She just told me she thinks she has BPD..what now?

[Hmcbart]

Quick back story: I have suspected my wife of 20 years has BPD for a few years now.  I have read at least half a dozen book on the subject and how to help me deal with it. I have never mentioned BPD to her at all.  Some days I really wanted to but I didn't.

Today I had had enough of the silent treatment and being pushed away.  I told her we needed to talk.  I told her I can't do it anymore and before I said anything else she said does this have something to do with the books that were downloaded to my iPad. I asked what books and she said they were about personality disorders. She then said she thought I downloaded them for her to find.  I'm not sure how they got there, I'm assuming it was from her using my iTunes account to download movies.  Either way, she started reading one of them. 

This morning she said as she was reading them she could see herself acting and behaving like someone with BPD.  She said it was kind of saying you you you. I asked to make sure she wasn't saying you as in I have it abs she said no it's her. 

I feel like a huge weight was lifted from my chest.  She asked how long I thought this and I told her several years.  She then asked how to get help. I told her that I can't do that for her and she needs to do it.  I told her I would help her navigate the medical website to find a therapist or psychiatrist who can help her but she has to go to see them. I told her I would support her as best I could and I wanted her to get help.

She said she was afraid because she didn't want to be labeled as having this because she thinks I would use it against her.  I told her that not getting help will only cause more harm.  I told her it will be like my ADD, I have it, I know it, I deal with it, but I don't use it as an exuse for my actions and behavior. 

Either way, I feel like this was a big moment for us.  I'm cautiously optimistic and hope she doesn't just use this as an excuse to continue to treat me the way she has. 
Has anyone else had this happen and has the person had any success with treatment? Or is this going to be another in a long line of excuses for her behaviors?

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[VitaminC]

Hi Hmcbart   

I have no personal experience to share that might be helpful, I'm afraid, but really just wanted to say that I'm cautiously excited / happy for you.

Therapy can certainly help, both for your wife and perhaps some for yourself too, if you feel you could do with the extra support. I think you will find many very wise and experienced members here who will chime in shortly and I'll be following the thread with a lot of interest.

It sounds like you managed the conversation well. I can certainly appreciate that it feels like a momentous thing to have your wife (possibly, hopefully) have an insight into her own psyche and behaviours that she might be able to accept responsibility for (in measured and hopefully progressive)  doses.

For now, maybe if you focus on the lessons over here on the right ---> to help yourself stay focussed and maintain the all important boundaries. As you know yourself, these will serve not only you but your relationship.  This is a good time to be validating and gently encouraging and stay practical, as you've suggested already.

Wishing you well, and keep taking care of you.

[Hmcbart]

Thanks VitaminC. 

I'm trying not to act too excited.  I'm sure it's the scariest thing in the world for her.  I know it's got to be hard to come to that realization in your own. 

For me it's one of the happiest feelings I've had in many years.  I don't want to act happy or excited because I know that's not what she is feeling right now.  I am not sure how to act at this point. Other than to continue to be supportive I'm not sure what else I can do. 

[VitaminC]

For me it's one of the happiest feelings I've had in many years.  I don't want to act happy or excited because I know that's not what she is feeling right now.  

Oh, I can totally appreciate that!  Yes, go into the garage or somewhere and punch the air and whoop into a cushion and so on.     When you're with your wife, continue to be calm and steady. 

Go you. 

[jrharvey]

Congratulations. Big step. The moment my girlfriend believed she had BPD is when things started changing for the better. For her just realizing she had it and learning what kinds of actions were related to BPD made about 50% of the problems go away over the course of a few weeks. The other 50% I think is a lot of hard work on both her part and mine but she is willing and excited to try and help herself. Just knowing that there is hope for change is a big motivating factor for her. I don't believe anymore the old saying that if you don't get intense therapy there is no hope. My GF is seeing a therapist but she doesn't help too much. What really helps my GF is watching videos, reading books and learning DBT coping skills on her own. Therapy is great for finding out things you didn't know existed but it wont solve all problems. She will have to do a lot of research and reading on her own. One book that my GF read that really helped is "Calming the emotional storm". Actually it was an audiobook. Things are not perfect still but no relationship is perfect. Sometimes she gets emotional. Sometimes she gets angry but she catches herself and apologizes. One thing that is hard for her I think is understanding the difference between when I am not doing anything wrong and its JUST her feelings vs when I actually do something that she has a right to be upset about. Sometimes its hard for her to tell the difference. Right now we are working on the whole "Feelings are NOT Facts" thing.

[motherhen]

It can sometimes be a huge relief to them to discover there is an explanation that can make sense for their behaviors where there was none before. It was for my husband and most of the dysreg behaviors evaporated fairly quickly once we could identify what was behind them.

I'm hoping it goes well. This could be a huge turning point. You have a great advantage in that you already know how to validate and empathize as she navigates her emotions on this. It goes a long way to have a compassionate and supportive partner if she's willing to do the work.