Hi All.
Today is the second anniversary of my first ever breakup from my BPDxbf. That was when I first fully realised that things were not right with him. It's taken a while longer to see that things were not right with me either.
Two years ago, we went away on a creative writing weekend together. I'd dreamt of romantic walks along the beach, of love and happiness. It didn't turn out that way. He was freaked out by the spiders in the guest house, missed workshops due to feeling unwell or too paranoid about the other course participants to attend them and spent quite a lot of his other time texting his wife. On the Friday night, I awoke from a nightmare which he claimed was a re-telling of an experience he had when he got lost in the woods as a child. He told me it was a 'psychic' experience on my part given to me to help him heal. On the Saturday, he told me about his criminal record for smashing up his wife's kitchen (only later did he tell me that he had also threatened her and her son with a knife during that incident) and one of his suicide attempts. On the Sunday, we had a disagreement because I wanted him to simply listen to me because I needed to talk, but he said that if he was going to listen, I had to let him try to help me. I was so angry that I debated walking out on him and leaving him there. On the Monday, I saw an ex-boyfriend at an event and got so confused about my feelings that I decided to do without all men. So I told my husband to move out and nodded when my BPDxbf asked if I wanted to end it. That was when the pain really started. Then, I realised that all my emotional energies and all the feelings of pain and loss were focussed upon my BPDxbf.
It sounds like a mess and it was. I was a mess. I was married when we I met my BPDxbf, but my husband knew that I was exploring other relationships as it was my second such one. The first man I'd seen said he didn't think of me 'in that way' but wanted to see me anyway. That relationship was very painful, yet I struggled to get away. When I met my BPDxbf at a course, we were friends at first. He helped me end that relationship and was kind to me. The ex was out of the picture when we finally started seeing each other, but clearly my emotions weren't resolved.
In the last two years, we have broken up 10 times.
It is also the five month anniversary of my last night with my BPDxbf. That final night together, I dreamt he was taking photographs of my house. In my dream, it dawned on me that he might want them as keepsakes. So I said to him: "You aren't coming back, are you?" and he said "No." Anyway, the dream woke me up and I was so upset I was crying. I told him what I'd dreamt and he comforted me and told me it was only a dream. I took it as a prophetic message. It did turn out to be the last time we were together. The contact we had after than was mainly disagreements by text until I finally decided to just agree with him when he said I didn't want to see him anymore. I'm not sure I really didn't want to see him again. It was really a manipulation. I was angry and playing games. When he offered me the opportunity to talk things through, I turned him down.
Being with my BPDxbf turned me into a basket-case. However, I think I was well on my way to becoming a basket-case when I was seeing the other chap (whom I suspect has NPD traits). I must have already had that potential when I first set off looking for love. My ex-husband has asperger syndrome. He doesn't do love and affection. Living with him was like living in an emotional freezer. But I unleashed lots of trouble on myself when I made the decision to let myself look elsewhere for the love I needed.
When I met my BPDxbf, I thought I'd met my true love. I thought my search was over. I loved him and I was so happy. But, things started going off the rails quite early on and I started seeing red flags
. Though I loved him, I began to want to get away from him. I couldn't cope with his need, it felt like demand even though he
may have been being reasonable. I'm just not used to other people looking to me for support. I'm used to being alone and isolated. I'm no longer sure that it wasn't actually my issue. I was terrified of the hurt he could cause me because I loved him. I thought he'd leave me when he found out who I was and discovered that I was flawed and useless and there was no substance to me. I found myself switching off from him a lot of the time. I just wanted out. I couldn't love him properly. I felt too little and too vulnerable and too needy and yet invisible and unimportant to him. I don't think I was thinking or feeling straight. I loved him like I've never loved anyone before, but I felt compelled to keep him at a distance. It all hurt too much. When I think back, I wonder just how much my behaviour contributed to the disasterous relationship we had. Sometimes, I think that I was the nut-case and it was me who read into his texts and me that caused the arguments by doing that. What I do know, was I got to the point where I was so anxious that I could barely function. Being with him, made me very unwell.
So here I am, on my own. I wanted this outcome half the time we were together. The rest of the time, it was the outcome I most dreaded. That I am still crying over this, still wishing I could see him and sort things out but still dreading that conversation more than anything in the world, is just plain sad. Why couldn't the man I loved have been sane so we could live happily-ever-after instead of me ending up with a broken heart?
On the positive side, I have been forced to grow through this. I have had to confront things in myself that I don't think I would ever have looked at otherwise. I have learnt to love myself because
he loved me. His love also taught me to love my youngest daughter better. Now I can love me, I can love the daughter who reminds me of myself. Why couldn't I trust that he did love me and have that be enough? I wish it could have been. I wish I had been more stable, better able to weather the storm of BPD. I wasn't. I need consistency. I deserve a life free of fear, rejection and verbal abuse BUT here's to my BPDxbf, he gave me a great deal and I wish him all the best.
Love Lifewriter x
