She refuses to allow me to formally adopt her daughter

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I tried to visit this site a while ago. There doesn't seem to be any help but maybe I posted in the wrong board. If anyone can help, please do.

For the past 9 years I have raised a wonderful daughter. Her bio dad did not have any involvement and is MIA. My daughter is smart and the two of us are extremely close. Her mother suffers extreme BPD or NPD. I have talked to two attorneys about trying to get custody. One attorney (a woman) just blew me off. Another (a man) told me there was nothing to be done and to go home and tell my girlfriend I love her -- we have never been married and she refuses to allow me to formally adopt our daughter because she knows once I have partial custody I will leave. My daughter and I are trapped in this hell. My daughter is maintaining As but only because we work together every night and she has a very supportive school. Daughter has been diagnosed with ADD. Every night my wife/gf screams and criticizes us. Every night my daughter cries and runs to me afraid of her own mother. There is literally no help I can find. In fact - because I am a man, it seems are situation is only made worse. I am the most important relationship in this child's life. Yet there is nothing to protect that relationship for her (or me). We are truly in a living hell and there is no help for anyone in our position, just laws to protect and enable the "mother" and her right to abuse. If anyone if aware of anything that can help - please tell me.

[markjjsmith95]

I tried to visit this site a while ago. There doesn't seem to be any help but maybe I posted in the wrong board. If anyone can help, please do.

For the past 9 years I have raised a wonderful daughter. Her bio dad did not have any involvement and is MIA. My daughter is smart and the two of us are extremely close. Her mother suffers extreme BPD or NPD. I have talked to two attorneys about trying to get custody. One attorney (a woman) just blew me off. Another (a man) told me there was nothing to be done and to go home and tell my girlfriend I love her -- we have never been married and she refuses to allow me to formally adopt our daughter because she knows once I have partial custody I will leave. My daughter and I are trapped in this hell. My daughter is maintaining As but only because we work together every night and she has a very supportive school. Daughter has been diagnosed with ADD. Every night my wife/gf screams and criticizes us. Every night my daughter cries and runs to me afraid of her own mother. There is literally no help I can find. In fact - because I am a man, it seems are situation is only made worse. I am the most important relationship in this child's life. Yet there is nothing to protect that relationship for her (or me). We are truly in a living hell and there is no help for anyone in our position, just laws to protect and enable the "mother" and her right to abuse. If anyone if aware of anything that can help - please tell me.

[ForeverDad]

Yes, it is hard to get recognition of your parenting when you're not the genetic or adoptive father.  Would any of these off-the-cuff ideas help?

• Can you get daughter into counseling with an experienced counselor, not someone who would be conned or overwhelmed by her mother?  It may be a tough sell for her mother since most disordered parents don't want their home behaviors exposed.  Sell it as "would be good in general for daughter" without details of why.
• Encourage daughter to take advantage of the school counselors who is available to all students, try not to trigger mother so she tries to sabotage it.
• My other idea would be to establish rights as a father by adopting, then if later you separated then you would have at least some parenting rights.  But you previously posted that mother wouldn't allow that.  So that idea may not be practical.
• Some states, not sure which ones, have stated that fathers who have raised children with knowledge that they weren't the real father could be assessed Child Support if the family split.  Whether that also means the "father" would also have parenting rights to match child support obligations, I don't know.  We here are peer support, sharing our experiences, strategies, etc, but we're not lawyers.

Being stuck with child support and yet unable to get visitation has happened to other non-genetic fathers.  This isn't your exact situation but it does show the risks, typically when the man doesn't manage to get the legal paperwork filed technically correct.
www.wgno.com/2016/07/28/colorado-man-forced-to-pay-child-support-despite-dna-test-results/
www.6abc.com/news/man-may-be-jailed-for-not-paying-child-support-for-son-who-isnt-his/490355/

This concept is discussed here:
www.womansdivorce.com/paternity-and-child-support.html

The reason I encouraged daughter to have counseling, besides it helping her, is that it could establish that you're a good father figure, something her mother would deny if it every became a court or CPS issue.

[markjjsmith95]

ForeverDad: Thanks. I have been thinking the school counseling would be helpful.
It's clear she has been traumatized and is having a difficult time regulating her emotions.
This seems like a logical step. What would happen if she begins talking about her mother's treatment of her in counseling? To me this almost seems like the best thing that could happen. My concern is her being taken away from her dad - the one adult in her life she trusts and she knows she is safe with because of my legal standing. I am her dad, her school tutor, her skateboarding buddy, her safe adult -- her everything at this age. Her mind and heart would collapse if that is taken away from her.

[HopefulDad]

Neither attorney you consulted could give you any advice, even something simple like, "start documenting everything and perhaps in a year or two you might have a case"?

ForeverDad's fourth bullet point (visitation rights tied to non-biological father child support) is worth investigating with a lawyer.

[markjjsmith95]

Thanks hopefuldad:
In fact one of the two attorneys did point out a action of the law stating that if a man holds out a child as his own, he may be granted some rights. This, he said, would amount to an hour at Denny's every other Saturday. This is when his "legal advice" became "go home and tell your wife you love her!" Translation: "you're up the creek without a paddle."
Thank you for taking time to respond.

[ForeverDad]

Family court is granted wide discretion in its decisions.  Also, it is charged more or less with making decisions in "the best interest of the child".  Sadly, the blood connection is seen as quite strong.  If a case if brought how you are that involved in her life, I would think the court may consider you as being a major contributor to her daily life.  You might get more than that 'crumb' of an hour on alternate Sundays.  Especially if mother's patterns are seen as closer to 'actionable'.

I think the lawyer described a typical court case.  Your situation is one that is less commonly dealt with in family court.  Lawyers and court usually ignore the mental health labels but they can address the behaviors documented if they see them sufficiently actionable.  Have you sought out a more proactive lawyer, one who would have strategies and fight for you rather than be inclined to make deals?  A question in consultations could be, "Who would YOU choose as YOUR lawyer if YOU faced a dilemma like mine?"  Move those attorneys to the top of your list to consult.

Those links I gave before about specific cases dealt with cases where the mother was on welfare or getting government support and so the government wanted it's money back and was unconcerned about anything else.

You said bio-father is not present.  Is there any court order for him to pay child support or anything?  Or has his mother done nothing to seek him out?