BPD Wife Wants To Divorce

[forgump]

My wife and I are in our 40's. We have two kids, one in elementary school and one in middle school. The older one is from my wife's previous relationship.

We met in 2006 and things got hot and heavy quickly. Then I made an insensitive remark about her appearance, and she broke up with me, went back to her previous boyfriend, then several months later we reconciled, and several months after that, married.

I began to see extreme and irrational anger starting in our honeymoon. After a couple of years, I asked to see a couples therapist, and she acquiesced, but stopped coming after a few months. The therapist told me my wife is living under a mountain of anxiety, and probably has some form of OCD.

We are now in the 10th year of our marriage. She has always had hair trigger anger, and found any changes to set plans very upsetting. But generally we settled into a stable married life. Or so I thought. Our sex life was always bad. Although it was incendiary during courtship, after marriage, she rarely wanted me. She said I needed to do something -- something she couldn't specify -- that would make her feel wanted, which would turn her on.

About a year ago, my wife started smoking marijuana every night. She always had trouble falling asleep -- she'd have to have the TV on to drown out the thoughts in her head. She said the marijuana helped her fall asleep.

Soon after that, I was alerted by a relative that my wife was electronically stalking an in-law. I confronted her, and we reconciled. Then about six months ago, she confesses to me that she's doing it again. She said she had a relationship with this guy. I was baffled, because the first time it happened, I thought she understood that the guy did not want this, and had alerted his family about it, which in turn had come back to me. I emailed the guy directly, asking him to tell my wife what's going on. He immediately wrote my wife, and my wife and I had another tearful reconciliation. I thought she would finally accept that she had imagined the whole relationship.

A couple of weeks after that confrontation, my wife says she wants a divorce. She does not find me attractive any more. Some time after that, it comes out that she still believes she and the guy had a relationship, and that he betrayed her by denying the relationship.

My wife is a very loving, attentive Mom. Probably too much so, in that any conflict with kids gives her too much anxiety. She has been a stay-at-home Mom, and now she believes she can jump start an art career. She has also expressed that she wants to feel that feeling of love and euphoria she felt with the in-law ... .forever. She has always been very sensitive about her appearance and aging, and lamented the dwindling attention from men. She loves to swim but rarely goes swimming because she cannot bear to be in a swimsuit, even though she is incredibly beautiful. She does not allow people to take photos of her, and does not looking in the mirror.

It may be a coincidence, but nearly exactly at this age, her mother cheated on her husband with many men, and eventually divorced him years after. So I think there might be a mid-life crisis component to this as well.

My wife has never been diagnosed with BPD, but in my amateur judgment, it fits too well. Not just her married life with me, but what I have heard about her life before I met her. In particular, in her previous relationship, she continually broke up and got back together with an abusive boyfriend repeatedly for two years. She said she asked herself, "Why am I doing this?" And did not have an answer.

At this point, I accept that divorce is inevitable. I accept that her falling in love with me was likely driven by BPD. What I hope is that somehow, she comes to a point where she gets professional treatment. Right now she outright rejects individual therapy, even though a couple of people close to her have said she needs it. Everything I've read ... .it sounds like we just have to wait until she hits rock bottom, and realizes for herself that she needs some type of help.

I'd appreciate any thoughts and responses. I have been in individual therapy, and that has given me much support and direction.

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[ArleighBurke]

Wow. I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. But welcome to the site - I hope you can get answers and support here.

I think BPDs are always seeking *something* to make them feel better. A new lover, a new car, a new drug. They don't realise that the pain they feel is internal, and nothing external will help. But they keep trying.

It certainly sounds like she may be BPD, and her actions support this. And if she does have BPD then there may be little you can do to keep the relationship. But there are things you can try... .

• Firstly, how is your marriage ignoring the BPD? You say you aren't having sex - that could be a PBD or a non-BPD problem... .(Mine needs me to do *something* to turn her on too - but that is quite a common female need). I think any marriage without affection/sex will cause problems.
• How is your "drive" for life? Do you do fun things? Do you have a hobby?
• How is you conversational techique with her? You seem to have read up on BPD a bit. Do you talk with Validation?

[forgump]

There must have been some people who were successful persuading or coaxing a pwBPD to get treatment. BPD books I've read do say that sometimes an ultimatum must be given -- that suggests that coercion works, at least in some cases?

W/o BPD -- the sudden bursts of anger and insecurities -- I thought we had a good marriage. We are both family-oriented, have good conversations, have similar socio-economic-political values, and partnered pretty well in practical matters.

When we did have sex, it seemed to satisfy both of us, and she seemed very into it. It was just hard to get it started. We were in general very affectionate, very physically expressive with very regular hugs, kisses, and verbal expressions of affection. I tried all kinds of different approaches to be romantic but it rarely succeeded. She knew I was trying and felt guilty, and the few times we talked about it, said I needed to do something to make her feel intensely wanted. She generally refused to talk about it. So I never really understood what exactly was missing, nor what I could have done.

I believe I have a strong drive for life. I'm active, inside the house and outdoors, I'm industrious -- to the point that my wife felt guilty that I did too many things. I just don't like sitting around too much. I always planned get togethers and trips -- more than my wife wanted. And I have outdoor hobbies that I do regularly. In fact, early on in our marriage, my wife did not want me to go away for the few hours I went away on a weekend day. She wanted me around the house. She often expressed suspicion that I was out having an affair, even if I ran out to the grocery store to get something.

Before my marriage unravelled, I thought we had good conversations, but I did not practice validation. After she asked for a divorce, I started reading about BPD and avoiding divorces, and learned about validation, and have been trying to validate, as well as stop trying to reason with her about staying married.

[QBert]

There must have been some people who were successful persuading or coaxing a pwBPD to get treatment. BPD books I've read do say that sometimes an ultimatum must be given -- that suggests that coercion works, at least in some cases?

From my understanding counseling does not help a pwBPD -- unless they want the counseling and they are interested in making changes themselves to make their life better.  It is for this reason I have never pushed my partner to get counseling.  If she ever decides she wants it, I'll help her find a good practitioner.

Sometimes a partner will say to a pwBPD "if you don't attend counseling, I'm done."  This sometimes results with the person going to get treatment, but the treatment isn't very effective because the person didn't want it themselves but rather a force external to them provided a motivation.

That's what my reading on the topic has lead me to believe, at least.

I hope things improve for your situation.