tell her 'food is ready'. I don't actually tell her to eat it. She is old enough to know that she should eat in order to not be hungry. And she knows very well that if people are hungry/thirsty for a very long time, they die.
If you just call your BPD when the food is ready, and if he's not coming, it just means he is making a conscious decision to not eat. He like my 8 year old knows that, if he doesn't eat enough, there is a risk he will die. Why would you insist ? You are just feeding into the drama.

If he's not around when dinner is ready, you could just send him a text message 'dinner is ready, come over when you are hungry!'  If you show up at his doorstep with food and let yourself be yelled at, you are allowing him to play his mind game over and over again.

In case you decide to go for this new approach, you should know that it is highly possible that his bad behavior will temporarily get worse. And then it's a question of sticking to it - even if it gets scary. If you relapse, his behavior will have gotten reinforced - worse than it ever was. Google 'intermittent reinforcement'.

Something I personally would also do when it gets really bad again, is call an ambulance. Chances are high this will be a wake up call for him. He will realize someone else will see him act ridiculous and also it's a clear sign for him that you are giving away the responsibility for all of this to professionals.

That's how I feel about it, it does not have to be the way you see things. Let me know if it makes sense to you.

In the meantime, kuddos to you. If it's worth anything, I don't agree with your friend that you should not have gotten angry (although I am sure she means well and it's great to have a friend who understands about BPD !). BPD is *not* a disease, it's a character disturbance (not like f.e. manic depression, that is a full blown disease) This means it can be unlearned.

Speaking of which, are you and BPD able to talk about this whole 'going to bed angrily and not eating' thing ? Does he talk about it in therapy ?

[coworkerfriend]

Thank you Fie - your response really resonated with me.  You are absolutely on point.  I have to focus on my role in these created dramas.  I know I reward him for being a baby - I do too much to try and fix a situation that I can not fix.  As I look back for the past 4 months, the situation has worsen.  He has stayed in bed/refused to eat 10 days this month - last month is was 7 days and the two months prior to that it was 4 days.  I know that my role in this is a big part of the problem.

Last night, I did not reach out or bring him food.  At 10pm, he called and I didn't answer.  I know what he would say - that he hasn't eaten and no one cares about him.  At 3:30am, I got a text that he is really sick this time.  When he is in a good place, we have talked about how I never know when to believe him - that he claims to be sick when he isn't and he is like the boy who cried wolf. 

Most of my stress comes from my own inner guilt and issues.  Your post makes sense to me.  I often feel I am too deeply involved to actually see what is really happening. 

After 4 years of being on this site, I still seem to face challenges and struggles on a weekly basis.  He and I do talk quite a bit about his illness when he is in a good place.  All that seems to slip away when he gets triggered.  I am pretty sure he hides this from his therapist - when he discusses with me what they talk about, this is never mentioned.  Once he moves past the episode, he seems to put it away for lack of a better description.  He has therapy tomorrow - I assume he will get up and go.  He doesn't like to miss appointments - probably due to the appearance of it being an issue that he doesn't want to explain. 

I know I spend too much time thinking about it all - again wanting to fix something that I can not fix.  I know I need to continue working on myself. 

Thanks again for your insight - it really helps.

[C.Stein]

At 3:30am, I got a text that he is really sick this time.

Did you respond?

[coworkerfriend]

No - I didn't respond.  This is a pattern he follows - 10pm phone call and middle of the night text. 

In the past, I would answer the phone call - he would rant about no one caring about him - that he hasn't eaten and usually just hang up on me.  The middle of the night text is always about how he is "really sick" this time.  Usually, I would respond by asking him if he needs something - going to his house and bring him coffee.  Sometimes it would be well received - other times, he would get mad and demand I leave him alone. He would be mad that I "let him" stay in bed all day - and he would somehow turn this into me not doing the right thing for him. 

I know he will call again - probably between noon and 1pm.  I don't know if I should or will answer yet. 

[C.Stein]

I wouldn't be afraid to respond to him, just be careful your response isn't enabling him.  For example you might have responded to his text with something like this.

I'm sorry to hear you are sick.  I hope you are taking care of yourself.

In this manner you show you care but also make it clear that his "sickness" is his responsibility to take care of.

[Fie]

I'm sorry to hear you are sick.  I hope you are taking care of yourself.

I think this would be a very good answer indeed !


On phone calls or texts with 'I'm hungry / I haven't eaten', I would answer 'ever considered eating before going to bed ? / No one is stopping you from eating'.  Seriously.

This must all be very exhausting to you. Ever considered switching off your phone at night, like almost everyone does ? Your BPD has an attention disorder and doesn't eat. So what, that doesn't mean you shouldn't sleep. Sleep deprivation is serious business and can lead to concentration problems, depression, name it.

I don't know if you have parents who are BPD. I have, and it has left me with some sense of humour at least - sometimes a little ironic, I admit. If you can, try to see the funny side of things...

I mean, not eating for 10 days in one month time, come on  :-)

[coworkerfriend]

I usually keep my phone on since my daughter went away to college - she left a month ago and I don't know why I feel better knowing she can get in touch with me anytime.  But if I think about it, he obviously knows that too.

Since I didn't answer his calls, he showed up at the office around 2pm.  He said he waited for me to show up all night and was upset that I don't care about him.  I said I do care but if you tell me you want to be alone, I respect your wishes. He said that makes him feel abandoned - which I said that I wouldn't abandon you - but I want you to have your space if you need it.  He asked what I ordered for lunch - I said pizza and a salad which of course he said he couldn't eat because it upsets his stomach too much.

I went back to my desk - he asked me what he needed to work on today.  I told him which project is pending and he flipped out - that he can't work anymore - he cant think - he hates his life - he wishes he was dead.  I said that it has to be so horrible to feel like that - I will help him if I can.  He worked himself into a complete panic attack - shaking and saying that he hates his life - he can't take it - he is going to snap.  That he wishes he had someone in his life who cares about him.  He said he has chest pain - I said let's go to the doctor.  He got super mad and left.  Within 10 minutes, I got the text he is in bed.

It is exhausting - I am exhausted by it all.  My parents are very self absorbed - I don't know if they have BPD but sometimes it feels like they could.  I wish I could see the humor in his behavior - that I wouldn't let myself get so sucked into it. Thanks for pointing it out.

Since I have learned about BPD, I have modified my behaviors in many ways.  But I am obviously stuck again.  It feels like as soon as one bad behavior is changed, another one pops up.

I spend years being his emotional punching bag when he would dysregulate and get angry.  I have been painted black more times than I can count. 

[Fie]

That does not sound like a fun day at all.
From what I'm reading, I think you handled it *extremely* well. Up till suggesting to go to the doctor. Getting angry upon that was his choice - probably because he knew of course he was faking everything.

Objectively, your suggestion just expressed concern. So I'd say, well done !

Do you think that what he's showing is an extinction burst ? (behavior getting worse temporarily before actually getting better)
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/the-dolphin-divide/201205/bursting-through-bad-habits


If a lack of sleep is causing you trouble, you could consider using a second phone only for your daughter.

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks - I think he is having a major extinction burst or something. 

Last night was awful - at 8:30pm he called me and was very mad that I didn't show up with dinner.  I simply said that I am respecting his wishes to be left alone and giving him space to work through his feelings.  He hung up on me after going off on how cold and heartless I am.  At 9:30 he called me - he sounded clear and rational.  He asked me to come over and talk to him.  I know now that I should not have believed that he was clear.

I got there and he immediately tried to make me feel guilty - that I say I care about him but I don't and that he is going to call his ex wife to take care of him.  I was tired and I said do what you need to do. He knows that throwing her in my face is one thing that always gets to me. He went upstairs and called her - talked to her for at least 30 minutes.  When he came back downstairs, he told me that she said she loves him and will always take care of him.  I got mad - said is that what you want and he got even madder at me.  I know I should have left  but I didn't.  I got stuck in my own head.  He got really mad and started screaming that he wont ever eat any of the food I got and started grabbing things out of the fridge and throwing them into a garbage bag.  I grabbed my purse and started to leave - got into my car.  He followed me and threw the bag of garbage at me while I was sitting in the car - I was furious - I said I can't believe you would do such a mean thing to me. 

I went home.  He proceeded to call me - I didn't answer - he called at least 20 times.  He left a message and said he was coming over if I didn't pick up the phone so I answered it.  He started yelling why did you leave me - it is over between us - it is done.  He will never feel the same way about me again - that I triggered him by calling him mean and he will never forgive me.  I said I was scared when the bag hit me - well that triggered him even more.  He said it is over - totally over and we will never be together again.  That he will fake it at work but he has no feelings for me.  He said that my words will be stuck in his head forever and we will never get past them.  He hung up on me again.

At 12:45am - he was at my house.  He said he locked himself out and needed his key.  I gave it to him and he left. 

I have to take a good look at myself and my role.  I know better.  I have read and lived the lessons - I know every single thing I did wrong last night.  I am just so sad.  Sad about everything.  I have spent the past 7 almost 8 years with him - 4 of them without a clue of his illness and  the last 4 trying to learn and understand.  Trying to accept and be supportive.  I can't even begin to remember how many times he has ended it with me.  This time, I think I have to be strong and consider ending it with him.  He can't live his life like this and I can't live my life like this.  Since I learned about BPD - I have figured that as long as there is more good times than bad, it was ok.  I guess nothing really feels ok today.  I have always worked at staying with him - I have always wanted to work it out. I just don't know anymore.

[Fie]

First of all, I want to give you a big hug for all of the things you are going through  

Don't expect the impossible of yourself. I think you are handling a completely *abnormal* situation in a wonderful way. BPD can get the worse out of everyone.
I was thinking about that just yesterday, actually. Some people are able to lift us up. Their positive energy makes us happy. They make us want to be a good person.
Some people have the opposite effect on us. The dad of my daughter f.e. is someone who sadly enough gets out the worse of me.

It is up to you to decide if you want to stay with someone who's causing you so much turmoil.
BPD exists in gradations. And as you pointed out yourself, sometimes there is enough good stuff to compensate for the bad.
You could decide to stick around and see if  indeed the extinction burst will fade away while you are sticking to your boundaries. Maybe there will be room for some calmer waters.
Or you could decide you have given enough, and leave. In that case it always helps to know that you would not be the first one doing such a thing. When I ended the relationship with my BPD, I felt terrible. But it helped keeping in mind that in X time, I would be fine, because this is what always happens : people break up, they suffer a bit, and they get better. That's life.

It always strikes me to read stories like yours, and to think back and reflect on mine. Why do some people (like me) put up with so much crap from others ? Sometimes I wonder, almost no one would take the crap that I took from my ex. Of course by now I know about codependency, and why I have been codependant (my FOO of course). But still. Most people would run at the first sign of the abnormal behaviors of BPD. And us, we stay. Not one month, not one year, but several years. It's almost unbelievable.

What I also remember from my relationship, is that the abnormalities were not full blown right away. It upgraded. It started out with some minor fight he was causing. I could not put my finger on what the heck he was actually fighting for, I didn't get it. I guess he must have thought 'O this is working', because from that moment on, his behavior got worse. And worse. Gradually. Looking back on it, it almost felt like he did it on purpose, the gradually, to make me used to it and not shock me too much at once, so I would stick around.
Some of the things he did were so abnormal that anyone would have left them just for that. I stuck around even with a multitude of abnormalities. It could be the same for you, I don't know. Even just showing up at your house at 12.45 sounds abnormal to me. Normal people are sleeping than. They are not caretaking a 'partner'... .

If it helps, I am thinking about you, and sending you some (positive) energy.

[coworkerfriend]

Fie - thank you.  Your post gave me quite a bit to think about.  I appreciate your positive energy more than words can express. 

I can't stop thinking about why I have put up with so much crap the past 6 years.  I know I am codependent and have been working on that with a therapist.  But as I reflect back, I can't believe what I have put up with and continue to put up with.  I work 70 hours a week at our business, I take care of our homes, I put up with all the mood swings/anger/emotional manipulation on a weekly basis.  He is a constant source of turmoil.  I know you are correct that some of the abnormalities do get worse - at first, I would excuse them away - he is stressed - he is tired but I know now that was never the case.

The eight days after the last episode were "normal" - he was kind, apologetic and thankful that I stay with him and understand him.  On a daily basis, he talked about doing things different when he felt triggered - how he was going to make an effort to communicate to me when the anxiety started to get bad.  He did that and was great for eight days.  Yesterday, he came back from a meeting with a client, the traffic was bad and he was miserable.  I left him alone - I could tell his mood was black.  He came into my office and said that he can't do this anymore.  He hates his life and is unhappy every day.  I said something about doing his job and he flipped out.  It completely triggered him that he is stuck in a terrible situation.  I kept my mouth shut and within an hour, he went home and went to bed.  It was around 3pm.  At 6pm, I got the phone call that he is done and doesn't want to be with me anymore.  He said I wasn't welcome at his house, he was sick of me using him all the time.  He ranted a bit and hung up.  At 9:30pm, I got the normal text that he is sick and will not be in to work.  I didn't respond and he called at 10:30pm - said I was a cold hearted b***** and he can't believe I didn't bring him dinner or even bother to check in on him.  He ranted about how done he is with me - that this keeps happening over and over and he can't take it anymore.

This morning, he called around 11am.  He said he is sick and will not be in to work.  He cannot get out of bed.  I asked him if he needed anything and he said if I cared about him, I would know what to do.  He said he needs a break from me, that he  feels nothing for me.  He said he has been thinking more about his ex wife and how he wants to go back to when things were "simple" with her. 

During the 8 good days, he is always so thankful that I believe the "real" him and not the person he becomes when he is in a bad place.  That has left me thinking so much.  The real him is both personalities - I know he completely believes the horrible things he says about me when he is in a bad place. 

After putting up with so much over the years, I feel like I just don't know anymore.  I have always been committed to staying for a number of reasons. I have read the lessons hundreds of times to keep trying to not make things worse.  I know I have changed for the better - when I read my old posts, I can see how much things have improved.  But the weekly drama is wearing me down.  We went 4 months with an occasional blow up but since September, it has been every week and lasts for 2 to 4 days.  I don't know how to break the cycle.  I don't know if I can break the cycle. 

Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated.  I am feeling very alone with all of this.  I have no one in my real life that I confide in. 

[Fie]

Hi coworkerfriend,


I'll try to give you my thoughts although I am sick with fever, so I hope what I'm saying makes sense  :-)  If I ramble, you know why  ;-)

You are saying you have always been committed to staying for a number of reasons.
Are those reasons still there ?

If you ask me, any reason to stay with a person should be completely selfish. Staying to 'save' someone never works, not for him, but especially not for you. Staying with somebody should be because he/she makes you feel good. Nothing less. (At least that's what I think about it)

I can't stop thinking about why I have put up with so much crap the past 6 years.  

I don't think at this point it matters why you have put up with it. You did, and you cannot change the past. The real question is, do you want to keep putting up with it ? And if so, why ?

The eight days after the last episode were "normal"

We always get more hope when they are 'normal' for a few days right ? We feel that maybe, just maybe, this time they won't relapse and they will get better.
Truth is that someone should be able to be 'normal' always, not just for 8 days. Eight days is ridiculously short. My 8 year old daughter has never acted the way you are describing your husband's behaviors, not even for one day. They always say that BPD 's behaviors are like those of a 7 year old. I don't think so. I think they are *way* worse.  Question is, do you want that for the rest of your life ? A child who will never grow up ?

I have read the lessons hundreds of times to keep trying to not make things worse.

That's great, and I bet those lessons help you deal with difficult people in general, not just with your husband. On the other hand I'm sometimes surprised at the length some people put effort in complying with their BPD. Their behavior is abnormal, and we have to adjust. We can try to understand them, yes. But don't you think they should also put in some effort ?


What do you still want from life ? Do you at one point want to start to learn to be happy again ?

Ps, about the coldhearted b... .  : I also got that sometimes from my ex. I will never ever let anyone talk to me like that again. You should not either. No one has the right to call us that.

[Grey Kitty]

  ... .Haven't been here to much lately and haven't seen you for a while.

This sounds very much like some extinction burst level stuff going on here.

To my mind, you have the right idea--if he doesn't want to eat or drink anything because he's upset, that's his problem, not yours, and if you try to save him from himself, you don't really fix anything.

That said, if he turns the drama up enough, you do respond. So he's not going all the way through the extinction burst and realizing that he can't manipulate you that way. Which just means he'll keep trying 'cuz if he keeps trying sooner or later it will work.

Hmmm... .one analogy I've heard for this is that he's taking a hostage and holding a gun to the hostage's head and making demands of you. (The hostage is himself or his own health)

I'm wondering... .how often do you cook him dinner and share meals when things are "good"? Would it be credible to say he can't cook for himself? I don't know enough of your story to be sure though.

[coworkerfriend]

Hi GK and Fie -thanks for responding.   We eat dinner together every night when things are good - he will grill or I will make something.  He certainly can make himself something to eat - he just refuses to do it.   We do spend an insane amount of time together between work and home. It is something I have been thinking a lot about - I really feel I lost part of myself over the years. 

Over the past few week, he has gone to bed and refused to eat  at least 3 times that I can think of.  Each time, the trigger is something I think is ridiculous and trivial - which of course I don't say but in my head, I am thinking it.

The last time it happened, I did not answer his calls - I barely responded to his texts and I did not stop over at all.  The next morning, he came to work - he said he was mad at me for the way I behaved.  I didn't say anything - I just went back to working.  Later, he came into my office and said that each text he sent (which were totally sent to bait me into an argument) was supposed to get me to come over.   I said I knew that he wanted me to come over but I am not going to take part in his making himself sick by refusing to eat and stay in bed.  If he wants to do that, he can do it alone.  It was probably the strongest I have been on the subject - since I almost always cave into his need for attention. 

I know there is an underlying issue he is struggling with and I also know his therapist is pushing him a bit.  I never ask about their sessions but he has mentioned it a few times the past few months.  I know he uses his anger to push me away - to make it easier on himself to not deal with things. 

It is so true that i have been held hostage a number of times with this issue and I am working on it.  Thanks again.

[Grey Kitty]

Yeah, you are on the right track there.

If he texts you with "bait", yes, he wants you to come over... .but no, he's not wanting a pleasant meal with you--he's wanting to pick a fight. (It is a good way to avoid how awful he is feeling!)

I'd recommend when he goes off like that for the night that you mute his texts/calls until morning. You know you won't hear anything you want to engage with... .

Anyhow, he won't starve to death, nor is he likely to die of dehydration. he'll feel crappy... .then recover. And if he is truly harming himself that way, you should take him to the hospital or call 911 instead of coming over and letting him avoid his own feelings by getting into a fight with you!

Not being present to watch him harm himself by refusing to eat or get out of bed is a very reasonable boundary. Keep living it!

[coworkerfriend]

Well even if I am on the right track - I am feeling exhausted by the whole thing.   

He had 4 good days and today, a client "upset" him and he went back to bed.  He blamed me for not taking care of the client - tried to go off on how I should have handled it - I completely stopped talking and he ended up hanging up on me.  I just do not have the energy to continue this cycle but I have been around BPD enough to know that there is nothing I can do but wait for it to pass.  Logically, it makes sense that there is nothing I can do but emotionally, I let him manipulate me.  I am feeling very frustrated.  Not only with the fact that another day is going by and he isn't working but that this is happening every single week.  After it passes, he tells me that he is going to talk about things before he goes off the deep end but something always triggers him. 

I guess I just have to wait it out and see how bad he gets.  I am just tired of it.

[Fie]

Hello there,

So difficult he.
I appologize if this sounds too harsh in your opinion... but is there a possibility for you to fire him at work ?
All of this crap is bad enough to handle in your personal life. On top of that, you have to deal with it at work ... .

[coworkerfriend]

Thanks Fie - I appreciate your insight.

It isn't harsh at all and I have thought about how I could do it but it is impossible.  He owns the business 50/50 with me.  Mind you, I do almost all the work and handle all the clients.  When he does work, clients love him and he is great at the job.  I have made the mistake of covering for him for so long and I know that I have created a monster.  To untangle the business component feels impossible to me at the moment.  Will I feel differently in the future - I am not sure.  But for now, this is the situation I live with.

I have been talking to my therapist about how it is so overwhelming to deal with all of this at home and work that I feel stuck - unable to actually change anything because I don't know what to do first.  I find myself stuck feeling like I have told him over and over that I accept and support him with his illness and I can't go back on that.  But I am increasingly frustrated and exhausted by it.

The other problem I have with myself is the tiny hope I have that he will get up and not let himself slide into a really bad episode.  I always hope for the best and it disappoints me.  I know that I have to work on radical acceptance of him but that piece is hard for me.

[Fie]

I find myself stuck feeling like I have told him over and over that I accept and support him with his illness and I can't go back on that.

Why would you not be able to go back on that  ?
He probably also told you over and over he would change. Did he keep that promise ? Even a little ?

[Grey Kitty]

Well even if I am on the right track - I am feeling exhausted by the whole thing. 

Seems to me, the less you engage, the less exhausted you will be.

If I remember your story, you have a powerful financial incentive to keep working with him, so that is likely to be in your life going forward.

What if you stopped spending time with him outside work? Stopped sharing dinner with him except perhaps rare occasions?

[Fie]

Hello Coworkerfriend,

Do you still love your husband ?

[coworkerfriend]

Hi GK & Fie - thanks so much - your input means alot to me.

I think you are right - I do think I need to spend less time outside work with him.  Although if I think about it, he has barely been at work the past few months.   

As much as I try to fight it, all this resentment has been building up in me that past two months.  After each episode passes, I do try to focus on the good things in our life.  I do love him.  I love the business that we built.  I love the good "normal" times we have.  I know they will never last long and I think that makes me both sad and anxious.  Anxious because everything triggers him. I know that he is currently stuck in this cycle. 

Days like today are particularly challenging.  He has decided to be mad and stay mad at me about a nonexistent client issue he created.  I refused to participate in two fights he tried to pick with me.  I walked away from him a number of times and went into another office for a while so he didn't know where I was.  He finally came into my office and said my negative energy is killing him and he is depressed and going to bed.  That I put so much pressure on him and he finally snapped.  It took alot of willpower for me to say nothing.  I want to break this cycle but I don't know what to do.  He can't keep going to bed. 

[Fie]

He can't keep going to bed.

I'm afraid he can.

I want to break this cycle but I don't know what to do.

Please try to stick to your attitude. Walk away when the dysfunction starts. Think about the extinction burst ... .If you give in, it will be so hard later on when you'll want to try your current approach again (intermittent reinforcement).

I so completely understand your anger though.
Maybe letting out our anger does not have to mean that we should explode, or throw everything out.  Maybe you could also just tell him : 'I feel so angry with you now because of ... .I don't want to fight with you however, and I choose to walk away until you calm down'.

Maybe you will feel better for having expressed your anger ? I'm not sure if it's a good approach for dealing with BPD though. Maybe he will just be like 'hooray, she's angry, I got her attention, soon she will be there at my bedside again pleading me to eat'. On the other hand, it could be a better option than participating in a fight ... .It depends on how much anger you are building up currently I guess.

What do the other members think ?

[Grey Kitty]

I think you are right - I do think I need to spend less time outside work with him.  Although if I think about it, he has barely been at work the past few months. 

Can you re-write that as a positive instead? Something more like:

"I want to spend my time outside work doing ______."

Where you fill in the blank with something that doesn't involve him and you are excited about it? Or at least interested/curious?