Revenge Temptation. But I am not made in this way...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well. There is this HANDSOME  man. Guys, he is. Really. Not so bright intellectually... .but anyway. He is so intersted in me. He is very kind, and we arranged  to meet on Saturday.
As you know my ex has been waving his woman in my face. I am so tempted to wave him. I know that this man wants to put things further.

But I am not ready. I am actually repented I arranged this date. I am not my ex. I am not ready to touch someone else. Or should I go for it? I feel so frail.

I do not know what to do.

[UnforgivenII]

Well. There is this HANDSOME  man. Guys, he is. Really. Not so bright intellectually... .but anyway. He is so intersted in me. He is very kind, and we arranged  to meet on Saturday.
As you know my ex has been waving his woman in my face. I am so tempted to wave him. I know that this man wants to put things further.

But I am not ready. I am actually repented I arranged this date. I am not my ex. I am not ready to touch someone else. Or should I go for it? I feel so frail.

I do not know what to do.

[xDash]

Despite it being tempting, it would't be fair on this other man...

Besides, I think showing you're happy by yourself is much more annoying to your ex than having to stoop to his level and use someone to do it for you.

You can do it, if he waves his new girlfriend, it shows he's really not worth the effort or attention he craves from you.

[fromheeltoheal]

I feel so frail.

I do not know what to do.

It's helpful to think what's the goal?  The desire for revenge is normal, and some say the best revenge is a life well lived.  So what is the ultimate goal Unforgiven?  Will dating this new man move you towards it?

[Rayban]

If your soul purpose to date the other guy is to get revenge on your ex, well I'm sorry to say, but you are no better then your ex. Don't play games with your ex, things will only escalate and you will never win against a disordered person.

Now if you simply want to go on a date to get to know the other guy better, and you feel ready to date then by all means go for.  Just remember don't lead this other guy on, and use him as a pawn. You are better then that Unforgiven.

[bus boy]

 Hi Unforgivenll, I know how you feel. My xw has done the bf in my face thing. It's hurtful and childish. I am all the way with Rayban on this.

I am alone and I get lonely but I'm not ready yet. The BPD person tells us how horrable we are and how horrible we treated them, if we were that bad, why are they not scared like us. They get into another r/s like nothing.

[Hopefulgirl]

A while back, after my ex was with my replacement there was this guy pal who would sortof flirt with me on Facebook. Meaning he would say funny charming things in response to my posts.(Of course Im too distraught to even speak to a man, let alone date).  So the ex while texting me one day asks if Im dating him.  Im tempted to say yes, but I thought a stupid lie would blow up in my face and I didnt want to lie so I said no.

 Of course, an hour later get text saying that he knows the guy is a nice man and why wasnt I "going for it?".

A part of me wanted revenge on him so badly, but like you ,Unforgiven, I wasnt made that way wasnt raised that way.

But what really got me is realizing that there COULDN'T be revenge of any kind given. If I threw some guy who was better looking, better job, wonderful kind man who everyone loves, in his face there wouldn't be revenge. Because the switch in his brain had already been thrown, the feelings of any wanting, jealousy or envy had evaporated literally overnight

The revenge temptation on his new partner is another story.

[fromheeltoheal]

The revenge temptation on his new partner is another story.

Is knowing she's in store for what you went through a comforting thought Hopeful?

[Rayban]

People with BPD tend to use jealousy as a means to keep us attached and keeping us thinking about them. Jealousy causes anxiety, anger, and decreased self esteem. It makes us weak, and when we are week we are easier to manipulate by a disordered person. It's important to question why we become jealous.  In some ways it evokes are own fear of abandonment.

I've felt this myself seeing my ex flirting with someonelse. This is even after I knew I wanted nothing to do with this person.  I had to learn to deal with this emotion. Asking myself questions as to why I was feeling this way, and understanding that it's just another manipulation tactic.

[amunt]

Go to a date with the guy and if you like him go for it,
but because you like him and not only for revenge.

Dont play with him

[amsheehy]

But what really got me is realizing that there COULDN'T be revenge of any kind given. If I threw some guy who was better looking, better job, wonderful kind man who everyone loves, in his face there wouldn't be revenge. Because the switch in his brain had already been thrown, the feelings of any wanting, jealousy or envy had evaporated literally overnight

^^^This

But I am not ready. I am actually repented I arranged this date. I am not my ex. I am not ready to touch someone else.

I think you know what you SHOULD do, but obviously (and understandably) still feel caught up in everything.  Sure, being able to wave some hot guy around for your ex to see might be satisfying to some extent initially, but in the end, what will it have accomplished?  Will you feel better about yourself after the dust settles?

Running out and finding someone as quickly as they have is a perfectly natural response, but it has the possibility to mask a lot of the pain and wounds, cause further confusion and prolong an already painful healing process.  You should be focused on yourself and your own growth and health, but also try to do so without inflicting the same kind of damage onto others that your ex has done to you. 

There's obviously nothing wrong with moving on with your life if you feel you're ready, but if there's still too many unhealed wounds or you feel as though you're compromising your integrity, maybe it'd be better to pause?

Or maybe it'd do you some good to have a little fun with some boy toy... .   

[Hopefulgirl]

In response to "Fromheeltoheal", I probably shouldn't use the word Revenge, because it's too strong a word for my Replacement. She doesn't have a personality disorder(that I know of) she's just a narcissist who has done me harm.
I felt for her of course in the beginning, because I had empathy for her that she pays for his company, but I will always hate her for her actions against me. I hope I can tell this to her face one day. I Will always regret being kind to her. I have zero empathy anymore.

 Maybe that's what having a relationship with a person with BPD does to you.

[Sadly]

If she is a narcissist then she has a personality disorder.

[fromheeltoheal]

I probably shouldn't use the word Revenge, because it's too strong a word for my Replacement. She doesn't have a personality disorder(that I know of) she's just a narcissist who has done me harm.
I felt for her of course in the beginning, because I had empathy for her that she pays for his company, but I will always hate her for her actions against me. I hope I can tell this to her face one day. I Will always regret being kind to her. I have zero empathy anymore.

 Maybe that's what having a relationship with a person with BPD does to you.

I understand Hopeful.  My only suggestion is to maybe look at your use of words like "always" and "zero", since they're absolute and that may change with time, and using words that don't limit you may give you more options in your own growth and healing.

[fromheeltoheal]

If she is a narcissist then she has a personality disorder.

Not necessarily Sadly.  Exhibiting narcissistic traits and having Narcissistic Personality Disorder are two different things, although they're on the same continuum, just like BPD.  In fact a little but of narcissism is a sign of a real self and a healthy ego and is a good thing, it's just when it gets taken to extremes that it's an issue, also like BPD.

[Sadly]

Thanks HtoH
Livin and learnin x

[UnforgivenII]

I have been extra clear with this man. I have explained my situation. Until last night. I am not the kind of person who plays with anyone. He is aware of the whole situation. He keeps telling me he wants to cuddle and protect me, that he does not want to give up without trying. I have been so sad today. So painfully sad.

All I want is curling up in a ball and cry. But my pain is stuck in me.

[C.Stein]

He keeps telling me he wants to cuddle and protect me

My ex said something very similar to me on many occasions.  

I just want to take care of you

As beautiful and comforting that sentiment is, when it was time for her to do that, to really take care of me after she had done something that hurt me, she didn't or couldn't.  

I know the intense desire to believe in the words.  I put so much belief, faith and trust in the words even after the following actions showed me the words were not genuine.  Why do we do this?  Why do we overlook the actions that negate the words entirely?