Experiences with supervised visits?

[sanemom]

Just wondering... .they are supposed to start with DSS16 in a couple of weeks, and BPD mom hasn't even signed the order, much less called the supervisor to arrange them.

I just wonder if she will forego them since she has the two young adult children she can mess with.

[Nope]

I wouldn't agree to anything until she signs the order. I would also make the adult children aware that all she has to do to see SS16 is sign the order and follow it. My guess, based on history, is that she feels that if she signs it then you have won. And she won't do that no matter what it costs her. I strongly suspect that she will continue to work over the two adult children as her allies. How much pressure they put on SS16 will depend on how involved they want to be in their mom's ongoing drama.

I wouldn't worry about the supervised visitation until you have a signed order. I think assuming she is going to do what she's supposed to do, which she has never before done, is going to leave you looking in the wrong direction.

[ForeverDad]

The ball is in her court.  Has she filed anything contesting the order?  Does the order have a consequence clause that says her supervised visits don't begin until she signs, her therapy starts, she meets certain basic landmarks or progress, etc?  Of course the lawyer knows best what is legally to be done but I wouldn't extend her any courtesies or considerations whatsoever.  Being generous beyond the order would weaken it, at least in her eyes.

In rare cases I believe the judge can sign for a parent.  I also recall one case here where the Ex didn't have a pen and signed with a purple crayon - marlo6277.

[bravhart1]

Our BPDm could have had supervised visits last May. She still hasn't signed the necessary paperwork to put it into place. Th judge has made it clear though her four continuances that he isn't going to relent. But she isn't more interested in seeing SD than she is in defying the order. So almost a year later and still no mom for SD. Now BPDm has been making noises like she's going to ask for a trial. Pretty sure the judge won't change his stance. But he is probably going to think that the way mom has handled this whole thing shows the extent of her mental illness.

[david]

I'd stick to the order. If she doesn't do what she is ordered to do then she can't see DSS16. It's like dealing with a two year old and a temper tantrum.

[sanemom]

I guess... .it is just weird how she has not even started the process to see him next week.  We have one order that she has signed, but the stipulations of the other order have not been signed.   Maybe she thinks since the no-contact will be gone, she can do whatever?  The no-contact is gone just so she can have supervised.  Sigh... .

[GaGrl]

I guess... .it is just weird how she has not even started the process to see him next week.  We have one order that she has signed, but the stipulations of the other order have not been signed.   Maybe she thinks since the no-contact will be gone, she can do whatever?  The no-contact is gone just so she can have supervised.  Sigh... .

Yes, it could possibly be her black-and-white interpretation.  "If the stipulation is gone... .the entire court order is gone.  Therefore, next week I can do whatever I choose."

Sigh.

[ForeverDad]

So she's a serial non-signer?  Why didn't lawyer or judge anticipate this?  What's the "what if she still doesn't sign this new one?" legal advice or should you wait until closer to that day?

Seems she has to feel in control of something, even if it is not signing.  I think the consensus here is to disallow visits unless she signs or your lawyer states otherwise?

[david]

My ex wouldn't sign things in the beginning too. One time in court I realized this would be one of those times so I had my attorney write out the order in court. The judge looked it over and gave it to ex to look at. My attorney had us all sign it there. I walked out with a handwritten order.
The next day I went to pick our boys up at school. The order allowed me to do that instead of picking them up at her place. Well, she already called the school telling them I was not allowed to pick them up without her agreement. I handed a copy of the order to the woman at the front desk. She questioned the handwritten order and said I needed it typed out. I explained that the school would need to give me 50 dollars to have it typed out by the court and suggested she fax the order to their legal dept to confirm it is valid. Ten minutes later I was walking out with our boys. Ex never tried that again. I viewed it as setting a boundary.

[sanemom]

Well, she signed the order!  Not sure if she intends on doing anything, but we shall see.  There have not been any supervised visits set up yet even though she could have started them already. 

I have a feeling her lawyer really pushed her to sign, and once she did, she emotionally vomited all over the 18 year old the weekend after she signed the order (done on a Friday) because the day after he left her house, he ended up needing to go inpatient.  He has been struggling for a while with being in the middle, and he cannot set boundaries with his mom at all.  I feel so badly for him.  I don't think he really understands that he is struggling because she keeps dragging him into things; he still thinks it is both of his parents (how dare DH require x, y, and z on the order).

And now I am sure DSS16 is wondering why his mom hasn't set anything up to see him as well. 

I hate seeing what these kids go through.

[ForeverDad]

It will be hard for them, probably for years to come.  But what would make a big difference is when they accept it's not their issues nor their actions, the problems are all with a parent's refusal (or inability) to handle her issues herself, that is, with her own counseling/therapy and not overwhelming her children.

Once the children can perceive that, accept that — and not wander right back into the fray — then their lives will gain more stability.  How to best explain that they can't expect normalcy and good parenting from their mother, well, it's a process.  They have to accept that their own validated observations and conclusions come first.  They can't be leaves blown about by mother's chaos and slanted perceptions.  Two plus two must always equal four, it can't change from day to day under anyone's slick influence.

[WalkingAway]

I'm sorry to hear about your situation. I can relate to the frustration and confusion of BPD mom not showing up for supervised visitation. But I am “lucky” because my son is too young to understand anything, I can only imagine how it is when the kids are older and how hard it is to watch them being hurt.

It’s been 7 months now since she was given temporary supervised visitation (this leading up to a final hearing where she is demanding main custody)… She has not seen him once since the temporary verdict, and as far as I know she has not even sent the proper papers to CPS (Which are the ones who will monitor the visitations in this case). I still don’t understand it.

[Thunderstruck]

This is easy to explain to DSS16 though, right? It's not that BPDmom doesn't want to see him. The reason why she isn't setting up visits is the "supervised" part. All of her actions were not acceptable, and she doesn't want a person there to judge or mitigate/prevent them.

Has DSS16 come to the realization that BPDmom's behaviors are not ok? Or is he like DSS18 and believes the problem is both sides? I'm sure it's very hard for him to see what DSS18 is going through as well. 

[newlymarried]

BPDbiomom's lawyer, in his first motion requested 90 days worth of Supervised Visits. It seems that the lawyer knows that after almost 3 years, she won't be able to just start her relationship up with SD7.

We now have a CFI, and that would put any visitation further away. I am watching your story to get help with my pwn.

[sanemom]

This is easy to explain to DSS16 though, right? It's not that BPDmom doesn't want to see him. The reason why she isn't setting up visits is the "supervised" part. All of her actions were not acceptable, and she doesn't want a person there to judge or mitigate/prevent them.

Has DSS16 come to the realization that BPDmom's behaviors are not ok? Or is he like DSS18 and believes the problem is both sides? I'm sure it's very hard for him to see what DSS18 is going through as well. 

I am not sure we are in a position to explain that to DSS16, but maybe the therapist will be leading him to that understanding.  She has been able to set these visits up for a month and hasn't yet, but she is posting about how she misses her son.  I do think DSS16 still blames both parents, and I am betting that will take a while to shift, but he seems happier than I have EVER seen him, even before it got really bad.  I know he wants to see his mom, though.

BPD mom has focused her manipulative powers on DSS18 instead.  He ended up in a psych hospital after a weekend at her house, and now he went back to living with her and dropping out of college.  He is going to have to pay the government back for the grants and loans he got, and he threw away an $11k scholarship.  One of the therapists who was on our case said that this is actually a good sign that DSS18 is falling apart--his previous coping mechanisms of denial stopped working for him.  She said that it is still going to take some time, but DSS18 is probably back at his mom's house to "double check" his reality or something (not sure I understood totally).

I still think this may take years for them to figure it all out.  If she were one to be nasty to them, maybe not, but because she seems like a helpless victim, I think it is harder to see.

[Thunderstruck]

How is DSS18 healing? Has BPDmom started her supervised visits? How is DSS16 doing?