How do I stop letting his past comments run through my head?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Just wanted to admit I still look at his Facebook. I feel like a stalker and I justify it because he is taking me to court over money- claiming he can't afford to pay me what he owes me. Well, he just want on a big vacation and stayed at a resort. That will help my case.  The comment was that they were going to go meet the parents as well. I can only imagine how that would go, since the Mother has no hesitation in telling it like it is! She always told me that I should of talked to her before I married him! I wonder what she will tell this one?  The gf is still not divorced from her husband I found out and couldn't until paternity was decided on the baby. I figure she will get divorced next month. I gather they will get married... .not sure. He told me he didn't want to marry her due to the future women! He has "friended" all kinds of women on Facebook who expose themselves and that means he is back to his porn addiction. He still has his dating profile up. I know this gf is seeing the behavior at this point, I am curious if she will put up with it longer because of the baby or leave sooner for the same reason. She worked at a detention center in the past, has a cop friend and a therapist friend... .of all things! She has to be a tough person somehow... .but he said she was easily manipulated.  He really thinks he can fool people and he seems to be doing a great job acting like the loving father! He is only working at a job when he can fill in when people are on vacation, so he must be the Mr. Mom  which is crazy! He lost a fantastic job that he had while we were together... .he worked his way up for ten years! After telling me we would still be together if we hadn't lost our child, this rings in my head like torture. I am glad I don't have to deal with him in that way, but I am so hurt from the comment. It makes me feel inadequate and I know he did that on purpose... .How do I let go of his horrible remarks? I think I am watching to see the two of them split, just so I know that isn't the truth... .that a baby makes all the difference for him. That it is time for him to grow up. He watched our old neighbors who had kids and it made him crazy- he told me he didn't want kids! He is a horrible lying, cheating, abusive, porn addicted, drunk and that is why we are not together... .He has a picture of himself holding the baby with a large beer off to the side. He has not changed. Why does this still bother me so much... .? He clearly hasn't changed for the better!

[Herodias]

Just wanted to admit I still look at his Facebook. I feel like a stalker and I justify it because he is taking me to court over money- claiming he can't afford to pay me what he owes me. Well, he just want on a big vacation and stayed at a resort. That will help my case.  The comment was that they were going to go meet the parents as well. I can only imagine how that would go, since the Mother has no hesitation in telling it like it is! She always told me that I should of talked to her before I married him! I wonder what she will tell this one?  The gf is still not divorced from her husband I found out and couldn't until paternity was decided on the baby. I figure she will get divorced next month. I gather they will get married... .not sure. He told me he didn't want to marry her due to the future women! He has "friended" all kinds of women on Facebook who expose themselves and that means he is back to his porn addiction. He still has his dating profile up. I know this gf is seeing the behavior at this point, I am curious if she will put up with it longer because of the baby or leave sooner for the same reason. She worked at a detention center in the past, has a cop friend and a therapist friend... .of all things! She has to be a tough person somehow... .but he said she was easily manipulated.  He really thinks he can fool people and he seems to be doing a great job acting like the loving father! He is only working at a job when he can fill in when people are on vacation, so he must be the Mr. Mom  which is crazy! He lost a fantastic job that he had while we were together... .he worked his way up for ten years! After telling me we would still be together if we hadn't lost our child, this rings in my head like torture. I am glad I don't have to deal with him in that way, but I am so hurt from the comment. It makes me feel inadequate and I know he did that on purpose... .How do I let go of his horrible remarks? I think I am watching to see the two of them split, just so I know that isn't the truth... .that a baby makes all the difference for him. That it is time for him to grow up. He watched our old neighbors who had kids and it made him crazy- he told me he didn't want kids! He is a horrible lying, cheating, abusive, porn addicted, drunk and that is why we are not together... .He has a picture of himself holding the baby with a large beer off to the side. He has not changed. Why does this still bother me so much... .? He clearly hasn't changed for the better!

[gotbushels]

Hi Herodias 

Dealing with horrible remarks is difficult. You're right, when they don't change for the better, it can leave us feeling frustrated too.

Since you were with him for quite a long time, perhaps it might help to recognise that the longer we are in the relationship, the longer the residual effects? I think that's fair to expect. 

Perhaps it might help to let the first couple of comments run through you head, then recognise that, then shift your focus to something else? You might find that a little easier to do than getting frustrated over the thoughts. 

[JerryRG]

Good morning Herodias

I don't have a lot of time to message you, have a funeral to attend shortly. I care about you and you have been so helpful to me and others.

The thing that popped into my mind while skimming through your post was something someone told me.

When we try to remove a negitive from ourselves, it will inevitably leave a vacuum, we must replace old, bad thoughts and actions with new, good ones.

I think it's true, I don't dwell on my exgf as much and when I do I don't feel the pain as deeply.

I can't describe it well but it's like I was so entangled with her, the bounderies were gone, I didn't know where I began and ended. I believe pwBPD desire our souls and we as nons long to give ours to them because of our compassion for the hurting in the world. My fantasy was becoming her soul mate and for a while I was. When I held her the world did not exist.

It was like returning to the womb, she was my everything.

My mother, sister, lover, friend, and maybe my god.

Her breath fed me life.

I cannot explain it, it was heaven.

Oh too real for me, but not to her.

She possessed the gift of arousing in me all that I had lost and I thought I had been reborn.

I realize now, all these things were temporary and unreal and the truth is, I will only find reality in the real God. I joined with a disoredred, wounded BPD, we created a beautiful child and my life is blooming into something I've never dreamed possible.

She is still the same, maybe one day she will have peace and joy, maybe not.

Hang in there Herodias

[bunny4523]

Herodias,

Well after reading your post... .you ponder over his comment "we'd still be together if you hadn't lost the baby"  BUT I also read your words about the type of man and partner he is/was.  Re-read your post, YOU don't want him.  A baby wouldn't have changed those things about him.  You would've felt trapped or stuck and trust me that is a lonely and depressing place to be.

I'm sorry for your loss of the baby but you are better off without this guy.  The new girl might try harder to work with him because of the baby and she will have a rough rode ahead.

hugs,
Bunny

[JerryRG]

I agree with bunny4523

In my personal journey, it's been pure hell, she turned against me right after getting pregnant. Abused drugs while pregnant and abused me every step of the way up to the present time.

I love my son and he's innocent of all this, I brought another innocent life into her disordered world and one more victum of her illness.

There's one thing worse than a relationship with pwBPD, having children with them. I'm forever tied to her in some limited fashion for years to come. And my son will suffer from her behaviors and already has.

[Herodias]

Thanks everyone,
      sometimes I take a few steps forward and then a big one backwards. Right now I am in a low point. Thanks gotbushels for saying the longer you were in, the longer it takes to recover. I have always heard that with normal relationships, let alone these. Plus, marriage really meant something to me.
     Jerry, I appreciate your caring. I understand how you felt with your gf. I felt the same way with my ex. It's really sad they had no idea what they had. It makes you wonder if they feel the same way with their new partner.  I seriously wonder if my ex has feelings at all... .really. I was talking with one of my friends today who met him a few times. He came off so wonderful to her, but she totally believes me when I tell her how he was at home. She never had any kids either, so she understands how I feel. You can't go back and change anything. I am sorry you are going through all that you are as well, as you know.
     Bunny, thanks for your hugs. I don't mean I would want him back or would even want to still be in it. We all wish they weren't disordered. There is nothing we can do about that. I also know, she is going to have to deal with the consequences of what she has done (cheated on her husband with mine) forever. I know I am fortunate to not have that with him.
      I am just having a hard time lately... .I think even the thoughts of turning the calendar to October, which is the beginning of the holiday season, has me in a funk. I wish I had friends that got together and did fun holiday things for adults. I think this is what I am going to have to try and get involved in. I just don't know what that is yet. Everything seems to be about and for kids lately. I heard of so many babies being born and it turns my thoughts on the situation. It's kind of upsetting and I didn't know how to deal with it. I am going to try and change my thoughts. My friend this morning said she wondered when I was going to break down... .she said I have been hanging tough for way too long.

[heartandwhole]

Hi Herodias,

Losing a baby is an incredibly difficult experience to live through. It makes perfect sense that his comment is still bothering you. I know in your shoes, I'd be hurting, too. 

I am going to try and change my thoughts. My friend this morning said she wondered when I was going to break down... .she said I have been hanging tough for way too long.

In my experience, it's important to feel what we spend a lot of energy avoiding so that we can grow. I'm not sure how to change my thoughts (I don't feel I control them), but I do know how to engage with them, i.e., inquire into their veracity and feel the resulting feelings of whatever beliefs I've taken on.

What belief(s) is fermenting the sadness around the holidays and children's activities, Herodias?

heartandwhole