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How to communicate after a contentious divorce... Following a contentious divorce and custody battle, there are often high emotion and tensions between the parents. Research shows that constant and chronic conflict between the parents negatively impacts the children. The children sense their parents anxiety in their voice, their body language and their parents behavior. Here are some suggestions from Dean Stacer on how to avoid conflict.
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Author Topic: Blended families? Or planning to?  (Read 348 times)
Dontknow88
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« on: September 28, 2016, 12:51:07 PM »

Has anyone here ever moved on from a relationship with the a BPD person that you had kids with? Maybe even have a blended family now? Or planning to. Did you find a healthy, normal as it gets relationship?
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Thunderstruck
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
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« Reply #1 on: September 29, 2016, 09:37:53 AM »

Our situation is... DH and uBPDbm were never married. They met and uBPDbm was pregnant two weeks later. DH tried to stick around for 8 years to take care of my SD but was never very committed to being with uBPDbm. It was a very toxic situation for all of them.

I met DH shortly after he had moved out. Since uBPDbm was being "abandoned", she was really triggered and used EVERY dirty trick in the book to try to make DH stay. DH, SD, and I all went through a lot in the first year. It was a trying start, but DH and I were really strong because we were honest with each other and compassionate.

DH and I have been married for two years. We have had one baby (already 1 years old!) and have another on the way plus we have SD11 50/50 so that's our blended family situation. We don't plan on having anymore kids after this, although fostering/adoption might be in the future (if we get a bigger house!). Things are mostly smooth but we do run into flare ups from uBPDbm every so often.
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Dontknow88
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 331



« Reply #2 on: September 29, 2016, 12:15:30 PM »

Our situation is... DH and uBPDbm were never married. They met and uBPDbm was pregnant two weeks later. DH tried to stick around for 8 years to take care of my SD but was never very committed to being with uBPDbm. It was a very toxic situation for all of them.

I met DH shortly after he had moved out. Since uBPDbm was being "abandoned", she was really triggered and used EVERY dirty trick in the book to try to make DH stay. DH, SD, and I all went through a lot in the first year. It was a trying start, but DH and I were really strong because we were honest with each other and compassionate.

DH and I have been married for two years. We have had one baby (already 1 years old!) and have another on the way plus we have SD11 50/50 so that's our blended family situation. We don't plan on having anymore kids after this, although fostering/adoption might be in the future (if we get a bigger house!). Things are mostly smooth but we do run into flare ups from uBPDbm every so often.


I'm glad you made it work! I hope to find someone great like how your DH did in you!
Congrats on your new pregnancy and I wish you all the best!

My BPD ex left me when I was 8months pregnant and now our son is 8 months old. Laity I've been thinking I'll be a single mothers for the rest of my life cause of the drama my BPDex brings.




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Nope
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Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: married
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« Reply #3 on: September 29, 2016, 12:32:04 PM »

I've been with DH for four and a half years, married for two and a half and he's had sole physical custody of his two kids from his first marriage for two years. uBPDm gets some visitation, but not much, and she doesn't use a lot of what she gets because she lives out of state from us and refuses to travel. uBPDm left my DH long before I was ever in the picture and since she was the abandoner they had somewhat of an ok co-parenting relationship up until DH started his first serious relationship after the divorce. Then she became abandoned and triggered and the alienation and withholding of visitation started. By the time I came along court dates for contempt were already in the works. I'd had a step mother as a kid so I had some idea of what a blended family should and shouldn't look like but I had never actually seriously dated a guy with kids before... uBPDm made things pretty miserable until she lost custody. Then a week and a half later she was back on the dating web sites. Now she really only makes things difficult 1) shortly after she sees the kids and suddenly wants to create conflict so that she feels more involved in their lives and 2) when we are making visitation plans when the go to see her or we ask her for the money she's supposed to be paying for uninsured medical expenses. That's usually when the controlling, asking the kids to break our house rules just to prove she's still in charge in their eyes, behaviors start. Yes, it still drives us batty when she pulls something, but we don't let it harm our relationship.

My DH was barely an adult when he met his BPDxw. I think he learned a lot from that experience about what he will and won't tolerate in a relationship. He'd say one of his favorite things about me right from the beginning is I don't do the "it's fine" thing. You know, where usually the woman will tell the guy something he wants to do or something he did was "fine" when it really wasn't and she'll make him pay for it in spades later. I've never expected him to be a mind reader. Although after years of marriage to a BPD he has become hyper sensitive to shifts in mood and seems to know how I'm going to feel as soon as I do. So I think it's possible to have a reasonably healthy blended family as long as both people remember to put the marriage first and are prepared to weather some storms to make it work. I know that is something that is possible. But it's up to each individual whether or not it'll be possible for them.
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Panda39
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner’s ex
Relationship status: SO and I have been together 9 years and have just moved in together this summer.
Posts: 3462



« Reply #4 on: September 29, 2016, 02:06:37 PM »

I don't live with my SO we have various commitments that don't make it possible right now, but have been together for 6 years.  He has an uBPDxw and 2 daughters and I have one son.

We met when he was separated from his wife and was going through a really rough divorce that lasted 2 years.  He told me about her weirdness on our first date (may not be considered good first date etiquette but I appreciated the honesty) I really didn't "get it" until further into our relationship and it was even further in before we discovered BPD and realized it fit the wife's behaviors to a tee. 

When we met the ex had majority custody my SO was a Wednesday Dinner and EOW dad so we had the luxury of time on our own (my son is older) so we began to form a couple and eventually fell in love.

Was having a relationship during a divorce from someone with BPD easy? Heck No!  My SO was still very much in the FOG and the ex was using the kids as weapons, as spies, and tools to engage my SO with her.  She was both neglecting the kids and spoiling them... .just a lot of Drama!  Was it easy for me?  No but I loved this guy and our relationship together was great so I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak.

By learning about BPD and finding this site (I arrived here one angry... .at the ex... .woman) we have been able to talk in the same language about his ex and her problems.  We see the patterns in her behavior and now can anticipate her reactions to things.  We don't have her in our lives much anymore because she has hurt her children D20 and D19 to the point where they barely have anything to do with her anymore which in turn keeps her out of our lives.

So to answer your question yes you can have a relationship with someone who has an ex that is BPD, it's tough sometimes but it's how you handle those tough times together that will give a clue about you as a couple... .do you pull apart or do you have a strong united front during stress caused by the ex?  It's always good to reinforce and strengthen your relationship with time away from the drama together just the two of you.  That could be in the form of a date night, a weekend get-away or just snuggling in bed on a Saturday morning.

I would describe our relationship has happy and healthy.  We don't have any co-dependence, we enjoy each others company, we encourage each other, we laugh a lot (he's a corny nerd with a great sense of humor)... .

Yes it can be done.

Panda39
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"Have you ever looked fear in the face and just said, I just don't care" -Pink
Thunderstruck
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 823



« Reply #5 on: September 29, 2016, 02:15:57 PM »

I'm glad you made it work! I hope to find someone great like how your DH did in you!
Congrats on your new pregnancy and I wish you all the best!

My BPD ex left me when I was 8months pregnant and now our son is 8 months old. Laity I've been thinking I'll be a single mothers for the rest of my life cause of the drama my BPDex brings.

Aww, dating is hard. Dating with a child is hard. Dating with a child and a BPDex trying to sabotage your life is very hard.   But I truly believe there is a lid to every pot.

Have you checked out the Building Healthy Relationships and Dating board?
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"Rudeness is the weak person's imitation of strength."

"The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so. But we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitos and silly people." -Ralph Waldo Emerson
Dontknow88
****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 331



« Reply #6 on: September 29, 2016, 08:32:10 PM »

I don't live with my SO we have various commitments that don't make it possible right now, but have been together for 6 years.  He has an uBPDxw and 2 daughters and I have one son.

We met when he was separated from his wife and was going through a really rough divorce that lasted 2 years.  He told me about her weirdness on our first date (may not be considered good first date etiquette but I appreciated the honesty) I really didn't "get it" until further into our relationship and it was even further in before we discovered BPD and realized it fit the wife's behaviors to a tee. 

When we met the ex had majority custody my SO was a Wednesday Dinner and EOW dad so we had the luxury of time on our own (my son is older) so we began to form a couple and eventually fell in love.

Was having a relationship during a divorce from someone with BPD easy? Heck No!  My SO was still very much in the FOG and the ex was using the kids as weapons, as spies, and tools to engage my SO with her.  She was both neglecting the kids and spoiling them... .just a lot of Drama!  Was it easy for me?  No but I loved this guy and our relationship together was great so I didn't want to throw the baby out with the bath water so to speak.

By learning about BPD and finding this site (I arrived here one angry... .at the ex... .woman) we have been able to talk in the same language about his ex and her problems.  We see the patterns in her behavior and now can anticipate her reactions to things.  We don't have her in our lives much anymore because she has hurt her children D20 and D19 to the point where they barely have anything to do with her anymore which in turn keeps her out of our lives.

So to answer your question yes you can have a relationship with someone who has an ex that is BPD, it's tough sometimes but it's how you handle those tough times together that will give a clue about you as a couple... .do you pull apart or do you have a strong united front during stress caused by the ex?  It's always good to reinforce and strengthen your relationship with time away from the drama together just the two of you.  That could be in the form of a date night, a weekend get-away or just snuggling in bed on a Saturday morning.

I would describe our relationship has happy and healthy.  We don't have any co-dependence, we enjoy each others company, we encourage each other, we laugh a lot (he's a corny nerd with a great sense of humor)... .

Yes it can be done.

Panda39



I can Handel stress caused by him pretty well, stress in general. I just got discouraged a bit because it's obviously an extra problem on top of the every day normal problems. I just hope he (Ex) doesn't drive whoever I date in the future .
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Dontknow88
****
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Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 331



« Reply #7 on: September 29, 2016, 08:32:53 PM »

I'm glad you made it work! I hope to find someone great like how your DH did in you!
Congrats on your new pregnancy and I wish you all the best!

My BPD ex left me when I was 8months pregnant and now our son is 8 months old. Laity I've been thinking I'll be a single mothers for the rest of my life cause of the drama my BPDex brings.

Aww, dating is hard. Dating with a child is hard. Dating with a child and a BPDex trying to sabotage your life is very hard.   But I truly believe there is a lid to every pot.

Have you checked out the Building Healthy Relationships and Dating board?

Smiling (click to insert in post), no ill checkout that board !
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