Tired of my BPD wife

[IWantToLive]

Hi All, long time! Hope you are doing good.

So, this time my BPD wife has issues with me because of my sis meeting with her friends (most of them males). I was away on a tour for 3 days while my sis is visiting us before she leaves for masters at Syracuse Uni. While she is here she decided to catch up with her friends from past who are in the city I live in. Suddenly, however, my wife is having issues with her meeting with her friends as it so turned out that most of them are males. I am back home and today when my sis left to meet another of her friend, all hell let loose. Yelling, calling out names, calling me a Casanova and that my entire family is a lecher. My sis is an adult and has every right to meet anyone as long as she has her mind and heart at the right place. I fail to understand why my wife is getting upset about it. How am I responsible for my sis or family members' actions?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Wutnow32]

North face, I feel for you and your situation. The suggestions so far in this thread are on the mark tho, as difficult as they may be. I used to be a huge 'fixer' and then learned about codependency and how fixing can be detrimental to both parties involved. Also, reasoning does NOT work. I liken it to a cornered rabid animal. If that animal could speak to you, would you try to reason with it? Probably not. More likely try to diffuse the situation or remove yourself from the threat. Same with BPD outbursts. If you can't calmly engage her to discuss her feelings, you need to skillfully remove yourself from the situation. I believe there are reading materials in this website that discuss this. If nothing else, please consider the patterns and skills that your kids are picking up. With a BPD mom, they especially need to learn, from you, how to be skillful with their mom. How they see you respond will be their skill set in dealing with conflict as they grow up and develop.its just as important for them as it is for you to pick up tools and learn skills to make your life better should you decide to stay in your relationship. I wish you all the luck in the world. As I'm finding out, having a BPD spouse is not for the weak at heart.

[waverider]

. How am I responsible for my sis or family members' actions?

You are not, so dont get sucked into the debate by defending anyone. Disengage, if you get abused as a result then have boundaries around abuse, dont make it issue based.

Your wife is projecting her own insecurities, this specific issue with your sister is just a vehicle for doing it. By getting engaged in the subject you give it substance.

I like to think of pwBPD as someone who likes to box with their own shadows and believe their own shadow is a seperate identity who is responsible for their own actions. By adding to the interaction the shadow comes to live, and the delusions are validated.

[IWantToLive]

Thanks @waverider and @Wutnow32!

So, sleeping time, we are in bed (kids in other room) and she comes aggressively asking if I believe her observations about my sis or not. I tried avoiding, not answering and that makes her even more aggressive. Asking questions like "you don't believe your own wife?" and lots of crying around it. I tried reasoning to some extent suggesting if she is responsible for her brother's actions to which the answer is that her brother is not indulging himself. I asked her what does want me to do but no answer to that, just want to rant about my sis. Finally, my manager called me as he wanted some updates and that rescued me.

Woke up in the morning, she saw me and walked out of home for nearly an hour. Over last one year I have somehow learnt to not follow up every time she does such things. I prepared tea in the meantime for everyone. She is back and even though she is aware that I have prepared tea, she prepares one for herself. Now she is not talking. Ever since I came back from my trip, environment is so heavy. This silence treatment actually is what I am not able to tolerate as I feel unknowingly kids are biggest sufferers of it.

This is her way. If I don't respond to her rants, whatsoever, she will get even more aggressive.

[Wutnow32]

My bad, Iwanttolive, my last response said northface. But you got it. There is a technique that one of my many therapists told me about, it's called 'fogging'. It's hard to describe but it's kind of like agreeing with the other person, then they have nothing else to say. For instance in your case about your sis, if you turn to the wife and say "yeah I could see how it might look like my sister is being indulgent, but she's my sister and I love her anyway". Then you are validating her point of view but refusing to engage in arguing about it.
Just a suggestion. Do you have a counselor yet to talk to?

[waverider]

My bad, Iwanttolive, my last response said northface. But you got it. There is a technique that one of my many therapists told me about, it's called 'fogging'. It's hard to describe but it's kind of like agreeing with the other person, then they have nothing else to say. For instance in your case about your sis, if you turn to the wife and say "yeah I could see how it might look like my sister is being indulgent, but she's my sister and I love her anyway". Then you are validating her point of view but refusing to engage in arguing about it.
Just a suggestion. Do you have a counselor yet to talk to?

Thats validating the feeling while not validating invalid facts. Often it is only the feeling they want validating, but are presenting distorted facts to try to express it. Often we engage the distorted facts and hence miss the feeling... which is ultimately invalidating.

[IWantToLive]

Thats validating the feeling while not validating invalid facts. Often it is only the feeling they want validating, but are presenting distorted facts to try to express it. Often we engage the distorted facts and hence miss the feeling... which is ultimately invalidating.

I have tried doing this but haven't been successful when actual discussions go on for hours and she doesn't even get tired.

I am being asked to travel for 3 months abroad on an official trip and like last year when I had to travel for just 1 month, she is at it again. She has hidden my passport and keeps threatening me that she will not let me travel.

My sister's topic as discussed above hasn't died yet and she keeps pulling me in with questions like "who do I believe - her view point or my sister's viewpoint."

Yesterday, she woke me up 1230 AM to argue with me how am I able to find time to go for a meditation course (something I wanted to attend to get out of all this mess) but not find time to spend time with her. Comparing herself with kids as to how I am so fond of them but not hers. 10 years we have had evening strolls, morning tea together, late night movies at home, outings to varied places etc etc. and still she feels we haven't spent time together. At times I work from home (WFH) and her expectation is that when she is home that time I should spend time with her. When did WFH means making time out for a partner and not care about work? Her sermons or arguments finished only by 2AM.

I wake up every morning with a heavy head, even if I have had a good sleep.

I offered her this meditation program to attend and declined stating that I need it more. So, I was ready to do that and still complaints! For 2 months she has been sleeping in another room and then expects me to come after her. I didn't and she complains.

It is like do whatever, I am doomed!

[Wutnow32]

How have things been going 'I Want to Live'? Just checking in.

[IWantToLive]

How have things been going 'I Want to Live'? Just checking in.

Hi Wutnow32, thanks for asking! Hope you doing good.

It has been a month that I am away from home on my official trip to London. After all her tantrums about how she will not let me travel and throwing things around, she somehow mellowed down (am not able to recall the chain of events, such is my memory.) My mother arrived to help her look after kids in my absence. So, she has all required support to carry on with her work and life.

I speak with her twice a day which I guess keeps her remain calm. At times she cribs about my mum, I listen to her and try not to react. Overall, it has been peaceful so far. She and my 2 kids are joining me for 2 weeks in Oct.

I am not sure what impact this, sort of "separation", is having on her but I am hoping it changes her in some way for something positive. Not sure how life will be when I am back after completing my tour. Yesterday, she was telling me that this arrangement works where I am away and these people can come and see me for a couple of weeks every few months. Wish I can do that but I love my kids and miss them and I would want to be back even if the cost is to be wary of her behavior all the time.

Thanks.

[IWantToLive]

am not able to recall the chain of events, such is my memory

Finally, able to recall. So, she had hidden my travel docs. She held me to ransom that if I want my docs back I need to immediately call up a lawyer and proceed with divorce formalities. I agreed, called up a lawyer and requested for all info and how he can help in proceeding with it, agreed fees etc.

She then wanted to discuss who will keep the flat that we were currently in. I replied that whomsoever is with kids gets to stay there as kids will not be disturbed. Her decision was to leave kids with me and she started packing her stuff to leave. All drama though. Pretended to book a cab and then fighting with this fictitious driver for not arriving (no cab ever arrived.) Finally, when she saw that I am not concerned and offering no help, came to me to ask if I really wanted a divorce. That point we got talking properly and things got settled. 

[IWantToLive]

She and my 2 kids are joining me for 2 weeks in Oct.

So, she is with me in London as of now and only yesterday we returned from a week long Portugal trip. As expected, there was drama on this one as well and as per her I spoiled her trip.

So, on day 2 of our trip after we returned from an outing to the hotel, I took my 2 kids 7 years and 3 years old to the restaurant for dinner and my wife started walking to the room to fetch something. Suddenly I received a distressed call from her that some drunk person is trying to abuse her on the way to our room. Thinking of the situation aloud I muttered "I have our 3 year old with me" and that time there was no known adult in the dining room whom I could have requested to look at the kids in my absence.

She heard me say that and started screaming then and there. I asked my 3 year old to stay seated and not go anywhere until I am back and ran for my wife. When I reached the floor our room was on, I noticed my wife about to enter the room and she that very moment screamed "have you no manners to come after me when I needed you, are kids more important in such a situation?" I was like I do need to secure a 3 year old first or else she may panic and do something. But that didn't pacify my wife. Since that time until the time on our flight back I just got silent treatment from my wife. Mid way on our flight to London she started the argument which continued until the time we reached home about 3 hours later. To have an excuse to fight with me she picked up on every nonsense thing like me speaking with a lady in our group (4 families went together) or that lady wanting to be with me (which was never the case) or where I used another lady in the group as a messenger to pass on a message to my wife.

Her bottomline - that I don't care for her and all 11 years that we have been together everyone else is imp to me but not her and that I am a pervert who just satisfies himself by looking at females or having them around!

I tried reasoning to her why every organized handling of situations requires the weakest to be secured first (kids and old first and then rest) but didn't work. Instead, that she wanted to be on next flight back home no matter what are cancellation and fare difference.

I wish there was a way for me to get away from her forever and live a life peacefully without being judged. I now wonder if actually ever there was this drunk man or was it another of her fabricated situation to test my reaction. Irrespective, I am fed up.

[Enabler]

Highly doubtful, likely just another test in the never ending hoop jumping exercise.

[IWantToLive]

Highly doubtful, likely just another test in the never ending hoop jumping exercise.

How does it make her feel better? What drives them to enjoy agony over peace and understanding with others? What pleasure these people derive by having a pecking order in their mind? Kids cannot take care of themselves but adults can and hence kids need to be looked at first. That doesn't mean they are more important than other relationships.

[Enabler]

This is just me guessing but... .she doesn't feel safe, she feels out of control. By knowing that she has complete control of you (you are the replacement for the attachment she should/tried/tries to have with her parents (and as emotionally mature adults we have with ourselves)... .and she's emotionally still a child) ensures that she feels safety again. My guess is that something like a holiday where she's in a strange place induces fear, fear such that a child would experience when they find themselves alone in the middle of M&S with nbo sight of Mum. She wants to be nurtured, she wants to feel safe. There's a lot on here about looking through the Anger to the primary emotion. You've got kids right, you know that your 3yr old demonstrates ALL emotions as anger... .I have 3/7&9 and all of them seem to have a very limited emotional paint pallet. For her, she feels scared, she cannot comprehend why on earth you're not responding to her NEED as an absolute emergency and therefore she feels abandoned... .all you see is the secondary emotion which is anger. This isn't to make them feel better, this gives her no pleasure, she's not sadistic.

Re her place in the pecking order, she feels as if she's on fire (not literally), if you saw her on fire, would you stop to make sure your 3yr old daughter has enough toys to play with before extinguishing the flames? No... .you would act immediately. You judge the severity of the situation and the immediacy of the need to action on a TOTALLY different scale to her. I always wondered why my uBPDw never ever used the word want, only used the word NEED. I thought it was weird, but actually, for her, it was a NEED. In the same way that a child NEEDS a new bike for Christmas. It's real for her.

[waverider]

I now wonder if actually ever there was this drunk man or was it another of her fabricated situation to test my reaction. Irrespective, I am fed up.

I get these kinds of fabrications all the time. She just felt vulnerable, and so probably made up, or chronically distorted, a scenario as a way of expressing it. Her overreaction was due to you not first showing concern and reassuring her emotionally before going into logic mode. The rest is escalation including a bit of JADE that keeps the attention on her.

[waverider]

I always wondered why my uBPDw never ever used the word want, only used the word NEED. I thought it was weird, but actually, for her, it was a NEED. In the same way that a child NEEDS a new bike for Christmas. It's real for her.

Many cannot differentiate between wants and need. Everything is a perceived and immediate need. Until its not wanted any more. It is important that we can differentiate and not get swept up in all the fanfare, otherwise we validate the want as a need.

[IWantToLive]

All,

Need your help. Have been on this forum now over a year but I guess am still far from understanding how not to JADE or invalidate when accused of something that I was never ever inclined to do myself even in my dreams!

I have cited before how my BPD wife has linked me to females (that I am hitting on them), that I am a totally frustrated pervert who gets satisfaction just by ogling at females (no matter what age) or talking to them.

I have definitely cut down on my arguments with her and it has been over a month now that we have spoken straight. I behave normal with my kids (even in her presence) but she is transactional with me and even with kids (in my presence). However, I am unable to stand it when she accuses me of something that I haven't done and then start calling out names and badmouthing me. It is then that I start defending myself, seethe in anger (literally wanted to bang her head into a wall).

How do I set boundaries with her? Even if I walk out of the room, she will follow me to the other. She doesn't think twice waking me up from sleep to rant her perception of events.

[ArleighBurke]

It may be better to start a new thread for this topic.

Because it is almost a new topic, and because I think threads are limited in size and this one is approaching its max.

But my 2c on your answer - imagine your wife as a 5yr little girl. And if your 5yr old little girl gets annoyd at something you do and starts calling you a stinky bottom - would you get upset, JADE, be angry? You would simply say "I'm sorry you feel that way babe" and walk away. Probably with a little smirk on your face. Or you would roll with it: "I *AMMM* a big stinky bottom - and I'm coming to stink on you!" and chase her.

You set your own frame on life.