16 year old in therapeutic school/ Taking responsibility/ Impact Letter

[473harman]

Has anyone written an impact letter to their child? The therapeutic boarding school that my daughter is currently enrolled in uses it as part of the parent program. For the past two years I have been trying to protect her from confronting the damage she has inflicted on other people, as I was afraid that she might become overwhelmed and try to hurt herself, while wondering how could someone who is so sensitive be totally oblivious to the damage she inflicts on others.

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Quama]

Hi 
I hope that your child is doing well in the therapeutic boarding school that you chose.  I have a 16 yr old child that has gone to a residential treatment center (45 days) and a therapeutic boarding school (5 months.)  It is a very difficult decision to make and I have no doubt that you and your family experienced a lot of pain to get to that point.
I wanted to ask you if this therapeutic boarding school specializes in the treatment of BPD adolescents.  It's a very particular specialty and difficult to find.  Methods that may work with other children could be ineffective or even harmful when attempted with a BPD adolescent.  I am NOT a mental health professional, just a mom who is trying their best to support and empower their BPD child.  And I have received such amazing support here, if there is any way to offer that to others I would love to do so. 
I know that with my 16 yr old child, an impact letter would do tremendous damage.  Please know that I am only speaking from my experience with my particular child.  But I wanted to offer this view for your consideration.  Something that we did that is a slightly different approach was to each write my child's life story from our own perspective.  We shared our stories and talked about how, although we were both in the same place at the same time, our experience of most events was very different.  My child now better understands that although my actions/reactions may have felt one way to them at the time, my feelings and intent may have been very different.  And I am learning how to adapt to prevent misunderstandings like this more often.   It's a practice that we continue today, sharing in a safe way how differently we may at times interpret people and events.
Another point to consider, BPD children carry a ton of shame at all times.  They rarely know to tell you this, it just reveals itself in behaviors that don't seem to correlate.  I simply cannot imagine that adding to that shame could be productive.  In my child, a letter of impact would trigger an intense fear of abandonment - something that is always lurking in the background.  Your child could react differently, but what I have described are pretty typical for BPD adolescents so it's just food for thought.
I hope that you and your child find the right support and care and that you can work together to learn what helps each person in your family.  One size certainly does not fit all!
Best of luck and I'd love to hear more about your journey, and of course offer any support you may need.

[473harman]

Hi - thank you for your response Quama. They do deal with BPD, and were recommended by the top adolescent borderline program. The therapist plans on going over the letter with her and read it before i mailed it to make sure there were no triggering remarks. They feel its necessary as she has such intense anger towards us right now that we can't have an effective therapy session. Actually, we didn't have it when she was in residential DBT over the summer either. She's a wonderful, amazing person until she hears the word no -so there's a bit of ODD in there as well. And the no we're saying is because her behaviors were going to get her killed (I'm not exaggerating) and that's why she is where she is. Drugs, alcohol, unsafe sex and all to an extreme.
Ugh - thanks for listening.

[Quama]

I'm so sorry to hear how bad it was/is.  I sent my D15 at the time for fear that it was coming to that point.  Mine also has ODD along with many other acronyms!  Makes it so hard to get to that wonderful person we know is inside.  As much as it may feel like you are asking for help here, you are also providing support.  Just knowing that others can understand helps so much.  Keep posting, and I'm hoping to hear how things progress for you and your child. 

[473harman]

Thanks Quama! Day by day... .