Anger: The only negative emotion she expresses

[QBert]

Hello again all,

I have a significant other who has BPD.  Her BPD is undiagnosed (but we both are pretty sure of the diagnosis ourselves) and untreated.

We've been together for 3 years -- and I do love her very dearly.  She is near and dear to my heart and I accept her for who she is -- BPD and all.  I would like to help her overcome some difficulties that cause ongoing headaches and heartaches in both our lives.

Anger seems to be the only negative emotion she expresses.  Once she becomes frustrated, if she can't see a way out of it immediately, she shuts down and spirals downward into anger... .abandoning any goal she was in process of achieving.

Please allow me to illustrate such a situation.

Recently she was on the way to a medical facility for an ultrasound.  The medical facility had asked her (when she booked the appointment the week prior) to bring her driver's license for Identification purposes.  Fast forward to the weekend, we went out to a club together and she was dressed up.  She didn't want to carry her purse in so she asked me to hold on to her driver's license as they would want it at the door.  I did and the night went on.  We both remained sober all night long... .so she could clearly recall she handed me her ID.  The day of her appointment came the next Monday (while I was at work -- an hour away) and she texted me 30 minutes before the appointment and asked if I had her license.  I looked in my wallet: Yep!

She became enraged and immediately turned her car around and headed back home.  I told her I would be happy to meet her at the Hospital (which was half way in the middle between us -- about 40 minutes away).  She didn't want that.  I called the registration people and asked if they would accept a texted photograph of her ID or an alternative form of photo identification (which she had on her).  They said they would be glad to accept either one.  I relayed that information to her 5 minutes later but by then it was too late.  She was on her way home and too angry to turn around and keep going to her appointment.  Of course, she tells me the missed appointment is all my fault -- because I didn't make sure her ID got back to her.

I feel that we both have shared responsibility for the failure to get her ID back into her wallet. Regardless of whether the ID was in her wallet or not, she could have kept her appointment without it (as explained above), had she simply kept going rather than immediately falling into anger and going home.

I'm sure her frustration is compounded by the fact she had to have a last minute cancel of this same appointment last week because her keys became locked in her car.  I can see how she'd be frustrated after two failed attempts at the same appointment.

This appointment is a key part in tracking down an ongoing sleep-related problem she's having.  At this point, she's unwilling to reschedule it a third time.  I want her to be able to get to the bottom of her sleep problems... .as I said earlier, I care about her deeply.

She is presently angry at me.  I have Read "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" as well as "Stop Walking on Eggshells", so I have some background with some of the teachings therein.

I know she has done things in the heat of anger in the past that she has often come to regret.  I would like to help her be able to continue on in the face of frustration, without spiralling into anger.

I would appreciate any feedback anyone here would be willing to offer about this specific situation or how I can help her get to the bigger goal: more constructive management of frustrating situations so that she can continue through the frustration onward to her particular goal.

Thank you in advance for your thoughts, for those who have something to contribute.

Concerned (because of love) and a bit frustrated myself.

QBert

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[QBert]

Bumps -- any thoughts?

[coworkerfriend]

I wish there was something I could say to help you - I know exactly how frustrating it is to have a situation spiral into anger.  My pwBPD copes in the exact same way.  He makes things worse - harder for everyone when he is faced with a frustrating situation.  Most of the time, he realizes he is mad at himself but projects that anger onto me instead of changing his behavior.

He is self aware and he knows that anger makes the situation worse.  When is clear, he often acknowledges his role.  What I have learned is that there is nothing I can do to make it better.  Often my goal is to just not make the situation worse.  I know that I can't fix or change the way he reacts to situations.  He is the only one who can do that.

I have spent 4 years on this forum - trying to learn and understand.  None of this is easy.  I wish you the best.

[QBert]

I wish there was something I could say to help you - I know exactly how frustrating it is to have a situation spiral into anger.  My pwBPD copes in the exact same way.  He makes things worse - harder for everyone when he is faced with a frustrating situation.  Most of the time, he realizes he is mad at himself but projects that anger onto me instead of changing his behavior.

He is self aware and he knows that anger makes the situation worse.  When is clear, he often acknowledges his role.  What I have learned is that there is nothing I can do to make it better.  Often my goal is to just not make the situation worse.  I know that I can't fix or change the way he reacts to situations.  He is the only one who can do that.

I have spent 4 years on this forum - trying to learn and understand.  None of this is easy.  I wish you the best.

I have noted this much: some people with BPD turn their anger inward and blame/hate on themselves while others turn their anger outward and hate on/blame others -- unfortunately often towards those that they are closest to.

I love her and I want to help her learn to manage her anger so that it isn't such a destructive force that throws her off her current task/goal.

Thank you for sharing your story,

[ArleighBurke]

My BPD wife exhibits similar behaviour to yours. Once she is triggered emotionally, she can't recover. I could imagine mine would have reacted exactly the same way to yours. Almost the all-or-nothing kind of response. Many times we've had 1 little thing go wrong and "it's all ruined!"

You say she accepts she has BPD. Is she in therapy? A trained professional should be able to help... .

[QBert]

You say she accepts she has BPD. Is she in therapy? A trained professional should be able to help... .

No.  She believes counseling and such things don't work and are a waste of time.  From what I understand, therapy won't work unless: the person genuinely wants to be in therapy (not an ultimatum) and buys into it.

[waverider]

The moment she is trigger she jumps to the conclusion all her days plans are ruined and its a massive stuff up. Catastrophizing and thinking the worse. The snowball is pushed off the hill. Natural instinct is to blame someone and go into victim mode.

We all do it momentarily, but we snap out of it. With a pwBPD it gains too much momentum quickly. The mind set sets in too deeply.

When you try to address it with logical solutions you are going head to head with this mind set, it is invalidating to her as you are flat out telling her she is wrong. You have stepped in front of the snowball it explodes in your face. In short your attempts to fix it are too abrupt.

You need to slow the snowball down. This is done by the use of validation and empathy, she feels like crap. Show you are onside and can see this, then start to slow it down by prompting alternatives for her to consider.

Rather than:
"Its not the end of the world I can meet you"

Put it in empathy and question form:

"Thats a bummer (SUPPORT), I bet that really threw your day (EMPATHY), would it help you if I met you somewhere so that you dont have to go through organizing it all again? What do you think? Would that help?(TRUTH)"

[QBert]

Put it in empathy and question form:

"Thats a bummer (SUPPORT), I bet that really threw your day (EMPATHY), would it help you if I met you somewhere so that you dont have to go through organizing it all again? What do you think? Would that help?(TRUTH)"

Thank you -- my first instinct is to be a problem solver.  Fix the problem, get on our way and address the feelings afterward.  Your SET makes a lot of sense.

Got any thoughts on how I can help her express her negative feelings in a way other than furious outward anger?

[QBert]

My S/O recently experienced some growth in this area of expressive negative emotions.  She was relaying to me what she had told another person recently.  She recently lost a close relationship she had with this other person.  As she was telling me what had transpired, my S/O started to cry.  It was one of the few times I had seen her cry.

I had known she was feeling pain over her recent loss, but it had almost entirely come out as anger about the other person.  Seeing her cry, though sad, I felt was a huge growth step for her.  I embraced her and validated that it was okay and perfectly normal to be sad about her recent loss.